Momma bear surfaced

[Abbeysmum]

My daughter has literally just turned 18 and is on a gap year. She has had for the past 5 years Anorexia and is in recovery. She still lives with demons over food but is relatively weight restored. Ive seen her at such awful times where she eas threatened with section etc.
SO
This is where may have over reacted. Shes got a job at premier inn as well as another shes been doing a year.
So far they give her ths crappy shifts... 3.30 til 9pm and every time we go to get her shes late out
Theres a pervasive atmosphere of bullying and some staff speak to her others dont.
So monday the chef didnt turn up and all hell broke loose... Cust kicking off etc.
So i arriver for her for 9 30pm
9 45pm still not out and called her and shes in teara trying to hand over her checks to someone else.
I went into reception and said im. Mum where

is she. Due to finish work and in tears."

Stony glare from receptionist who said "why is she in tears?
I said i dont know but she dorsnt get paid after 9 30pm so where is she"


@@ came out got in the car and cried.
Ive said its meant to be a gap year job and not make her this miserable.
My husband not @@ dad daid i shouldnt have gone in but know she would have been even later.
So not sure now

[beachcitygirl]

Good on you. & fet her to quit that shithole

[BearGryllsDad]

Leave it. Sounds like a shit job. Not worth her time or effort. Plenty of better jobs around.

[TokyoTen]

Unfortunately many jobs in hospitality are like this. My DS was also in a similar position this summer - no way would I have gone in there though because ultimately it makes it worse for them with colleagues. I tried to be supportive at home and use it as an experience.to toughen up a bit. I realise your DD may be more vulnerable though - but no way should you have gone in and spoke to her colleagues. The embarrassment for her!

[JesusChristThatsTastyQuorn]

I totally understand your reaction and yes, whilst your daughter is officially an adult, she's still very young and been through a tough time.

If she were my daughter I'd encourage her to quit - just don't go back. She can get another job and just not mention this one if she doesn't want to use them as a reference; she's young enough to be able to get away with that.

[10HailMarys]

By all means give her advice and encourage her to leave the job and find something else, but it's absolutely not appropriate to go into her place and work and fight her battles.

I realise you're protective of her but really, don't do that. She's YOUR child but she's not A child and she's doing paid work. She's no different from the employees there who are in their 50s - you wouldn't expect their parents to turn up and have a go at the receptionist if they were late out. It's no more OK for you to go and argue with other staff about her hours than it would be for my mum to walk into my office and have a go at our Chief Exec for keeping me in a meeting over lunchtime.

Being 15 minutes late out of work is also not that big a deal and certainly not cause for tears, so maybe she isn't quite ready for a job at the moment? Or perhaps you could help her look for a different type of job - hotels can be really stressful (high staff turnover, complicated rotas, horrible customers etc) for anyone who doesn't like confrontation, unexpected crises and that kind of thing. I hated working in a hotel myself when I was a student, and was much happier working in a friendly little local pub. I completely understand why you're worried and feel you want to look after her but there are more constructive ways. Going into her workplace and having go as if the receptionist is her primary school teacher isn't appropriate and quite infantilising for your adult daughter.

[JustMaggie]

I would have done the same and possibly more if it had been my kid, especially with her history. There are plenty of jobs out there where you can be treated with respect. She doesn't need to stay. "Resilience" my ass. How about teaching her that she is in control of her life and she doesn't need to put up with poor or bad behaviour. She is worth more than that.

[SillySausage21356]

My kids first job was a rubbish job too. So many places treat teenagers like shit and expect them to suck it up

[Carrieonmywaywardsun]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "momma bear" but it sounds like you embarassed her and that will only make her colleagues more hostile towards her thinking she gets her mum to deal with her issues. Either encourage her to find another job or let her deal with this one by herself.

[Calphurnia88]

To give you some constructive advice based on my own experiences:

When I was a similar age to your DD I was in my second (and last) part-time waitressing job. Kitchens are a high stress environment - the film Boiling Point is a VERY accurate depiction - and after a few years I'd had enough. Inconsistent shift patterns, late nights, abrasive colleagues, etc had taken their toll and I was ready for a change.

With customer service experience under my belt I easily got a job working at my local department store. More predictable and less anti-social hours, a much calmer work environment and I even made a few friends whilst I was there as there were a lot of other girls the same age as me working there. I continued to work in shops throughout uni either during term time (at uni) or the holidays (at home).

[SillySausage81]

@JustMaggie

I would have done the same and possibly more if it had been my kid, especially with her history. There are plenty of jobs out there where you can be treated with respect. She doesn't need to stay. "Resilience" my ass. How about teaching her that she is in control of her life and she doesn't need to put up with poor or bad behaviour. She is worth more than that.

Having your mum storm into your workplace and have ago at your colleagues is the opposite of being in control of your life. Encourage your adult kids to seek a better job, talk them through what they need to say to their boss, even do roleplays with them to practice what they’re going to say, whatever, but please, PLEASE don’t go in and embarrass them at work. I’m begging you for their own sake.

[PurpleMarie]

You asked if you were unreasonable. You were ABSOLUTELY unreasonable.

yes she should get a new job but you massively overstepped and should admit that to yourself.

[CalmdownCampers]

Why do people focus on a side issue instead of the main issue. At least 50% of people are not enjoying the use of Momma Bear.
How bloody bizarre that people overfocus on this

OP I am with you - with your daughters history - she is vulnerable and needs someone looking out for her sometimes - if she is in tears, she is not coping well - so you stepped up

Some people have no idea what you are going through. It is no joke to be the parent of a vulnerable teen, when you can see all their peers starting to fly, and you are still having to keep an eye on them

Some teenagers absolutely will sink, without support. People are overly focusing on what is right for an 18 year old without your daughters health issues

They have no clue

[CalmdownCampers]

From the general consensus, most mothers would have sat in the car, expecting her to 'deal with it' like a normal teenager

And then wondering why she ended up relapsing

[CalmdownCampers]

Mothering does not end at 18 and I think some people need to realise that

For some of us, it never ends.

Lucky you, that you do not have to provide continued support, it must be a great place to look down from

and bloody bravo, for making the OP feel like shit

[Inkyblue123]

She’s an adult and you need to stop interfering. However speak to her and encourage her to hand her notice in - nobody gets paid enough for that nonsense. I know that I put up with stuff in my teens and 20s that I would no way tolerate today. But that’s age for you….you live and learn …. But not if your mum does it for you,

[Isaidnoalready]

M&S seem to be good employers try there

[Isaidnoalready]

@CalmdownCampers

From the general consensus, most mothers would have sat in the car, expecting her to 'deal with it' like a normal teenager

And then wondering why she ended up relapsing

Exactly this ^^

When you have a child who has mental health issues or any issues you tend to step forward when others step back because they are still vulnerable

[purplecorkheart]

Even if it was entirely inappropriate for you to go into you daughter's work place in these circumstances what did you expect the poor receptionist do? She is an employee there like your daughter is, at least if you are going to do something like that ask for the right person instead of making someone else's job just a bit more unpleasant.

[Bankcockbabe]

I think you could think about your own wellbeing a bit more here OP too

You are in a high state of anxiety - you can't go on like this throughout her adult life. - and throughout yours

I know it is hard, I have been in a similar situation with vulnerable teen - but as they grow, then they leave home - your anxieties will grow more. Been there done it. It is hard not to, when you know full well the repercussions of the situation are far more reaching than for many

my genuine advice would be try letting her fail a bit more, whilst she is still living under your roof and you can keep an eye, cos in five years time she may have moved out, and then every bump in her road could cause you humungous anxiety cos you wont be there - and anxiety can be life long, trust me i know

Defo swerve her away from this role though - just let her know it is Ok to leave - some jobs are just shit and it is not a reflection of her, we have all had crap jobs where the people are asshats

[TheFallenMadonna]

My daughter is similarly vulnerable, and while I don't think I would have responded in the same way as you, I would certainly have wanted to. With my son I wouldn't even have thought about it. Some people need more support. It's how to provide that appropriately that's hard to navigate with young adult offspring.

[Heathershimmerwasmyshade]

Mama bear? God that’s cringing 😬

[SleeplessInEngland]

@CalmdownCampers

From the general consensus, most mothers would have sat in the car, expecting her to 'deal with it' like a normal teenager

And then wondering why she ended up relapsing

No, most mothers would have waited till she came in the car then had a frank discussion about leaving.

Embarrassing your adult child in front of colleagues just makes a bad situation worse. I suspect the OP thought she'd get a flurry of "Well Done!!" replies but life isn't a movie.

[Bankcockbabe]

@SleeplessInEngland

No, most mothers would have waited till she came in the car then had a frank discussion about leaving.

Embarrassing your adult child in front of colleagues just makes a bad situation worse. I suspect the OP thought she'd get a flurry of "Well Done!!" replies but life isn't a movie.

Yes and in a movie, a person who is clearly struggling - may hope for some support......

but we aren't in a movie, we are in the intolerant medium of Mumsnet

[SleeplessInEngland]

@Bankcockbabe

Yes and in a movie, a person who is clearly struggling - may hope for some support......

but we aren't in a movie, we are in the intolerant medium of Mumsnet

It's weird how many people are insisting a terrible day at work is somehow made better by your parent storming in and telling your colleagues that you've been crying.

You can bet they'd absolutely hate it as the 18 year old.

[ChaosMoon]

There seems to be a weird interpretation that DMs who wouldn't embarrass their kids also wouldn't help them.

The fact is that OP could have gone in and said there was a family emergency so DD needed to leave straight away. Or any other excuse that didn't involve telling a receptionist that her DD had been crying.

I completely understand why the OP did what she did, I just don't think that makes it the right thing to do.

But of course her DD needs to leave. There are very few posters who disagree that she should be helped to do so.