AIBU?
Momma bear surfaced
Abbeysmum · 14/09/2022 10:14
My daughter has literally just turned 18 and is on a gap year. She has had for the past 5 years Anorexia and is in recovery. She still lives with demons over food but is relatively weight restored. Ive seen her at such awful times where she eas threatened with section etc.
SO
This is where may have over reacted. Shes got a job at premier inn as well as another shes been doing a year.
So far they give her ths crappy shifts... 3.30 til 9pm and every time we go to get her shes late out
Theres a pervasive atmosphere of bullying and some staff speak to her others dont.
So monday the chef didnt turn up and all hell broke loose... Cust kicking off etc.
So i arriver for her for 9 30pm
9 45pm still not out and called her and shes in teara trying to hand over her checks to someone else.
I went into reception and said im. Mum where
is she. Due to finish work and in tears."
Stony glare from receptionist who said "why is she in tears?
I said i dont know but she dorsnt get paid after 9 30pm so where is she"
@@ came out got in the car and cried.
Ive said its meant to be a gap year job and not make her this miserable.
My husband not @@ dad daid i shouldnt have gone in but know she would have been even later.
So not sure now
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
ChaosMoon · 14/09/2022 10:30
I get it, but if she was struggling with colleagues before it will be a lot worse now. To you, she's still your little girl. But in work, she has to be a grown up. You've made that impossible for her now.
Just think for a moment - how would you feel if your mum turned up at work tomorrow and told your colleagues you were crying?
You're right that the job isn't worth it, but I don't think you did the right thing, at all.
ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 14/09/2022 10:32
Oh god, you went and told her colleagues she's in tears?!
luxxlisbon · 14/09/2022 10:37
Maybe you need to teach her some resilience. Some jobs are hard, sometimes you work for shitty people, sometimes we don’t always get to do what we enjoy in life every day.
Having her mum burst in because she had to do an extra 15 mins is crazy. You’re treating her like a baby.
AbsentinSpring · 14/09/2022 10:38
I'd encourage her to quit. There are plenty of jobs out there where she can build her self esteem.
SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 10:40
Get her out of that godawful job right NOW .
Given your daughter history and she was in tears YES i would have gone in there. I think you were pretty calm tbf
I used to have an apprentice whose mum used to come in periodically with cakes for us all - and i felt she was checking her son was OK, however I got why she would worry her mama bear, so always made her a cuppa - i understand the anxiety of it
Tell her not to go back - she has had bad luck in her first job and there are better places out there for her - this shithouse job has the ability to set her back and ruin her mental health
Roselilly36 · 14/09/2022 10:42
I can see why you were upset, no one wants their child in tears, but she is an adult and it’s her employment. I wouldn’t interfere with my DS’ jobs, they would be very annoyed if I did. Not that I would even consider doing so. Doesn’t sound like this is the job for her, perhaps she can look for another position.
SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 10:42
luxxlisbon · 14/09/2022 10:37
Maybe you need to teach her some resilience. Some jobs are hard, sometimes you work for shitty people, sometimes we don’t always get to do what we enjoy in life every day.
Having her mum burst in because she had to do an extra 15 mins is crazy. You’re treating her like a baby.
This is awful advice.
Yes jobs are hard, but being treated like shit for minimum wage, is NOT a prerequisite
It is all about knowing your worth.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/09/2022 10:43
There has never been a better time to tell your minimum wage employer to go fuck themselves. She can walk into a wide range of similar jobs tomorrow so tell her to express herself fully (on behalf of all those who had to bite their tongue in the past because even shitty jobs were hard to come by).
SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 10:43
Roselilly36 · 14/09/2022 10:42
I can see why you were upset, no one wants their child in tears, but she is an adult and it’s her employment. I wouldn’t interfere with my DS’ jobs, they would be very annoyed if I did. Not that I would even consider doing so. Doesn’t sound like this is the job for her, perhaps she can look for another position.
On the scheme of things, I would agree
But OP daughter sounds vulnerable
Bobbins36 · 14/09/2022 10:44
She’s an adult and having mum fight her battles at work reflects really poorly on her. Please don’t do it, support her with strategies to cope instead .
KarenOLantern · 14/09/2022 10:44
It sounds like an awful job and I would encourage her to quit and find a nicer job.
BUT, you going in and saying what you said is unbelievably embarrassing. She's an adult, and you're treating her like a child in front of her colleagues. If I was her I'd want to hide under a duvet and not come out for a month. I wouldn't be surprised if you've made it worse. As a PP said, you still see her as your little girl, but you're doing her no favours at all by treating her that way at work and expecting her colleagues to treat her like a little girl too.
All you can do is offer support or encourage her to quit. You can't fight her battles for her the way you might have done when she was in primary school.
ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 10:45
I cant believe you done that, Mama bear indeed wtf, how mortifying for your daughter.
luxxlisbon · 14/09/2022 10:45
SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 10:42
This is awful advice.
Yes jobs are hard, but being treated like shit for minimum wage, is NOT a prerequisite
It is all about knowing your worth.
luxxlisbon · 14/09/2022 10:37
Maybe you need to teach her some resilience. Some jobs are hard, sometimes you work for shitty people, sometimes we don’t always get to do what we enjoy in life every day.
Having her mum burst in because she had to do an extra 15 mins is crazy. You’re treating her like a baby.
So you encourage her to update her cv, look for something else, get a reference and move on. It’s how the real world works.
Relying on your mum coming in to shout at your boss and colleagues is not a long term solution in life.
Lilyhatesjaz · 14/09/2022 10:45
I have slightly older children, I would not have gone in at that age and if I had would have said something like she's making me late would not have said she was crying.
However she needs a different job, my DS worked for some time in minimum wage food jobs and was never treated badly usually they are a team. These jobs Can be completely fine if you are working with decent people.
The shifts though are what would be expected, not much 9 to 5 in restaurants.
RudsyFarmer · 14/09/2022 10:45
She’s emotionally fragile, recovering from an eating disorder and doing a job she hates. Personally I would be encouraging her to look elsewhere for work. I don’t think you build resilience in a toxic workplace. That can destroy the most mentally strong people.
Bubblebubblebah · 14/09/2022 10:49
It's hospitality, lots of it is hsit now. What you do is you encourage her to find new job not that you will go and talk to ither staff about her frying and that you are herum!
Fucking hell that's embarrassing. While she is vulnerable, she is an adult and honestly, parents need to back off from workplaces. The amount of 18 year olds we had parents calling their sick days in was astounding.
You are not doing her any favours like this. Just calm down, encourage her and help her find new job. And 3-9 is quite a common shift. I don't know what you expect in 24/7 hotel...
crochetmonkey74 · 14/09/2022 10:50
I understand your protective nature OP but years ago in my first job, I got my mum to talk to the manager about something and I regretted it- i felt humiliated and it did not help my self esteem- teach her how to stick up for herself, not with you doing it BUT I also do understand that if she is feeling very cowed, she might not have been able to tell them she needed to go- so I do see you are in a tricky position
Sophfreddie · 14/09/2022 10:50
My mum did this to me! I was so bloody embarrassed! So yeah don't do it
Reallyreallyborednow · 14/09/2022 10:50
Tell her nothing is worth the stress and she can find another job.
find a small pub where she can waitress or bar staff. Not a chain. It’ll be christmas soon and there’ll be plenty or temp work.
Big lesson I learned was to have about 3 months financial cushion so if work becomes intolerable I can quit and have some time to find something else. Dh is the same.
it’s as much of a lesson learning to know when to leave a bad situation as it is to stick with it.
Talk to her, let her leave, and discuss plans for the rest of the year. She needs something that she enjoys and will build her self esteem. I loved working in a village pub as everyone got to know me, and me them- same customers most days, and most took the time to chat, ask me about my life etc. a little bit of male attention was a boost when I was 18 and because “working” I could justify keeping them at arms length.
SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 10:52
luxxlisbon · 14/09/2022 10:45
So you encourage her to update her cv, look for something else, get a reference and move on. It’s how the real world works.
Relying on your mum coming in to shout at your boss and colleagues is not a long term solution in life.
SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 10:42
This is awful advice.
Yes jobs are hard, but being treated like shit for minimum wage, is NOT a prerequisite
It is all about knowing your worth.
luxxlisbon · 14/09/2022 10:37
Maybe you need to teach her some resilience. Some jobs are hard, sometimes you work for shitty people, sometimes we don’t always get to do what we enjoy in life every day.
Having her mum burst in because she had to do an extra 15 mins is crazy. You’re treating her like a baby.
I agree with your first paragraph
I didn't see the OP say the daughter was relying on her going in - but I can see why she would, given the girls history and tears
luckylavender · 14/09/2022 10:53
Oh God, she's an adult & you went into her workplace. I would never ever do that and I also employ youngsters & if their parents interfered it would be very odd.
Abbeysmum · 14/09/2022 10:53
I would say this is not the only incident. She has been doimg the 2nd job for over a year so is resilient.
Maybe im overprotective cos of whats happened. She was in hospital away from home for 6 months.
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