To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

If you do end up doing it “for the family” then make sure it is a family expense and that he pays you for at least half your day off!

If dh can’t facilitate this extra day, then the mum keeps him and sorts childcare.
It is more complicated now because it appears that the child knows the op could look after him - and won’t. I do feel sorry for him, but this is a situation of the parents own making.

Again, with your desperate need to over complicate this and make everyone responsible - except the ONE person who’s moved the goal-posts.

Really? I’m the one over complicating things when you’re the one saying
“it would have been a very simple matter for the bio Mum to reach and do a simple check ahead of time.” You think the process should be more complicated than it was.

I think the process was fine. That no extra check ahead of time is necessary, it’s pointless, and should just discuss any needs as and when you know what they are which if we keep things simple then the bio mum must have done exactly this.

But if we want to over complicate things, then we must go along with an all important extra check ahead of time to what? Discuss umpteen possibilities? Formulate plans A to Z? Isn’t that the very definition of over complicating things? Unless you are giving credence to the implications others have made that bio mum purposely withheld information (to what end?) or that bio mum engineered a conflict with OPs day off (why?).

And yes the goal posts were moved but out of necessity. The bio mum had no choice so that doesn’t make her responsible for moving them. The adult fact of life that you must work if you want to feed, house, and clothe yourself and your children moved the goal posts on everyone. Playing the blame game of that’s a you problem, not a me problem is just further complication. Skip the whos responsible because there was no free choice and get down to let’s solve the problem in a way that puts the children (all of them) first.

It doesn’t seem you have a great warmth for your DSS, or maybe that’s just because you’re angry about the assumption you will step in. Agree it’s not fair to expect you to do something that wasn’t discussed or agreed with you. As you don’t want to do it, they need to come up with another solution.

If your dh wanted to be a team he would have offered to proportionately input once you took a day off to spend with the child you have together. He didn’t so he doesn’t want to be a team, this request is just wanting you as support staff. Id say no. You won’t be home to collect and you need your sleep in the morning (it sounds like your dh is not in a team in terms of night waking either.)

The split in finances is odd for sure, the whole set up seems to be operating as individuals rather than a family.

Exactly. The most crazy thing is that your husband lets you take the financial hit of dropping a day and has the brass neck to ask you to save him and his ex money by being free childcare as well! Stick to your guns, it’s their issue, not yours.

It's tough by not helping op looks unreasonable but really it's unfair this is expected of her. I would say it's down to mum to arrange childcare if dad can't do it then he just needs to say no so mum can make other arrangements. If I were op I'd probably agree to mornings but not hols or after school.

If your DP is a high earner and his ex is starting starting a graduate role the default decision by both of them should have been to split the cost of wraparound care at the same provider ex is presumably using for the other days of the week, and then your DP pick DSS up from wraparound care when he is done work.

Surprised this wasn't their go to response anyway tbh. I would probably offer to cover sick days for DSS as this would be the exception rather than the rule and reality is different to principle, so I would personally want to offer something as this child is in your life 50% of the time. But it doesn't mean you should be expected to sacrifice your day off indefinitely.

@AbbieWhelan why do you keep harping on about ‘one day’ the op only has one day off work and it’s that day she is being asked to mind her DSS. So she won’t ever have a day off to just do what she wants with her DS. Which was the whole reason she dropped her hours. Honestly people here as so hard of comprehension. Its only ‘one day’ would only apply if she was home 5 days a week but she’s not.

stay firm @Peeeko they are both being ridiculous.

yanbu but you do have a family life to think of.

What about breakfast club with DH dropping off on way to office. Then booked into after school club and you pick up early 2 out if 4.

trial this and see the actual impact on your day.

I’d be honest with DH and say if the arrangements they want has been in the cards originally you’d hv stayed at 5 days. And if you trial it and it doesn’t work then you’ll go back to that - so the real decision he’s making is about you spending time with DC.

I find it hard to understand why afterschool club is not a solve. Many kids need to go because both parents work. Why can't they explain this to step son?

I definitely would not agree to this if I were you. May as well go back to work that day to further your own career. Also, once you agree and then you want to go back to work again, will this arrangement make it difficult for you to do that?

He will just have to to do before and after school club a lot of kids have to do this from a young age and it's only one day a week, then dad can take him and pick him up and in the holidays the parents can arrange either holiday club, grandparents or annual leave between them to cover it and if he is off sick either parent can take the day off

I agree with your decision. I did the same with my 3rd child and took 1 day off and that impacted my finances only. I wouldn’t have wanted to be restricted to school hours. It’s really annoying that you’re being made to feel guilty about this, and no doubt be made to feel guilty if you decide to have a day at home - your husband needs to understand your decision. He can always speak to his work, see if he can leave early to pick up his son, and carry on working when home. We allow staff to do that.

'I think that OP can say no, but imho it’s sending a message to a 7yr old step son, that he’s not “your son” and your convenience trumps his needs and that your bio son is vastly more important to you than he is'

I've just read this from a PP with my mouth agape. I'm a SM and have a DS too. Absolutely OP's son comes first to OP and is vastly more important to OP than DSS is. Have you got kids? Thats how parenting works. You create and birth a child, they come first.
Its a crying shame DSS's parents don't seem to think their son is as important.
That is not on OP.
DSC are NOT a step parents child, a fact every step parent hears when it suits.
I do help my DSC out as I see they need help-their mum is not great at putting them first-DH does. But I absolutely do not do it at the expense of my DC.
Happy to help with school runs but I'll be late as my DC play at the park after school and I'm not taking that from them.

step parents really cannot do right for doing wrong. Its a thankless job often only saved by the fact I love my DH so very much. You try to help, offer your thoughts on DSC? You're not their parent. You say fine and get on with your DC, until something happens with DSC you're expected to drop everything and care for/parent. Nope.
@Peeeko politely tell DH you cannot help this time. these precious first years with your son are irreplacable. I spent my mat leave helping DSC mum with care (also 50/50) until I said no, I need to spend time with my child.
Your child comes first to you. As DSC should to his parents.

He should be paying her for a full day's childcare!

Say no and stick to it. Don't do any favours because it them sets a precedent. Absolutely he should get maintenance if the child is at yours more than at his mums, I'm assuming your dh currently pays?

You took the pay hit to spend the day with your baby and having a school aged child to be responsible for means that you will limit the things to are able to do. His mum is irresponsible to take a new job before making adequate provisions for her child as the resident parent.

THIS 👆🏼

@Discovereads

I agree his bio mum and dad are the ones with the most responsibility, but I don’t think it is wrong of them to ask you, the step parent, to help out in this situation.

The DH asked, OP said no, so he needs to accept her decision.

Bear in mind that this is a man who has watched his wife drip her days at from 5 to 4 to take care of their child and he has not offered a single penny to recompense for it.

Now he not only wants to benefit financially from OP’s decision, he also wants the added benefit of OP being childcare for his step-son. The DH is being self-serving.

Both the DH and ex-wife made a choice to work the hours they do, just like OP made a choice. They can make a different choice that means they can with their son, just like OP did.

OP I think the only way this will work is if you switch your day off work.

Theyve set you up. If you agree to even school drop-offs, I guarantee that very soon after school club will somehow become permanently impossible and then the day will become childcare. And when he's sick and needs to come home from school, his mum and dad will be mysteriously uncontactable.

Really awful for them both to cook this up for you, so just unsubscribe by changing your work day off, without even telling your husband. Tell them, oops, I'm working that day now sorry. Your husband will eventually notice that you're home another day, oh well.

The father and OP knew she was graduating, knew she was going to be applying for jobs. This isn’t a surprise

I'm confused by this. Yes they knew she'd be applying for jobs but why would that automatically mean she needs to shift the contact schedule by an extra day? She only has her son 50% of the time as it is. Why is her getting a full time job a given that she'll need to have her child less than 50% of the time?

The dad manages to work full time and have his son 50% of the time? Surely the more realistic thing to expect would be that the mother would pay for wraparound care on the days she is now working just like plenty of full time working parents have to do rather than expect her ex to have her child more than she does to facilitate it?

Loads of parents manage to work (including this child's dad) and look after their children. Often that includes paid childcare of some sort. It's not a given at all that this mother should be reducing her time with her child because she now has a job like plenty of parents do.

These sort of threads always make me sad.

my parents are divorced (they did that when I was 5) and both remarried and had other kids.

I am nearly 40 and still often feel unwanted by my family. Like I don’t really have a have a family. I feel like I don’t really fit.

threads like this just confirm the fact that my step parents probably do feel differently towards me (compared to my half siblings) and it’s not just in my mind.

if one half of a couple doesn’t view me as a “real daughter” and the “problem of someone else” then does it has an impact.

I feel like I’ve really missed out by not having two parents committed to raising me together.

It’s a sad day imho when a working mother with the luxury of an established career bringing in ample income such that she can choose to only work 4 days a week won’t help another mother trying to establish a career and income for herself by watching their own school age step son for a few hours in the afternoon.

This other woman is not the responsibility of OP in any way. For all you know (and sounds likely) this woman didn't prioritise getting a career before having children like the OP did. Nothing wrong with that at all but that doesn't mean it's OPs responsibility to help her now because she made a different choice. She has every right to study and try and advance her career now but she chose to have children before doing so therefore she needs to factor those children in now like every other parent in the same position has to. Random women don't owe you anything because you made different choices.

Can you compromise?
Taking him in wont impact your day that much. As in you would be back
Home by 9am or the first ones at softplay/swimming etc.

I think being tied to a school pick up and watching the clock from 2 would limit your day and make it feel short. So i would really push against this.

threads like this just confirm the fact that my step parents probably do feel differently towards me (compared to my half siblings) and it’s not just in my mind

of course they feel differently. No other person will ever come close to the unconditional love I have for my children.

But as long as there is love and kindness and the unconditional love of your biological parent….