To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

Yes of course the mother (indirectly) has an influence on the OP’s life, that is something that comes along with being part of a blended family.

But there’s criticism on here for the mother asking the OP or expecting her to do childcare, when that isn’t the case.

And there’s an undertone of snide blame in your posts. The mother has every right to “make big decisions”, in this case her decision is to take a job. It’s the type of mundane big decisions many of us make at some point. She’s not moving to Australia.

The OP hasn’t answered questions by PP on what the mother does for childcare other days. But clearly she has an arrangement.

It’s the DP that’s at fault here for saying yes without looking into options first.

It’s like a low budget workshop for character development: ‘an arsehole, but make it exotic’.

It’s also good for children to not get what they want all the time, helps build resilience. Who knows, he may get to ASC and love it.

TLDR: if you don't prioritise your stepchild above everything and everyone else at all times, you're a narcissist.

Dear baby jesus and all his angels. You couldn't make it up 😂

You clearly haven’t read the thread.

By far the majority of posters and votes are pro the OP. But why let the truth get in the way of sone hysterical eye rolling and brow mopping.

Snort.

It is amazing how many narcissists there apparently are according to MN.

I believe that poster was in reference to one specific person's ridiculous argument.

Perhaps. But TL;DR is used for threads. I think they knew it was in response to one poster but we’re quite happy to imply it was the entire thread. A few posters love sensationalism.

Threads and articles I should have said WRT to TL;DR.

The poster could have used the quote function but didn’t. They knew exactly what they were doing.

And there’s an undertone of snide blame in your posts. The mother has every right to “make big decisions”, in this case her decision is to take a job. It’s the type of mundane big decisions many of us make at some point. She’s not moving to Australia.

Of course she can make big decisions and has every right to. But what I’m saying is that OP doesn’t have to be the one to make herself available to support and facilitate those decisions especially if it’s to her own detriment. And it’s not a snub towards the child either by not making herself available, which some people clearly think it is.
But I agree, the husband is the one who has caused the current conflict by expecting the OP to help when she shouldn’t have to. He could have just agreed to help his ex and then actually helped his ex himself.

Hi op

I agree with the overwhelming majority. You should not look after your DSS on your day off.

You already look after your DSS for at least 3 days of the week along with your DH and I assume on those days he is loved and happy and treated fairly.

You’ve taken a pay cut for an additional day off and that is to be spent as you intended.

Any implication that your DSS will feel rejected and unloved because you won’t pick him up from school for an extra day is frankly ridiculous. And it most certainly will not hurt him to attend after school provision, even if he doesn’t particularly want to go.

It was wrong of your DH to offer your time (and money) to look after your DSS for an additional day and I think a firm no is appropriate.

What if in a month you need extra money and have to go back to work? The last thing you want is to be tied to an additional responsibility.

Saying ‘no’ will not make you a bad, uncaring or mean step mum. Making the child attend after school club will not make his parents bad parent’s either. Situations like this are exactly what after school club is for, so I fail to see why there would be further issue.

All the best with it!

I used the quote function. And regret it look at the size of that thing! It slowed the whole app for me.

It’s easy to sit in your armchair and say “just get childcare” but there’s a crisis in both availability and affordability of childcare right now.

I'm in a wooden chair and there's nothing easy about it. Fucking thing does my back in.

Childcare is the problem of the bio parents. But actually I didn't say "just get childcare". I said the parents' job was to factor their own child into their change of working arrangements. If they cannot get the childcare between them, then they cannot take the job.

And OP is not obliged to give up her own time with her child to facilitate the decision another child's parents made without doing their job properly. She's giving up spare money while still paying 50% of household costs to have this time. It's not for parents of another child to impose upon her so that they don't have to factor their own son into their career decisions.

@HeddaGarbeld apologies for my incorrect use of TLDR. I was using it in jest in reference to one particular PPs incredibly lengthy posts, as @Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim has correctly spotted. I hate the bloody quote function, especially on my phone, and especially where the content is so long it makes the thread annoying to read. Will ensure I use my acronyms in a more considered fashion going forward.

@Discovereads

While one cannot help their feelings, the role of any parent is still to treat all their children (bio and step) fairly, and not exhibit blatant favouritism

i am not a step parent. I will never ever be a step parent of a child under 18. Ever. I will never “blend families”.

why?

1. I want my childrens home to be their home and theirs alone. Not to share with a man that their mother has fallen in love with, not to share with any of his off spring. I write this looking at my 17 yr old on the sofa in the skimpiest nightie you can imagine because she’s got V&D. She’d be holed up in her room if another family was here.
2. I could never love a step child the same or indeed child even close to how I love my own and inevitably - that would show.
3. i would step over any step child in the event of a house fire in order to reach my own child and get them to safety first before if even think about any other child

It's a sad day when someone who is paying her own way and minding her business suddenly is cast as the villian in a scenario that is absolutely none of her making.

It's not her fault the ex-wife chose to have children before establishing her career, it's not her fault that the child's father isn't willing to exert himself to change his work routine. And it certainly isn't her fault that the kid doesn't like kids clubs before and after school. Probably quite a few kids don't, but they survive and he will too.

Imagine expecting someone to give up 20 percent of their income and slow their career progression in order to service the demands of their husband's ex-wife?!

@Discovereads

It would be very interesting to know your status. Step parent? Bio children? No children? Step child yourself?

The OP said the child was upset at the suggestion because he likes it at his Dads home and doesn’t understand why he can’t just come home after school (post 3pm) since his step mum is off that whole day

"DSS, mum and dad are working and SM is out so you need to go to ASC"

There. Full explanation in a few short words for DSS to understand. No need for alarm or frets about being unwanted or unloved or anything. He's too young to be home alone so he can't be at home at all during that time.
If either parent wants to paint him a picture of how SM won't rearrange her life around his mother's new job because her own child is her priority and it's a terrible insult to him personally, that's entirely on them.

Ack @blackberrybat fair enough just name the poster next time so it’s clear you don’t mean the entire thread? Cheers.

I haven’t read most of the recent long posts on here myself.

If either parent wants to paint him a picture of how SM won't rearrange her life around his mother's new job because her own child is her priority and it's a terrible insult to him personally, that's entirely on them.

Yup.

If either parent wants to paint him a picture of how SM won't rearrange her life around his mother's new job because her own child is her priority and it's a terrible insult to him personally, that's entirely on them.

Yup.

Not your problem. You're not a child minder and they've both agreed to you doing something for THEIR child without even asking first! DH shouldn't have said it's okay and the ex shouldn't have taken the job without sorting childcare out.

@Doingprettywellthanks all so far so jnotmal to me. I'm step mum to adult step kids (never lived with them) & whilst i love them, i would also step on top of them to help my child. X

Well to be fair I said I would step over them rather than “on” them 😂

but if stepping “on” them helped me reach my children quicker - then hell yes I’d step on them!

Ah I’ve AS @Discovereads

Fruit cake.