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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 17/09/2022 16:36

The alternative would have been perpetual dating and she never would have had a child of her own…or she would, but she’d be living alone and raising them.

well yes

Or she could have met someone without children, had a child, and be raising together 😐

Ilovevacations · 17/09/2022 16:36

Oh and by the way, I think you sound wonderful. Really positive, capable. Successful as a parent and in her own skin. It’s just not for everyone.

Doingprettywellthanks · 17/09/2022 16:36

And would I like a man to cuddle up with, to holiday with, to live with?

hell yes. But not at the expense of my childrens’ stability and homelife

Doingprettywellthanks · 17/09/2022 16:37

Ilovevacations · 17/09/2022 16:36

Oh and by the way, I think you sound wonderful. Really positive, capable. Successful as a parent and in her own skin. It’s just not for everyone.

It’s not “for me”

I make a sacrifice. For my children.

Doingprettywellthanks · 17/09/2022 16:39

But yes - I most definitely am positive and enjoy my life! And a great deal of that is absence of the drama that seems to plague blended families and seeing my children happy and settled

funinthesun19 · 17/09/2022 16:46

Or she could have met someone without children, had a child, and be raising together 😐

So because she won’t do the school runs when the ex changes jobs, this is what she should have done in order to avoid having to do it? Just found someone without a child.

Why can’t she just have both? A relationship with the man she loves AND not take his child to school?

Ilovevacations · 17/09/2022 16:48

I think in the op’s case though, the drama can be very easily avoided. All parties seem to get along, so if the DSS goes to after school club or a similar provision, things will likely go back to chugging along nicely. Her DH just has to value his wife’s time and contribution to the family a little more. I think he owes his wife and ex an apology for not thinking and being rather selfish in this instance. Hopefully it’ll be an easy fix.

In my household it’s my 17 who causes most of the drama! Goodness! Who’d have teenagers.

Ilovevacations · 17/09/2022 16:50

That should say 17 year old.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 17/09/2022 17:20

I can’t see anywhere that the husband has actually said yes to his ex already, just that he’s asked OP and is sulking because she’s said no.

Ilovevacations · 17/09/2022 17:23

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 17/09/2022 17:20

I can’t see anywhere that the husband has actually said yes to his ex already, just that he’s asked OP and is sulking because she’s said no.

Very true.
In which case, this could be even less of an issue. Either way, the DH needs to apologise.

Doingprettywellthanks · 17/09/2022 17:25

funinthesun19 · 17/09/2022 16:46

Or she could have met someone without children, had a child, and be raising together 😐

So because she won’t do the school runs when the ex changes jobs, this is what she should have done in order to avoid having to do it? Just found someone without a child.

Why can’t she just have both? A relationship with the man she loves AND not take his child to school?

Because she married a bit of a twat unfortunately

neverbeenskiing · 17/09/2022 17:40

It’s a sad day imho when a working mother with the luxury of an established career bringing in ample income such that she can choose to only work 4 days a week won’t help another mother trying to establish a career and income for herself by watching their own school age step son for a few hours in the afternoon.

Even by MN standards, this is an absolutely batshit insane take on the OP's situation. Why on earth should OP want to sacrifice time with her own child so that a woman she has no personal relationship with whatsoever can progress in her chosen career?? Can you imagine being "sad" that a man who had worked hard his whole life and established a successful career wasn't willing to give up his free time to look after someone else's child?? Would you expect him to be concerned about the career prospects and earning potential of a man he isn't friends with or related to?? No, because it's only women who are expected to be selfless and have no boundaries whatsoever.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 17/09/2022 17:50

Yeah that was the highlight in an already ridiculous thread. Starting to think it should be in Classics.

Catfordthefifth · 17/09/2022 17:52

I reckon it needs adding to the bingo card personally!

funinthesun19 · 17/09/2022 18:27

neverbeenskiing · 17/09/2022 17:40

It’s a sad day imho when a working mother with the luxury of an established career bringing in ample income such that she can choose to only work 4 days a week won’t help another mother trying to establish a career and income for herself by watching their own school age step son for a few hours in the afternoon.

Even by MN standards, this is an absolutely batshit insane take on the OP's situation. Why on earth should OP want to sacrifice time with her own child so that a woman she has no personal relationship with whatsoever can progress in her chosen career?? Can you imagine being "sad" that a man who had worked hard his whole life and established a successful career wasn't willing to give up his free time to look after someone else's child?? Would you expect him to be concerned about the career prospects and earning potential of a man he isn't friends with or related to?? No, because it's only women who are expected to be selfless and have no boundaries whatsoever.

And you just know it’s so one sided too. One woman is expected to help the other but I doubt it would apply the other way around. It certainly wouldn’t be “sad” if the ex refused to support op.
I hate to say it, but sometimes the golden uterus thing does pop in to my head sometimes.

MeridianB · 17/09/2022 19:50

Catfordthefifth · 17/09/2022 17:52

I reckon it needs adding to the bingo card personally!

Indeed. “The luxury of an established career”.

🎪

EL8888 · 17/09/2022 21:47

@MeridianB another vote for it to go on the bingo card. It’s impressively cringe

HeddaGarbeld · 18/09/2022 01:43

The term “golden uterus” is vile. There’s no male equivalent on MN. Go figure.

Snort at saying a phrase used by only one poster should be added to the bingo card. Don’t think you’re quite getting that phrases on a metaphorical bingo card are meant to be well-used cliches.

This is a thread where 89% people out of thousands think the OP isn’t BU and still there’s talk of “MN standards” about stepmothers. This thread shows the opposite of that; the majority of people aren’t criticising the stepmother. As a stepmother I’m happy to see that. There’ll always be one with a batshit take, but if you see that as representing what a lot of people think when there’s evidence to the contrary then that’s on you.

Catfordthefifth · 18/09/2022 09:39

@HeddaGarbeld I think perhaps youre taking this all a little bit too seriously. I know perfectly well how a bingo card works. I think many of us just found it so utterly ridiculous it was funny and will remember it. That's all. You seem very invested in proving this board is pro stepmother. Yes, this thread has thankfully been mostly sensible, however that doesn't mean to say we can't comment or remark about general batshittery that has really suprised us or that MN in general is pro SM. . I can tell you are unhappy with my comments in particular which I find a bit unusual to be honest, you seem to be fixated on telling me what I can and can't say. I'm also happy that this thread has shown common sense, I think most of us are. Again though that doesn't mean we should ignore comments which basically tell women they should roll over and serve other women. You would call that out if someone was telling you to work for a man. In my mind, this is just as bad.
Stop trying to police the thread.

Doingprettywellthanks · 18/09/2022 10:55

My main take away from this thread is that some posters must spend hours on mumsnet every day!

BeaLola · 18/09/2022 11:19

I know you said straight away you can't change your day off but have you asked your colleague ? She may be happy to swap days with you? It seems such a coincidence that the help us needed on your known day off . If she swaps it to another day sounds like your DH would be wfh and could nip out ?

CristinaNov182 · 18/09/2022 11:23

I hope you stood your ground, this is entirely unreasonable.

funinthesun19 · 18/09/2022 13:02

The term “golden uterus” is vile. There’s no male equivalent on MN. Go figure.

Yeah I know it’s a horrid term. Sorry.
That comment was annoying though and as other posters have said, why shouldn’t that poster be called out on it even if she is the only one on the thread to say it? You called me out because you didn’t like what I put. So go figure.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/09/2022 13:21

@OP, how have you got on? I do hope your DH and his ex has managed to sort this out between themselves and not involved you further with it.

HeddaGarbeld · 18/09/2022 13:44

funinthesun19 · 18/09/2022 13:02

The term “golden uterus” is vile. There’s no male equivalent on MN. Go figure.

Yeah I know it’s a horrid term. Sorry.
That comment was annoying though and as other posters have said, why shouldn’t that poster be called out on it even if she is the only one on the thread to say it? You called me out because you didn’t like what I put. So go figure.

What great defensive, disingenuous, logic Grin To spell out the obvious: I didn’t say the poster shouldn’t have been called out for that comment. I agree they should have been. If I’d seen their comment first I probably would have done it myself. But obviously there are ways to call them out without using “golden uterus”. Using that undermines your point, it looks like bitterness and pitches them against us.

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