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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 15/09/2022 19:05

Yanbu

Your dh has to drop a day to facilitate or tell his ex wife that he cannot do thatZ

Reiterate to your dh that you have willingly & without effect to him taken a 20% pay cut to spend one on one time with your baby.

Ask him point blank if he is willing to do the same for his child. If the answer is no. Then it must be a No from him to his childs mother.

Do NOT allow yourself to be ground down on this. They are both massively taking the piss.

If theres any way to change your day off i would do that & pretend its been in the offing.

Grrrr

Such a cheek.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 19:07

Libertyqueen · 15/09/2022 19:05

I think some compromise should be possible. Could your DH put in a flexible working request so he can do mornings, pay for after school club (and agreement to do holiday club in holidays) but you pick up early from holiday club at 4ish.

Show quote history

Why do you think she should do this? Like what's the reasoning? Why shouldn't his actual mum have to change anything?

Libertyqueen · 15/09/2022 19:10

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 19:07

Why do you think she should do this? Like what's the reasoning? Why shouldn't his actual mum have to change anything?

Show quote history

Presumably she is for half the week.
OP doesn’t have to, of course she doesn’t. I can’t really imagine not approaching this as a team with my DH though. Some men clearly do completely take the mick with their children and leaving their DW/the DSM to do far, far too much. It just doesn’t sound like that is at all the case here.

Annoyingkidsmusic · 15/09/2022 19:10

No, I wouldn’t consider doing this. If you do, it will cause so much resentment. I have 3x different school runs to do in a day and believe me it is so limiting on your day & free time. If she can up her hours, then between her & her ex, they can source paid childcare for that day.

HCPiss · 15/09/2022 19:11

YANBU. She’s taking the piss. She should pay for wrap around care like everyone else.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 19:13

Libertyqueen · 15/09/2022 19:10

Presumably she is for half the week.
OP doesn’t have to, of course she doesn’t. I can’t really imagine not approaching this as a team with my DH though. Some men clearly do completely take the mick with their children and leaving their DW/the DSM to do far, far too much. It just doesn’t sound like that is at all the case here.

Show quote history

...yes and so does his dad. So why does dad and op need to sort this issue when it's her half of the week?

Ah so because you would, op should.

I'm sure op does a lot for the bloody team considering the child actually lives with her half the time. She hasn't detailed it here but I'd bet she does. She should not have to parent this child because his actual parents cba.

CoolerThanIceCream · 15/09/2022 19:17

It doesn’t matter how in the right you are on this, OP - by saying no, you WILL be the bad guy, and your DH will think you’re being completely unreasonable.

I’m sorry - what a shit situation.

MsRosley · 15/09/2022 19:20

Listen, OP, you have xx chromosomes which means it's automatically your responsibility to support anyone who doesn't even bother to ask you for your help.

It would be an angry hell no from me, and my DH would very much regret asking, let alone judging me for my refusal.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/09/2022 19:21

Tricky as when got together you accepted dh has a child and should be there for him

saying that, it’s cheeky of ex to assume you will have child an extra day and night due to her work as it’s her day

she needs to sort childcare out so paying for an before and after school nanny or cm or club at school

you took time off to care and see you son. If you are on school run then only really have 930/230 free and be on the clock watch

plus can’t lie in and have cuddles in bed etc

dh csn swap his wfh day or take to school and after school club

plus holidays. Will will happen

ReallyTryingTo · 15/09/2022 19:23

I'm thinking, what happens in the long term when your son goes to school and you may want to pick up those hours at work again if opportunity arose..
Who then becomes responsible!? Are you just setting yourself up for being stuck with that situation if you agree to it.

I voted you aren't being unreasonable because I fully understand where you are coming from.

Renalmum · 15/09/2022 19:24

Totally this. I feel for dss. When I married I took on my dss as if she were mine. I love her just as much as my own children and would do anything for her. Is his ex a single parent and has to work more for extra money? I'm shocked at some of the answers on this feed because I'm sorry but the day you married is the day that dss also became your problem as some have called him. I'm totally disgusted.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 19:27

Renalmum · 15/09/2022 19:24

Totally this. I feel for dss. When I married I took on my dss as if she were mine. I love her just as much as my own children and would do anything for her. Is his ex a single parent and has to work more for extra money? I'm shocked at some of the answers on this feed because I'm sorry but the day you married is the day that dss also became your problem as some have called him. I'm totally disgusted.

Her earnings and relationship status is irrelevant. Neither of those things give her the right to fob off her child to op.

Also, not all blended families are the same. Consider that.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/09/2022 19:27

CatherinedeBourgh · 15/09/2022 19:02

I've been a step child, and I genuinely don't think the OP should do this.

  1. No one will really appreciate it, they will be grateful for about a nanosecond and then will take it for granted that it's her responsibility
  2. When she decides that she wants to go back to work, everyone will sulk at her for upsetting the existing agreement, that she got no gratitude for
  3. No one will make up for her loss of earnings
  4. Honestly, really step dc don't regard their step parents as parents until after many many years unless their bio parent is not in the picture. So you're getting the shit part of parenting without any of the upside

It's a mug's game.

Great summing up of the reality of this.

C152 · 15/09/2022 19:29

YANBU. Either your DSS's mum needs to pay for childcare or your DH does. You don't need to give excuses like broken sleep etc (I'm not doubting they're true, BTW); it's very clear - you gave up work one day a week so you could spend it with your son when he is young. There is nothing wrong with this and your DH is being unfair by trying to palm off his responsibility on you. What if you worked 5 days a week? What would he and his ex do about childcare for their son then? This is exactly the same. You are not available, so they need to find another solution.

ICanHideButICantRun · 15/09/2022 19:32

She's got a nerve, not speaking to you generally and then asking your husband, not you, if you will do it.

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2022 19:32

Of course you shouldn't! Keep saying no.

Summerfun54321 · 15/09/2022 19:35

She can book him into school clubs or wraparound care like the rest of us who work full time. Enjoy the precious day with your own DC.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 15/09/2022 19:40

What does your son do for childcare on the other 4 days? And what will he do in school for the days DH works in the office?

Folklore9074 · 15/09/2022 19:41

It’d be a no from me. They need to arrange childcare between themselves as parents. They are looking for a freebie.

LuftBalloons · 15/09/2022 19:43

picklemewalnuts · 15/09/2022 15:34

"No, that's my special day with DS where we do baby stuff. I'm spending 1/5th of my wage so I really want to make the most of it while I can."

This is a brilliant response: simple, true, and straightforward.

ScarlettSunset · 15/09/2022 19:49

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask and it's also not unreasonable to say no. It IS unreasonable for your husband to be annoyed with you about it though.

Did the ex actually ask for this, or did your husband just volunteer you when he heard she'd got a new job? Most people with dependant children have some sort of plan in mind before they accept a new job, and it might be that her plan wasn't this either.

AMindNeedsBooks · 15/09/2022 19:49

Thehonestbadger · 15/09/2022 17:16

@starfishmummy
@Newusername21

I get the whole ‘attitude towards SC’ thing, I don’t have any myself but do see it on here. It is very sad ofc.

I don’t think it’s as prevalent as the ‘step mum gets shafted with responsibilities that should be the dads but apparently pass to her simply because she has a vagina’ trope that’s played out on here over and over. I think these two directly conflict with one another.
Imagine step mum wasn’t in the mix, what would dad do in this situation? I’m guessing just be like ‘nope I can’t facilitate that’ and get on with his life.

Im not sure why simply by existing in the general vicinity women are expected to pick up all these duties. I’m not a step mum but I feel sorry for them. It’s like they’re expected to do more than the actual dad FFS

This is absolutely correct (been there).

And guess what happens if they separate? Step Mum who did the majority of the work never sees them again because they have no rights as a step parent.

bringbackveronicamars · 15/09/2022 20:00

CatherinedeBourgh · 15/09/2022 19:02

I've been a step child, and I genuinely don't think the OP should do this.

  1. No one will really appreciate it, they will be grateful for about a nanosecond and then will take it for granted that it's her responsibility
  2. When she decides that she wants to go back to work, everyone will sulk at her for upsetting the existing agreement, that she got no gratitude for
  3. No one will make up for her loss of earnings
  4. Honestly, really step dc don't regard their step parents as parents until after many many years unless their bio parent is not in the picture. So you're getting the shit part of parenting without any of the upside

It's a mug's game.

I think there's a lot of truth to this.

Cameleongirl · 15/09/2022 20:00

I can’t really imagine not approaching this as a team with my DH though.

@Libertyqueen I completely agree. Neither DH nor I would ever just assume that the other could provide childcare for a full day once a week, without prior consultation. It's incredibly cheeky of her DH and his ex to just expect the OP to make this work somehow. I'm incredulous that her DSS's Mum committed to a new job without ensuring that her son actually could spend the extra day at his Dad's.

Kylereese · 15/09/2022 20:01

Newusername21 · 15/09/2022 15:46

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think - to a certain extent - when you are in a relationship with someone who has existing children - you kind of have to anticipate those other children becoming part of your life too. So that includes looking after them.
It sounds like on the other days the SS is with you - his Dad does step up and do the school runs etc etc - but on this particular day thats not going to be possible.
I don't see the issue with having to do the school run on one day per week - you're helping your whole family unit.
You can always make it crystal clear that you're happy to do this providing it doesn't start sliding into you doing extra on the others days SS was already with you.
Your stepson is part of your family and should feel as included and as welcome as your new baby.

See this just demonstrates as a step parent you can’t win. Here’s the attitude “…you knew he had a child..” he’s part of your family…

only to be told it’s nothing to do with you when it suits…