To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

By what I said you mean my opinion, so exactly what I just said.

Well yes, I agree. He shouldn't have said yes, but it is originally her time and what she should have done was sort it out rather than assuming the other parent would sort it. However, yes, he should have said no rather than ask op.

It seems you simply cannot accept a mother can ever be in the wrong. I think you'd be singing a different tune if it was a dad voluntarily giving his time up with his child.

Yes, agreed OP doesn’t need help nor is she willing to help even her own family, some people are like that. Me first. What I want matters more than what you need. The not my problem, you’re on your own attitude.

This whole thread is about different opinions on what OP should do, because it is a fact she can help. It’s her choice, but every choice comes with consequences and I’ve posted about the usual consequences of her preferred choice to her child, her stepchild and her relationship with her partner.

At least she can’t say she wasn’t warned and no one spoke up to say there is another choice she could make. Even though our voices are tiny compared to yours.

Me first. What I want matters more than what you need

Arguably you could say that about this child's actual parents who aren't falling over themselves to look after him, no?

Don’t think you could say that to be fair.
OP did explain that the child’s bio parents do the vast majority of looking after him already. So you’re incorrect on this.

@Discovereads

As I say. 9 out of 10 people disagree. So OP can make her decision guilt free and I hope she does what is best for her.

I hope she does what is best for the children.

The solution is wrap around care, why does what a 7 year old want top what a grown adult needs and what a baby will benefit from? OP needs bonding time with her baby, she wants one day a week with her baby, why is that too much to ask?

no not exactly what you just said @Catfordthefifth because you were saying I disagreed with anyone just for having an option. Which clearly isn’t true.

The mother asking the father to have the child was her sorting it. Again, not difficult to understand. Maybe the father had said before he’d like an extra night with the son.

Hark at me not able to simply accept a mother can ever be in the wrong. You seem to be confused and think we’re talking about all the mothers in the world ever rather than just this one.

I’d absolutely say the same if it was a father. The mother has had the son for the majority of the time up to now and is now swapping because of her job. She still gets about half the week with her son. I wouldn’t judge a male parent for that either.

I would argue that a happy mother is a better mother.

My God.

This thread is the motivation I need to consider whether MN is a good use of my time.

People arguing back and forth over pages and pages, and not one single person’s mind changed. The OP long gone, and her mind not changed, either.

So, so pointless.

It's not her sorting it at all! It's not sorted. There is no childcare. I think both parents are to blame. Neither of them can be arsed so poor op ends up doing it. Whatever way you spin it, it's not fair.

She didn't have him the majority of the time at all, it was 50/50. Read the thread!

I'm not judging her for working, I'm judging both of them for assuming op will look after their child.

But yet neither of them want to parent him on this day. Weird.

Of course it’s her sorting it, don’t be absurd. If your co-parent says yes I can look after the child then, that’s it sorted as far as she’s concerned.

Not the ex’s fault the OP said he could do it without sorting out a plan. You should be able to trust your fellow co-parent when they say they can do something.

You’re reaching try to make her as or more at fault than the father when that’s not patently not the case.

And yes I did “read the thread!” By majority I meant the mum has him 4 days out of 7 at the moment which is the majority. I should have been clearer that’s what I meant. She’ll be going to 3 out of 7.

Ack my mistake I just checked (hard to scroll back pages on phone) and they do have the child 50:50 at the moment. For some reason I thought they were swapping the 4:3 arrangement.

Still, it’s not like the mother isn’t going to be seeing the boy. She’s gone from 3.5 to 3.

I know, I never said that........

No my comprehension clearly isn’t lacking. My memory is.

It isn’t the mother’s fault. It’s the father’s for telling the mother he can do something he can’t.

Didn’t think or say you did

Oh so it's okay to stretch an blame it all on him, but not on her. Funny how it works for you but not me (even though I've said multiple times I think its both of them!)

They're both as bad as each other imo. I'm not going to continue to argue with you.

Forcing a child out of their own home outside their regular school day is cruel imho. And for what? So OP can have 11hrs of special alone time with her “real son” instead of 8hrs? Are those few extra hours truly a need worth making another family member miserable over? Will OP and half brother actually suffer if the step son comes home after school like a normal kid would?

It’s the the commitment to that particular day every single week all year round. It’s more than just the pick up too. It’s the morning school run too and covering those days during holidays. it’s a fucking shed load of time for the OP to commit to.

Especially when the sole purpose of her cutting a day at work was to spend quality time with her real son as you politely put it. His existence is literally why she made that choice. It wasn’t made with dss’s school runs in mind was it? That wasn’t her plan then and it shouldn’t have to be now.

What would dss’s parents have done if she was still working on that day? They should do that.

Not a stretch to blame it all on him.

it IS all on him.The OP said herself the mother didn’t say for the OP to do it.The mother asked the father, he said yes he could do it. The mother thought she’d solved the issue.

In your opinion.

In mine, if it's your time, sort it out yourself because it saves issues like this and other people getting taken advantage of. It also stops routines etc being disrupted. In an ideal world you can rely on your co parent but in reality you split with them for a reason.

But if you hand over the time, IT’S NOT YOURS ANYMORE.

Clearly you don't quite understand. I'm not going to try and explain to you again.

It’s the the commitment to that particular day every single week all year round. It’s more than just the pick up too. It’s the morning school run too and covering those days during holidays. it’s a fucking shed load of time for the OP to commit to.

Strong agree. The school run is such a bind. The OP will have it in 3 years and then maybe she won’t mind taking both her DS and DSS to school and picking them both up, But until then, she shouldn’t be binding herself and her son to that unless she wants to. Which she doesn’t,