To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

Like a lot of second wives you are now realising that you are your husband and ex's unpaid childcare back up, without the basic courtesy of a conversation.

This is absolutely not your issue and your husband is some CF to even suggest it.

Happy for YOU to take the sole financial hit for his child having precious one on one time with its mother but now thinks , whats another child in the mix for you.

Such profound disrespect of you and your relationship with YOUR child.

On the practicalities of it, its a complete PITA being on the clock.
Getting up when you don't need to, and always clock watching to be back for collection.

It will COMPLETELY change the day for you and your son.

Also, should you allow yourself to be bullied by your name calling husband (he called you MEAN!!! who does he think he is?) this will be setting a precedent for the future of you being their back up person.

Your stepson has two parents to work this out.

Your husband neither pays nor is inconvenienced by this.
Just you.
You need to refuse any involvement.

Maybe he will think twice about volunteering you for au pair duties for his Ex in future.

Those few years before your children get caught up in education are beyond precious.

You have one day to do this and have made the sacrifices to do it.

No way would I accept my husband commandeering something that has nothing to do with him, to volunteer my time.

I would be beyond pissed off at the disrespect.

If you were my daughter I would be encouraging you to stay firm.

This has nothing to do with your stepson, who sounds like a lovely child.
This is about precious time for your much longed for child.

Is having to get back by 3pm that much of hardship, not really and on the odd week that it is he has to go after school club - compromise

“I’m applying for a full time job - any chance you and your wife could pick up an extra day with DSS?”

That is what should have happened. The DH says no, or asks OP and then says no, so DSS’s mum then works out what she can afford to work for to afford another day in wraparound care.

I’m not sure what some posts are struggling to understand here? This is something hundreds of thousands of (mostly) women make decisions about when they have babies - how many threads do we see on here where the mum doesn’t go back to work after having a baby because it’s not financially worth it? (Personally I’d argue against it but that’s beside the point…).

@Peeeko is not unreasonable to say no. When it comes to arrangements for a child, it is their parents who are responsible, end of. Sure that sounds harsh - but the reality is, if you don’t take a hard stance now then people take advantage!

Why is this a bad thing?
Yes OP loves her son more. Yes he will be prioritised over step son.

When you've reduced your hours, your income and potentially your career progression so that you can have that day free to do with what you like YES it's a hardship. Why should OP be the one here making all the sacrifice? She's sacrificed financially, in her career and now you expect her sacrifice the time too? The whole reason she reduced her hours in the first place? What?!

That’s where you’re wrong.

You only take on the bits that their parents don’t want. Don’t bother getting too close or expect a say in anything because you’re not a parent - but absolutely expect to be leaned on to facilitate child free time for the parents because it suits them.

Tends to be only when money or time is concerned with these 'you take on step children as your own' types.

After school clubs often don't work like that. We have to sign up for a whole term.

Again Her child is more wanted to her. As is the child of every mother.

Of course it is. 3pm is the middle of the afternoon. Where I live it would mean setting off at 2:30 at the latest, why should OP’s one day off be chopped in half so that the ex can earn more money for herself? She was at home when her DC was this age; her day wasn’t constrained by picking up someone else’s child for zero thanks, just expectation.

Ha!! That would go down like a pint of sick with the vast majority of mothers and rightly so. My DSC have two parents. It would be incredibly disrespectful for me to muscle in as a third wheel.

And if what you're suggesting, as I suspect, that SM sucks it up to her detriment but gets none of the benefits, examine your own prejudice and entitlement.

Ordinarily, I would say treat the SC as your own but in this case... OP, I completely understand your need to spend one on one time with your child. I too, made that decision and never regretted it.

Believe me the pre-school days are precious.

Especially the pleasure of not time-watching and spontaneity involved with not having another child to watch out for. I did the same with my second child but always compromised because I had to do school pickups for my first. My son didn't know the difference and benefited with playing with his sibling but I did. It meant I couldn't do further out day trips when not many people were around. It meant I did toddler groups near the school where I would perhaps have tried mornings away. It meant that if the older child was sick we were all at home.

The other thing I note is your OH may not have clocked how precious your time is. He has two children to watch over/care for. He has the mentality of how best to look after both. But he should have listened and accepted your answer when you told him. Doesn't bode well he is calling you mean about your perfectly acceptable decision on how to spend your own time. Stand your ground.

Also OP, as your baby gets bigger you may meet other mothers with similar age children at toddler groups etc. That day will be your day to meet up and make lovely plans like park, picnics, soft ball, etc.
Creating wonderful memories.

Also if it was a friday, you could head off and visit family over night.

The sacrifice being asked of YOU is absolutely huge and whilst you will have the logistics of it to juggle EVERY WEEK, your husband who is not impacted will have long forgotten as will his mother.

It will be something that they sorted out and that YOU have sucked up.

Absolutely thankless and something you will bitterly regret as time goes on.

Hard to pull out of, once agreed to.

Billy1966 - excellent points. Potential nights away is taken away. Potential anything really.

Plus the foreseeable THANKLESSNESS of it. Your OH isn't being impacted is crucial to this.

The EX is an extremely CF if it happened like your OH said. I too suspect she may well have mentioned it to your OH and he hand waved it along getting kudos from ex, extra time with his son, looking like a great Dad to all and sundry without any effort (from him).

Again, stand your ground.

I don’t know. I just feel like the only person that misses out in this is the kid. Poor kid.

my husband also has divorced parents and step parents.

our experience has made us determined to stay together no matter what.

its just horrible. Your parents start behaving like single 20 year olds again whilst they try to find new partner. Often without kids themselves so your step parent doesn’t “get it”. They go on holidays alone. They might move to different parts of the country to start a new family.

finances are diluted. Houses get halved and downsized. You end up sharing with step siblings or not having a room at all.

you get passed around and treated Like an inconvenience. “Can you take her this weekend?” There’s arguments about money.

I couldn’t even have both my parents at my wedding as it was too awkward.

then grandkids come and because you’ve got step siblings their kids take priority and get More attention because it’s their “proper” Nan and grandad.

it’s hideous and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Of course YANBU, this should have been sorted between your DH and his ex before she accepted the job. She is not being unreasonable to expect her son’s dad to step up when she needs him to but it is not your problem, sounds like nothing changes for him but he expects you to do his parenting for him. Sod that.

Again, I'm sorry that was your experience but that is in no way comparable to this. At all.

Such a palaver for nothing. The kid has got working parents, ergo, the kid goes to after school club. It's what many, many kids do. It's a couple of hours of playing, it's not hard labour.

I just feel like the only person that misses out in this is the kid. Poor kid

Misses out on what though exactly? He's being asked to go to after school club not being sent down the mines.

The rest of your post has absolutely no relevance to the OP.

our experience has made us determined to stay together no matter what.

Good for you. The points of your post are completely irrelevant to the OP’s issue, though. It’s his DM and DF that are passing the child up.

Absolutely should be between your DH and his ex re child care. But also step parents need to be aware of what they’re taking on when settling down with someone who shares DCs with an ex. There’s going to be times when difficult decisions and conversations will need to had, and it’s all part and parcel of the step role. I think a lot of people get involved not giving the potential issues any consideration.

I couldn’t even have both my parents at my wedding as it was too awkward.

I sympathize with this as I was in a similar situation but that's entirely on your parents and nothing to do with step parents. Any child of divorced parents who aren't mature enough to put their children could find themselves in this situation whether or not they are remarried.

There’s only a ‘step role’ when it comes to childcare or helping with money.

There’s no room for any say or opinion on anything else.

Who defines the step role though?

It means nothing in general terms. You can't apply one rule or role for every family. It involves differing things for almost every single blended family I know.

There is no defined role you need to fulfill or step into when you become a step parent except the basics of being kind and respectful, not coming between parent and child. Anything beyond that is defined by the people involved imo.

OP do you think she applied for the job knowing that you were home that day?