To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

Why is the rhetoric always, "You married a man with children and that means you need to take account of his children." Why isn't it, "He married a woman with a career, a life and personal goals of her own, and he should respect her boundaries with regard to a situation that is not of her making; and he shouldn't be using her to make up for his shortcomings and those of his ex in the time management, childcare, rearing, nurturing, mental health etc of his child." The OP behaving with kindness and decency towards the DSS when he is there is the beginning and end of her obligations towards either him or her "D"H (entitled arse). She is not there to make up for the failings of his parents.

(And this particular OP seems to have made a very clear point of keeping her finances and career decisions separate and hers alone to make. No blurred boundaries between responsibilities. If the "D"H hasn't got the message that her time and money are not his to give away when he feels like it, then he is very dense indeed - or simply entitled, as so many men on these step parent threads seem to be).

And please give over with the 7 year old not enjoying after school club. It's not bloody Colditz is it? It's just spending a bit more time in school with other children from his school, playing games, watching DVDs and eating toast. Pushing kids out of their comfort zone every now and then isn't a bad thing for them. If OP hadn't taken a career and financial hit to take one day off a week to be with her son, after school club is exactly what the DSS would be doing, since his parents don't seem to be willing to sort out their own working hours to accommodate having him.

If they won't stop trying to force you to do this, I'd be very tempted to suggest that I'm going back to work on the Fridays now since my plans haven't worked out, then save up that extra money and extra days holiday and go off on a little holiday just the 2 of you to make up for the time you've missed out on.
I wouldn't be giving up my day off to run after a child that isn't my own when I've taken the day off to spend it out and about with my child.

OP is treating DSS as her own... because DSS's own parents don't want to change their working hours for his benefit either!

I imagine if OP decided to go and take DSS for a drastic haircut or to get his ear pierced or whatever leaving him alone for 30 mins in the house when he's 10yo while she goes to work without consulting the parents she'd have her arse handed to her as he's not her child.

It's not just term time to think about, what about school holidays, will you be expected to have him all day?

There's always one who absolutely loses the run of themselves on step parent threads. I am not an SM myself but I have definitely noticed this tendency on here.

Good points.

This issue never should have reached the OP. It's his parents' problem.

This sounds more of a case of disappointing biological parents more than anything else

Rather than anything to do with step parents

“Treat” any step children
Is very different to your original post where you said “feel about any step children”

Why do you wish still together?

presumably it was far from pleasant pre divorce?

I'm a childfree SM who works 4 days a week. I do so because I want more free time to and for myself, to be spent doing exactly what I please. I earn more than DH and we have a similar set up to OP financially, so I could afford to take a pay cut without affecting my 'share' of our household expenses.

Hell would freeze over before I committed my precious day off to accommodate looking after my DSC every single week, being tied to school runs. Sure I help out in an emergency, or might offer to pick up on a day I have no other plans, but other than that, no. I'd rather go back to 5 days a week and earn the extra money than basically sacrifice pay to be at someone else's beck and call on my day off.

OP having a baby of her own is a little bit of a red herring IMO - she's being asked to give up her precious time and effectively money to benefit her DHs ex. Big fat no from me. if she had her own school aged child and the restrictions on the day that go with that it might be different, but she doesn't!

And
guessing you wouldn’t want your parents to be unhappy together
Not strikes me that neither of your parents are meeting your expectations of them and and you see the root of that due to them not being together rather than it just being… them

I'm sorry for what you went through, but I think you're projecting your situation on to OP which isn't fair. Your solution for a problem for the 2 parents is to make the non-parent responsible, which is grossly unfair.

Why don't you think the actual mum or dad are not being mean for not working 4 days a week to take care of their own child?

the obvious solution would be for both parents to pay for after school club in this case if it can’t work any other way.

I probably am projecting. Im cross at my parents. For allowing my step parents to treat me differently just because “I’m not their biological relative”. Much like most people on here, apparently it is ok to do that so my parents haven’t done anything wrong as such.

my life has never been as good/simple as my friends that have mum and dad together. Same with my husband, it’s just not as good as having a mum and dad that love each other and have a vested interest in their children.

yes my mum is supportive individually and yes my dad is ok. But they have new lives, new children and life was never quite the same.

how can you support your kid as well financially when you’ve split up and had to buy two crappy houses between you and your ex using all your money up? And when new people come in they say “I want to keep my finances separate, why should I pay for your kids”

is it ok that my stepdad frequently says he doesn’t want to mess his weekend up by my mum looking after my kids if I needed help…. Yet it’s ok for my step sister to frequently ask for help? because they are his proper grandkids.

is it ok that you get shoved between houses an hour apart and watch your mum and stepdad take your stepsister out for a cool day out. You can’t go because it’s dads turn for you that weekend?

it’s completely crap.

@Dreamer14

it’s just not as good as having a mum and dad that love each other and have a vested interest in their children.

this is NOT the same as parents being together.

it is baffling that you see a marriage as a sure fire going hand in hand with being amazing parents.

you have poor parents that let you down. They would have done that together or apart.

Im cross at my parents. For allowing my step parents to treat me differently just because “I’m not their biological relative”.

In this case though when the DSS was one he had his mother at home all day, every day with no school runs to interrupt their plans. If OP was at home every day then perhaps they would be unreasonable not to pick him up one day, however as it is it is fair, just unfortunate.

I’m sorry you weren’t looked after right.your own parents should have out you first always.and made sure you felt just as cared for,even if that meant working double time with the effort to do so.you shouldn’t have felt this unsafe in how much you were loved or prioritised.
and it’s good.it means you will have total empathy and be possible to make someone else never feel like this.

Exactly, you were replying to one poster. Saying “who’d be a step mum honestly” in reply to one poster IS melodramatic.

I don’t see why you should alter your plans on a permanent basis and commit to so much when it’s the ex wife who is the cause of it. The odd day maybe you might have helped but still no obligation, but this is every fucking week until god knows when. How is that fair?

Why should her life/choices/livelihood/schedule/career impact on you? If neither parents are available then their child needs to go to childcare. You have your own life to be getting on with.

Do 7 year olds require to be sent "messages" or do they generally already have a good idea who their Mum is and who she isn't?

Summary of some recent posts:

"my parents were shit therefore OPs son doesn't deserve his one day per week that his mother has chosen to devote to him"

Mother decides what suits her re. Work and care of her child = Fine
Father decides what suits him re. Work and care of his child = Fine
OP decides what suits her re. Work and care of her child = NOT FINE! Cruel! Wicked! Cold! How dare she!

Gies peace. 🙄

Only the crappy bits. The good bits are reserved for the parents.

Do 7 year olds require to be sent "messages" or do they generally already have a good idea who their Mum is and who she isn't?

I’m firmly on the OP’s side here, as are most people. But that’s an idiotic thing to say @yousee , don’t be disingenuous. Obviously a 7 year old knows who his mother is, that’s not what the poster is saying about being sent a message. The message is about being ‘wanted’ in the house and cared about by the step-parent.

I agree that message should be given. I disagree a stepmother has to take their stepchild to school to give that message.

No way would I be tied down to commiting to this. This is precisely what breakfast/after school clubs are for. Having the freedom to do and go where you like on a day off is invaluable.

I thought when you marry someone with kids you take on those kids as if they are your own…?

But the very fact that it’s the DSS’s mum potentially affecting OP’s life just shows how much he isn’t her child and nowhere near being the same as her child. OP should keep her boundaries firmly up.

A lot of posters are quick to blame the mother here. The OP said herself the mum asked the dad, and didn’t specifically ask for the OP to do it.

It’s absolutely fair the mum asked the dad. Especially as she’s offering maintenance.

It’s OK the dad asked the OP.

It’s completely unfair that the dad is saying the OP is unreasonable.

I wouldn’t say that my SC are nowhere near being the same as my DC, they’re not the same but they’re a lot closer to it than my nieces and nephews and other children. You don’t tend to live with other children or have them as part of your family unit.