To be terrified of leaving abusive DH in a few weeks.

[OriginalUsername3]

I've made loads of threads on here asking for help. He's threatened to kill me, I had kicked him out and called the police but let him back if it triggers any memories. I'm moving out in a few weeks. Which is huge but also absolutely terrifying and honestly I feel sick with regret. I know I need to but I'm dreading it.

I haven't told him and don't intend to until nearer the time. I'm dreading that and him trying to take DS from me. I'm dreading fighting over my own few things and DSs things.

But also, I have NOTHING. Not a thing. Its an unfurnished flat. Look up form your phone, the first thing your eye falls on, I don't have it. A bed, cooker, fridge, curtains, a mug, a spoon. I have my clothes and hopefully DSs clothes and toys. What the af am I going to do? What do you do?! I don't have the money to buy it all. I don't have a van to collect second hand fridge and oven. How the fuck am I going to look after my baby?

What do I do?!

Agree with pp’s re practicalities. Also, speaking from personal experience, on an almost esoteric level, once you start to get the ‘ball rolling’ with your plan, things will start to slot into place.

Well remember literally running from abusive living situations more than once in my life. No children but often with a beloved cat clamped under each arm with not a clue on what would happen next.

In my experience, the universe truly abhors empty space & you’ll find yourself surrounded by ‘stuff’ again in no time.

Most important is yours & little ones safety, mental health & happiness right now, everything else will follow.

All the best for D’ day, keep safe & see you on the other side

Don’t put new stuff on credit if you could buy second hand without the debt. This will be a difficult time for you and extra debts will complicate things

Charities help with furniture in this sort of situation i.e. Families First. They also deliver. Make a list of basic essentials you will need.

You will feel better as soon as you have done it. Honestly! I didn't believe that but as soon as you are in your own home and free of that constant oppression you will start to feel better.
You sound like such a strong and courageous person, you can do it!

There are many charities that can help, and if someone can post anonymously for you on Facebook I’m sure you would be inundated with offers.

Contact Womens aid and your local council. Register for UC and take the advance that they offer you.

Please, please do not tell him you’re going - that is the most dangerous time for you and your son. Just leave while he’s out.

Stay safe x

Womens aid definitely also after you move ask family. Free ads too. Good luck.

Lots of good advice here OP.
Get all important paperwork together ( list of this online) and take it to a trusted friend's/ family member house.
Leave without telling him.
If you can take to your friend/family member any other things you might need safely do so. Only if it is safe.
Household stuff can be easily be replaced/acquired.
Oh! Also , as you are working for him, get your doctor to sign you off sick, so can still get paid you while you get settled.
Well done for getting this far, you got this.

Whatever you do:☆☆☆☆Do not get into debt.☆☆☆☆
Think how beautiful your life can be, how peaceful your new home will be.

You’re doing great OP! Step by step is the way to go, so keep going. I know it’s scary to think about what’s coming next. Don’t focus on what you won’t have. You will do great at setting things up once you have the space to do it, and there will be plenty of people willing to help out.

Instead, right now, focus on what you will have: you and your DS will have each other, and you’ll be safer. A little way down the road, you’ll be happier too. I’m not sure how old your DS is, but even if he can’t understand it fully right now, one day he’ll be so proud and grateful for what you’re doing.

Be strong ❤

OP there are definitely ways around this without getting into debt.

like others have said, contact women’s aid, they can point you in the direction of domestic abuse charities.
also, ypu can post anonymously on Facebook although you may get fewer responses. There is also Gumtree and FreeCycle where you won’t have to put your actual name. You could also try a local church as they often have contacts within charities.

Do not tell tour DH you plan to leave. It could become dangerous.
Just take what you can and go, leave a note or message afterwards so he knows the baby is ok.

local fb group may have a ‘’man with a van” (or woman, that’s just what our local guy advertises as). Charges about £10 for a single item pick up so say if you manage to get a sofa for free / cheap on a local fb page you can then book him to pick up and deliver it, which can solve the problem of how to get something being given away delivered to you. Might be worth having a look to see if someone in your area offers a similar service.
Larger charity shops that sell furniture also sometimes do a paid for delivery service- I got a sofa and two matching armchairs for £75 plus £15 delivery from my local one when my old sofa broke, a chunk of money at the time but the new furniture is good quality and will last for years.

Agree with others about leaving when he isn’t there. Once you have the keys can you move small stuff like clothing in a carrier bag.

Visit local charity shops now to suss out what might be possible to get in the future/ type of things they sell and prices/ do they do deliveries. We have a BHF that is furniture and white goods. Everything is PAT tested. They will deliver several items/ a van load for £25.
Local women’s aid.
Catholic Church has St. Vincent de Paul which is a charity that can help and sometimes can help with goods donated.
Salvation Army often have charity shops that have affordable items and will discreetly give items.
Contact a Women’s Aid group national or local.
Do you have a trusted friend you can confide in?
Sounds like you don’t want to involve family at this stage.

Good luck.Remember you are worth more than the life you are living.

Don't tell him you're leaving, it's the most dangerous time.

Can you stay in a woman's refuge for starters.

I second Olio. The first thing I gave away was a steriliser to someone whose one had just broke and had asked if anyone had one. So definitely ask for what you need. I have now given away so much free baby stuff on there.

Best of luck

Please do not tell him you are leaving until after you left or if he never leaves long enough contact the police in advance and tell them you think he might become violent and you just need help to take your stuff . Pack and hide your documents and the baby ones in advance .
please reach for help put a post in Facebook , explain what is happening and you will get help . I’ve collected all sorts for people in the same situation just because they had nobody and I’m sure someone kind enough will e near you and help you the same way .
please remember women at the most vulnerable when they leave their abusers . Keep you and that baby safe . Contact women’s aid and the police.
please tell us your area maybe one if us can help you

if he has threatened to kill your then please don’t tell him you are leaving, wait until he is out the house and then leave with your ds and what you need for the next few days.

@OriginalUsername3
To get the things you need make a list and look online at these sites:
1 Look into locally based acts of kindness groups on Facebook. Some allow members to post requests and responses to offers anonymously precisely to help people escaping domestic abuse situations etc.
2 Join both Freecycle and Freegle. You can choose a username that doesn't reveal who you are.
3 Also join gumtree there are some free items available there too. Just use free as your search term in the location you need.
All sorts of stuff gets offered on these sites cookers, fridge freezers, kettles, pans, microwaves, crockery, beds, bedding, sleeping bags, curtains, sofas, rugs and tvs...
If you already have access to the flat or if you have a trusted friend or family member who could hold stuff for you then you could start to acquire things you need. But if not speak tp.women's aid and other charities to see if they can help while you focus on your escape. You can look at getting what you need from.these free sites later.

You can do this.

Contact the parish church nearest to your new flat. They will help you, I’m sure. (My congregation furnished an empty 3 bedroomed house from scratch in similar circumstances.)

Maybe create a profile on nextdoor.co.uk with your new address and post there? We recently had a similar post in our feed and the number of people who responded and took household items to the person who posted (also escaping abusive situation, single parent) was amazing.

The MOST DANGEROUS time is when you are leaving - he may get violent (he already has threatened it). DO NOT TELL him you are goin, tell him when you are well away - and don't tell him where you are.

Contact Women's Aid. They will help with practicalities, advice and legalities.

Good luck.

I hope you’re safe OP hugs.

I feel awful. He's being really nice lately and I'm plotting behind his back. He's going to be so hurt if he finds out but he'll also be so angry. Even though he's trying I can see how quick he is to anger and he still expects me to do his thinking for him. Even at his best I don't want this any more. And I know he'll kick off again soon and it's been worse every time.

I've taken out a loan to be able to buy some of the bigger things I'll need delivering. Or I might use it for a van to collect second hand bits. I need energy efficient stuff and it's hard to find out about second hand stuff and at least new stuff has a warranty and stuff. But I feel more secure knowing I have enough money to keep us going if he stops paying me until I can claim benefits.

Do you work OP? Or on maternity leave?

Freecycle and Olio are both website/apps where you get things for free including furniture.

you could also post a free wanted ad on gumtree for a bed a sofa a fridge …. Perhaps a friend could pick them up for you and drop at new place? X

I need fridge freezer so will go down this route gumtree etc.