Momma bear surfaced

[Abbeysmum]

My daughter has literally just turned 18 and is on a gap year. She has had for the past 5 years Anorexia and is in recovery. She still lives with demons over food but is relatively weight restored. Ive seen her at such awful times where she eas threatened with section etc.
SO
This is where may have over reacted. Shes got a job at premier inn as well as another shes been doing a year.
So far they give her ths crappy shifts... 3.30 til 9pm and every time we go to get her shes late out
Theres a pervasive atmosphere of bullying and some staff speak to her others dont.
So monday the chef didnt turn up and all hell broke loose... Cust kicking off etc.
So i arriver for her for 9 30pm
9 45pm still not out and called her and shes in teara trying to hand over her checks to someone else.
I went into reception and said im. Mum where

is she. Due to finish work and in tears."

Stony glare from receptionist who said "why is she in tears?
I said i dont know but she dorsnt get paid after 9 30pm so where is she"

@@ came out got in the car and cried.
Ive said its meant to be a gap year job and not make her this miserable.
My husband not @@ dad daid i shouldnt have gone in but know she would have been even later.
So not sure now

Anyway OP, I think the consensus is for your daughter to find a new role

Be better for her, long term

You need to learn to control yourself if you eant to actually help her, not come in charging and making things worse

So you are not unreasonable to worry about your daughter. You are her mother, and that is normal.
YABU to go in and tell them she's in tears or interfere in any way.
Your job here is to get her to recognise when to say "I'm leaving now" and when to stay for a bit and help her team. When to recognise when she is being exploited and when to say "i quit".

She will need to build up resiliance but she doesn't need to do it in a shitty workplace, perhaps she should start looking for something else?

YABVVVVVVVVU to use the phrase Momma Bear. Stop it.

shes an adult now and you can advise but you should no longer be making the decisions for here. By walking in you went into making the decision for her. You also need to allow her to make mistakes (like staying in a bad job or working an extra hour without pay) she will only learn if she’s allowed to do these things. The job doesn’t sound great but a lot of entry level or low qualification jobs are like this (not saying it’s right but I do feel like these are hard jobs usually for a low wage). It can be good motivation to get more qualifications and good experience if she becomes a manager in the future about how it feels to be on the receiving end of this stuff. If you feel like it’s affecting her mental health you can advise her to leave but that’s it now she’s an adult she makes the decision.

I don't think she should have to learn strategies to cope with an abusive environment especially when your colleagues are shits. There's other jobs out there for this period.

Let her know you support her, that some people are dicks and that there are other jobs.

I started a job where some colleagues I'd never previously met were complete and utter arseholes from day 1 as I got the job over someone they knew internally who had zero experience. Luckily I was much older than your daughter and able to deal with them, if it wasn't a good job and salary It wouldn't have been worth fighting for. I came to know that they had driven others out and were quite proud of it. The same thing happened again a few years later with another new starter, I was on may leave when she was hired over someone our colleagues new and they called her a bitch her first week and said no one wanted her there. She was so lovely and didn't deserve that. Mgt did fuck all.

Stop beating yourself up about this

Other people saying you are over reacting have not been in your shoes - and do not understand the life your daughter, and your family, have lived.

It must have been a very harrowing time, and now, you are very aware of anything that may set you back. Probably hyper vigilant to be fair, but surely this is normal

You are bound to be over protective because of what happened. An 18 year old without your daughters history, would not have the potential to relapse in to a medical condition

Enough abuse now.. Jesus talk about arsey replies
Thanks for complete lack of understanding

You were out of line but she should also be encouraged to leave that place. It's toxic. And one of the things that we need to do is teach our children to recognize bad situations. She's right, this is supposed to be her year to relax and enjoy life.

For what it's worth, people are acting like animals since lockdown so she's not being overly sensitive. She's reacting to abusive behavior.

I am confused which bit is ‘momma bear’ tbh.

She needs to leave. I don’t think you should have gone in and told them she was in tears.

But going into reception and asking where the person you are picking up is not ‘momma bear’

Although the term ‘I went momma bear’ is usually people who baby their grown up children and use them as an excuse to be twat usually. But not something, like going in and asking where she is.

I understand.

I do think people are hammering you unfairly - when they can see you are obviously distressed - ie kicking someone when they are down

Well done, Mumsnet

I don't think you should have gone in, but the job sounds awful even without her having to cope with her own personal issues.
One thing I've learned from my 60 years is that no job is worth feeling bullied and taken advantage of, especially not a low paying job like that. I'd have walked out myself (not at her age - I would just suck it up, but me now would tell me then to go)!

No I agree, I’m not saying the daughter was relying on mum now. Just making the point that if she doesn’t deal with adult/uncomfortable situations herself then she won’t be able to and will rely on her mum if mum is the one always sorting everything for her.

I've been in similar position with my DD on her first apprenticeship. Came out late and got into car in tears. Turns out the widely acknowledged grumpy cow receptionist had had a pop at her. I turned car around and offered to go and set the nasty cow straight (receptionist had refused her holiday request which was for driving test, receptionist is not holiday approver). DD was adamant she didn't want me fighting her battles though. Sometimes it's enough for them to know you're on their side, if they wanted you to step in. However it should be if and when they ask you to.

Appreciate its hard when you want to look after them but learning to deal with w*nkers is ultimately a life skill that will benefit them longer term

Travel lodge is an awful place to work. My DD worked there for a while. No respect or care for them and overworked. I didn't get involved though. They need to learn to deal with it themselves

So far they give her ths crappy shifts... 3.30 til 9pm and every time we go to get her shes late out

Did she agree to those shifts when she started? If it is set hours (as opposed to a rolling early/mid/late shift pattern) then she knew the hours at the start of the job and had the opportunity to turn it down if it didn't suit her.

Secondly, hospitality is not a sector that is known for getting out of the door bang on time every day and your DD should be aware of that and she should also be getting paid until she leaves - does she not clock in/out in some form?

Hell, I work in a supermarket and my contract is 2pm-10pm but I'm never out of the door bang on 10pm because the store closes at 10pm but if people are still in because they ignored the announcements because they think they're special then we have to wait for them to leave. I'd say that as long as I'm out the door by 10.15pm, I call that getting out "on time".

Theres a pervasive atmosphere of bullying and some staff speak to her others dont.

What does this mean? A workplace is just that, as long as other staff are polite and civil to her then they don't have to be her BFFS. It sounds mean written down but where I work we get a lot of young adults come to work for us over the holidays and so many of them don't even last 6weeks as they just leave/don't turn up etc so a lot of colleagues don't really make an effort to get to know them until they've been there a while, and they tend to be covering random shifts so you don't get to see them as regularly as the people you've done the same shifts with for 10 years. Obviously everyone is polite, will help if a new staff member has a question etc but a lot don't go out of our way to be BFFs with all the young ones unless they make an effort.

I went into reception and said im. Mum where is she. Due to finish work and in tears."

Stony glare from receptionist who said "why is she in tears?
I said i dont know but she dorsnt get paid after 9 30pm so where is she"

None of this is going to help your DD at all - firstly the fact that a staff member is calling her mum in tears rather than speaking to other staff members for help is not going to make her look good as there will be processes for what to do in the event of a difficult situation etc.

Secondly, announcing yourself as her mum as though that gives you any authority in the situation will just reflect negatively - yes with your DDs background I can understand your protectiveness but unless all of her colleagues are also aware of it you just come across as one of those parents. Also she is an adult, announcing yourself as her mum just infantalises her as a child in need of mummy coming to rescue her, rather than an adult capable of handling her job herself.

Additionally the receptionist is not a manager so may have had no clue what was going on with the customer DD was dealing with (if it's in a different part of the building etc) so someone just coming in and saying "A staff member is crying and I'm her mum" is going to get an incredulous look from a lot of people - if other staff aren't aware of the situation then they're going to wonder how you know (esp if, as in a lot of hospitality places, staff aren't meant to have their phones on them while they're working even though we all do) and you shouldn't have taken your attitude out on what was probably just another minimum wage staff member.

If you did need to go in then I would have suggested something like "Hi, I'm picking DD up, she was supposed to finish at 9.30pm but it's now 9.45pm can you find out where she is, please?"

I think the OP has bowed out

I totally get why you reacted like this my dc was doing a summer job and having a crap time with being the one give the crap to do and people he worked with being arsy (as knew he was only their temp) and it too all my restraint not to go in and let them have it both barrels. But at 18 no matter what gone before (and assuming this job do not know about your dd past) you have to take that step back. Be there for them guide them listen to them but let them deal with it. Dc hated his job and wanted to quit after a week but we spoke to him broke down each problem and said any job at this level will be crap and its only a stop gap before Uni when after you will be in the position to get the job you actually want.

It's totally understandable for you to worry about her, it really is. BUT, you need to try and control that instinct sometimes for her sake. You won't help her one single bit by going "mama bear" on her colleagues. It will make them see her as an incapable little child in their eyes rather than an adult worthy of respect, and make them respect her even less.

All you can do is try and encourage her to find a better job (and there are PLENTY out there. Minimum wage/unskilled absolutely does not mean having to put up with being treated like crap).

Hell i would have been i there too op if it had of been one of my teens. Tell her to quit, there are so many jobs around for their age groups just now. DS had a couple he wasnt keen on but is now working in an American BBQ & Ribs type place and loves it. Staff are kid and supportive of each other and even though he is earning half what he did in Sainsburys he is much happier.

This is a good work from home starter job

They sound horrible. Did a job like this while at uni and walked out. And also had a much nicer retail job - so they’re not all bad, just need to find the right one. Now is a good time with adverts for Xmas temps. Some of the roles might turn into permanent ones. Have started to see some advertising. Hope she finds somewhere nicer.

Is your username her name?

I have a 19 year old and a 17 year old.

They have both had a number of weekend jobs.

dc had a job in an independant shop. Owner was a nightmare, but it paid very well. At imes I talked him through how to talk to the pwner, not take it personally etc. It was actually a really good time for him in terms of learning what is acceptable behaviour and not, and lead him to drive a hard bargain with the owner at the end to get the hours he wanted for his A level exams.
So it is possible to take a difficulot job and make it work.

dc2 has had 3 jobs. Job 1. Nice place, nice people, easy job, but they refused to stick to her agreed hours and kept giving her evening shifts during the week. So she left. Second job, hard work, hourse consistent, but they never gave them breaks when they shoudl so she left. She now works for Toby Carvery, seems to be a good job, decent people, consistent with hours, and the tips can be amazing. So she has stayed.
Different way of handling bad job.

She needs to do one of the above. By the sound of it, she needs to leave and find another job.

Sounds like she needs to get a new job ASAP which depending on where she lives and what’s available, hopefully won’t be difficult. Help her with that any way that you can: lifts to interviews etc. She deserves a job where she’s not treated like crap.

Massive sympathy to your daughter, she’s had a rough time and is very vulnerable, I can understand why you’re protective of her. But marching in and having a go at her colleagues and telling them she’s been in tears wasn’t the right thing to do. I am a rage crier myself, I really wish I wasn’t, and I don’t want attention drawn to it, certainly don’t want people I work with to know about it. Mortifying.

I don't blame you, OP. INSIST she quit. My daugther was being treated like absolute shit in a waitressing job and she was in tears nearly every day. But she felt like she had to stick it out, as that is what adults do, and she wanted to have the pride of bringing her own money in. But the job was so poorly paid, it wasn't actually paying any bills, more pocket money for her and I pointed out that if they have a choice, adults do not let themselves be treated like crap. At that age, they see quitting as such a deeply negative thing and they definetly do not see their self worth! Some people are not worth working for and that is a good lesson to learn.