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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about the situation with DH &living away

87 replies

Macbeth8 · 15/09/2022 12:02

I am feeling very anxious.
I have posted on here about my dh starting new career which required him to go on a 17 week training course.

Its been tough, but there is not long left now..in actual fact, it went by quicker than I had anticipated.

But now there is a new dilemma 🙄

For this job, dh has to live near the site. We had discussed relocating but its not ideal for me & the kids at all. I have a teen, Primary schooler and toddler. It would be really unfair to disrupt them.

So dh has been in touch on spareroom.com and will now be a lodger living with another guy (and maybe 2 more) paying £300 a month.

It is absurd! Paying out £300 a month when the cost of living is going up..he has been very bitter and mentioned selling the house as he said it would work out cheaper as the houses in that area are cheap so no mortgage etc.
Its really upset me as in other words he is saying we should split?!
Sell the house and move down there..well how can we when the mkds have their school here
We also both have all our family & friends hre and support network.

I am really worried that he just ends up doing it..I think hes realised contributing to 2 houses is going to be an issue.

Also him living away for 4-5 nights how would our marriage suffice? Has anyone got any experience of this?
I feel so upset for our kids mainly

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 15/09/2022 12:04

He must have known his new career would be like this OP ?

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2022 12:05

Why can’t the kids move schools?

Womencanlift · 15/09/2022 12:08

You both must have discussed this before he started surely if you discussed relocation? If this was going to be a deal breaker then you should have agreed as a couple what would be the options before he agreed to the job

Plenty of couples work separately during the week, some even longer, so if this is your new norm then you need to put some rules in place on how it will work eg he phones to speak to the kids every night, you have time together when he is home (no hobbies) and/or he lets you have time for hobbies when he is home

Only you can decide if you are happy with the set up

Quartz2208 · 15/09/2022 12:11

I remember I think your previous thread and I dont think your relationship is strong enough for you to upend your life

Octomore · 15/09/2022 12:11

Was none of this discussed before he took the job? Do you not discuss this stuff as a couple?

Also - if he is proposing selling the house, surely he's suggesting that you move with him, not that you split up? Kids can change school, you know. You need to actually talk to him about how this can practically work.

Octomore · 15/09/2022 12:12

And how have the two of you have only just realised that renting accommodation in another location was going to cost a fair bit of money?

Big decisions appear to have been taken without any consideration or discussion of the practicalities at all.

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 15/09/2022 12:15

It was discussed
He seemed to prefer to relocate but it wasnt feasible..I have a part time job here that is around school hours..his parents and mine do the childcare.

It would be very difficult me to have that same job elsewhere especially in the town he is moving to.
So that leaves it down to me having a career change but then who would be doing the childcare?!if I have no job wr would definitely struggle.

So it made more sense we stayed put.

However, my main fear is he uses this as an excuse to split up. And getaway with dad duties (if he relocates he could only have the kids on weekends he isnt working- he will be doing 4 on, 4 off)

I just wonder if many couples survive living like this?
I do find it odd he will be living like a single man during mostnof the week then coming home to a family for the rest of the week..
AIBU???

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2022 12:20

Sorry, I think you're being unreasonable. Sometimes the family needs to move due to work. Your husband has to support his family, and it makes financial sense to move near to where he works. A move is always challenging but I think it will be better for your family and your marriage.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2022 12:22

Like a op said above, it does seem as though you entered this new chapter of your lives with very little forethought. All of these issues should have been resolved before he took the job.

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 15/09/2022 12:22

I read that as he wants you to move as a family rather than splitting up

BigFatLiar · 15/09/2022 12:25

I spent the first few years of our marriage working away from home Mon-Fri, it wasn't easy but we managed. Even after the twins were born , dh just stepped up as dad and did most of the 'mum' work while I was away.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2022 12:27

You knew all this though when he first went for the job? There is no reason the kids can't move school. Yes the teen might find it difficult to start with, but would soon get used to it.

Are you more worried about all your families reaction to you moving?

DDivaStar · 15/09/2022 12:29

You really should have looked into this more before he took the job and started training.

Kids will adapt if you move, especially the younger 2.

To be honest it sounds like you are putting your family and friends before your husband. Do you want to be with your husband ? If his job opportunity was important I would make alot of compromises before resorting to living apart half the week.

PuttingDownRoots · 15/09/2022 12:29

DH does this as it was best overall for the family- we wanted the kids to have stable schooling. Fortunately he gets work accommodation so no cost there (plus a fuel allowance for two trips home a month).

It works through communication... he calls the kids regularly, he choses to do the drive at 4am to get an extra evening at home, and works through his lunch break so he can leave earlier to try to get home before bed time (4-5hr drive). He tries to make sure I get a rest at the weekend.

Its hard work and not perfect. You've gotvthe advantage of local family support, which will help.

Askinforabaskin · 15/09/2022 12:29

Is the job worth moving for cash wise? Will be bringing in seriously more money than he was before even taking the £300 into account. If not I’m struggling to see why he would have considered it anyway.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2022 12:30

It also seems to me as though too little thought went into it beforehand.

Or else he just wanted to split and this is his way of going about it.

I definitely wouldn’t upend your lives and move- isolating yourself - for him at this time as it very much seems as though he isn’t someone to pin all of your hopes on.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2022 12:31

Hoping the new job makes him at least £300 more or what was the point of it?

saraclara · 15/09/2022 12:34

I don't understand. Did you know he'd need to relocate for this job when he applied for it? And again, did you know that he'd be based at the site afterwards, before he started his training?

KrisAkabusi · 15/09/2022 12:37

I know lots of people that relocated for years. They houseshared during the week and home at weekend. It wasn't ideal, but nobody split up over it. Try to think a bit more positively.

BiddyPop · 15/09/2022 12:38

I managed for 4 and a half years of DH leaving late on Sunday morning of weekend 1 of a month, staying away for 2 weeks (so including weekend 2), getting home Saturday lunchtime on weekend 3, working FT here for 2 weeks (so we had all of weekend 4 as a family), before the cycle started again. He was half a globe away so longhaul travel but there was only 1-2 hours time difference involved (depending on time of year).

It was bloody hard work, and our marriage was under pressure at the time. (We also had an au pair living in for 3 of those years so I could manage the childcare needs of DD in primary school near the house but me working FT in city centre an hour away). But it had to be done (recession, only way to keep his job at the time), and we got on with it, many others dealt with far worse.

But on the positive side of that, we were both on board with the need to do it, talked about the difficulties in managing and worked together on ways around it, and did it as a team. I haven't read your earlier thread, but the vibe from this is that DH doesn't see himself on the team of the family.

Stopthebusplease · 15/09/2022 12:39

I also don't think that either of you thought this through properly before your DH accepted the job. However, I'm actually wondering whether it's him that wants to split or YOU, as you really don't seem very keen to support him, putting obstacles in the way at every turn. The kids schooling, other family members, your part time job, if you really love him, while these things are important, they are not the end of the world, and surely it's better for your children to change schools, rather than live without their Dad, whether it be on a part time basis because he lives away during his working week, or on a more permanent basis if you split. So my question is do YOU want to end the marriage?

user1471538283 · 15/09/2022 12:40

I don't understand how you both thought this was going to work? Of course he has to pay costs to live elsewhere. The £300 is just the rent so there maybe bills and certainly food on top of that.

If his new job is worth it maybe you should move and you can get another job. You would have to pay childcare for the youngest children but that's what lots of people have to do.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2022 12:43

Will he actually be working regular hours? You say 4 on 4 off, but in your previous threads you said it was a branch of the police he was joining. So there is likely to be occasions when he has to work unexpected hours, so won't be able to come home or even facetime when the dc are around. Is that going to cause issues?

LovelyChicken · 15/09/2022 12:46

I think I've read threads by you before. It sounds like DH has opted out if family life. Don't uproot you and your DC and lose your local support network. I'd leave him, get maintenance and leave him to be the part time father he wants to be

knittingaddict · 15/09/2022 12:51

The police training op?

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