To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

I meant love and kindness from the step parent. But actually scrap the love. Just kindness and respect

Do you have children?

The trouble is it does affect my life.

my biological dad moved away to be with his new wife and their son. They live together so obviously their relationship grew where as my one simmered down.

my stepdad is quite vocal and he’s doesn’t love family events. So my mum comes alone to a lot of our stuff. But of course when it comes to my half siblings he makes the effort.

my kids miss out too. Grandad lives far away. And nanny is often busy, spread thinly between others. My siblings and their kids just rock up to my mums house because it’s their mum and dad. I often get told I can’t go over “because footballs on” etc. they are often more welcome.

Financially too, they are better off. Sure my bio parents help me out if needed but their combined finances go on their combined children. I expect that will be the same when it comes to any will.

90% of replies say you aren’t being unreasonable! Have you shown your DH? What are you going to do, @Peeeko ?

It is really nice to read a thread from an OP who is good at setting boundaries

refreshing

it is not your problem to solve

ex was to cheeky to assume you’d be willing to do this. With small kids there are lots of holidays, inset days, sick days, etc

it’s up to your DP and his ex to sort. It’s a shame they both think it is your job. Bit cheeky of them

I think she should pay for one day before and after school club like most people do. You're completely fabricating her being destitute.

She was not a student when her child was a baby. Rtft.

I do have kids and to be honest I think as someone that has been sad about this situation for 35 years… I would treat any stepchildren very differently. Like they were my own flesh and blood. Because trust me, nobody likes to grow up feeling like this. “Someone else’s issue” “Leave it to DH to sort etc”

I was specifically replying to one poster. That's not melodramatic.

Could your DH go into work late that day and do drop off and his ex sort out pick up? Or vice versa.

I'm sorry that was your experience but that is not at all comparable to this situation is it? It's completely different.

I am all for step children being treat as equal but in this instance I am with you OP.

What if you changed your mind about your own working hours and decided to go back to working a full 5 days who would be responsible for the care of step son then?

Again though, why are you excusing the actual parents from doing anything? Why is it on the step parent?

It is your parents job.

@Discovereads how do you know she's destitute and skint and can't afford 5 hours of childcare a week, by the way?

Considering she offered to pay maintenance, which presumably would be more, I think you're talking shite.

Op YANBU. This isn't your problem to solve and I agree with a pp that they'd be grateful for a nanosecond and then they'd be whinging if you had a hospital appt or something and couldn't pick him up.

What are the childcare arrangements going to be for the other 4 days a week? Surely the parents just replicate those? It doesn't seem likely that it's this one day that's an issue?

Plus it sounds like options are there like the ASC - but your DSS doesn't like it? But that's life isn't it? Kids know that parents need to work to pay the bills.

Would you happen to know if your DSS mother has asked someone on her side of the family whether they could look after their nephew/grandson??? As neither your DH nor you (and I 100% understand your decision not to do this) are going to be able to do this, the next step would be for your DSS mother to ask someone else on her side of the family to step up, surely?

id be very careful about what message you are sending to the child.

I think you are being mean. You are off work anyway.

you are sending out a message that the kid that is yours is more wanted and more loved and less of an inconvenience.

I feel so sad for the step kid. I wish my parents were together still. One combined team that have my back instead of half cheerleaders that I had.

I think this is an ESH scenario. You're all treating this poor kid like an inconvenience. The ex shouldn't have agreed to take the job without checking the plan with your husband first, who should've checked with you, and then you should have come up with a solution together. Together. I think it's really sad that you see your step son as your husband's "problem" and not willing to be part of the solution. The kid is 7 and will be in school most of the day, you will still have his school hours to do with as you please with your baby, I don't think it's as massive an issue as you make it out to be. But equally after school clubs are a valid solution to this too if that would suit your family better.

Ultimately the biggest loser here is the stepson. Can you all just take a step back and think what would benefit the children the most? Not you, not your husband, not the ex, but the kids involved.

I agree with a PP. Your Dh probably told his ex it was fine. She took the job. Then DH thought to check with you.
Your DH needs to change his days so he can be working from home on that day. That's the price for having the extra time with his DC.

great opportunity for the boys to bond

I have no idea why a few PPs think the OP should take the financial (and possibly career progression) hit of going part time so that she can be there to look after her step son whilst his mother progresses her own career. In what world is that reasonable or appropriate.

You are off work anyway

She's off work because she took the financial hit of going part time to spend the day with her child. She reduced her working hours, took on the financial burden of that herself and very possibly the prospect of less career progression due to it, so she could have the time with her baby. She does not owe DSS's mother (or him for that matter) any part of this day simply because she's at home. There are consequences to her being at home that day which SHE is shouldering. She doesn't owe anyone anything because of it.

Great opportunity for the baby to bond with its mother which was the entire point of OPs reduced hours.

But this is on your parents, not your stepparents.

I think it’s very hard to for DC to think critically of their own DP’s, and it’s so much easier to transfer this to the SP’s, but it’s your own parents who should be making you feel secure and loved, primarily.

It’s too easy to blame the SP’s to pick up the slack because ‘poor, poor DSC’

threads like this just confirm the fact that my step parents probably do feel differently towards me (compared to my half siblings) and it’s not just in my mind

Well.. yes? Why is that surprising? Things like you not being as welcome in their home aren't right but yes I think it's pretty obvious that most step parents feel differently compared to their children.

And quite honestly it's so easy to say if I had step children I'd feel X Y or Z. You have no idea how you'd feel, it's ridiculous to suggest you do when you don't actually have any step children. The feeling I have for my step children is absolutely nothing compared to my DC. That's just how it is.

I thought when you marry someone with kids you take on those kids as if they are your own…?

Says who?