To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

Again insulting. Jeez…Irony?

I don't really understand why you're quoting my own posts back to me?

You've made your point, you've quoted some psychology, you don't agree with most people on the thread, you've called people cold, harsh and cruel. You've said I shouldn't be able to sleep at night and now you're quoting my own words back at me but completely out of context.

What's your aim here? Other than making yourself look a bit unhinged?

So basically.......you ok Hun?@Discovereads

YANU OP.

You said no. End of discussion really. This is up to them to sort out.

The child’s mother has chosen to work an extra day. The OP has chosen to work one less day. AND taken a financial hit for it. But somehow the bad guy in your scenario is not the person who chose to increase her days without sorting out childcare (read: the mother), but instead is the person who is being expected to pick up the slack without even being consulted (read: not the parent)……?

The OP is being consulted about it. She was asked if she could help out. She wasn’t expected to pick up the slack without being consulted. Any expectation is the expectation that she’d view the problem as a family problem and be willing to help out, rather than the not my child not my problem attitude.

And actually the bio mum didn’t choose to work an extra day, the OP quite clearly stated that prior to this the child’s mother was a student, who has just completed her degree and this job which requires work on the day in question is actually her first job in her career. She is now trying to sort out childcare that is affordable, she’s not the bad guy in this. The bio mum is also offering to pay maintenance in return for the extra help.

It’s a sad day imho when a working mother with the luxury of an established career bringing in ample income such that she can choose to only work 4 days a week won’t help another mother trying to establish a career and income for herself by watching their own school age step son for a few hours in the afternoon.

“It’s a sad day imho“

No, that’s been scheduled for Monday.

It's an even sadder day when his own bloody father doesn't help out.

It's equally as sad when his mum studies for a degree and only has her child half the week anyway and yet can't even pay for one days childcare tbh.

She literally has her child two or three school days. She shouldn't need to be asking another woman for help, who happens to have an established career which is frankly irrelevant. The op should not be subsidising this woman who, let's remind ourselves, spend time with her own young child because she did not work.

The absolute batshit reasoning to ensure that OP is the bad guy is absolutely laughable.

As if op should look after this woman's child because she has an established career.

Who'd be a step mum honestly.

@Discovereads maybe you can do the childminding that day then, seeing as you have as much obligation towards the child as the OP does, and you're so supportive of working mothers trying to establish careers for themselves.

YANBU

What has DH actually said to you? "Well you're off anyway so you can do it?"

What is his response when you explain your position?

What would happen if you were at work? I assume your husband would do it, that is what happens now to. If that doesn't work tough, you are busy

The limitations listed in that journal article quoted upthread includes:

“In addition to the implications of our study, there are a number of limitations. First, our sample was cross- sectional and is not generalizable to the U.S. popula-tion. These conditions prohibit us from making causal inferences or saying that these processes are likely to occur in the population-at-large…Clearly, there are many other constructs that can influence stepparenting and stepfamily functioning.”

So mum took up job without sorting childcare first? She’s very unreasonable just for this, for all she’s knew you could be going back to 5 days next month.
I don’t think you should agree to this OP, every week or every other week or even occasionally. Parents should plan how to deal with their children and in this case your DH and his ex are these parents. So they should drop hours/ increase hours/ fund childcare/ etc not you. And there are grandparents as well. You are far from the first in line for dealing with DSC.

The father does “help out” as he does all the school runs on the other days. OP hasn’t said he’s not parenting his own child the rest of the time.

Affordable childcare is in crisis right now, what do you suggest the bio mum do? Sign on for benefits? You know she can’t as the child is over the DWP age limit- the bio mum has to work this job. She can’t turn down a valid job offer if she’s on any benefits now, or she will lose them. So, why is it that asking for and offering to pay for help from her family (which includes OP), so she can get a job and support herself make her a bad person? And let’s not forget, OP did say that she thinks the bio mum asked the father and then the father decided to ask OP for help. So we don’t even know whether the bio mum has any clue that OP is being asked to help out too.

People shouldn’t need to ask food banks for food, but that’s reality babes. It’s the same situation for many in regards to asking for help with after school childcare. There is a cost of living crisis going on as it seems you aren’t even factoring that in at all.

Not shocked you also think being a FT student is not work and means loads of time at home with your child. Obviously you’ve never been a mother and a Uni student as that also isn’t the reality we live in.

I’d love to. Would if I could 100%.

*The OP is being consulted about it. She was asked if she could help out.^

After she accepted the job, @Discovereads

How hard is it to have an adult conversation before making decisions?

This entire situation not only could have been avoided by an adult conversation prior - but - the bio mother would almost certainly have generated enough goodwill from both the OP and her DH to have come to some sort of compromise, or solution that worked for them all.

Or, at least, not have created a situation causing a great deal of resentment in another household.

Are you in the habit of unilaterally deciding on things for yourself, that impact multiple people, without giving a shit whether it suits then?

Because it certainly reads that way.

I don’t think she’s wrong to ask her child’s dad if he could have him more to share the load I think that’s reasonable enough but she’s asking him not you so no it’s not your problem and maybe a good solution would be to suggest the two of them half the childcare bill for that one day and work together on it, sounds like they have good dynamics which is rare nowadays. None of this should fall on you , but I do think people who are saying she should have asked before she accepted the job is just ridiculous she’s an adult and should be free to make that decision alone , she’s asked the child’s dad which is great and if he can’t help maybe her next plan was one day in childcare she maybe didn’t just expect but was ruling her options out more so.

Yes, after she accepted the job offer, which she most probably could not afford to refuse or to delay acceptance. It’s not realistic when sent a job offer to write back, hang on I need to sort childcare and then I’ll let you know if I accept the job offer. DWP won’t allow you to keep your UC if you do that and then the job offer is withdrawn, which it most certainly would be if you did such a thing. This is assuming the job offer even specifies your actual schedule/shifts…many do not at that stage. The contract you get to sign and accept usually states #hrs per week and location(s). The specific shifts/days/hours are done during onboarding after acceptance.

You see very often you don’t even know what your schedule might be until after you’ve accepted a job.

So you’re making huge assumptions that the bio mum could have done this “adult conversation” before getting & accepting a job offer. A job offer for an entry level job too, and entry level jobs tend to be of the take it or leave it variety. Easily offered and quickly withdrawn if not immediately accepted.

She knew when she was applying for the job that it was X number of days, and this might be a possibility - come on.

The joys of the blended family……..

Bit silly to bring out the self-pitying melodrama on a thread where 90% of people voted YANBU out of 1732 votes. Huge majority on the side of the OP, the stepmother. Shows that most people do NOT automatically deem us stepmothers as unreasonable or as unpaid childcare. That's a good thing. Yep a minority including some stepmothers disagree, and that's fine. Doesn't make us downtrodden victims. Not unless that's how we chose to think of ourselves. Which I don't personally.

OP, YANBU.

Thats an assumption. Look at the job boards. Many are advertised as full time or in hrs, ie 30hrs/wk. Even if your assumption is correct and this job was advertised as 4 days/week instead of the usual #hrs/week, how would she know which 4 days?

And yes she knew it might be a possibility, but how does that work? Do you talk with your ex about the 50 jobs you’ve applied for and the 5 you’re interviewing for and go over how each one might possibly result in a need for as yet unknown extra help with childcare? Or a change to the co-parenting arrangement? That’s batshit. The normal response is to wait until you know you have a job, know what the schedule will be and then ask for help if it is needed.

Stop being so deeply disingenuous (I’m being kind and making another ‘assumption’ that you’re not actually a bit thick),

She’s applying for jobs. Some of them are full time.

This is the point that a normal person would loop in people that might be affected by any decisions she makes.

What should she do? Same as every other parent who finds themselves in the position of needing childcare, presumably. None of the problems she’s facing are OP’s to solve, and no, it’s not on OP to sacrifice time she’s specifically allocated, at financial cost to herself, to spend with her own child. If the father wants to help he can, but without roping OP in.

You keep trying to put it on OP, but regardless of how much you may want it to be, it’s not her responsibility.

So a normal person needs to ask their ex for permission to apply for jobs? I’m sure you’d agree that is a no.

If you’re not asking for permission, then what is the point really? You don’t even know if they will be affected. You don’t know if you’ll need to change child arrangements. What is there to discuss? Hey ex I’ve just graduated and I’m applying for jobs….. What can ex say? Er don’t accept any job that might change the status quo? Don’t work full time?

Sorry, but its a fucking given that an adult who is graduating with a degree is going to be applying for jobs, and hopefully a full time ones. It’s fucking obvious. No ex needs to be notified of this and looped in so they can pontificate on what sort of job they think you should be applying for so as to not affect the family schedules.

The father and OP knew she was graduating, knew she was going to be applying for jobs. This isn’t a surprise. It’s an inconvenience to the OP.