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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be terrified of leaving abusive DH in a few weeks.

80 replies

OriginalUsername3 · 14/09/2022 14:28

I've made loads of threads on here asking for help. He's threatened to kill me, I had kicked him out and called the police but let him back if it triggers any memories. I'm moving out in a few weeks. Which is huge but also absolutely terrifying and honestly I feel sick with regret. I know I need to but I'm dreading it.

I haven't told him and don't intend to until nearer the time. I'm dreading that and him trying to take DS from me. I'm dreading fighting over my own few things and DSs things.

But also, I have NOTHING. Not a thing. Its an unfurnished flat. Look up form your phone, the first thing your eye falls on, I don't have it. A bed, cooker, fridge, curtains, a mug, a spoon. I have my clothes and hopefully DSs clothes and toys. What the af am I going to do? What do you do?! I don't have the money to buy it all. I don't have a van to collect second hand fridge and oven. How the fuck am I going to look after my baby?

What do I do?!

OP posts:

Ludo19 · 14/09/2022 14:33

I'm not sure OP. Can you call Women's Aid for advice? Do you have any family or friends that could help with even the basics and move what you have? Is your house council? Do they supply grants? A crisis loan via UC? I wouldn't tell him either, just wait till he's out and clear off.

Faciadipasta · 14/09/2022 14:34

Is there a charity like Brighter Beginnings in the area you're moving to? I'm sure they would help you if there is. Good luck

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 14:36

Lots of areas have Facebook pages where people give away furniture etc for free. Might be worth a try.

Adelais · 14/09/2022 14:40

Please don’t tell him your leaving until you’ve actually gone as it could be dangerous. Just take what you can while he’s out the house.
As for furniture ask on Facebook and I’m sure you’ll find people giving away stuff for free.
Youre absolutely doing the right thing by leaving this abusive man so stay strong.

SpeckledlyHen · 14/09/2022 14:44

Where about's are you located?

My brother was in a similar situation and I went on Gumtree/facebook etc and got loads of free stuff. I think if you put something on a FB page and ask for help (do not be afraid to ask for help) you would be amazed at how many kind people are out there. People may be able to drop stuff off for you (I know I would if I could).

DeliberatelyObtuse · 14/09/2022 14:44

Adelais · 14/09/2022 14:40

I agree with this

Worry about "stuff" later

There's a FB for my local area where people post offering things they no longer need or else asking for things they need. I have seen quite a lot of people asking on behalf of someone who has left an abusive situation. I'm sure there will be one where you're going

Good luck

TwoWeeksislong · 14/09/2022 14:47

Firstly, well done for organizing the flat! That’s huge. You will be able to get the basic furniture you need. It doesn’t matter if the first night there you have to sleep on the floor and eat a take away/ready made food.
Can you move out without telling him? As in, physically leave with whatever you can then email him from a safe place to tell him you are not coming back? You are not going to fight with him over your belongings. You’re going to take everything you can without him knowing in advance and then it’s a done deal and you don’t have to negotiate.
How are you going to get to your new flat? Do you have your own car? Can you start discretely moving things or would that be too dangerous (risk of him following you?) Is there anyone who you can trust to keep the secret who could bring their car and help you take stuff over? That way you could take baby’s cot or travel cot + blankets, sleeping bag if you have any, any camping type mattress or even the spare bed if there is one.
If there is absolutely no way you can safely get large things out the house in advance or on the day you move then you take the most precious items and all the paperwork - passports/birth certificates for you and baby, any bank statements you can get hold of, baby’s red book or whatever the equivalent is where you live. You put them in an ordinary back pack and you leave. Then you get the police involved to try to safely collect your belongings later on.

purplecorkheart · 14/09/2022 14:48

Firstly do not tell him until you are gone. Have you friends or family nearby that you can move things to bit by bit clothes and some toys.

Please contact woman aids or some domestic abuse charity as they will be able to help. Also keep an eye on facebook.

The main thing is for you and your son to get out safely.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2022 14:52

I agree with those saying don’t tell him you’re going until you’re actually gone. Can you do that?

Do you have a car to take the basics that you absolutely need? And time to pack it up on the day. I know you said you don’t have a van. Make sure to take passports and ID documents etc and that you’ve got some money where you can access it and not in a joint account that he can clear.

I also agree with speaking to women’s aid and the groups that have been suggested. They can help you get some basics in place.

Bestcatmum · 14/09/2022 14:56

You can rent a van for a few hours at a time. I used to do that and it's not too expensive.
You can do this - I did it and now my life is fabulous!!! I feel like I've been freed from prison.

TwowaystoUrmston · 14/09/2022 14:59

We have some amazing local groups on FB who help people in exactly your position OP, they would put an appeal out for donations and also liaise with other local charities who could help. They've built relationships with local businesses who will often help out with stuff like carpets, appliances or just getting things from a to b for you. Have a mooch on FB, there may well be similar in your area

WilmaJean · 14/09/2022 15:00

Look on olio. People giving away all sorts in the non-food section. There's also a wanted section where you can post things that you're specifically looking for. Good luck x

SpringMum30 · 14/09/2022 15:03

There are domestic abuse charities that can offer grants towards household items if you have a search. Also some local councils sometimes offer discretionary support and will provide new furniture like beds.

Danikm151 · 14/09/2022 15:06

councils will have info on their website about grants and funds available. Eg Birmingham there’s a fund to help with basic furniture and carpets for women with children.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 14/09/2022 15:08

If you haven’t already, contact women’s aid. You need a safety plan for your child. Don’t tell him at all in advance that you’re leaving. Just go. “Go out” somewhere and don’t come back. Wait for him to leave for work and leave then. make sure that you have passports, birth certificates, medication/prescriptions that you/your child need.

You will need legal advice and to take steps to stop your husband from removing your child from school/nursery care if they attend. Do not take them to either until you have sorted that out.

best wishes to you with your new life.

jalu47 · 14/09/2022 15:11

Facebook is fantastic for finding free donations but do be careful about posting publicly if there is a chance he / people he knows would see it. Maybe message people directly who are offering things up.

Best of luck to you.

Original poster

OriginalUsername3 · 14/09/2022 15:15

All my family live close together so I couldn't post on a Facebook group without it being seen by someone he or i know. I could ask womens aid if there's any help I can get. But I really can't afford to hire a van. I work for him. So my income will instantly stop. I was thinking of getting stuff on credit and worrying about it another day tbh

OP posts:

MsChatterbox · 14/09/2022 15:21

Just want to say well done! Have you made a plan regarding benefits? Get yourself out and then can worry about everything else. You can get some new toys from charity shops if you're not able to get them.

Workawayxx · 14/09/2022 15:27

Well done you for getting this far. You're doing the absolute best thing for your DS. I'd get in touch with a local church/vicar - even if you don't go or intend to go. They'll know people in the community who could help or even request free items on FB on your behalf and other help without giving away who you are. This is what a friend of mine did to get away from her abusive ex and the church also paid for carpet for her new place.

TeenyQueen · 14/09/2022 15:33

You can message a local Facebook group moderator and ask them to create a Facebook post anonymously on your behalf asking for donations.

My local town Facebook group did this, the moderator also arranged a van to collect all the donated items. The appeal was for a woman escaping domestic abuse and I believe there we're lots of donations including furniture, a TV, clothing, kitchen utensils etc.

You said DS is a baby, fortunately he won't know what's going on and he won't need much materially as long as he has your love and attention.

Agree with others, please don't tell him until after you've left, check your phone for any apps that track your location.

Can you take smaller kitchen items like the kettle and microwave so at least you've got something to get you going?

Lots of duvets and blankets to make a bed on the floor for the first couple of nights? A moses basket would easily fit in the car if he's small enough, and many pram models are also approved for overnight sleep.

So sorry you're going through this, sending you lots of love and courage ❤️

hiredandsqueak · 14/09/2022 15:34

Check on your Local Authority pages as we have a facility that provides home furnishings to people setting up home in difficult circumstances. They have everything from beds to washing machines and cookers.

SafferUpNorth · 14/09/2022 15:39

OriginalUsername3 · 14/09/2022 15:15

Best of luck OP, this is a hugely positive step. As others have said:

don't tell him you're going
Speak to Women's Aid
If you've not done so already, confide in a supportive friend or family member who can help you move as quickly as possible, and support you
That person can also help you look for free / cheap stuff on marketplace, Freecycle, Gumtree
Take what spare furniture you can from the house ie you child's bed and bedding, some kitchen stuff and crockery
Have your trusted person stay the first few nights with you. He might come looking for you
Tell the police if you feel unsafe in any way

Bluemoon22 · 14/09/2022 15:39

I am in the same situation. My abusive ex was arrested 2wks ago and me and my child have been staying at my mums since while we wait for housing. Do you have a domestic violence worker? Or can you find out what local DV charities are close to you because they can help you furnish your new place

SafferUpNorth · 14/09/2022 15:40

... and for goodness sake, don't clock up debt if you can help it. You'll get trapped.

Ensure you have your benefits application rolling. Citizens advice or Womens Aid can help

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/09/2022 16:03

I would put van hire on credit so you can spend a weekend collecting free stuff... than try to put all the stuff you need on credit to avoid hiring a van.

I think that would get you what you need faster and cheaper - even the high end big brand hire places, a middling sized van for 24 hours is only 75, a small van from a smaller company probably much cheaper.

I'd also set up a new FB account with a new email address now, so you can use market place and groups without being spotted.

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