To wonder why both my kids hate my mum?

[Dittof]

Literally as soon as they see her approaching the house they run and hide. Her hearing is terrible and she speaks quite loudly. Admittedly she isn’t great with kids but she loves them very much and constantly offers to babysit. My daughter tells me she doesn’t like her (she wouldn’t dare tell her), my kids are 5 and 2. Has anybody been through this? How did you overcome it?

my mum is quite a practical person who would do anything for us, always asks if we need anything from the shops and always willing to help our with school runs etc.

However, she does not listen to a word anybody says, I’ve never been able to talk to her as I know she isn’t really listening and blurts out what she wants to talk about mid conversation, she will also not answer me and talk about something completely different. Maybe the kids pick up on that?

I suppose my question is, she I keep trying to let her have the kids or should I just accept that is the way it is?

That's rather sad. Their opinion of her probably reflects yours/other adults reactions to her at least a bit.

Is she kind & nurturing?

You've said she has terrible hearing, and then said more things about her that could be a result of terrible hearing. Can you suggest that she would be better able to enjoy the dc if she had hearing aids? That could solve a number of the issues affecting all relationships.

I think if you read your post back with fresh eyes you'll be able to see why they don't like her. Sounds like she probably just gets on more with adults and the kids might find it hard to relate to her. I wouldn't force the kids to interact other than being polite and I'm sure when they get older they will warm up to her. I was the same with my uncle as a kid.

I think the hearing issue has only been over the last few years, she has never listened anyway. She isn’t kind and nurturing, she is quite cold actually but always there to help with practical things.

That's sad, your poor mum. I think you just have to work on your kids acceptance and kindness skills. The not listening thing could be a result of her hearing issues.

She constantly asks to have them over night, I don’t know what to do?

Her not listening and blurting out whatever she wants mid-conversation could be to do with her hearing, but it's striking that you've said you e never been able to talk to her. I suspect your kids don't feel "seen" by her, and therefore don't feel comfortable or accepted

Kids don't care about practical help they like people that are loving, warm and/or fun

Say no. Obviously. They don’t like her, it sounds like they’re scared of her.

Their feelings, comfort and safety matter more than hers, and yours.

I used to hate hate m paternal grandma. Unsure why but I used to cry when she came round.

I’d not let her have the kids overnight as they do not appear to like her. But I’d try to have her around during the weekends to build a better relationship with her.

Some times people with autism do this. It’s not intentional, however two way dialogue can be far from smooth

If she can’t/won’t listen to them, how is she able to meet their needs when you leave them with her? If a child hurt themselves out of her line of sight or asks her for a drink would she notice and sort it out? If there was a fire and a child was trapped how would she know? Would she know if one of them opened the front door and wandered off? What has she set up to mitigate the fact she can’t hear them and doesn’t follow conversations? They probably feel unheard and unloved around her. She needs to sort out a hearing aid.

Would she bake with them? Find an activity that might bring them together more?

Tell her the kids aren't old enough yet, when they ask them set you'll think about it.

You know I’ve never actually thought that there could be something wrong. She comes across so rude sometimes, literally everybody that knows her says she doesn’t listen to a word they say and will just talk about what she wants to talk about.

I can probably count on one hand the amount of times she has been affectionate towards me in my life.

Kids are very self-centered too. They like a lot of attention.

So a self-centered adult will have little appeal to them.

My mum is kind of similar with my nephews, and though she does make an effort with them, all her efforts relate back to her or what she thinks a little boy ought to like - ideas firmly rooted in the late sixties.

I didn't particularly like my maternal grandmother. I wouldn't say I hated her but certainly wasn't fond of her and don't feel sentimental about her at all. She dies when I was about 10 so perhaps I would have grown to appreciate her more as I'd got older if she had lived longer. Who knows.

I'm not sure that either of my kids is especially fond of my Mum tbh. I appreciate and love her because I have learnt to understand her more through adult eyes than I did as a child. Some people are just naturally at ease with children which probably makes them easier to like.

Aside from anything else you teach your children that hiding from people is incredibly rude and whether they’re super fond of people or not you expect them to have manners?

I think you’ve answered your own question OP.

She’s not the sort of person kids will naturally appreciate, so just point out to the kids why she is a good thing, tell them not to be rude, and tell her to get some bloody hearing aids. If she could take them to activities they like that might help. Keep
your Expectations low.

Children that age are relying on their intuition a lot of the time. You are right to explore that.

As sad as it might be in this case, it is not wise to teach children to ignore their own feelings and to always be accepting & kind.

My children like people who take an interest in them, whether that is listening to them or playing with them. To be fair how can you have a relationship with someone who isn't interested in what you say? An adult is no different from a child really although very young children can be bought with presents

Spot on.
It’s completely obvious from the OP and follow ups why they don’t like her. She talks loudly (young children might feel they are being shouted at), she’s cold, she talks over you and doesn’t listen to you. You say yourself she isn’t good with lids. So why would they like her? As a PP said, kids aren’t interested about people doing practical things for them, they want people who are kind, warm and fun. She sounds the complete opposite of that.
When they’re older they’ll probably learn to get on with her.

Dworky, it doesn't sound as if OP's mum is any danger to the children. She may be lacking social skills, there may be a reason for that. Sometimes, children have to learn that they have to make a bit of an effort with people who love them, wouldn't dream of harming them, but aren't perhaps top of the kid's list to spend time with.