To wonder why both my kids hate my mum?

[Dittof]

Literally as soon as they see her approaching the house they run and hide. Her hearing is terrible and she speaks quite loudly. Admittedly she isn’t great with kids but she loves them very much and constantly offers to babysit. My daughter tells me she doesn’t like her (she wouldn’t dare tell her), my kids are 5 and 2. Has anybody been through this? How did you overcome it?

my mum is quite a practical person who would do anything for us, always asks if we need anything from the shops and always willing to help our with school runs etc.

However, she does not listen to a word anybody says, I’ve never been able to talk to her as I know she isn’t really listening and blurts out what she wants to talk about mid conversation, she will also not answer me and talk about something completely different. Maybe the kids pick up on that?

I suppose my question is, she I keep trying to let her have the kids or should I just accept that is the way it is?

*keeper of

This thought occurred to me too.

You write that "I can probably count on one hand the amount of times she has been affectionate towards me in my life." I imagine that has probably 'trained' you to try and please her. Given that "She isn’t kind and nurturing, she is quite cold actually" I am wondering why you believe that "she loves them very much". Serious question - why do you believe that she loves them? Is it because she "constantly offers to babysit"? Or is it because you can convince yourself that if she loves them despite her behaviour, then you can also cling to the belief she loves you despite her lack of affection? Sorry to be so blunt @Dittof, but it's kind of screaming at me off the screen.

"literally everybody that knows her says she doesn’t listen to a word they say and will just talk about what she wants to talk about" and she doesn't behave any differently towards them, does she? So yes, the kids pick up on that. And at their age, they express themselves without the filter of learned politeness - which is a good thing, they're telling you how they feel. And how they feel is that they don't like her and they don't want to be around her. Listen to them.

She constantly asks to have them over night, I don’t know what to do?
You say no. You can dress it up if you want - they're too young, maybe when they're older, blah blah blah - but it's a definite, categorical NO. Don't serve your children up to her in an attempt to please her / win her affection. You owe your daughters your protection, you don't owe your mother anything that overrides that.

Children like adults who listen to them, talk to them, play with them and have fun with them. It’s not surprising they don’t like her. I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, just tailor your time with her and the children to suit. Trips to the park (kids play and she talks at you) or she visits when the children are having their dinner (kids eat and she talks at you). Those things worked well for my gran visiting who sounds like your mum. Definitely no to the overnights.

Kids pick up on kind and nurturing'. They don't really get 'practical'. Surely you can work that out?

She isn’t kind and nurturing, she is quite cold actually

Gosh, I wonder why both my kids hate my mum, you ask!

Unfortunately cold, emotionally withdrawn people make children anxious. It's hard for children to like someone who they feel anxious around. Have you seen the 'still face' experiment in babies?

This is sad. My ds1 had just driven down to spend 2 days with my mum, prior to Uni. Not fine that before.They've cooked plum pie. Made my heart melt.

I'm not sure the way round it. Could you talk to them.

Say 'yes yes I know Nana can be a bit wierd and strange, funny strange sometimes. Plus she had very bad hearing. Ha ha. But she loves you so much. A lot. How do you feel about her? I couldn't bare it if you were frightened of her( sow the seed of thought) . Maybe we could all go for a walk / picnic/ seaside together. What do you think?

Then arrange a short outing together eg where she goes for a walk with you so you are in control. Then a longer activity then a longer activity. Rather than giving her the children overnight you start with an activity where you're there and you are in control.

Could that help?

This.

You say she is cold and unaffectionate. Why does your mother want them over night if it isn't for cuddles and to have fun?

I had an aunt like that. She just wanted someone to boss around and force to behave as she thought appropriate. I hated spending time with her as a child and refused to visit her as soon as I was able.

Listen to your children. Say no.

My kids run upstairs everytime my fil visits. I asked why, they said it because they find him rude. He shouts instead of talks, and doesn't listen to what they say, ever! He will literally talk over them. I cannot make them stay downstairs. I just accept it, they don't like him.

My sister's kids don't really like our mom. They're both a bit afraid of her. She can be snappy, raise her voice, not very affectionate, impatient, etc.

My sister originally just kind of forced the kids on her / her on the kids, because she wanted a break. i.e. She didn't really listen to her kids' preferences or feelings. This just made it worse really - the kids resented having to go there.

Eventually she listened to the kids and was actually honest with our mom about some of the issues. Our mom didn't really take it on board. So she sees the kids superficially - hello and hugs at Christmas, etc., but no close regular relationship.

Have you asked your kids why they don't like her? I feel like it's a good thing to encourage them to be open with you and not grow up feeling like they have to hide/swallow/squash their true thoughts and feelings?

As for your mom, I think you have two choices really. You either make an excuse - say that they're a handful and maybe later down the line she can have them. Or say you don't like to be without them. Whatever works. The alternative is you find out why they don't like her and actually find a way to communicate that to her gently over time. Not as in "the kids don't like you", but something like, "Why don't you spend a bit of time with them playing and finding out about them, and then we can see about overnights later down the line?"

At the end of the day, kids tend to like people who are fun to be around, make them feel safe and happy and listened to, etc. So them saying they don't like her probably just means that they don't like how they feel around her. They don't feel comfortable, etc.

My DC prefer PIL to my DP. PIL are interested, engaged, send them bits and bobs in the post, will take them for a few days in the school holidays. My DP aren’t really interested, send birthdays gifts but rarely visit and it shows. I’ve told DM before that you reap what you sow! Conversely, I’m the opposite, always welcome DC here, friends, nephews and nieces and have created a warm and loving home. Children like me! They don’t like outmoded adults who think they should be robots who are seen and not heard, despite what my DM thinks!

My mum is a bit like this, loves them but can't seem to find the need to relate to /talk/forge a relationship with my kids.

She has looked after them when they were under 8 but I think she met basic needs and that was it. Talks to them for about 5 minutes and then puts on the TV instead of spending an hour or so drawing/colouring in or just looking at something or chatting with them about something. I don't expect her to spend every minute focused on them but a bit of time a couple of times during the day would help.

It's so frustrating but that was how it was like growing up. Not awful but we could have had such a better relationship.

Definitely explore potential autism.

My DC's have felt this with GPs and now I realise they are both autistic.

I can now explain that to DC's.

I think it's important for DC's to learn how to tolerate different people. Not everyone they meet in life will be easy to get on with. This is a valuable life skill. You should model tolerance to them. Especially so if it is a disability. Otherwise it's just teaching them it's ok to discriminate.

Please take your cue from your kids.

I didn't like my grandmother, and tbh I think the feeling was mutual. She never said anything remotely kind or gentle to me and actually said things that were quite damaging to a young girl. My parents seemed to totally ignore this, never pulled her up on it and I was left totally bewildered and thinking I was in the wrong.

She too was practical and would feed us, make us things etc but it wasn't what I needed from her. My other grandmother was less practical (she was a lot older) but was gentle and sweet and never left us in doubt of how proud she was of us.

Why on earth would you want your children to stay the night with someone you describe as ‘cold’? Mum or no mum? Why would you do that them?

Ive just had a lightbulb moment as to why I hated visiting a great aunt and uncle. She was lovely but I was terrified of him - partly because he spoke so loudly (I think he must have had hearing issues) and partly because he was 6’ 3” so a terrifying giant to a young child.

Absolutely all this

I agree with this. I would be telling my children not to be so silly if they did this, particularly the 5 year old as I assume the 2 year old is just following along. My children drew the short straw where grandparents are concerned (much worse than being a bit loud and unaffectionate), but they never behaved like this.

As for the person who said that children don't care about practical stuff. I would say that I am the practical grandparent in the family - the person who feeds them and has a snack or plaster when they need one. I'm not very touchy feely at all, although I am always the one to listen when they have something to say. My grandchildren definitely love me and I them. Not everyone is the stereotypical grandmother.

I don't think they need to be staying overnight with her but she is their granny....they need to find a way to have a relationship. If she talks too loudly, maybe she could do outdoor things where it won't be so noticable or take them to theatre, cinema, swimming etc. where no talking is needed. They will find their level as it sounds like her intent is good and inevitably and 2 and 5, they also have the best intentions

You have said:

She is cold
She is not affectionate
She does not listen, just speaks at people
She speaks very loudly (that sounds like aggression)
She is does not do fun things with them

And you wonder why they don't like her and run away? You have had a life time to get used to her, and they have not, and they don't like her and that is fine.

Trust your children - minimise interaction with her unless you are around. Definitely say not to the sleepovers, mine have never done that. It is okay to say you will consider it again when they are much older.

Your children do not feel safe with her, because she doesn't listen to them

The relationship may improve as dc grow older and get used to her funny ways and are not so dependent on her for safety. I would accept things as they are now, and respect your children's wishes.

I didn't like my maternal grandmother much when I was very small. She wasn't fun. As I got older I appreciated her other qualities and in my teens I loved her dearly. My kids are the same with their paternal grandfather who is quite boomy and scary. They didn't like him at all as littleuns but now they think he's great (and have learned how to deal with brusque men as well).

I'm not saying have them stay over (as pp said just say they get homesick) but I would just continue regular contact and the relationship will grow one way or another. Unless she is actively harming any of you it is good to learn how to make relationships with tricky people and knowing about your background is important.

'I don't know what to do?'
Oh come on, of course you do. There's no need for anyone's kids to stay at anyone's house simply to indulge an adults weird wants.

You advocate for your kids. That's what you signed up for. Listen to them. Don't make them spend time with people they don't like, with people who aren't interested in them, with cold people. This is obvious.

But you listen, and you are meeting their needs in quite a direct and explicit way (sorting a hungry child a snack or a hurt child a plaster is quite different, and much more involved, than picking up some shopping on the way, which a child that young won't even register). I think that shows emotional availability and safety, in a way OP's description of her mother doesn't at all.

I don't like all this talk of small children being trained out of expressing - to their mother! - their discomfort on the grounds of manners. They're 5 and 2 and people are suggesting they be held to a higher standard of politeness than their grandmother is managing.

To all those saying that OP should tell the children they're being silly, they're being rude, that they have to learn that they have to make a bit of an effort with people, they should be taught to be kind and accepting:

THINK IT THROUGH - what would this actually teach a 2 year old and a 5 year old??

It would teach them that they are to ignore their own feelings about an adult, that what the adult wants is more important than how they feel about the adult, that they have no choice about not being around someone that they don't want to be around. Oh, and that adults are allowed to be rude to them (shouting at them, talking over them, not listening to them).

And it doesn't just teach them that that's how they are expected to behave towards one specific adult - it teaches them that that's how they are expected to behave towards ALL adults.

Do you really want children to regard ALL adults in this way?As @dworky said, "As sad as it might be in this case, it is not wise to teach children to ignore their own feelings and to always be accepting & kind."

This is not to say that @Dittof's mum represents any sort of danger to her children. But it is to say that you don't want to make your children vulnerable to other adults by teaching them that adult wants outrank children's feelings. All adult wants outrank their feelings about that adult. Are you seeing the problem yet?

My middle child took an instant dislike to my dad when she was little. He is an amazing dad and papa but when he'd get her from nursery she'd be like oh no NOT PAPA to the ladies who worked there. Luckily they all knew him from all his older grandchildren and knew it was just her. He actually does have quite a loud stern sounding voice (just the way it comes across) so could be the voice. She is fine now with him. I'm sure your children will be too in time.