To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

Oh I understand. You think the mother should not have asked the father to have their son an extra night. I think that she should be able to ask this, and vice versa.

She did ask, and the father said yes without checking with the OP and securing childcare. Once that happened, it’s purely the father’s responsibility and time.

It’s not 8 hours between state school runs it’s 5-6 at best. Plus 13 weeks hols.
So Op wants to go to out with son she sets off after school run gets there 10am then is clock watching as she has to be away by 2pm to make school pick up. So probably no point going as can’t make a day if it - zoo, farm etc.
Baby been up in night or both tired after being at work/nursery, fancy a lie in and a chilled pj morning - no can do as ss needs to be at school. It’s a huge imposition.

Fucking hell, took you long enough. Guess what? You absolutely can prioritize yourself (and your child, in OP’s case), you don’t always have to put yourself second to others and prostrate yourself like a doormat with tits. Most people employ a bit of balance, rather than strictly adhering to one or the other.

Warned about what? Her husband being an arse because he couldn’t dump his responsibilities on her? Maybe he should be warned of the consequences of taking the piss out of his wife.

This thread is hilarious. Just when you think it’s slowed down it re-ups like Popeye after a crack binge.

Exactly. These are the type of compromises mums of 2+ have to make. And in those cases they don’t mind as they’re just getting on with their lives with their own children. A mum of two isn’t going to resent taking her 8 year old to school after being up with her baby all night. Might not be pleasant and a lot of us have been there, but she won’t have a strong feeling of “I shouldn’t have to be doing this.”
Equally so, she won’t resent shorter days with her toddler in order to be available to pick her 8 year old up, because it’s just the way it is.

It’s not “the way it is” for OP though.

And it's just a coincidence that the day his parents don't want to parent him is the OP'S day off, righ

If there's one thing that enrages people, it's a woman who has some boundaries.

Stand your ground on this OP. There are no villains in the piece but it's so easy for the stepmum to be painted as one.

DHs EX should get childcare for the day extra like many families do if your DH cant accommodate the change in arrangements himself. It's not your job to facilitate her life.

One of DSS’s parents will have to take responsibility for him. The other parent has to pay maintenance to that one as it’s not 50:50 - someone has DS more.

None of this is OP’s concern as she is literally paying 1/5 of her wages to have this day with her own son, to spend as they please. She is keeping up her 50% of the household budget so not beholden to anyone about how she spends this day.

These are the type of compromises mums of 2+ have to make.

What has this got to do with anything when the OP has one child? She is not a mum of 2+.

If the bio parents did, you wouldn't need to worry about whether the stepmum did.

Ridiculous that she should be more responsible for a child than his two parents.

It’s a no from me.
your dh has got to either say no, or take responsibility for his child.

What has this got to do with anything when the OP has one child? She is not a mum of 2+.

Maybe you should read my post properly and all of my other posts. 🙄

I was saying that’s what mums of 2+ have to make but NOT OP!!

What like the child's parents are?! 🤔

He doesn't value your time off, he wouldn't be asking you if you were working.

you value this time to the tune of giving up 20% of your income.

@Catfordthefifth very batshit!

@MsRosley a lot of people do find it unsettling when women have boundaries. Instead of them being walked all over or being a martyr. Its healthy to have boundaries and keep them. OP is more than contributing to the house (she’s more that paying her way in actual fact and actually should pay less in my opinion). Why shouldn’t she have a day at home and not fill it with doing stuff for other people

It’s a crappy marriage but because of the blended family scenario - the kids will no doubt experience for the second time the consequences of a parent relationship breakdown.

i don’t get it why people do it to themselves and their children. Is it so hard just dating each other until all children involved are, say late teens?

it wouldn’t matter whether I met the love of my life… my childrens home is remaining squarely their home and their home alone (and mine!) until they head off to uni earliest!

Depends on whether you want a baby and how long you've got if so.

No, it doesn’t.

i divorces when youngest 18 months. Now youngest is 10. Dated causally, one quote seriously. Never ever ever stayed over whilst children here and vice versa. No blended family holidays, no sharing the bathroom with a new man, none of that.

and when it fizzled out, no loss at all to the children. They’d met him a handful of times!

Oh and I was clear from the outset when we knew we really liked each other - never ever will we be blending families by moving in together and very limited forced get togethers for all kids concerned.

As time went on, he really wanted more blending.l and started talking about one day when we do live together, we will have enough bedrooms for all.

er no. We won’t thanks

Hence I finished the relationship.

Ok,

but what if a woman has no children and meets and falls in love with a man who has children from a previous relationship.
Is she to forfeit her own happiness; possible marriage; children and family, until her partner’s children turn 18?

I’m glad that you are happy with your decision and it’s worked out for you. For many people, your situation would not be desirable though.

But I don’t see that as “blending families” (although still no bloody way would I pursue with a man with children if I was single).

and they’ll be half siblings.

mangling two families together involving toddlers, tweens, teens - which utterly no connection to one another whatsoever?

no

But isn’t that pretty much what happened in op’s case?

She was single and childless; her husband has a child from a previous marriage.

For many people, your situation would not be desirable though.

what? A single parent, happy, fulfilled, financially strong, no arguments, no tension, queen of my domain. And most importantly, by a massive margin, my children are happy, settled, their home is ONLY their home, no drama, no sharing with other kids thrust into their home

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying ‘your’ situation is undesirable. I’m just saying it isn’t desirable for everyone.

I love living with a man. I love sleeping in the same bed, getting to cuddle every night. I accept for you that isn’t as important as your parental role, but for me, it is. We aren’t all the same - I’m Charlotte the mum, but I’m also Charlotte with her own needs. (Except my name isn’t really Charlotte).

Op was a single woman who met and married a man with a child. They went on to live together and have a child. The alternative would have been perpetual dating and she never would have had a child of her own…or she would, but she’d be living alone and raising them.

I was just confused by your post which suggested that they should never have blended families…but then you say you don’t think of this situation as a blended family. I apologise if I’ve misunderstood.