Page 3 | Car sharing, AIBU?

G874 · 2022-09-14T11:28:43+00:00

About a year ago my DP and I sold our cars and purchased a joint car, mostly to cut costs and because in theory we wouldn't ever need it at the same time. DP has a work car but can only be used for work so that leaves the car free for me to use for work and on my days off (part-time) i do activities with youngest (pre-schooler). I also pick up eldest from school (after school activities) maybe 2-3 nights a week but this is all while DP is at work so he wouldn't be needing the car. DP goes to the gym every evening and on weekends and needs the car to get there, weeknights are not so bad but the weekend he goes from about 11-1ish, sometimes 2 which then means i am always left at home with the kids for that time and if i needed the car it would be tough because he always has to go no matter what. So this means i basically cannot plan anything if i would need the car, i don't actually have any hobbies of my own to go out and do on an evening but this is only because he never has a day off from doing his things so i can't plan anything. Also if i want to go to an event that might be on a weekend with the kids i either have to get a lift or argue about having the car. I've said that surely 5 times a week is plenty for going to the gym?? I'm not asking him to never go on the weekend but would be nice to have more days out as a family as we rarely go as it's too late to leave by mid afternoon as he always has to squeeze in the gym. I know i use the car far more than him by default because he doesn't need it during week daytimes but aibu to think at least on weekends it should be more about the family than just what he wants to do? How do others make it work?

Kissingfrogs25 · 14/09/2022 14:02

He is god awful example to your children as well

AlbertaAnnie · 14/09/2022 14:21

what! He’s like a teenager with no responsibility! Tell him to go to the gym at 6am on weekends if he has to or just stick to going a few nights after work! This is so unreasonable of him with a family to think about!

N27 · 14/09/2022 14:27

There’s definitely two seperate issues here.

for the car, I would probably just give him a lift to and from the gym if I needed the car in the meantime. If I was going out he’d have to have a coffee afterwards and wait for me or find another arrangement home but he’d be happy to do that.

regarding the hobbies. I don’t think that’s acceptable but I know some people do. We are in a sports club and there are quite a few people who go every Saturday and Sunday and I often wonder why their families put up with it. Most of the people in the club just do one day and have the other as a family day.

the key think in all this though is how his needs and wants seem to (in his mind) be superior to yours, which is not ok and not healthy, and I would be questioning whether that’s a relationship dynamic that you are ok with.

Graphista · 14/09/2022 14:32

The issue here is that he is taking all the free time. This should be shared. The car is second to that.

This

He's taking piss in several ways here, that needs a stop putting to it

Is he fuck loving the gym that much my bet is he's ducking out of family life or possibly worse

I have suggested the gym earlier but he meets a friend there who is single and lives alone and of course doesn't have to get up early so they go at 11 to suit the friend. Interestingly enough one weekend the friend had to go early as he had plans later on and miraculously my DP got up early and went....

He's behaving like a child free bachelor - he is not one! Time he grew up and prioritised his family!

He leaves just as i'm putting youngest to bed after a bath but he doesn't actually help just hovers around while i do everything really then kisses them goodnight before he goes.

He sounds a waste of space! Tell him he needs to start being an active father quite honestly I'd be off as he seems neither use nor ornament!

He doesn't like doing kids activities

Yea he needs a major arse kicking! If he didn't want to do parenting shouldn't have become a dad then!

My free time is my days off from work that i spend with youngest

That's not free time then!

I'm also now very much getting a strong sense of possible infidelity here

Why are you putting up with - and allowing your dc to - such shoddy, dismissive and uncaring treatment?!

Original poster

G874 · 14/09/2022 15:16

I can see how people might think he's having an affair, I mean to be honest it is entirely possible, I've read enough threads on here where women are saying there partners would never do that etc and it turns out they are.
I'd be very surprised if he was though, I know the friend he goes to the gym with, i also know the owner of the gym and DP and i have many mutual acquaintances so it would be very hard to hide an affair and i could easily ask his friend or the gym owner if he was there. He also comes home looking like he's done a workout if that makes sense and he always tracks his bike rides on some app to see how far he's been etc. So he's not biking up the road to have a bunk up and then come home.
He's been cheated on in the past and has always said how much it hurt him, so yeah it is entirely possible but I would be very surprised if he was.

OP posts:

Welliesintherain · 14/09/2022 15:19

Next Saturday get up and leave him with the kids
Get yourself an appointment with a divorce lawyer and start making moves to get rid of him. I cannot see what joy he brings to your life or to the lives of his dc.

i wouldn’t be interested in compromising with someone this selfish and who thinks so little of me…

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 15:20

I'm so sorry for you op, because you're not listening. You don't want to hear what EVERYONE is trying to tell you. Which is your prerogative. In X amount of time, when you realise, we'll be here for you. In the meantime, my advice is do not have any more children with this man.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 14/09/2022 15:54

Bloody hell, who goes to the gym 7 days a week? Who needs 3 hours in the gym?

You need a serious conversation about your relationship. He's taking the bloody piss really? He needs to be helping out at home with the children more, prioritising his family a little more, supporting his wife to have some free time of her own a bit more.

Quite why you're tolerating this is beyond me ....

Kissingfrogs25 · 14/09/2022 15:56

Milkand2sugarsplease · 14/09/2022 15:54

Bloody hell, who goes to the gym 7 days a week? Who needs 3 hours in the gym?

You need a serious conversation about your relationship. He's taking the bloody piss really? He needs to be helping out at home with the children more, prioritising his family a little more, supporting his wife to have some free time of her own a bit more.

Quite why you're tolerating this is beyond me ....

I am certainly not convinced he is IN the gym seven days a week for hours at a time...

Kissingfrogs25 · 14/09/2022 16:00

G874 · 14/09/2022 15:16

I can see how people might think he's having an affair, I mean to be honest it is entirely possible, I've read enough threads on here where women are saying there partners would never do that etc and it turns out they are.
I'd be very surprised if he was though, I know the friend he goes to the gym with, i also know the owner of the gym and DP and i have many mutual acquaintances so it would be very hard to hide an affair and i could easily ask his friend or the gym owner if he was there. He also comes home looking like he's done a workout if that makes sense and he always tracks his bike rides on some app to see how far he's been etc. So he's not biking up the road to have a bunk up and then come home.
He's been cheated on in the past and has always said how much it hurt him, so yeah it is entirely possible but I would be very surprised if he was.

Honestly big respect to the woman that ditched his sorry ass, she was clearly sick and tired of his relentlessly selfish shitty choices. You on the other hand are saddled now with his kids, unmarried and doing it all, how you can even consider putting up with this for another day longer is shocking to me.

Please dig out your self respect op, or at least your sense of fair play - or are you too scared to lose him if you challenge what he wants to do?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 14/09/2022 17:18

@Kissingfrogs25 fair point....

LastWordsOfALiar · 14/09/2022 17:23

How selfish of him.

Either he shares the car equally at the weekend, or you sell the car and buy your own again.

Ponderingwindow · 14/09/2022 17:28

He needs to start balancing his gym time with family time. It’s not just about the car. But yes, if you want to do something with the kids on the weekend and he could still go to the gym at another time, he should shift his gym visit. It really doesn’t matter that he likes to meet a friend. Parents have to work social lives around children.

HappyKoala56 · 14/09/2022 18:10

YANBU, he isn't compromising at all which comes with sharing anything. Why can he go where he wants when he wants, and you get whatever is left? Completely self-centred behaviour on his part

DelphiniumBlue · 14/09/2022 18:16

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:46

He certainly could bike but it would be 40 mins each way so not exactly ideal, it would leave the car free for me but then we wouldn't see him for most of the day 😂

40 minutes bike each way means he'd be having plenty of exercise and not need to spend so long in the gym!

DelphiniumBlue · 14/09/2022 18:19

Seriously though, it's not fair that all the free time is his.
As for the car, any spare time after the DC have been taken wherever they need to go and shopping etc been done, needs to be divided 50/50.
Start booking your own gym/exercise /evening classes and tell him he'll have to work around it.

JMKid · 14/09/2022 18:25

I can't believe that you tolerate this shitty behaviour where you and the kids come behind everything and everyone. You need to learn to put your foot down and allow him to treat you like a doormat.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 18:38

There's so much of this shit on mn and it's starting to annoy me.
Man treats woman like shit.
Woman puts up with it, for god knows what reason. In fact, thinks it's funny.
And, so far, that would be fine, it's up to her. Her life.
Except, it affects stuff.
The children see it. They repeat it in their relationships - man do what like, women serve.
The man tells his mates. The mates say to their wives 'but x is allowed to piss all over y, why can't I piss all over you?'
And so, the shitty cycle continues.

Put a stop to it op!! Tell him to fuck off.

devildeepbluesea · 14/09/2022 18:42

Whether he’s having an affair or not is irrelevant though isn’t it.

He - and you - are prioritising his pathetic little narcissistic hobby over family life.

Up to you if you want to accept that. I wouldn’t, I’ve far too much respect for myself and my child.

CaptainMum · 14/09/2022 18:58

He sounds awful. Like, top drawer selfish. Towards his children and you. And you seem stunningly blinded to his egocentric world. Which is a great shame for you, but more so your children.

Welliesintherain · 14/09/2022 18:58

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 18:38

There's so much of this shit on mn and it's starting to annoy me.
Man treats woman like shit.
Woman puts up with it, for god knows what reason. In fact, thinks it's funny.
And, so far, that would be fine, it's up to her. Her life.
Except, it affects stuff.
The children see it. They repeat it in their relationships - man do what like, women serve.
The man tells his mates. The mates say to their wives 'but x is allowed to piss all over y, why can't I piss all over you?'
And so, the shitty cycle continues.

Put a stop to it op!! Tell him to fuck off.

This x 1000

devildeepbluesea · 14/09/2022 19:02

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 18:38

There's so much of this shit on mn and it's starting to annoy me.
Man treats woman like shit.
Woman puts up with it, for god knows what reason. In fact, thinks it's funny.
And, so far, that would be fine, it's up to her. Her life.
Except, it affects stuff.
The children see it. They repeat it in their relationships - man do what like, women serve.
The man tells his mates. The mates say to their wives 'but x is allowed to piss all over y, why can't I piss all over you?'
And so, the shitty cycle continues.

Put a stop to it op!! Tell him to fuck off.

Absolutely right.

Sometimes I think that women are doomed to this subservient role forever.

PlutoCritter · 14/09/2022 19:05

This is nuts op. He basically is living life like he has no responsibility than work. What would happen if you demanded 40mins there, 40min back to a hobby and took the car for HOURS at the weekend to do it?

You have much bigger problems in the relationship than a silly car. That car issue is a symptom of you & your family being way, way down his list of priorities. His work, hobby, friend at the gym are first, then the rest of you are getting what tiny little time is left.

I honestly haven't met anyone in real life that could live like this, like you're single with hobbies etc and the partner would stick around for it. Crazy that you haven't questioned this bizarre need of his to sink so much free time into his hobbies (when he should be doing 50% of household stuff and, you know, actually parenting)...

Rumplestrumpet · 14/09/2022 19:13

Sorry OP but this is really quite upsetting to read.

He is not really being a father or a partner is he? Gym/hobby 2-3 times a week, fair enough, including one weekend morning. But every evening and both days at weekends AND he goes at a time that suits his friend to the detriment of his family?!?! It's so completely appalling it's almost hard to believe (except I absolutely believe you because I've seen so many of these threads now).

You've probably been in this situation so long you can't see how unacceptable his behaviour is, but please believe all the posters here telling you it's not on. It's not just (or even mostly) about the car. It's about him being a partner and a father to his kids and setting an example of what they should accept and expect in life.

If you're not so turned off him you want to walk away (I honestly would be), please sit down with him and have a calm discussion about it, and make it clear that you should each have some "me" time, and there should also be family time. We don't always enjoy kids activities- my husband hates playgrounds and country parks - but some things we just have to do for the kids.

He needs to ditch one weekend gym visit and go earlier on the other day so it doesn't take up the whole day. And one evening a week he should be putting kids to bed and letting you pop out to see a friend, attend a class or just out your feet up.

That still wouldn't be equal, but it would be a good start.

Good luck

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2022 21:00

Agree he's not being fair either he goes at a more convenient time or you alternate use of car on weekends