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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Car sharing, AIBU?

82 replies

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:28

About a year ago my DP and I sold our cars and purchased a joint car, mostly to cut costs and because in theory we wouldn't ever need it at the same time.
DP has a work car but can only be used for work so that leaves the car free for me to use for work and on my days off (part-time) i do activities with youngest (pre-schooler). I also pick up eldest from school (after school activities) maybe 2-3 nights a week but this is all while DP is at work so he wouldn't be needing the car.

DP goes to the gym every evening and on weekends and needs the car to get there, weeknights are not so bad but the weekend he goes from about 11-1ish, sometimes 2 which then means i am always left at home with the kids for that time and if i needed the car it would be tough because he always has to go no matter what. So this means i basically cannot plan anything if i would need the car, i don't actually have any hobbies of my own to go out and do on an evening but this is only because he never has a day off from doing his things so i can't plan anything. Also if i want to go to an event that might be on a weekend with the kids i either have to get a lift or argue about having the car. I've said that surely 5 times a week is plenty for going to the gym?? I'm not asking him to never go on the weekend but would be nice to have more days out as a family as we rarely go as it's too late to leave by mid afternoon as he always has to squeeze in the gym.

I know i use the car far more than him by default because he doesn't need it during week daytimes but aibu to think at least on weekends it should be more about the family than just what he wants to do? How do others make it work?

OP posts:
Sophfreddie · 14/09/2022 12:35

How fars the gym? Could he take a push bike 😆

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/09/2022 12:37

The issue here is that he is taking all the free time. This should be shared. The car is second to that.

StarlingsInTheRoof · 14/09/2022 12:38

He goes quite late on a Saturday. Can he go earlier? If he went at 7 or 8 he could be back for 10.

AverageJoan · 14/09/2022 12:40

Agree with PPs, there are compromises to be made here. Either he goes earlier at the weekend or stops going quite as frequently so you actually have some free time for hobbies or taking DC out.

LannieDuck · 14/09/2022 12:41

I think the fact he's not willing to share the free time is a bigger problem than the car.

If you're a SAHM, I always think that should mean you cover chores and childcare for the same hours he's at work. Once he's home, evening and weekend chores and childcare should be shared, and any 'free time' available should split equally.

Very unfair that he's currently hogging every evening and weekend.

Aprilx · 14/09/2022 12:41

I absolutely would not stand for DH going to the gym every night and for two or three hours at the weekend in the first place.

decayingmatter · 14/09/2022 12:41

God, imagine having young kids and picking 11-1 at the weekends for gym time! He should go at 630 if he must go every weekend like most other parents would

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 12:42

He needs to either bike it to the gym or go at a more family friendly time.

LovelyChicken · 14/09/2022 12:43

He gets everything he wants since you got rid of a car and it's only you losing out. Also, he gets to do all his hobby stuff and you get to do all the stuff with the kids.

devildeepbluesea · 14/09/2022 12:44

WTF?!! How are you standing for this selfishness?
And im not talking about the car.

Bluevelvetsofa · 14/09/2022 12:44

One of the things I find really annoying is having to share a car. It’s an economic necessity, but I really miss being able to please myself, instead of negotiating.

MermaidSwimming · 14/09/2022 12:45

I'd start taking DC out in the car earlier on a weekend, if he is selfish enough to expect you to do without then so can he. The fact you never get free or family time is a bigger issue to me though

SheWoreYellow · 14/09/2022 12:45

He goes to the gym every evening? That’s a lot. What time does he go? Either he’s leaving you to do bedtime every single night, or he’s going once they’re in bed and not spending any time with you.
That’s pretty shit.

Original poster
G874 · 14/09/2022 12:46

He certainly could bike but it would be 40 mins each way so not exactly ideal, it would leave the car free for me but then we wouldn't see him for most of the day 😂

OP posts:
maxelly · 14/09/2022 12:47

Where do you live (I don't mean exact coordinates but is there no public transport, places you can walk/cycle to, including things to do with DC and gym/exercise for DP?). On the face of it a 2-3 hour slot for him to do what he likes isn't unreasonable to me (although is that both Saturday and Sunday?) but it being bang in the middle of the weekend preventing you from doing anything else is a PITA. How many times a week does he really need to go to the gym, not a gym goer myself but surely if he goes every single weekday evening he doesn't then need to go on the weekend as well? Could he not get some home weights and/or go for a run or cycle on a Saturday/Sunday if really essential to get some exercise in?

I do agree that the car is not the issue here so much as equality of relaxation/leisure/hobby time. When is your free time/out of the house time, considering that your DP takes, what, 5 hours at least in the week and 2-3 at the weekend, or more, purely for gym? Is gym his hobby or is it some way necessary for his work to be that fit? You could solve the issue by buying a very cheap runaround old banger car purely to be used for DP's weekend gym runs, or if there is one in your area, use a car share service (zip car/turo etc) just for those times, or DP could even take a taxi to the gym depending on how far it is. But for a non gym goer that does seem a bit excessive just to facilitate a hobby than can surely be partially done from home (waiting for all the gym people now to tell me that's totally ridiculous!)...

caffelattetogo · 14/09/2022 12:47

He is hogging all the free time and leaving you as default parent.

mondaytosunday · 14/09/2022 12:48

Can you not drop him at the gym?

SheWoreYellow · 14/09/2022 12:48

Also, is a company car that can’t be used for private use really a thing?

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 12:49

Um. Why are you posting about a car and not your absurdly selfish husband?!?
Why are you putting up with this?
It's fairly simple, equal down time. It sounds like he has 20 ish hours of down time and you have 0. Why isn't it 10 each?

Original poster
G874 · 14/09/2022 12:49

I have suggested the gym earlier but he meets a friend there who is single and lives alone and of course doesn't have to get up early so they go at 11 to suit the friend. Interestingly enough one weekend the friend had to go early as he had plans later on and miraculously my DP got up early and went....

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 12:50

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:46

He certainly could bike but it would be 40 mins each way so not exactly ideal, it would leave the car free for me but then we wouldn't see him for most of the day 😂

What's the point of driving to a gym and leaving you car less when he could just exercise via bike in the first place?

MaryShelley1818 · 14/09/2022 12:51

Why don't you prioritise your children instead of a selfish man child and tell him it's "tough" on a weekend because you're using it. Why does he get the final say?
Every night and the middle of the day at weekends, I feel so sad for your poor kids, how sad to have a father like that.

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 14/09/2022 12:51

His mate is higher up the priority list than his kids. Pathetic

Aprilx · 14/09/2022 12:52

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:46

He certainly could bike but it would be 40 mins each way so not exactly ideal, it would leave the car free for me but then we wouldn't see him for most of the day 😂

There honestly is nothing funny about this at all, don’t try to make light of it. Why on earth is he going to a gym forty miles away?

Also like a previous poster mentioned, I have never heard of a company car arrangement that does not allow private use. Sounds like he is just saying that to me.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 12:52

Wow op, this is getting worse and worse. You are far far too blase about this. And, just to be clear, that isn't a good thing at all.