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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Car sharing, AIBU?

82 replies

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:28

About a year ago my DP and I sold our cars and purchased a joint car, mostly to cut costs and because in theory we wouldn't ever need it at the same time.
DP has a work car but can only be used for work so that leaves the car free for me to use for work and on my days off (part-time) i do activities with youngest (pre-schooler). I also pick up eldest from school (after school activities) maybe 2-3 nights a week but this is all while DP is at work so he wouldn't be needing the car.

DP goes to the gym every evening and on weekends and needs the car to get there, weeknights are not so bad but the weekend he goes from about 11-1ish, sometimes 2 which then means i am always left at home with the kids for that time and if i needed the car it would be tough because he always has to go no matter what. So this means i basically cannot plan anything if i would need the car, i don't actually have any hobbies of my own to go out and do on an evening but this is only because he never has a day off from doing his things so i can't plan anything. Also if i want to go to an event that might be on a weekend with the kids i either have to get a lift or argue about having the car. I've said that surely 5 times a week is plenty for going to the gym?? I'm not asking him to never go on the weekend but would be nice to have more days out as a family as we rarely go as it's too late to leave by mid afternoon as he always has to squeeze in the gym.

I know i use the car far more than him by default because he doesn't need it during week daytimes but aibu to think at least on weekends it should be more about the family than just what he wants to do? How do others make it work?

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 14/09/2022 12:53

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:49

I have suggested the gym earlier but he meets a friend there who is single and lives alone and of course doesn't have to get up early so they go at 11 to suit the friend. Interestingly enough one weekend the friend had to go early as he had plans later on and miraculously my DP got up early and went....

Alternate weekends then, one early and one the time his friend prefers?

hes being really selfish and inflexible.

dmask · 14/09/2022 12:54

Can’t he go to the gym when it opens? Then you’ll have all the day together.

bellsbuss · 14/09/2022 12:54

Can his friend give him a lift ?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/09/2022 12:56

Aprilx · 14/09/2022 12:41

I absolutely would not stand for DH going to the gym every night and for two or three hours at the weekend in the first place.

Me neither. He just doesn't want to do Daddy duties.

Original poster
G874 · 14/09/2022 13:00

@SheWoreYellow yes he goes every evening, except maybe the very odd occasion he is tired he might skip a night but that's rare. He leaves just as i'm putting youngest to bed after a bath but he doesn't actually help just hovers around while i do everything really then kisses them goodnight before he goes.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/09/2022 13:04

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:49

I have suggested the gym earlier but he meets a friend there who is single and lives alone and of course doesn't have to get up early so they go at 11 to suit the friend. Interestingly enough one weekend the friend had to go early as he had plans later on and miraculously my DP got up early and went....

Don't make plans to marry your partner. His friend has no ties so plans should revolve round the person who does. Your partner has no backbone and should be putting his family's needs before the friend's. Why do women put up with these useless men? My DH used to go to the gym or for a bike ride when it was convenient for US. ie. if we were just pottering round the house early on a Saturday morning in our pyjamas he'd go to the gym then. Or late at night after the kids were settled in bed. He usually went once in the week and once at the weekend, and exercised at home another night. If there were family plans for the weekend eg child's friend's birthday party, we'd discuss who would do that and make sure they had the car for it.

Set some standards and expectations up for yourself, and stick to them.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 13:07

Op, you don't seem to realise it, but you are in a terrible relationship whereby you both see your partners needs as superior to your own.

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 13:10

So he spends absolutely no time with his children and you never have a family day?

Brightredtulips · 14/09/2022 13:16

I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like he's having an affair.

Booklover3 · 14/09/2022 13:16

So he actually does nothing for any of you then? No it’s not reasonable OP. The gym shouldn’t be his priority.

catandcoffee · 14/09/2022 13:18

So you're virtually a prisoner in your own home 😮

Coughee · 14/09/2022 13:21

What a selfish wanker. He absolutely could compromise but he wants it all his way. What is he even doing at the gym for 3 hours? Presumably it's one with a pool/sauna so part of that time is taken up with pure leisure rather than exercise?

Original poster
G874 · 14/09/2022 13:33

maxelly · 14/09/2022 12:47

Where do you live (I don't mean exact coordinates but is there no public transport, places you can walk/cycle to, including things to do with DC and gym/exercise for DP?). On the face of it a 2-3 hour slot for him to do what he likes isn't unreasonable to me (although is that both Saturday and Sunday?) but it being bang in the middle of the weekend preventing you from doing anything else is a PITA. How many times a week does he really need to go to the gym, not a gym goer myself but surely if he goes every single weekday evening he doesn't then need to go on the weekend as well? Could he not get some home weights and/or go for a run or cycle on a Saturday/Sunday if really essential to get some exercise in?

I do agree that the car is not the issue here so much as equality of relaxation/leisure/hobby time. When is your free time/out of the house time, considering that your DP takes, what, 5 hours at least in the week and 2-3 at the weekend, or more, purely for gym? Is gym his hobby or is it some way necessary for his work to be that fit? You could solve the issue by buying a very cheap runaround old banger car purely to be used for DP's weekend gym runs, or if there is one in your area, use a car share service (zip car/turo etc) just for those times, or DP could even take a taxi to the gym depending on how far it is. But for a non gym goer that does seem a bit excessive just to facilitate a hobby than can surely be partially done from home (waiting for all the gym people now to tell me that's totally ridiculous!)...

We live in a small village so there are no facilities like the gym etc, however we do have a great village hall that puts on events all year around for kids so i do make the most of those but there is only so much we can do. Public transport is an option, although im not so sure how avaiable it is on weekends and i would much rather do some of these things with DP anyway. He doesn't like doing kids activities but thats part of parenting and he should have to suck it up sometimes in my opinion. He goes both sat and sunday so yes i would be fine with him perhaps going on the sunday with his friend and then going early the sat so we could do something together the rest of that day.
Trying not to be outing as if any of my friends read this they will know it's me lol. He does have weights at home which he never uses and he also does go for long bike rides with another friend occasionally on weekends but they always go late at night (after 9ish) which doesn't impact me unless i had plans which i rarely do as i never know what he is doing.
The gym is completely a hobby he doesn't need to be fit for work at all.

My free time is my days off from work that i spend with youngest, i get the cleaning done but we also go out and socialise with my friends who have kids, as much as it is free time from working and i do things i like to do alongside soft play/parks etc like going for a coffee/meal it's not the same when you have a 3 year old with you.
I do rarely go out in the evenings for a meal/drink with friends, this year so far i have been out once.

OP posts:
Original poster
G874 · 14/09/2022 13:37

The work car 100% cannot be used for private use, unless maybe in an emergency. It is tracked and if he used it outside of his work he would be questioned on it.

OP posts:
lostonadustyrock · 14/09/2022 13:41

Erm, this is a grim read. You spend your free time doing chores and childcare and he does the gym, daily, despite having weights at home, and a bike. He also does late night bike rides.

You're being taken for a mug, big time. He has a lovely set up.

Also, I never never never say this but I'm getting massive 'secret second family' vibes here.

This really isn't about the car.

1dontunderstand · 14/09/2022 13:41

You have a massive DH problem!

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 14/09/2022 13:42

"he also does go for long bike rides with another friend occasionally on weekends but they always go late at night (after 9ish)"

He does what? Late night long bike rides you say? 🤔

Northernlight22 · 14/09/2022 13:45

You sure he’s meeting a single friend at the gym …

smileandsing · 14/09/2022 13:46

I think the car is a symptom of a much bigger problem in your relationship, focus on that

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 14/09/2022 13:49

G874 · 14/09/2022 12:46

He certainly could bike but it would be 40 mins each way so not exactly ideal, it would leave the car free for me but then we wouldn't see him for most of the day 😂

WHy not ideal? 40 mins cardio for warm up and cool down? Would cut down on his time in the gym.

in all seriousness though, why does your DH and what he wants to do - and when- each time come above you and the kids? He is walking all over you.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 14/09/2022 13:53

You need to start pushing to do things yourself - keep a cool head, remove any emotion from it and just treat it as a professional problem that you would overcome. He isn't recognising the sacrifices you're making so there is no appreciation of it...which is irrelevant really as you need a life too and his appreciation shouldn't mean much either way. And, to move forward, you can't keep saying 'I don't do this and I don't do that because I never know what he's planned'...purely because it won't change things and you need progress.

Make plans. Arrange a Saturday night/day out out with friends, tell him you're doing it, check which nights will be ok as he'll be there to look after the dcs and then get it in the diary and stick to it.

Start small and manage the situation.

I don't know what to say about the gym every Saturday - it's totally ridiculous and extremely selfish of him if he's going every weeknight too. But again, you need to make a plan and tell him, I'm doing this, I'd like you to come, if not, I need the car anyway and it's happening.

Be straight-forward and keep your emotions in check. Personally, he clearly doesn't deserve you and your dcs as he is unable to put anyone but himself first. But try managing him differently...it might work.

HangOnToYourself · 14/09/2022 13:54

I couldnt be with someone this self centred and unwilling to make compromises

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 14/09/2022 13:56

Could you drop him at the gym or could his friend give him a lift?

StClare101 · 14/09/2022 13:56

So you’ve hitched yourself to a complete wanker. Cool.

Kissingfrogs25 · 14/09/2022 14:00

You got bit a second car tomorrow and agree that only one doesn’t work after a year of trying but that won’t address the issue here

You would be infinitely better off splitting up at least you would have breaks!! And free time, hobbies and a life!

He is unbelievably selfish and has set up his life to suit himself with you doing all of the donkey work. Why have agreed this?

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