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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified of leaving abusive DH in a few weeks.

80 replies

OriginalUsername3 · 14/09/2022 14:28

I've made loads of threads on here asking for help. He's threatened to kill me, I had kicked him out and called the police but let him back if it triggers any memories. I'm moving out in a few weeks. Which is huge but also absolutely terrifying and honestly I feel sick with regret. I know I need to but I'm dreading it.

I haven't told him and don't intend to until nearer the time. I'm dreading that and him trying to take DS from me. I'm dreading fighting over my own few things and DSs things.

But also, I have NOTHING. Not a thing. Its an unfurnished flat. Look up form your phone, the first thing your eye falls on, I don't have it. A bed, cooker, fridge, curtains, a mug, a spoon. I have my clothes and hopefully DSs clothes and toys. What the af am I going to do? What do you do?! I don't have the money to buy it all. I don't have a van to collect second hand fridge and oven. How the fuck am I going to look after my baby?

What do I do?!

OP posts:
Iateallthechocolate · 14/09/2022 16:58

You sort of camp in the place, and buy stuff as you can afford to. I bought a camp bed from argos. It came in a shoulder carry bag. Gets you off the floor out of draughts. Cheap bedding from Asda. A knife, fork and spoon. 1 plate 1 mug. A microwave. A kettle. Put milk in a sink full of cold water it will keep for 1 day.

Buy the rest when you get a job. In the meantime go out a lot. Library, free baby groups. Watch YouTube, read library books while you don't have a TV.
It can be done. It's not easy or fun, but it is a start, and it's temporary

LakieLady · 14/09/2022 17:30

If you have an IDVA, they might be able to help, or signpost you to someone who can. In my previous job, I used to get resettlement referrals from IDVAs and often got grants for women fleeing DA who had to furnish and equip a new home.

Also worth looking on Freegle and Freecycle for stuff in your area, and Nextdoor.co.uk often have people giving stuff away.

When you make your UC claim, you can apply for an advance but you may have to wait till after your verification appointment at the job centre.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/09/2022 17:33

If you've got the flat via a Housing Association, ask them for advice on obtaining the basics. They work with local charities etc and can seek to provide the basics.

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 14/09/2022 17:45

Move things out now, sleeping bags, pillows, cutlery, charger, lamp, paperwork you'll need, passports.

Are there things he never gets involved in like cleaning or whatever? If so take the dustpan and brush, cleaning products, just anything that will save you buying it in the future.

Where are you able to store a few bits and pieces?

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 14/09/2022 17:50

I wonder if womens refuges can help, even if you don’t actually go to one?

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:53

You’ve had some great advice OP. Forget about stuff as you can get that later, take bits you can and there’s no much free stuff on FB marketplace and gumtree you can sort later.
don’t tell him you’re going , contact women’s aid. Confide and ask for help from those you trust.
Sending love

INeverSawAPurpleCow · 14/09/2022 17:53

Community furniture store, British Heart Foundation. Sign up to your local Facebook pages and see what people are giving away.

Stay safe.

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/09/2022 17:54

Good luck on top of other recommendations.

Get paperwork together.. it will help you claim benefits.. birth certificates/ Ni number- his to make it easier claim cms..

Do you have a safe time to leave.. you can get a police escort if not..

Aubriella · 14/09/2022 18:05

All my family live close together so I couldn't post on a Facebook group without it being seen by someone he or i know.

Set up a new Facebook account in a fake name.

Or set up a Nextdoor account.

scarletandblack13 · 14/09/2022 18:11

Speak to Womens Aid, as they will know how to access local council support for basic white goods and furniture, don't get into debt! The process in my LA is very easy.

YankeeDad · 14/09/2022 18:19

Depending where you live, there may be items available on www.freecycle.org.

On that site, people list things that they no longer need but are still often in good condition. Do you have a friend with an estate car or a large car boot who can be trusted and who could accompany you to pick up items offered?

How it works: you typically see an item listed, message to ask whether it is still available, and ask when you can pick it up or offer to pick it up at a certain time. You don not need to give your real name. You may have more success if you give a phone number (so maybe worth getting a burner phone with a separate number if you are worried).

MakeMineALarge1 · 14/09/2022 18:23

I echo what people have said on here, do not tell him, contact Womans Aid, or your local Domestic Violence unit, there are people who can help, but do not tell him you're leaving.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/09/2022 18:31

The Salvation Army here can provide basic furniture and household goods - sheets, towels, etc. They have trucks that deliver.

Always4Brenner · 14/09/2022 18:34

All the best as other have said free cycle etc. hugs hand hold you’re doing brilliantly you’ll get there no debt though it will drag you down.

Cats23 · 14/09/2022 18:41

Our local council have emergency grants- Try contacting your council.
Woman's aid too.
Call Universal Credit- They do emergency loans also.
Maybe set up a fake FB account to ask for free items or ask a local FB charity to post for you anonomously.

Good Luck

ForestofD · 14/09/2022 18:51

There's an Upcycling charity near us. They will put together bed, tables, chairs, etc for your flat. Have a look around and see if you can find something similar.

I also second the new FB account. Make sure he is blocked as soon as you set it up. I've given away perfectly usable furniture because I just want it gone and out of the way.

I wish you all the best.

Pinkishpurple · 14/09/2022 18:56

Have a look where you are moving and see if there is a reuse centre where you are moving. The one near me sells second hand household items/white goods/furniture. There is one price for if you are financially fine, one for if you are on benefits. They also will give furniture and white goods for free to people in your position, you just have to speak to a senior staff member. This is in Bedfordshire if that helps, but I'm sure there are others elsewhere in the country. Otherwise set up a Facebook profile, with fake name, set profile to private and then pick up stuff from free Facebook sites. Each town/village near me has 'waste not' Facebook pages where everything is free! They literally list everything you could need.

SpinningFloppa · 14/09/2022 18:56

I moved into my place with nothing, I slept on the floor for ages you build up bit by bit people give things away for free, get a lone etc there are ways took me ages to sort my house out but got there in the end

Pinkishpurple · 14/09/2022 19:03

Pinkishpurple · 14/09/2022 18:56

Have a look where you are moving and see if there is a reuse centre where you are moving. The one near me sells second hand household items/white goods/furniture. There is one price for if you are financially fine, one for if you are on benefits. They also will give furniture and white goods for free to people in your position, you just have to speak to a senior staff member. This is in Bedfordshire if that helps, but I'm sure there are others elsewhere in the country. Otherwise set up a Facebook profile, with fake name, set profile to private and then pick up stuff from free Facebook sites. Each town/village near me has 'waste not' Facebook pages where everything is free! They literally list everything you could need.

Ooh i forgot to say the reuse centre literally delivers for free too! Your new local children's centre, will help you if you ask too. Our local one frequently asks for clothes/toys for a family who has nothing. Talk to Women's Aid, you must not tell him you are leaving, he may well hurt you, just escape with your son when he isn't around. Get police involved to help you safely leave if that's what is needed xxx

AlexandraJJ · 14/09/2022 19:14

Loads of good advice on here we are all rooting for you. I agree with definitely not telling him you’re leaving, it doesn’t sound safe. One thing you might want to think about is go to the police station or call your local police and tell them what you are doing and when and if, god forbid, you need their help that they will come straight away to assist you. I don’t know how to say this without it sounding patronising but woman to woman I feel so proud you are doing what you’re doing albeit it’s really sad and very scary right now. When you close the door of your new home I hope you won’t look around and feel despondent I am hoping that you will feel free!

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2022 19:16

I don’t know where you are. I’m in GLOS and we have things like kids stuff who can help with clothes and furniture for kids etc. We have the lions who have second hand furniture. Plus other charities who can help. Plus any friends or relatives with a big car or a van?

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 14/09/2022 19:19

I really wouldn't tell him you're leaving OP, just go, after getting your ducks in a row. That's the safest option and safety must be your main concern.

Hall84 · 14/09/2022 19:27

As above, women's aid/FB etc. Also try local charities - lions club/rotary/church. Although I'm not religious we've given lots of our LGs things to a church that pass on to families in need. If you're in the NW I might be able to pass your details to local groups depending on location. Good luck!

a647gjf · 14/09/2022 19:43

Well done you for leaving. It's takes absolute balls of steel to leave an abusive relationship and so much more courage and strength than people realise. But, you've got this. You have absolutely got this. As mothers, our super power is finding strength we didn't know existed.

Practicality wise, get as much support around you as you possibly can. Find your local domestic abuse service. Talk to your GP and health visitor. There's lots of different charities they can signpost you to that might be able to offer you grants and such. If you're employed, obviously depending on your employer, some have hardship funds also. I'd also have a look on Facebook for some local single parent groups, there might be some kind people on there willing to lend a helping hand with moving things.

Also, take things right back to basics. Most important thing is that you're fed and warm and that you have somewhere to sleep. If need be, you and your child can share a bed for a while, which may not be such a bad thing in the winter months. Money wise, have you looked at entitled to to work out what benefits you can get? I think they can offer advance payments or one off grants for furniture/white goods too. Might be worth having a chat to citizens advice.

Download apps like too good to go or, the holy grail of free food, olio. Find your local food banks. Freecycle is good for furniture and things too. Marketplace and gumtree also. When do you get the keys to your flat? Is it possible to discreetly start moving some essentials like clothes and toys and some cupboard food stuff without him knowing?

It might take a while, but eventually you'll have everything you need and it'll be yours and your child's home where you'll be safe and free. Cling on to that. Sending lots of love x

JanglyBeads · 14/09/2022 19:43

People are posting about the fur tutu re but the first thing you wrote about was the fear.

Obviously a DV professional can help you with that. Can also maybe help with arranging counselling.
You can inform the police of the day you are going and the new address so that they can put marker on your flat, esp if they've been involved previously.