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Original poster

Worried about the situation with DH &living away

87 replies

Macbeth8 · 15/09/2022 12:02

I am feeling very anxious.
I have posted on here about my dh starting new career which required him to go on a 17 week training course.

Its been tough, but there is not long left now..in actual fact, it went by quicker than I had anticipated.

But now there is a new dilemma 🙄

For this job, dh has to live near the site. We had discussed relocating but its not ideal for me & the kids at all. I have a teen, Primary schooler and toddler. It would be really unfair to disrupt them.

So dh has been in touch on spareroom.com and will now be a lodger living with another guy (and maybe 2 more) paying £300 a month.

It is absurd! Paying out £300 a month when the cost of living is going up..he has been very bitter and mentioned selling the house as he said it would work out cheaper as the houses in that area are cheap so no mortgage etc.
Its really upset me as in other words he is saying we should split?!
Sell the house and move down there..well how can we when the mkds have their school here
We also both have all our family & friends hre and support network.

I am really worried that he just ends up doing it..I think hes realised contributing to 2 houses is going to be an issue.

Also him living away for 4-5 nights how would our marriage suffice? Has anyone got any experience of this?
I feel so upset for our kids mainly

OP posts:
ChsmpagneWannaBe · 15/09/2022 12:54

Move.

Aprilx · 15/09/2022 12:55

I remember your previous threads but not the details of it. Like others, I just do not understand how you got to where you are, seems a complete lack of discussion and planning.

I don’t think that your marriage would survive a weekday separation, it is tough on any marriage but you two don’t seem to be on the same page to start with. I think if you want the marriage to work, you need to think about moving. People relocate for work all the time, if he is the main breadwinner and you only work part time, then his job has to take priority. But what a shame you didn’t do this before he spent 17 weeks training!

girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 12:57

knittingaddict · 15/09/2022 12:51

The police training op?

This isn't the husband who wants to be a professional gamer or whatever it is, is it?

Stayingstrongish · 15/09/2022 12:59

If he does live away I think you’re right to be worried, I had this with my ex for a few years while having a young family and I think it heavily contributed to the breakdown of our marriage

if you want to stay together I’d move down with him

£300 is actually pretty cheap for a house share so be prepared for that to increase

Crunchymum · 15/09/2022 13:01

Do yourself and your kids a favour and let this man piss off. You'll all be better off without him

I've read way too many of your threads about this selfish, useless waste of space. * This includes the thread you NC for and had deleted recently. Hope you get things sorted out as you don't need to be saddled to this man any more than you already are!!!

Stayingstrongish · 15/09/2022 13:02

Things I found hard about having a partner living away included - snatched conversations inbetween him walking home/going out and having fun; a lack of physical contact - face time not nearly the same; all the child care and house work falling on me, including a really ill child long term and no support with that

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 15/09/2022 13:03

Practically speaking it takes 5 1/2 months around here from accepting an offer to completion on house sales. So that ain’t going to work.

Crunchymum · 15/09/2022 13:04

knittingaddict · 15/09/2022 12:51

The police training op?

Yes this is the one who is training to be a firearms officer.

chocolateoranges33 · 15/09/2022 13:07

Are you the poster whose DH applied to be a police officer? If you are, I wouldn't move for him or his career. Your and your children's support system is where you are so I wouldn't move. If I was you I would be seriously questioning if he has used this 'work opportunity' as an accuse to be away from you and your children as he is hardly an involved father or husband. I honestly think this is the start of him splitting with you and your family and he is hardly likely to remain involved when he moves so far away.

If he is going to be joining the Police, it is a complete way of life, especially in the early years, and relationships often suffer and fail because it is all encompassing. Affairs between colleagues are common unfortunately.

I would think very carefully about moving away as if you do split up, you might be stuck there with no support system. Good luck.

Minimalme · 15/09/2022 13:09

It sounds like your dh signed up for a new career knowing a relocation was necessary. And that you have 'allowed' it know you will never relocate.

I suspect the relationship is over. You have both positioned yourselves so that finding a compromise is utterly impossible.

I feel very sorry for you because it sounds like the original situation suits you and your kids and your husband is a selfish wanker to forcibly put his own needs first Sad

SpacePotato · 15/09/2022 13:09

Baffled by all the people telling her to move when that means she would be stuck trying to find another job that fitted around the children with no family or friends for support when the marriage doesn't seem all that stable in the first place.

It's not just about the £300. It's also childcare costs.

No way in your position I'd be selling the family home.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2022 13:10

OP - everyone remembers your threads.

You are in denial about your awful husband.

He’s mean with money, drinks too much, is a misogynist and had had emotional affairs.

He used every excuse in the book not to come back to you on weekends and was rude and mean to you on a regular basis.

He refuses to use condoms and you can’t take contraception so you ended up pregnant unplanned.

It’s too much now OP. Let the scales fall.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 15/09/2022 13:12

You sound like you have been burying your head in the sand OP and that the problem would just disappear.

Other than that I can't for the life of me understand why 2 fully grown adults would get into this situation before accepting the job! Bonkers!

ymemanresu · 15/09/2022 13:14

Im sorry OP and i hope im wrong but i have a strong feeling of suspicion here. I was in a similar situation a long time ago. Turned out that the ex wanted to split with me. I also found out after that he was seeing someone else too. Was heartbroken at the time but so glad im not with him now. Good luck x

PeekAtYou · 15/09/2022 13:16

Your choices are
Move
or
Stay with pros and cons for each.

even if the teen is an awkward educational
point like y10 or y11, I wouldn't discount a move for educational reasons once the critical stage is over. Kids move school and adapt well all the time.

I haven't read your previous posts but I'm guessing that he's unilaterally decided to follow that career path? I have done the living apart during the week thing. Ex travelled overseas and had hotels paid for so there wasn't a financial cost to us but I know that yeh spouse left behind often resents becoming the default parent during the week and the travelling parent being tired at the weekend even though the flights were only 90 mins or so.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you and your h don't get along so you shouldn't move away from support and your job and risk being trapped in the new place and having to move the kids back.

I'm confused why the shock is now. Don't the police recruitment info make it clear where the training centres are where you have to live if you do the job? Did you not discuss moving etc when he was thinking about training ?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/09/2022 13:16

I'm sorry you're so worried but I genuinely don't understand what you thought was going to happen? You knew before he even applied there would be a 17 week training course away from home and he would then have to be stationed there. How did you both envisage that working then?

I also remember at least one of your other posts OP. Your head is in the sand about him. He treats you badly. This is the clean break you need.

mumonthehill · 15/09/2022 13:20

Well marriages do survive like this, mine did for many years with DH away during the week. However our living situation was a joint decision, one that we both had a voice in and one in which we both had to compromise. As with all major life decisions if one partner decides to go their own way with little communication or understanding of how it will affect the other then the relationship is in trouble. If you were both not on board with where his training would end up then he should not have started it.

Ponoka7 · 15/09/2022 13:21

I also think that this is the break that you need. You needed to split and having him live away will actually be easier. The free childcare is worth more than £300 a month. He isn't considering you or the children. I wouldn't put it past him to sell the house then declare that his plan isn't for you to join him. Stay were you are and see were this goes.

Bestcatmum · 15/09/2022 13:23

Quite frankly I think you are wrong to make him live so far away in a spare room. You are a married couple and therefore should live where he is working even if it is an upheaval for everyone presuming you don't have a fantastic career you would be giving up.
The children will get used to it, it won't kill them.
My mother moved all over the world to be with her husband, he worked for an international company. They just made a home wherever they were.
I went to barding school because it wasn't suitable for a child to go to Africa, Borneo and some of the places they went.
I would feel very upset if a husband of mine refused to move from our comfortable home and I had to live in a poxy bedsit all week with no family life. I'd be wondering if I wanted to carry on with the marriage.

Snoken · 15/09/2022 13:24

I don't think you should move at all. If it is how you suspect, that you might end up splitting up, you will be stuck in the new area with zero support for yourself or your children.

I think your DH has definitely put himself way above anyone else in your family, and he is now expecting you all to follow him. You need to do the same, and put yourself first. Stay put, accept as much help as you can get, and try and enjoy the days he spends at home. If he is miserable (I suspect he will claim to be too tired to do anything with family on his days off), just get on with your life and do what you and the kids wants to do.

Bestcatmum · 15/09/2022 13:25

If you decide to separate lookng at previous posts just now then you'll have to sell the family home and move anyway.

Booklover3 · 15/09/2022 13:26

Snoken · 15/09/2022 13:24

I don't think you should move at all. If it is how you suspect, that you might end up splitting up, you will be stuck in the new area with zero support for yourself or your children.

I think your DH has definitely put himself way above anyone else in your family, and he is now expecting you all to follow him. You need to do the same, and put yourself first. Stay put, accept as much help as you can get, and try and enjoy the days he spends at home. If he is miserable (I suspect he will claim to be too tired to do anything with family on his days off), just get on with your life and do what you and the kids wants to do.

This

Rewis · 15/09/2022 13:30

What was the discussion and agreement?
He said he wants to move. You said no and he did it anyway? Or you agreed that you'd live separately for x number of months?

MM50122 · 15/09/2022 13:38

I’m confused as what you think families in the military do that don’t live on base? My boyfriend is in the RAF, and lives on base Monday - Friday. I am currently on maternity leave with our 8 month old, I don’t see him as ‘single in the week’??? Odd thing to say. Our relationship has not suffered.

NotLactoseFree · 15/09/2022 13:40

Isn't this the man who took the job, and the 17 weeks training against your wishes and then announced he was too tired and had too much studying to do to come home so you were effectively a single parent and your parents had no father for weeks and weeks on end?

It's increasingly clear that this relationship isn't a priority for him and that neither are your children. I think it's time to cut our losses.