To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

If she's going to ask the child's father to take the child an extra day, then yes, she does need to keep him in the loop. If she's going to sort out her own childcare, then no, it's not anyone else's business.

Either way, it has nothing to do with the OP.

Yanbu. It's not up to you to take care of dj's dc. You've already taken time out so you have one day for you and dc. This is for dh and his ex to sort.

Thats the point of asking for help really. Yes the step son is primarily the responsibility of his father and mother, but there is nothing wrong with them asking other family members like the OP for help nor does it mean she should not help if she can. Before we ask charities or the state for help, we always ask family for help. It is also perfectly normal to rope in family that may not be blood relations. OP can of course refuse to help, that’s her right, but her reasons for doing so are problematic and will almost certainly cause issues in her relationships with her step son and her partner.

Sorry, but its a fucking given that an adult who is graduating with a degree is going to be applying for jobs, and hopefully a full time ones. It’s fucking obvious.

Are you OK?

Well, not sure how it works in your relationship, but when DH and I have gone for new jobs pr roles, we’ve had conversations about how it’s going to work practically, and whether we can cover childcare, or if not, what we can put in place.

In spite of you putting all these imaginary hurdles in place (quite amusing watching you get more and more worked up and panicky), it would have been a very simple matter for the bio Mum to reach and do a simple check ahead of time.

You know, instead of just assuming it would be OK with her (not her ex), and ploughing ahead.

I wouldn’t be doing this - pick up especially is very limiting to days out, which was the plan you had in mind.

But keen to know how your DH asked you, and what the next steps are with him? If he’s agreed to an extra day and night he really needs to sort arrangements if you don’t want to.

The step son should not have been told about any of this before arrangements were sorted - not fair on you to be made the bad guy in his eyes.

Sure, but asking for help does not mean someone is obliged to give it. There’s no problem with her asking, as long as she accepts ‘no’ for an answer. Op doesn’t need a ‘good’ reason to say no, she can say no for whatever reason she likes and be reasonable. Her time is hers, not subject to anyone else’s demands. As it is, she’s given up a portion of her wage in order to have a day a week of one-on-one time with her own child, not to provide childcare for her stepchild.

The problem isn’t being caused by her, it’s being caused by people who think she’s there to pick up their slack.

Except in @Discovereads’ world, it’s absolutely not OK for the OP to say ‘no’. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Once she knows she needs the extra day from the father, then she needs to discuss with him. It would be highly unusual for her to know this with any surety prior to applying for jobs through to accepting an entry level job offer.

This isn’t a case of a mum switching jobs in the same career where you usually go from one building to another with roughly the same work schedule. This is a case of a FT student graduating and getting her first ever job in a new career.

What if she’s a doctor? Or a police officer? Or a supply teacher? We have no idea and no right to assume she’s known all along she will be working a regular office job M-F from 9-5.

She’s starting a job.

Things are clearly going to change. And she’s going to need childcare!

She really didn’t need a crystal ball to know she was going to need childcare…..

Op doesn’t need a ‘good’ reason to say no, she can say no for whatever reason she likes and be reasonable.

I fundamentally disagree. Her partner is asking her for help on a problem he and his ex are trying to solve. He’s someone she has chosen to love, support and build a life with- a life that she knew would include his children. You cannot refuse to help your beloved partner for whatever reason she likes and it be reasonable. That’s not a true partnership imho. That’s not even flat mates. Sorry, but to refuse to help your partner without a good reason means the relationship is terminal.

Nor did the father or the OP. They all knew a change was probably coming. She and they just didn’t know what the gaps might be or help needed might be in childcare until now.

You don’t say?

Yes you can. It’s called having established boundaries. Not all problems are ‘we’ problems, some problems are ‘this one is on you’ problems. Having a partner does not mean you’re entitled to dump all your shit on them, and it doesn’t mean their time is yours to volunteer or allocate because you’re unwilling to put yourself out. Context matters. This is very much a him problem, because apparently he’s the one looking for childcare for his son. OP isn’t available. Perhaps she can give him a number for a child-minder.

OP didn’t need to know. Not her issue.

Doctors and police officer roles come with unsociable hours. She would need to be available to work any hour, Mon-Sun. Anyway, she knew she was applying for a full-time job, whereas she was only working part-time before. Do you really think it didn't occur to her that there was a possibility that her new full-time job might not work out the same as her part-time hours?

Glad you are amused, that’s a typical middle class reaction to the reality of single mothers struggling to cobble together childcare and start entry level in a career. You think it’s all “imaginary hurdles” because it’s not in your lived experience.

Again what simple check would bio mum do prior to “going for a new job or role”? Hey ex, I’m applying for jobs and have no idea what the hours or days will be, can we cover childcare? What is ex going to say? Er, dear ex don’t know if we can cover childcare, why not let me know when you have a job and know your days and schedule and then we will discuss? Hey childcare centre/childminder, I’m applying for jobs, but don’t know my days or hours do you have a space for my child? Er dont know, come back when you have a job and schedule and we will let you know then.

So if bio mum had done the above, she would be reasonable then? Surely the simplest explanation for why she did not pre-check with all and sundry before accepting the job is because she didn’t know if she would need help with childcare any earlier and asked as soon as she knew? Why create an elaborate narrative of a feckless mum who’d rather not be with her child, forgot about childcare and is last minute trying to fob her child off on the step mum because she’s a careerist and thinks step mum is her dogsbody…it’s too contrived.

Do you really think it didn't occur to her that there was a possibility that her new full-time job might not work out the same as her part-time hours?

No. Its, how shall I say this fucking obvious I don’t think that as I said the exact opposite. Fucking obvious to her, to the father and to the OP. No notification needed until specifics known.

Some interesting mental contortions going on here to find a way to make OP the bad guy.

But why would the father and OP have given it any thought? It has nothing to do with them. Why would they assume she wasn't planning to pay for childcare for her child on her day?

YANBU OP! I found it really frustrating not to have the same freedom on my days off work with DS2 and DD that I did with DS1 for days out because it’s confined by school hours. DS1 and I used to go on fun day-long adventures, DD is lucky if we make to the park!

Again, with your desperate need to over complicate this and make everyone responsible - except the ONE person who’s moved the goal-posts.

this

if she has her child for 4 days and dad 3 days

then takes on a 4 days job

surely she would have considered childcare may be needed

if nothing else for the holidays

what will happen then

You have arranged your working life to allow you time with your son, as has your DH with working from home.

DH's ex and DH need to arrange child care for DSS.

The options are:

School before and after school club.
Hire a nanny or child minder for 1 day a week.
DH changes his days.
Ex makes another arangement.
Dh makes another arangement.

If there are SAHP whose child(ren) is at school with DSS that might be a place to start. Lots of people would love a one day a week job that fits around school hours.

I would call it being an unsupportive partner. It’s self-destructive and relationship suicide in the long run to refuse to help your partner for whatever reason you like, even not good reasons, and think you’re the reasonable one. You do need a good reason to be reasonable. I understand & respect the arguments & opinions that the OPs reasons are good, more than I understand this argument of yours. It’s just so capricious and self-centred.

Why would they assume she wasn't planning to pay for childcare for her child on her day? This is random. Why are you asking me this? I didn’t say anything even remotely like this.