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Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 16:26

And it’s not a snub towards the child either by not making herself available, which some people clearly think it is.

Agreed @funinthesun19 Although the “some people” here is one or two.

One thing I don’t get @Peeeko is that if it’s an extra night and day, then don’t the extra pickup and drop off fall on different days? Eg extra night Thursday so pick up then, and drop off Fri morning?

blackberrybat · 16/09/2022 16:32

@HeddaGarbeld I'm guessing that e.g. dad already picks up on the Thursday, then OP is being expected to DO and PU on the Friday and keep DSS until his DM finishes work. I think that makes sense anyway?!

HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 16:47

@blackberrybat yes possible if they switch in the evening. I was assuming the parent who collects might have them that night as that makes more logical sense and is usually happens.

bringbackveronicamars · 16/09/2022 16:55

It’s a sad day imho when a working mother with the luxury of an established career bringing in ample income such that she can choose to only work 4 days a week won’t help another mother trying to establish a career and income for herself by watching their own school age step son for a few hours in the afternoon.

Seriously? By that standard, every woman who works part time should be looking to provide childcare for other women who can't afford to work part time? And teachers with all those holidays 'off' should of course be offering to look after other women's children so they don't have to fork out for childcare over the holidays?

The OP doesn't have to watch the step son on her planned days off with her own child. She doesn't have to cut her afternoons short to accommodate someone else's child. She's taking a pay cut to work 4 days a week instead of 5 for a while to spend some special time with her own child; becoming the childcare provider for another child because she's suddenly 'available' according to someone else isn't true or her problem.

The child's parents need to sort it out amongst themselves. Sheesh.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/09/2022 16:58

Yousee · 16/09/2022 16:05

The OP said the child was upset at the suggestion because he likes it at his Dads home and doesn’t understand why he can’t just come home after school (post 3pm) since his step mum is off that whole day

"DSS, mum and dad are working and SM is out so you need to go to ASC"

There. Full explanation in a few short words for DSS to understand. No need for alarm or frets about being unwanted or unloved or anything. He's too young to be home alone so he can't be at home at all during that time.
If either parent wants to paint him a picture of how SM won't rearrange her life around his mother's new job because her own child is her priority and it's a terrible insult to him personally, that's entirely on them.

This totally @Yousee

sm Isn’t at home at 3pm so can’t pick you up

are you willing to pick him up at 6pm @Peeeko or will dh

LuftBalloons · 16/09/2022 17:19

the luxury of an established career

The luxury of an established career @Discovereads ???

Do you think @Peeeko just snapped her fingers and her "established career with an ample income" just magically fell in her lap???!!!!

Bonkers

CoolerThanIceCream · 16/09/2022 17:25

Doingprettywellthanks · 16/09/2022 15:59

@Discovereads

While one cannot help their feelings, the role of any parent is still to treat all their children (bio and step) fairly, and not exhibit blatant favouritism

i am not a step parent. I will never ever be a step parent of a child under 18. Ever. I will never “blend families”.

why?

  1. I want my childrens home to be their home and theirs alone. Not to share with a man that their mother has fallen in love with, not to share with any of his off spring. I write this looking at my 17 yr old on the sofa in the skimpiest nightie you can imagine because she’s got V&D. She’d be holed up in her room if another family was here.
  2. I could never love a step child the same or indeed child even close to how I love my own and inevitably - that would show.
  3. i would step over any step child in the event of a house fire in order to reach my own child and get them to safety first before if even think about any other child

This, with absolute bells on.

Way too many people go into step-child situations with their eyes clamped firmly shut, and then are surprised when the inevitable issues arise.

Coffeepot72 · 16/09/2022 17:32

It’s a sad day imho when a working mother with the luxury of an established career bringing in ample income such that she can choose to only work 4 days a week won’t help another mother trying to establish a career and income for herself by watching their own school age step son for a few hours in the afternoon.

WTF? Having established a career myself I really don’t feel motivated to offer free child care in my spare time. And I certainly wouldn’t do this to help DH’s ex wife …..

EL8888 · 16/09/2022 17:38

@Coffeepot72 cringe

Its actually a sad day when someone agrees to do a job that they don’t have the correct childcare to fulfil. Then tried to fob the responsibility off onto their ex wife

EL8888 · 16/09/2022 17:39

Ex’s wife rather

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 17:48

Well this all went a bit batshit didn't it.

funinthesun19 · 16/09/2022 18:59

It’s a sad day imho when a working mother with the luxury of an established career bringing in ample income such that she can choose to only work 4 days a week won’t help another mother trying to establish a career and income for herself by watching their own school age step son for a few hours in the afternoon.

I assume if it was the other way around you’d think the ex wife should be going out of her way to support OP in some way?

HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 19:22

EL8888 · 16/09/2022 17:38

@Coffeepot72 cringe

Its actually a sad day when someone agrees to do a job that they don’t have the correct childcare to fulfil. Then tried to fob the responsibility off onto their ex wife

Come now, play fair. The mum may have said yes to the job knowing that if the father said no, she had visible backup childcare options. For all we know she’d checked there was an afterschool club place.

But the father said yes.

The father should not have said yes without firming the childcare provision his end.

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:32

Doingprettywellthanks · 16/09/2022 15:59

@Discovereads

While one cannot help their feelings, the role of any parent is still to treat all their children (bio and step) fairly, and not exhibit blatant favouritism

i am not a step parent. I will never ever be a step parent of a child under 18. Ever. I will never “blend families”.

why?

  1. I want my childrens home to be their home and theirs alone. Not to share with a man that their mother has fallen in love with, not to share with any of his off spring. I write this looking at my 17 yr old on the sofa in the skimpiest nightie you can imagine because she’s got V&D. She’d be holed up in her room if another family was here.
  2. I could never love a step child the same or indeed child even close to how I love my own and inevitably - that would show.
  3. i would step over any step child in the event of a house fire in order to reach my own child and get them to safety first before if even think about any other child

I can respect this. It’s similar to why some women choose to be childfree because they know they’d be a shit mother. You’ve chosen to never be a stepmother because you know you’d be absolute shit at it. Admitting you’d consciously step over your stepchild and leave them to burn to death in a house fire…that takes guts realise about yourself and then share on a forum.

Sadly, there are posters on here who do not have the self-awareness you do and are trying to justify themselves when really, they should follow your example and not attempt to be a stepmother.

viques · 16/09/2022 19:32

safetyfreak · 15/09/2022 16:58

Oh my, SS goes to afterschool club, sorted!

Stick to your guns OP.

thats term time sorted. Now, holidays? Half terms? Inset days that fall on that day? Child with sniffles, sudden attack of the runs, thrown up overnight?

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:33

viques · 16/09/2022 19:32

thats term time sorted. Now, holidays? Half terms? Inset days that fall on that day? Child with sniffles, sudden attack of the runs, thrown up overnight?

Show quote history

Ooh how about his parents bloody well sort it out like the rest of us have to?

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:34

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:32

I can respect this. It’s similar to why some women choose to be childfree because they know they’d be a shit mother. You’ve chosen to never be a stepmother because you know you’d be absolute shit at it. Admitting you’d consciously step over your stepchild and leave them to burn to death in a house fire…that takes guts realise about yourself and then share on a forum.

Sadly, there are posters on here who do not have the self-awareness you do and are trying to justify themselves when really, they should follow your example and not attempt to be a stepmother.

Show quote history

You missed an important bit off the end. In your opinion. Your massively bias opinion.

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:37

LuftBalloons · 16/09/2022 17:19

the luxury of an established career

The luxury of an established career @Discovereads ???

Do you think @Peeeko just snapped her fingers and her "established career with an ample income" just magically fell in her lap???!!!!

Bonkers

Yes luxury. Be careful what you take for granted or think of as purely due to your own efforts. Luck, opportunity and privilege all have more impact on whether you will ever have or keep an established career than hard work.

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:38

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:37

Yes luxury. Be careful what you take for granted or think of as purely due to your own efforts. Luck, opportunity and privilege all have more impact on whether you will ever have or keep an established career than hard work.

Show quote history

So it's just bad luck the ex decided to only get a degree now her child is a bit older?

It's not is it, it's a conscious choice.

viques · 16/09/2022 19:39

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:33

Ooh how about his parents bloody well sort it out like the rest of us have to?

Show quote history

Well, yes, that’s what I was implying, it isn’t as easy as child goes to after school club, problem sorted. All sorts of other things crop up, often without warning in the case of illness, and if the OP doesn’t make it clear that she is NOT the default back up from the start then the guilt tripping will start. Once the edges are nibbled away with “I will do drop off in the morning and he can go to after school club” then we all know where it will end.

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:39

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:33

Ooh how about his parents bloody well sort it out like the rest of us have to?

Show quote history

You missed an important bit off the end. In your opinion. Your massively bias[ed] opinion.

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:42

viques · 16/09/2022 19:39

Well, yes, that’s what I was implying, it isn’t as easy as child goes to after school club, problem sorted. All sorts of other things crop up, often without warning in the case of illness, and if the OP doesn’t make it clear that she is NOT the default back up from the start then the guilt tripping will start. Once the edges are nibbled away with “I will do drop off in the morning and he can go to after school club” then we all know where it will end.

Show quote history

Oh yeah absolutely agree!

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:43

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:38

So it's just bad luck the ex decided to only get a degree now her child is a bit older?

It's not is it, it's a conscious choice.

Show quote history

You don’t know anything about this woman or her life, you have no idea what sort of luck, opportunity or privilege/lack of privilege she has been dealt in her life. So you cannot say with any surety why her life is on its current path.

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:44

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:39

You missed an important bit off the end. In your opinion. Your massively bias[ed] opinion.

Show quote history

.... Ah you're doing this again. It's not biased to say that working parents generally sort out childcare themselves is it? It's literally a fact. If you work, you pay for childcare. It's literally what happens.
Do you actually have any first hand experience of having children and working or?

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 19:45

Discovereads · 16/09/2022 19:43

You don’t know anything about this woman or her life, you have no idea what sort of luck, opportunity or privilege/lack of privilege she has been dealt in her life. So you cannot say with any surety why her life is on its current path.

Show quote history

I can say it's a choice she went to uni now because it literally is a choice.

It's funny how you can say op only had a good job because of luck but obv nobody else can know why this woman's life is as it is.