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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
deedledeedledum · 15/09/2022 18:35

Newusername21 · 15/09/2022 15:46

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think - to a certain extent - when you are in a relationship with someone who has existing children - you kind of have to anticipate those other children becoming part of your life too. So that includes looking after them.
It sounds like on the other days the SS is with you - his Dad does step up and do the school runs etc etc - but on this particular day thats not going to be possible.
I don't see the issue with having to do the school run on one day per week - you're helping your whole family unit.
You can always make it crystal clear that you're happy to do this providing it doesn't start sliding into you doing extra on the others days SS was already with you.
Your stepson is part of your family and should feel as included and as welcome as your new baby.

You seem to have missed the bit where the OP has specifically chosen to take a hit in her pay and career progression to have a day with DS. The OP and her DH have totally separate finances. So by doing what you suggest, the OP is taking a hit in her pay and career progression so that DH and Ex can continue with their full pay and career progression. How is this possibly OK? If this is the plan, the OP may as well just stick with her full time job and not have the day off she planned for. Why is the OP the one who is taking up the slack and losing income and affecting her career just so the biological parents don't have to?

whumpthereitis · 15/09/2022 18:37

Discovereads · 15/09/2022 18:30

I know I’m in a minority here, but my concept of family fully includes step children.

I think that OP can say no, but imho it’s sending a message to a 7yr old step son, that he’s not “your son” and your convenience trumps his needs and that your bio son is vastly more important to you than he is, such that he can’t share space with you both.

I agree his bio mum and dad are the ones with the most responsibility, but I don’t think it is wrong of them to ask you, the step parent, to help out in this situation.

The reasons given on this thread, that you only want to be with “your son” and not spoil it by having “some other woman’s child” around…or refusing to help out when it comes to a step child, because “not my child, not my problem”.

Well, it sounds all righteous and firm boundary like, but I think when we have real children with real emotions, they’re really quite hurtful reasons and decisions to make.

I agree with not being a doormat and raising the child completely on your own or doing the bulk of childcare…but there’s a big spectrum between helping out one day a week and replacing his bio mum. I would consider some sort of compromise that makes it work for you logistically, your DH should be able to do one of the school runs…perhaps the morning is best so you’re only doing pick up and a few hours in the afternoon. The entire day is still yours to be with your bio son.

I would also seriously have a discussion with your DH about the maintenance she is offering to pay…it’s for that 1 day and if you’re doing that 1 day, perhaps it should end up going in your account. Add that to child benefit for your child, and you could amass a nice little savings pot for your child…so your child does benefit from his half brother sharing a few hours that extra day with the two of you. It also means you have a child minder type way to offset the financial loss to you of taking that 1 day off work.

I think there’s a win-win solution here. Perhaps think on it a bit more. Saying a flat no is the easy route but it will hurt your DH and step son, offering a compromise that’s fair on you would negate that hurt even if it ends up not happening because it shows you care, you seriously considered it at least tried to find a workable solution.

She doesn’t need to send the message that he’s not her son. He’s not her son, and he’s presumably well aware of that. It’s also quite the assumption that he looks at her as a mother.

Her husband can ask, but he should respect her quite reasonable ‘no’.

I imagine OP has compromised with her husband on a lot of things, but not everything requires compromise. If this is her boundary then she’s fully entitled to just say no.

KatyS36 · 15/09/2022 18:38

I had one DD and my day off a week with her was so so precious. they grow up so quickly and you never get the time back. We could do whatever we wanted for the whole day - it was bliss. I understand your position, I would not have taken on caring for another child, it would have changed the vibe of the day.

KiraKiraHikaru · 15/09/2022 18:38

Buildingthefuture · 15/09/2022 18:23

God, I think most of the responses on here are awful! Have any of you actually ever been a step child?

Mumsnet is a magnet for awful step parents. It’s only the mums that are expected to have nothing to do with the child though. Step dads are expected to love and treat the child the same.

Popaholic · 15/09/2022 18:38

Well obviously the answer is wrap around care at school. It’s not your problem. In the holidays dsc can go to a holiday club. That’s how families with two working parents cope. “He doesnt like ASC” is just a stupid excuse. He doesn’t get a choice!

whumpthereitis · 15/09/2022 18:40

KiraKiraHikaru · 15/09/2022 18:38

Mumsnet is a magnet for awful step parents. It’s only the mums that are expected to have nothing to do with the child though. Step dads are expected to love and treat the child the same.

Show quote history

There’s a big difference between having nothing to do with a stepchild, and acting as a third parent.

my opinion remains the same, stepmother or stepfather.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 18:41

Buildingthefuture · 15/09/2022 18:23

God, I think most of the responses on here are awful! Have any of you actually ever been a step child?

Yes! And yet I realise it was not my step parents job to parent me, when my actual parent preferred to work.

tenbob · 15/09/2022 18:41

KiraKiraHikaru · 15/09/2022 18:38

Mumsnet is a magnet for awful step parents. It’s only the mums that are expected to have nothing to do with the child though. Step dads are expected to love and treat the child the same.

Show quote history

And don’t forget that grandparents are expected to treat step grandchildren the same as biological grandchildren for all birthday presents and when leaving inheritances in their wills!

harriethoyle · 15/09/2022 18:43

@Peeeko you are absolutely right on this. Your DH is a tit too - totally fair enough for ex to ask him, totally unfair of your DH to foist the dilemma onto you when he can't do it. Stand your ground or I suspect this will breed awful resentment.

Wibbly1008 · 15/09/2022 18:44

Perhaps your DH could drop a day to care for his son? Then his ex can profit from his time instead of yours? Cf’s….

girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 18:44

How will you feel if DH adjusts his work pattern to accommodate the extra childcare then wants to intrude on your DS days?

KiraKiraHikaru · 15/09/2022 18:45

tenbob · 15/09/2022 18:41

And don’t forget that grandparents are expected to treat step grandchildren the same as biological grandchildren for all birthday presents and when leaving inheritances in their wills!

Show quote history

I don’t know I’ve never seen that on here tbh. My daughters step grandparents have left her part of their estate in their will.

MeridianB · 15/09/2022 18:46

You’re totally right to say no to this.

I am wondering the same as PPs about whether ex knew your day off. It seems a big coincidence that she has asked DH to cover this as the extra day. Did she ask him to ask you or has he said he will do it and just expected you to agree?

Either way, it’s not on. And I’d be seriously unimpressed with DH’s reaction to you saying no. Can you imagine a woman agreeing this with her ex and expecting her DH to do the childcare? It’s incomprehensible. Which makes his stance pretty poor.

The fact that DSS is happy about spending more time at yours and the ex is talking about maintenance suggests that they have all discussed this and agreed already. Stand your ground! It’s the ex’s responsibility to find a childcare fix for this.

blubberyboo · 15/09/2022 18:46

I think you need to think this through more as your post does scream of you really not wanting your DSS around. When you join together with a person who already has a child there is always going to be a need for sacrifice and compromise. You would not be supporting her in her career but supporting him in his parenting. After all she could drop dead at any time and you would jointly assume full time care of this child.

It takes a village to raise a child and I suspect his ex did not ask him to ask you to watch her child. She most likely asked your DH to help fund childcare and he then came up with this idea himself to save himself money. But if you refuse he will have to pay up and ultimately that comes out of your joint family budget. Funds which could go on other things for you all.

Either come to a compromise or tell him to pay for a babysitter instead and accept it that it will be coming out of his pocket

cestlavielife · 15/09/2022 18:49

Dsc goes to after school care snd dh picks them up .

blubberyboo · 15/09/2022 18:49

Aside from the above I think if you were to do this it would be amazing for the relationship between the 2 brothers and also your relationship with your step son

MeridianB · 15/09/2022 18:49

your post does scream of you really not wanting your DSS around

No. It really doesn’t.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 18:49

blubberyboo · 15/09/2022 18:46

I think you need to think this through more as your post does scream of you really not wanting your DSS around. When you join together with a person who already has a child there is always going to be a need for sacrifice and compromise. You would not be supporting her in her career but supporting him in his parenting. After all she could drop dead at any time and you would jointly assume full time care of this child.

It takes a village to raise a child and I suspect his ex did not ask him to ask you to watch her child. She most likely asked your DH to help fund childcare and he then came up with this idea himself to save himself money. But if you refuse he will have to pay up and ultimately that comes out of your joint family budget. Funds which could go on other things for you all.

Either come to a compromise or tell him to pay for a babysitter instead and accept it that it will be coming out of his pocket

Did you read the op?

They have him half the time. How does that scream she doesn't want him around? She wants one day with her old child. Stop the bloody press. Woman wants to bond with own child.

Also, I'd be telling the other parent to do one if I had my child half the time and they asked me to fund childcare for their time. Why should he fund it? It's her problem. I'd say the same if she was a man, by the way. He does not need to "pay up", she does.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 18:50

blubberyboo · 15/09/2022 18:49

Aside from the above I think if you were to do this it would be amazing for the relationship between the 2 brothers and also your relationship with your step son

But who gives a fuck about the ops relationship with her own son, eh.

CurlUpAndDye · 15/09/2022 18:50

And remember ExW got to be a SAHM to DSS and enjoy all her time with him. Now expects Op to look after DSS instead of getting her own time (where she is taking a hit to her pay) with her small child for one day. And to do it so the ExW can make more money instead of looking after her own child?! Madness! Are the pp disagreeing with this actually understanding the senario?!

And yeah I wound up with a SM. I would have thought it was crazy if she was expected to look after me instead of my DP because they wanted to be off making more money. She's DF's long term partner, and while I like her as a person she's not my Mum.

W00p · 15/09/2022 18:52

This shouldn't even be something you're worrying about, of course you're not being unreasonable. The answer is no, that's the end of it, as others say, she'll have to sort it all out.

shedwithivy · 15/09/2022 18:56

SisterCassandra · 15/09/2022 15:39

Absolutely not your problem. You took a financial hit for a specific reason, to build your relationship with dc. If dh wants to facilitate ex partners new job why can’t he negotiate working from home on the extra day she wants? If he can’t then it’s just lazy and being a bit of a thoughtless cf to assume you’ll take on dsc. Depends how reasonable a human he is as to whether he comes to see your pov or becomes resentful that you don’t help him out. It might affect your relationship but I do think you should stand your ground.

This. You haven't dropped a day at work (and lost out on salary) to be a free childminder. There should be some compensation somewhere for you (eg DH pays for a cleaner for example to make your life easier elsewhere) otherwise you are being taken for granted, as if your time is worth less than theirs.

CatherinedeBourgh · 15/09/2022 19:02

I've been a step child, and I genuinely don't think the OP should do this.

  1. No one will really appreciate it, they will be grateful for about a nanosecond and then will take it for granted that it's her responsibility
  2. When she decides that she wants to go back to work, everyone will sulk at her for upsetting the existing agreement, that she got no gratitude for
  3. No one will make up for her loss of earnings
  4. Honestly, really step dc don't regard their step parents as parents until after many many years unless their bio parent is not in the picture. So you're getting the shit part of parenting without any of the upside

It's a mug's game.

Hawkins001 · 15/09/2022 19:04

All the best and positivity, @Peeeko

Libertyqueen · 15/09/2022 19:05

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 16:04

  1. He wants to come as well which I think makes it hard for DH. He loves it here and seems happy with the idea of staying here another night and DH obviously very happy to have more time with him too.

The reason I'm not keen on compromising and doing the morning school run is that DS is still not a fantastic sleeper so sometimes isn't always up when wed have to be getting up and dressed. If he's up through the night he might fall asleep again at 6 and it's my time then to have a bit of a sleep.

Also during school holidays he'd be with me the whole day I assume.

Show quote history

I think some compromise should be possible. Could your DH put in a flexible working request so he can do mornings, pay for after school club (and agreement to do holiday club in holidays) but you pick up early from holiday club at 4ish.