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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why both my kids hate my mum?

77 replies

Dittof · 14/09/2022 21:24

Literally as soon as they see her approaching the house they run and hide. Her hearing is terrible and she speaks quite loudly. Admittedly she isn’t great with kids but she loves them very much and constantly offers to babysit. My daughter tells me she doesn’t like her (she wouldn’t dare tell her), my kids are 5 and 2. Has anybody been through this? How did you overcome it?

my mum is quite a practical person who would do anything for us, always asks if we need anything from the shops and always willing to help our with school runs etc.

However, she does not listen to a word anybody says, I’ve never been able to talk to her as I know she isn’t really listening and blurts out what she wants to talk about mid conversation, she will also not answer me and talk about something completely different. Maybe the kids pick up on that?

I suppose my question is, she I keep trying to let her have the kids or should I just accept that is the way it is?

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 14/09/2022 22:16

She does sound scary from a child's P.O.V. My 10 yo is scared of the teachers that talk loudly. She feels like they must be angry and shouting all the time so she doesn't feel safe.

Justkidding55 · 14/09/2022 22:16

your children won’t get the chance to like her if they don’t have to spend proper time with her. If she was horrible to them or mean then fair enough but it doesn’t sound like it in this case

billybassie · 14/09/2022 22:19
  • never listened
  • isn’t kind and nurturing
  • she is quite cold
  • speaks loudly/shouts
  • doesn't want to hear what anyone has to say

That's a good few reasons. Kids aren't daft. I was always encouraged to hug/kiss/be affectionate with my Gran. She was cold and mean, didn't particularly like children. Is was as if my family thought it was my job as a child to bring out something jolly and loving in her. I didn't like her, she scared me as a child.

Children shouldn't be forced to love relatives that aren't very nice to them.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 14/09/2022 22:19

Just say oh God no sorry they're a nightmare at night, I wouldn't put you through it. Maybe when they're in secondary school…

billybassie · 14/09/2022 22:20

Bunnyannesummers · 14/09/2022 21:42

Aside from anything else you teach your children that hiding from people is incredibly rude and whether they’re super fond of people or not you expect them to have manners?

🥴

sofap · 14/09/2022 22:22

I apparently hated my mums best friend when I was younger.

I would hide when she came round and refused to talk to her at all. For no reason at all. Eventually grew out of it.

I don't have an answer for you but just a similar situation that did end up getting resolved, but I was probably about 10 when I stopped hiding.

billybassie · 14/09/2022 22:23

Rapidtango · 14/09/2022 22:14

Dworky, it doesn't sound as if OP's mum is any danger to the children. She may be lacking social skills, there may be a reason for that. Sometimes, children have to learn that they have to make a bit of an effort with people who love them, wouldn't dream of harming them, but aren't perhaps top of the kid's list to spend time with.

No. These children are 2 and 5. They're not responsible for the feelings of an adult.

I'm autistic. Even is special needs are the underlying issue for why an adult doesn't act conventionally as expected that still doesn't mean that small children should be expected to spend time with them (overnight away from their parent) that they wouldn't enjoy.

Bim2021 · 14/09/2022 22:24

I have a very similar situation with my MIL, bad hearing issues but refuses to wear her hearing aids.
My DD will keep trying to tell her something but on the 4th or more time of being misunderstood or ignored just gives up.
It has definitely affected their relationship.

NewtoHolland · 14/09/2022 22:29

FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2022 22:11

Spot on.
It’s completely obvious from the OP and follow ups why they don’t like her. She talks loudly (young children might feel they are being shouted at), she’s cold, she talks over you and doesn’t listen to you. You say yourself she isn’t good with lids. So why would they like her? As a PP said, kids aren’t interested about people doing practical things for them, they want people who are kind, warm and fun. She sounds the complete opposite of that.
When they’re older they’ll probably learn to get on with her.

Show quote history

This,
Don't leave them with her when they don't feel safe with her :(

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/09/2022 22:36

Dittof · 14/09/2022 21:31

She constantly asks to have them over night, I don’t know what to do?

"oh that's a lovely offer mum but the kids get really homesick, they never enjoy being out of the house overnight, why don't you come for tea and sandwiches this Saturday though"

FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2022 22:37

billybassie · 14/09/2022 22:19

  • never listened
  • isn’t kind and nurturing
  • she is quite cold
  • speaks loudly/shouts
  • doesn't want to hear what anyone has to say

That's a good few reasons. Kids aren't daft. I was always encouraged to hug/kiss/be affectionate with my Gran. She was cold and mean, didn't particularly like children. Is was as if my family thought it was my job as a child to bring out something jolly and loving in her. I didn't like her, she scared me as a child.

Children shouldn't be forced to love relatives that aren't very nice to them.

Completely agree @billybassie . Becoming a grandmother doesn’t make someone into a warm, attentive person. Not all grannies are good with children and not all children like or love their grannies. Children absolutely shouldn’t be forced into pretending, or to spend time with someone they don’t like and might even be afraid of.

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 14/09/2022 22:38

Please don’t make them stay overnight with her if they don’t want to. They are far too young to go through that. I used to dread being sent to stay with my grandparents and the home sickness I felt was off the scale. Even as an adult I still
have separation anxiety issues that I believe link back to that time. I remember trying to tell my mother how I felt but her response was, don’t be silly, you’ll be fine. I wasn’t.

It sounds as if your mother is aware she hasn’t managed to build a relationship with your DCs and hopes an overnight stay will mend that. It’s more likely to make things worse.

HardLanding · 14/09/2022 22:40

I didn’t like my maternal Grandmother as a child, and I like her even less as an adult.

As a child, I was called “obnoxious” whenever she saw me reading a book. “Showing off how smart she is, women aren’t supposed to be smart, she’ll never get a husband”. (For reference, I was reading The Famous Five, not The Iliad in the original Ancient Greek!)

My strongest memory of her as a child is her tone of voice and the look on her face when she would comment “what a shame it is that she has black hair” ?! (My younger siblings are all very blonde, our father is blonde, our mother - her daughter is who I get my dark hair from!) According to my Dad, it was every time she saw me, until I was 5. At which point he heard her say it (shift worker, avoided her at all costs) and told her to shut her mouth or leave. Apparently she never said it again, but it’s my enduring memory of her as a child.

I hated visiting them and it became unbearable after my Grandad died when I was 12 (he was 54…)

By the time my much younger siblings were teens, they couldn’t stand her either.

My Dad said I would cry whenever she held me as baby, and as a toddler, I’d hide behind the sofa whenever I heard her voice as she entered the house. I’d do that now as an adult, fortunately she doesn’t have my address so there’s zero chance.

My Mum thinks her Mum is a saint, and I think she’s a miserable arsehole.

Threeboysandadog · 14/09/2022 22:44

My sister and I used to hide from our aunt. She was quite deaf and spoke very loudly. We didn’t see her often and were really frightened of her. Our mother was quietly spoken and I can honestly say I never heard her raise her voice so it was likely we just weren’t used to it. She was, otherwise, a very nice person.

HardLanding · 14/09/2022 22:46

To add - I also had three Great Grandmothers and one Great Grandfather who I adored and was always happy to see, along with my Dads parents.

It was just her. “The vibe is off”, as my teen would say.

Her voice makes me feel like someone’s just tipped a bucket of ice water all over me.

adriftabroad · 14/09/2022 22:54

I have a horrible, narcissitic mother. We have been NC for at least 20 years.
She has never met DD. Or cares.

DSis has a 4 year old. He absolutely hates her.

Listen to your DCs.

Vitamm · 14/09/2022 22:56

To be honest I don't understand why YOU care so much about pleasing your mum? It sounds like she wasn't all that nice to you growing up, or lately ...? [Flowers]

Vitamm · 14/09/2022 22:57
Flowers
dworky · 14/09/2022 23:06

Rapidtango · 14/09/2022 22:14

Dworky, it doesn't sound as if OP's mum is any danger to the children. She may be lacking social skills, there may be a reason for that. Sometimes, children have to learn that they have to make a bit of an effort with people who love them, wouldn't dream of harming them, but aren't perhaps top of the kid's list to spend time with.

I didn't say or imply she was.

I responded to the "I teach my children to be kind & accepting despite their feelngs". This is one of the reasons, when children get abused, they say nothing & feel ashamed, often for their childhood, sometimes their entire life.

LAWinterofOurDiscountTents · 14/09/2022 23:06

Is she kind & nurturing?

Honestly, what a question! How can anyone be kind or nurturing if they never listen to a word anyone says?

And no, little kids do NOT ever have to ignore their own feelings and be nice to an adult they do not feel comfortable with.

Stickworm · 14/09/2022 23:09

My kids are like this with my father in law, the kindest loveliest man on the planet! And they’re the same ages too. They don’t want him cuddling them (we never force them to cuddle anyone but they offer hugs and kisses to my mother in law who is also lovely) and just generally don’t talk to him/play with him. It’s really sad! And I can’t think of a reason, so I’m hoping they just grow out of it. Their cousins who are 3 both adore him.

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/09/2022 23:47

Op, you have just described my MIL. A very practical and competent woman, but with zero warmth - and absolutely no interest in her GCs.
She lives a 5hr drive from us, so visits have always involved a stay of four or five days - which is about my limit.
MIL and I have absolutely nothing in common, but I would describe our relationship as civil/cordial. We tolerate each other for the basic good of the family I suppose.
She would ask the DCs things like 'and how's school?' - and, as they began to answer, she would turn to DH and tell him an anecdote about Aunt Margaret. It all felt so clumsy and detached.

Now my DCs are 15 and 13, MIL has decided that teenagers these days are too attached to their phones, so she switches the WiFi off ahead of our arrival.
DS(15) isn't really bothered with his phone, and is pretty good at making conversation with her. DD(13) admittedly, loves her phone, and wants to stay in touch with her friends while we're there.
MIL won't compromise. I've explained to her that DD isn't allowed her phone at the table, and is expected to participate in family life away from her phone - but that, in our house, she's fine to go on her phone during 'down time'.

The upshot is that the DCs no longer want to go. In their view, Granny shows no interest in them, and switches the WiFi off so they can't do anything they enjoy.

It's difficult. I would have liked my DCs to have a strong relationship with their Granny, but it just isn't there.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2022 23:57

My maternal grandmother definitely was not maternal. I didn’t really know her despite seeing her regularly. I had to be interested in what she was interested in, play adult games and so forth. Not possible as a tot. I was supposed to be interested though as up until recently it wasn’t unusual to have life focused around the adults and ignoring the children.

As for the offer of overnights maybe just say it’s kind and you will let her know when the dcs are ready.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2022 23:57

*ignoring the children at gatherings I mean.

giveitawhirl · 15/09/2022 00:02

How uptight are you / your mum about sweets and biscuits?

Honestly I’d send them over there and make gran the keeper or a large tub of Haribo.

As a young child I can honestly (and slightly ashamedly) remember that my favourite people were the ones who gave me treats (especially ones that my mother wouldn’t allow!)