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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 15/09/2022 20:23

Why dont husband and mother pay for breakfast club and afterschool care that day and same holidays. Then dh can drop him off and pick him up.
Surely that's the sensible compromise.

Cameleongirl · 15/09/2022 20:25

@AbbieWhelan

DSS's Mum took the new job without finding out whether DH or the OP could look after DSS. As it stands, this new schedule doesn't work for the OP, so his parents are going to have to pay for afterschool care.

You can't just assume that someone can provide childcare once day a week without prior consultation. My DH and I have shared children and we wouldn't assume this of each other.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 20:25

VladmirsPoutine · 15/09/2022 20:23

@AbbieWhelan Your post is superb!

I'll never understand people who create blended families then act surprised when the inevitable happens. Your step son will grow to resent you. It's not 'her' problem to sort. You knew he had a son and that child is a part of your life. I think I got lucky with my step-father because this would have created such a wedge in our family that would have been insurmountable in later years.

Why is not her problem to sort? It's her time and her son. Can you explain why it's somehow not her problem but is ops?

Other than the usual shite of "wahhhhh you married a man with children wahhhhhh you are now a slave to his ex wife wah wah I love my step kids wahhhhhhhh"

Cameleongirl · 15/09/2022 20:25

*one day a week

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/09/2022 20:25

She's (the ex) has taken a job she doesn't have enough childcare for.

Your DH has agreed to be her additional childcare without being able to cater for that childcare simply assuming you'll do it.

Your DH has no right to be shitty with you about it;the problem is his and his exes not yours.Their both being irresponsible.

It's not unreasonable for your SS to go to the breakfast club/after school club.They can sort an alternate for school holidays.

It seems to be a thing on here recently with men and their exes expecting the man's partner to provide childcare for their children instead of doing it themselves.

Hankunamatata · 15/09/2022 20:28

My older kids would often go to breakfast club and afterschools when their younger siblings were babies so I wasnt tied to school pick up on certain days.
I'm sure you wouldn't mind the odd day if dss is poorly looking after him but parents need to set up proper childcare

Naunet · 15/09/2022 20:29

Libertyqueen · 15/09/2022 19:10

Presumably she is for half the week.
OP doesn’t have to, of course she doesn’t. I can’t really imagine not approaching this as a team with my DH though. Some men clearly do completely take the mick with their children and leaving their DW/the DSM to do far, far too much. It just doesn’t sound like that is at all the case here.

Show quote history

As a team, he should have offered to cover at least a portion of her lost wages when he made this request, seeing as they don’t share finances.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 15/09/2022 20:31

VladmirsPoutine · 15/09/2022 20:23

@AbbieWhelan Your post is superb!

I'll never understand people who create blended families then act surprised when the inevitable happens. Your step son will grow to resent you. It's not 'her' problem to sort. You knew he had a son and that child is a part of your life. I think I got lucky with my step-father because this would have created such a wedge in our family that would have been insurmountable in later years.

Why would they resent the step parent in this case? They shouldn't even know about it. It's an absolute issue of the two parents making. The OP made a decision around her circumstances as a new-ish mum which she is entitled to do. The mother wants to work an extra day so needs to sort childcare or if the dad is feeling charitable he needs to offer his time and not the OP's. The "you married a man with kids" argument is so lazy - the OP (or anyone else) doesn't become an automatic third parent - I'd imagine they don't have input into what school they go to for instance.

Discovereads · 15/09/2022 20:33

She doesn’t need to send the message that he’s not her son. He’s not her son, and he’s presumably well aware of that. It’s also quite the assumption that he looks at her as a mother.

Ugh. Then why even call him a “step son” and OP a “step mother” if he’s no son and she’s no mother! I just don’t understand this attitude it’s so insular and cruel to the children of the blended families.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 15/09/2022 20:33

As if going to after school club ONE day a week will cause a wedge in the family! Seriously? My children would love me to pick them up, but I work full time and so can’t and they suck it up and go to wrap around. And sometimes I even dare to take a day off and not pick them up early. The world does not revolve around everything a child wants. Step parents are a bonus emergency support, but they aren’t parents and shouldn’t be made to feel they have to be. I wouldn’t want my children’s SM to feel obliged to look after them, if she wanted to great, but better that they are in ASC and she’s with her own baby than taking them resentfully. Likewise if DP is able to help out then fantastic but if not then that’s my problem as I am their parent.

OP you are well within your rights to say no, I say this as someone sharing custody of children and sometimes we are stuck for childcare, but I wouldn’t put this on anyone.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 20:35

Discovereads · 15/09/2022 20:33

She doesn’t need to send the message that he’s not her son. He’s not her son, and he’s presumably well aware of that. It’s also quite the assumption that he looks at her as a mother.

Ugh. Then why even call him a “step son” and OP a “step mother” if he’s no son and she’s no mother! I just don’t understand this attitude it’s so insular and cruel to the children of the blended families.

I mean.... Do these children's mother's want them to have a second mother? From experience i think not.

This is a very rose tinted view of blended families. It's also incredibly naive.

nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 20:35

You're good OP. Like you say she hasn't actually asked you so she's good.

Your DH however needs to get it into his head that you are not there so he can outsource his child.

nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 20:36

Discovereads · 15/09/2022 20:33

She doesn’t need to send the message that he’s not her son. He’s not her son, and he’s presumably well aware of that. It’s also quite the assumption that he looks at her as a mother.

Ugh. Then why even call him a “step son” and OP a “step mother” if he’s no son and she’s no mother! I just don’t understand this attitude it’s so insular and cruel to the children of the blended families.

The children know the situation. They aren't thick. They have 2 parents and a step mum. They can cope with the concept.

theviewfrommywindow · 15/09/2022 20:37

@ChateauxNeufDePoop nailed it

CurlUpAndDye · 15/09/2022 20:37

Discovereads · 15/09/2022 20:33

She doesn’t need to send the message that he’s not her son. He’s not her son, and he’s presumably well aware of that. It’s also quite the assumption that he looks at her as a mother.

Ugh. Then why even call him a “step son” and OP a “step mother” if he’s no son and she’s no mother! I just don’t understand this attitude it’s so insular and cruel to the children of the blended families.

The ExW and mother of DSS decided she did not want her own child on HER set contact day but somehow that makes the OP the horrible and cruel one?? WTF

nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 20:40

CurlUpAndDye · 15/09/2022 20:37

The ExW and mother of DSS decided she did not want her own child on HER set contact day but somehow that makes the OP the horrible and cruel one?? WTF

Show quote history

For some reason because she wants to work but OP isn't working OP's time is seen as less valuable. I would argue it is just as valuable and OP is sacrificing financial reward for time with her child. Who knows how much time we have left in this world. Spend it how you want to OP.

whumpthereitis · 15/09/2022 20:40

Discovereads · 15/09/2022 20:33

She doesn’t need to send the message that he’s not her son. He’s not her son, and he’s presumably well aware of that. It’s also quite the assumption that he looks at her as a mother.

Ugh. Then why even call him a “step son” and OP a “step mother” if he’s no son and she’s no mother! I just don’t understand this attitude it’s so insular and cruel to the children of the blended families.

Do you think he’s under the illusion that OP is his mother then?

’stepmum’ and ‘stepson’ are common vernacular, as you know. That’s why she’s using the terms, not because she’s actually his parent.

i’m not sure you’re required to understand it tbh.

Original poster
Peeeko · 15/09/2022 20:41

I say step mother and step son because they are just the official names (and I've been here long enough to know if I'd said DHs son I'd have been pulled up on that 😁) but it's a bit like mother in law. She's called that because I'm married to her son, but she isn't actually my mother nor does she feel like it. Doesn't mean I hate her.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 15/09/2022 20:45

No way should you do this. Your DH is being unreasonable, and I bet he already told the ex that it was fine since you were off anyway. He's going to have to backtrack very uncomfortably.

Bahhhhhumbug · 15/09/2022 20:48

I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.
Cheeky fecker putting that guilt on you.You wouldnt be 'making him go' his mum would.

cheninblanc · 15/09/2022 20:51

It would be a no from me. After school club will be just fine

diddl · 15/09/2022 20:54

Bahhhhhumbug · 15/09/2022 20:48

I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.
Cheeky fecker putting that guilt on you.You wouldnt be 'making him go' his mum would.

Like many kids he's got two parents who work full time so wrap around care is part & parcel of that.

I hope something gets sorted out.

Sounds as if his mum has worked hard to get back into employment.

CurlUpAndDye · 15/09/2022 20:56

nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 20:40

For some reason because she wants to work but OP isn't working OP's time is seen as less valuable. I would argue it is just as valuable and OP is sacrificing financial reward for time with her child. Who knows how much time we have left in this world. Spend it how you want to OP.

Show quote history

Fully agree Nacho. Normally I don't comment, but sometimes I just can't believe the batshittery on these posts.

BlooberryBiskits · 15/09/2022 21:12

washingbasketqueen · 15/09/2022 15:39

I'd stick to your guns and say no. Dss can go to before and Afterschool childcare that your dh /dh ex should sort.

^ this. If she wants you to facilitate her career, is she offering you a chunk of her pay?

Their child, their issue - all 3 of them can make some compromises and AFTER that maybe I might consider some flexibility/being an occasional back up: not by lying down to be stood on while giving up 1/5 of your salary for the privilege & missing time with your (only?) DC

Olsi109 · 15/09/2022 21:19

100% would say no. That day is precious. I've just gone back after Mat leave. Last year I had DD in year 6, every day limited to school times. Now my 2 days off are soooo much more chilled and laid back as she takes herself to school, stays for clubs and comes home on her own/with big sister. I don't have to get up if baby's had a bad night, rush to get ready and out in the coming cold dark mornings, don't have to rush back for 3 o clock etc. it's not your problem.

Just out of curiosity is this extra day at the beginning of your current days with DSS or the end?