To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

@Catfordthefifth you recognised at 7 years old that it wasn’t your step parents job to parent you?? I would highly doubt that. You might see that now, and I wouldn’t disagree. But at 7, you really don’t see those nuances…but they can and do affect you into adulthood.

At 7 years old I would have been more upset that my mum would rather work.... Weirdly though nobody is saying how she obviously doesn't want her son around etc etc.

Just op getting flack for not doing childcare on mums time. Why is that?

I have ample experience. Its desperately sad that you think a blended family where the terms step child and step parent actually signify immediate family members that care for each other as if they were blood relations, want to be around each other and are committed to pulling together as a family team is “rose tinted” and “naive”.

The attitude that a step child is no child of yours and a step parent is no parent either is cold, harsh and cruel. Children of broken relationships are being treated and spoken of on this thread like the bastard children yesteryear. That’s not a good environment for children to grow up in.

Don’t be stupid, even a 7yr old knows that work is not a choice for adults just like school is not a choice for them. We have to work, they have to go to school. They know we’d all rather be home having fun together. Similarly they are clever enough to know that the OP isn’t rejecting them because she has to, but because she’d rather not contaminate her my real baby and me day.

You know it’s not the same, so stop pretending.

You presumably only have ample experience of your own family though. Not everyone is the same.

It is rose tinted and naive to assume that all blended families live happily ever after as if they were full blood relatives (and let's face it, that's often far from rosy isn't it!)

You're forgetting that step children often have a living parent who you're not in a relationship with. This parent OFTEN does not want you to take on a third parent role. If I had referred to myself as DSS mother, his actual mother would have happily ripped my head off. Equally, he never needed a second mother, a friendly adult who he could trust and turn to was absolutely fine. Neither of us are scarred. It's not cold, nor is it cruel. It's life. And if you don't like it, that's perfectly fine. You do you. But stop insulting other people's set ups because you personally don't like it. Frankly, it's none of your fucking business.

Ah well. Thoughts and prayers.

How utterly ridiculous.

So a 7 year old has the emotional intelligence to work out (wrongly) that his step parent doesn't want him around, but can't see that his mum would rather work and his dad can't be arsed either.

Righty ho.

Somehow I think this is utter step parent hating bullshit.

Anything to blame the wicked step mother aye.

@Catfordthefifth
But stop insulting other people's set ups because you personally don't like it. Frankly, it's none of your fucking business.

Youve got some bloody cheek saying that to me. This entire thread is full of you insulting any poster with a view similar to mine. I haven’t commented on any posts other than responses to me about my post to the OP. Unlike you, who has systematically insulted dozens of posters in this thread.

You interjected yourself into a response I wrote to @whumpthereitis - basically piling on so you could insult my response to @whumpthereitis as “rose tinted” and “ naive”.

In short, look in the mirror as you’re the person posting insult after insult.

Really? So saying cold and cruel isn't insulting? Strange. Seems an awful lot like it is. It's not insulting to say your view is rose tinted or naive. I'm glad it works for you, but it's not insulting to suggest it doesn't work for everyone else.

If you want to call someone else's set up cold and cruel, at least own it. Don't pretend it's not nasty, because it is.

It’s an open forum. You’d have a point about interjection if she’d slid into your DMs. She didn’t.

I’m not sure what you think you’re achieving by ranting at people who aren’t suddenly going to consider your opinions to be relevant to them. You’re mad at stepparents for this, that, or the other reason. Okay. And?

I didn’t say it to you, not sure why you felt the need to add me to your hit list of every post to the OP that you’ve taken offence to. And what you said, you said to directly to me, it wasn’t a general opinion like mine was. There is a difference. Insults are personal and direct to a person. Opinions are not insults.

By the way, my advice is in line with the findings of clinical psychologists who work with stepfamilies.

(Step)Parenting Attitudes and Expectations: Implications for Stepfamily Functioning and Clinical Intervention
“Our findings suggest that adults in complex families who place top priority on their own biological children, expect their stepchildren to be obedient to them, or believe that the children interfere with the romantic relationship report poorer stepfamily functioning. We frame these findings within a cognitive–behavioral perspective and the stepfamily cycle model.Because biological family primacy in stepfamilies negatively affects stepfamily functioning, it is important to strike a balance between sustaining previously formed family relationships and building new step-family relationships. If a stepparent holds the view that his or her own biological children should hold first priority, it appears that stepparenting becomes more difficult and romantic relationships suffer. Hyper-focusing on biological children in a complex family could draw criticism and disappointment from a new partner and his or her children because the new partner might have hoped for or expected greater connectivity among all members of the newly formed family.”
journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1606/1044-3894.2014.95.27

Excuse me? I haven’t ranted at anyone. You decided to rant about what I posted to the OP. I have made no comment on what you have posted to the OP or anyone else on this thread. So really, you should be asking yourself, what is your objective? Why do you feel the burning need to counter a bit of advice written to the OP that you happen to disagree with? You initiated this conversation with me. This is on you.

Oh the stories we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.

What is on me? 🥴

I haven’t ranted at all. You’re the one directing invective at OP because she isn’t performing exactly to your specifications. Guess what? She doesn’t have to, need to, and isn’t going to, no matter how much pointless and repeated haranguing you do. Get over it.

@Discovereads You're definitely ranting. 😂

Again, insulting.

Okay.
It says "strike a balance" and this is one.

Hth.

I wrote one post to the OP. That’s not haranguing. Get over the fact not everyone agrees with you and the OP.

Jeeeeeez. Irony?

How utterly ridiculous. Righty ho.

What are you talking about……….?

The child’s mother has chosen to work an extra day.

The OP has chosen to work one less day. AND taken a financial hit for it.

But somehow the bad guy in your scenario is not the person who chose to increase her days without sorting out childcare (read: the mother), but instead is the person who is being expected to pick up the slack without even being consulted (read: not the parent)……?

Logic taking a major hit here.

And I have no skin the game, am not a step-parent, and my DC don’t have one.

I am responsible for sorting out my own children’s childcare though - I don’t have any sort of non-related lackie in the shadows willing to martyr themselves for me, unfortunately. 😕

Is it ridiculous?

You really don't think it's insulting basically telling them whatever helps them sleep at night? Insinuating they shouldn't be able to sleep at night because whatever they're doing is wrong?
For someone who is an armchair psychologist your understanding of language seems very.... Limited.

even if sleep were an issue, I can’t say she’s doing much to sell the idea that her philosophy is one that promotes calm, restful sleep.

Ha! Very true!

I don’t need them to, and I’m not mortally offended if they don’t. Try it, you may find it agreeable.