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AIBU?

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Original poster

Worried about the situation with DH &living away

87 replies

Macbeth8 · 15/09/2022 12:02

I am feeling very anxious.
I have posted on here about my dh starting new career which required him to go on a 17 week training course.

Its been tough, but there is not long left now..in actual fact, it went by quicker than I had anticipated.

But now there is a new dilemma 🙄

For this job, dh has to live near the site. We had discussed relocating but its not ideal for me & the kids at all. I have a teen, Primary schooler and toddler. It would be really unfair to disrupt them.

So dh has been in touch on spareroom.com and will now be a lodger living with another guy (and maybe 2 more) paying £300 a month.

It is absurd! Paying out £300 a month when the cost of living is going up..he has been very bitter and mentioned selling the house as he said it would work out cheaper as the houses in that area are cheap so no mortgage etc.
Its really upset me as in other words he is saying we should split?!
Sell the house and move down there..well how can we when the mkds have their school here
We also both have all our family & friends hre and support network.

I am really worried that he just ends up doing it..I think hes realised contributing to 2 houses is going to be an issue.

Also him living away for 4-5 nights how would our marriage suffice? Has anyone got any experience of this?
I feel so upset for our kids mainly

OP posts:
Goldbar · 15/09/2022 13:41

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

If he's not a supportive husband and father now, he's not going to become one out of gratitude when you give up your job and childcare, uproot your children and move with him.

Can you see him giving you anything....anything at all...that will make up for the loss to you and your DC of your home, familiar surroundings, present schools, friends and support network?

Or are you all going to rock up there and it will just continue to be as shit as it's always been, only in new surroundings with zero support?

1FootInTheRave · 15/09/2022 13:43

I remember your previous threads.

Imo, he checked out of this marriage weeks ago.

FlissyPaps · 15/09/2022 13:47

What do you want to happen OP? There’s only a few options really.

  • Him to stay living with you and the family then commute (I’m assuming) a very long way for this job.
  • Him to lodge close to work and come back home on his days off.
  • You all move closer to his job.
  • He quits the job and looks for something else closer to home.
  • You split, and looks for his own house near his base.

None of us can tell you both what to do. You’re clearly unhappy with the current situation so you’re going to have to communicate with him and come to a compromise.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/09/2022 14:17

Didn’t you discuss this before he accepted the job? I’d assume it would be a whole family move if one person accepted a job some distance away. Why did he apply for the job if he knew you weren’t ok about moving? It should be a family decision, surely?

I don’t understand why you can’t move your DC and yourself? There are plenty of schools, and many people don’t live near their parents for free childcare. But if the truth is that you just don’t want to move then I think there should have been a lot more discussion beforehand.

My ex worked away temporarily. He stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights every week, and had late/early mornings to minimise his time away from us. I wouldn’t have been happy if he’d basically moved out and rented a room, and I’d have been sorting out a move for all of us.

AlbertaAnnie · 15/09/2022 14:25

Surely this all should have been discussed and agreed before the started the new job?

Brefugee · 15/09/2022 14:27

if the only thing stopping you is the schools - move.
I get it's hard being away from family but what do you think the actual solution is here?
This must have come up in conversations about the course and the job (is this the police thing?)

TBH remembering your other threads you don't really like him much? and he doesn't appear to be that committed to family life, so you can move or cut your losses?

Tierne · 15/09/2022 14:27

I think you're being so unreasonable and am not surprised hes massively frustrated.
Hes embarking on a course that will improve your lot.
You only work part time.
His course is in a cheap area.

You know there are military and NGO families who move COUNTRIES every year, right?
You know there are people with no family who have to figure out childcare on their own?

You are sabotaging his plans and you arent helping find solutions, only bringing up problems. What are you saying to him, that basically you can never do anything, create any change whatsoever in your lives?

One alternative is for you to work full time to bring some more money in. If your family childcare is so valuable and irreplaceable they will step in while you work FT.

Overandunderit · 15/09/2022 14:30

This guy is consistently showing you that you and the kids are not a priority.

Pick the solution that protects you the best emotionally and financially without him

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 14:35

I don't think that move or stay is the issue here, there seems to be a complete lack of communcation to have got to this point and be so at odds with the next move for the family.

It's almost like he's doing his own thing, and you're just watching him. I'd be really reticent to move with three kids away from grandparents help, school and your work unless you're pretty much as sure as you can be that the relationship is solid. Which you don't seem to be.

Let him go and rent and set a time limit on this, and reassess say in a year. It will go quick. You'll either find that you need to be together and in which case the move will be easier, or you actually don't and you can carry on as you are. He may also be able to apply for a role closer to home. Good luck.

Herejustforthisone · 15/09/2022 14:47

Was this the partner who while away, viewed you on the house CCTV going to the gym and called you a slag? And who ignored you for days and days to punish you? And seemed to have a thing going with a woman on his training course? And who despite being abusive AF and using vile derogatory language to women, was training to be a firearms officer? Is it that guy?

If so, cut your losses and run. He’s repellant.

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 14:49

Herejustforthisone · 15/09/2022 14:47

Was this the partner who while away, viewed you on the house CCTV going to the gym and called you a slag? And who ignored you for days and days to punish you? And seemed to have a thing going with a woman on his training course? And who despite being abusive AF and using vile derogatory language to women, was training to be a firearms officer? Is it that guy?

If so, cut your losses and run. He’s repellant.

Tell me it's not this.

Clymene · 15/09/2022 14:52

You husband has already left you. I would start divorce proceedings now

countbackfromten · 15/09/2022 14:55

Many of us have read your previous posts about this man and know the backstory. He has opted out of family life and treated you and your children awfully. You can have a better future without him. He isn’t going to get better and worryingly with his views and his new role he is likely to get worse.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2022 15:20

Everyone who thinks OP is being unreasonable should read the prior threads.

Illuminating to say the least. The man is scum and he’ll soon be a police officer. Great.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2022 15:21

@GreenManalishi

It absolutely is.

Relocatiorelocation · 15/09/2022 15:21

Oh goodness is he to be a pretend policeman on a nuclear site? It'll end in divorce, pretty much always does.
Was he looking for a way out?

Tierne · 15/09/2022 15:31

OK now I know the story I retract my comment.

He has already done you a favour by moving out.

washingbasketqueen · 15/09/2022 16:35

No way would I move away from my support system, job and dc school. I'm surprised this didn't come up before though.

saraclara · 15/09/2022 16:40

Given what I've read from your other threads, no way would I move away from my friends, family and support system for him.

This sounds like the perfect opportunity for you to end the relationship.

vroom321 · 15/09/2022 16:42

I've had this life 16 years op. 😬😬

vroom321 · 15/09/2022 16:45

He lived with a guy and his gf stopped over. She was 15 years older than him with teens. She used to leave her underwear all over the house and DH said they used to have sex all the time. Conjoining walls. We stayed some weeks / weekends when they weren't there so I couldn't complain.

Crunchymum · 15/09/2022 17:02

Herejustforthisone · 15/09/2022 14:47

Was this the partner who while away, viewed you on the house CCTV going to the gym and called you a slag? And who ignored you for days and days to punish you? And seemed to have a thing going with a woman on his training course? And who despite being abusive AF and using vile derogatory language to women, was training to be a firearms officer? Is it that guy?

If so, cut your losses and run. He’s repellant.

Yep that's the man.

He is also an alcoholic (currently in remission so the OP says) and doesn't like to use condoms so the OP is dealing with her second unwanted pregnancy since January. This came out on a now deleted thread where she name changed.

She won't be told. I suggest we stop wasting our messages.

Poor kids. The eldest of which isn't this man's either (to be fair I can't recall the OP saying this man mistreats her eldest. That's about the only positive thing I can say about him from what does has posted)

unicormb · 15/09/2022 17:07

I can't think of any situation where if my DH needed to be somewhere for work, the family wouldn't go with him. His work is London-centric so as a family we always have to live commuter distance away, whereas our family all live in the north. We don't have grandparents or uncles and aunts nearby, but DH gets to take his kids to school most mornings, and even if he is in London, be there by the time they go to bed. That's what we felt was more important for our family - that Daddy be present.

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 15/09/2022 17:16

He didnt listen to anyone
Before he applied and whilst he was in the application process, we all tried to tell him it wasnt a good idea. Thats not just me, his parents, my parentsm my sister and brother in law.

No this new wage is on is a big reduction from his previous job..by changing his career to CNC hes losing at least 6 grand a year.

Very impulsive and too ambitious.
He has wanted to do this for a long time.

No idea what to do now..I dont think it will work in the long run

OP posts:
Original poster
Macbeth8 · 15/09/2022 17:18

Relocatiorelocation · 15/09/2022 15:21

Oh goodness is he to be a pretend policeman on a nuclear site? It'll end in divorce, pretty much always does.
Was he looking for a way out?

But they are real Policemen..that is what the 17 week intensive course is all about.
Do you have experience of this?

OP posts:
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