Momma bear surfaced

[Abbeysmum]

My daughter has literally just turned 18 and is on a gap year. She has had for the past 5 years Anorexia and is in recovery. She still lives with demons over food but is relatively weight restored. Ive seen her at such awful times where she eas threatened with section etc.
SO
This is where may have over reacted. Shes got a job at premier inn as well as another shes been doing a year.
So far they give her ths crappy shifts... 3.30 til 9pm and every time we go to get her shes late out
Theres a pervasive atmosphere of bullying and some staff speak to her others dont.
So monday the chef didnt turn up and all hell broke loose... Cust kicking off etc.
So i arriver for her for 9 30pm
9 45pm still not out and called her and shes in teara trying to hand over her checks to someone else.
I went into reception and said im. Mum where

is she. Due to finish work and in tears."

Stony glare from receptionist who said "why is she in tears?
I said i dont know but she dorsnt get paid after 9 30pm so where is she"


@@ came out got in the car and cried.
Ive said its meant to be a gap year job and not make her this miserable.
My husband not @@ dad daid i shouldnt have gone in but know she would have been even later.
So not sure now

[SillySausage81]

@Abbeysmum

Well update.... Im glad it came to a head as she went in the next day and said all the issues that are going on.
I had spoken to her at length.,discussed several times her leaving done all the things everyone has stated i should do and she wouldnt quit cos.... She was too scared to speak to the line manager who she feels she cant approach.
My daughter is very tough and reailient she certainly is no shrinking violet and very rarely cries. For her to be in tears it was something major...i saw how utterly shit scared she was going to work so yeh i went in and no i wasnt awful to the receptionist.
No she didnt agree to the hours they gave her again getting an 18 year old to stand her ground isnt easy.
Shes been asking for training in th other areas of ths reception and not been shown then gets snapped at when she doesnt know what to do.
Shes front of house at her other job and hasnt ever shirked her responsibility and is highly thought of
Again my username is NOT her name as i was asked and i already felt like i was hasty without all the abuse on here
Finally when a senior manager yesterday in her 30s also bursts into tears cos of the stress i feel its not just my oversensitive daughter as some of you have tried to portay her.

That sounds absolutely horrendous. Honestly, if she doesn't want to speak to the manager to hand in her notice, tell her to email it in, or even quit without notice. There are plenty of similar jobs around at the moment, and many that are SO MUCH nicer where she will actually be treated with respect.

[Calphurnia88]

@Abbeysmum

CalmdownCampers
Thanks for the support.... Why the hell i ever joined mn i dont know
Not supportive atmosphere at all so will be leaving.
Dont mind advice but the judgemental comments wow

MN can be supportive place, but occasionally there is a pile-on which is completely unwarranted, usually in the trending threads. I just assume these people are bored and spoiling for a fight.

Again I would strongly encourage your DD to look for employment outside of hospitality. It's a high stress environment, and this unfortunately rubs off on many aspects of the job. I was so much happier and well rested (better shifts) when I moved to retail at 18.

Finally, having also had experience with ED, let me tell you that you sound like a great mum. Your daughter is lucky to have you x

[cestmoi222]

Good for you Abbeysmum

Ignore the negativity on here. Your explanation about the background makes it absolutely clear that you were right to act as you did. That's a toxic environment and your daughter and probably other young people are being exploited, badly managed and bullied. It's wrong and it's very damaging. Your daughter has given it s good shot and it's time now for her to move on. It's good that she at least has the experience in the other job so she knows that not all job situations are like the shitty one she is in at Premier Inn. There seem to be plenty of vacancies in the hospitality market at the moment so just encourage her to jack it in and get a better role elsewhere.

[Abbeysmum]

CalmdownCampers
Thanks for the support.... Why the hell i ever joined mn i dont know
Not supportive atmosphere at all so will be leaving.
Dont mind advice but the judgemental comments wow

[Abbeysmum]

Again read what i put

[Abbeysmum]

OnaBegonia did you actually read what i put???

[Bubblebubblebah]

Tbh most of the people didn't have issue with your daughter crying (frnkly many of us in hospitality did out of frustration) but with your involvment and they way you did it.

[FredrikaPeri]

Oh just read your update op. Good for her!!

[FredrikaPeri]

I can completely imagine how you felt @Abbeysmum it must be horrendous having to deal with your girl having anorexia. Well done to her for getting through it & finding work in the first place! There are plenty of much lazier teens who don't bother.

I think if I were you I'd just move on & tell her that life is as much about learning from the things that go wrong as it is being pleased/proudl/thankful for the things that go well.

I'd also suggest she leave and look for another job!

Good luck

[OnaBegonia]

Momma Bear, horrible phrase.
OP doesn't mention why daughter is in tears yet storms in.
Hospitality isn't the job for the feint hearted, lots of pressure and hassle.

[Abbeysmum]

Well update.... Im glad it came to a head as she went in the next day and said all the issues that are going on.
I had spoken to her at length.,discussed several times her leaving done all the things everyone has stated i should do and she wouldnt quit cos.... She was too scared to speak to the line manager who she feels she cant approach.
My daughter is very tough and reailient she certainly is no shrinking violet and very rarely cries. For her to be in tears it was something major...i saw how utterly shit scared she was going to work so yeh i went in and no i wasnt awful to the receptionist.
No she didnt agree to the hours they gave her again getting an 18 year old to stand her ground isnt easy.
Shes been asking for training in th other areas of ths reception and not been shown then gets snapped at when she doesnt know what to do.
Shes front of house at her other job and hasnt ever shirked her responsibility and is highly thought of
Again my username is NOT her name as i was asked and i already felt like i was hasty without all the abuse on here
Finally when a senior manager yesterday in her 30s also bursts into tears cos of the stress i feel its not just my oversensitive daughter as some of you have tried to portay her.

[Abbeysmum]

O its not

[washingbasketqueen]

Hospitality is renowned for this. I rarely got out on time and before I could drive I would ask my parents to pick me up 30 minutes after my shift ended as it was too stressful knowing someone was waiting on me. I think you were right to go in but perhaps been more composed about it as I would've been embarrassed (at 18) if my mum told my colleagues I was crying .

[SillySausage81]

@CalmdownCampers

Mothering does not end at 18 and I think some people need to realise that

For some of us, it never ends.

Lucky you, that you do not have to provide continued support, it must be a great place to look down from

and bloody bravo, for making the OP feel like shit

And no one is saying she shouldn't be mothering her daughter. Just that mothering has to take different forms as your child grows up. There are all sorts of ways of supporting a teenager who's having a hard time at work without making the situation much worse by storming in and embarrassing them in front of their colleagues by treating them like a child and telling their colleagues they've been crying.

It is completely understandable that the OP did it, on the spur of the moment when she was already anxious and emotions were running high. But I hope she can now recognise that it wasn't the best course of action and that in future she might be able to help her daughter better by getting her own emotions under control. But OP does have an excuse. The pps sitting here in the cold light of day insisting they would also storm into their adult child's job and humiliate them, I am begging you to reconsider if you're ever in that situation. All you will achieve is getting their colleagues to lose respect for them. I honestly think it would genuinely be better to just walk out of the job without a word than have your mum come in to fight your battle as though you're still in primary school.

[melj1213]

@JustMaggie

I would have done the same and possibly more if it had been my kid, especially with her history. There are plenty of jobs out there where you can be treated with respect. She doesn't need to stay. "Resilience" my ass. How about teaching her that she is in control of her life and she doesn't need to put up with poor or bad behaviour. She is worth more than that.

And how is having a go at another staff member on your child's behalf respectful of them? The other staff member may have no clue about the Dd's vulnerability, where I work it would be breach of confidentiality to inform any staff members of another person's personal information, including medical history.

The receptionist the OP spoke to is probably just another employee - as opposed to being a supervisor or manager - so why is it OK to do "the same and possibly more" when that means having a go at said employee for something she a) probably wasn't aware of and b) had no control over?

I work in customer service and I have had people come and scream/shout/be rude to me because they have an issue with another staff member or the store in general. I have done nothing personally to them but they take their frustration out on me as I am the face of the company. If a young colleague's mother came in to my store and copped an attitude with me because their child was in tears and should have finished already then they would get short shrift from me as a) I don't control when people leave and I'm not psychic so I can't tell you what is happening elsewhere in the building, if a colleague is crying in the warehouse I don't know about it unless someone tells me.

[Sceptre86]

I'd have been inclined to do the same thing but you haven't helped her in the long run. I'd quit that job if I was her and try somewhere else

[steppemum]

@SleeplessInEngland

It's weird how many people are insisting a terrible day at work is somehow made better by your parent storming in and telling your colleagues that you've been crying.

You can bet they'd absolutely hate it as the 18 year old.

exactly

[steppemum]

@CalmdownCampers

From the general consensus, most mothers would have sat in the car, expecting her to 'deal with it' like a normal teenager

And then wondering why she ended up relapsing

You do know that there are 101 things that you do without storming in to the workplace?

1. When she phoned, talk her through leaving, getting out, give her phrase she could use, let her know it is Ok to leave, and that you will be there to pick her up
2. Go into reception to 'pick her up' so she knows you are there, but don't embarrass her
3. Give her love. hugs and support when she comes out, if necessary sit up with her talking half the night
4. Talk to her frankly about the job. Tell her why you think it would be a good idea to leave and that it is ok to chuck in a bad job, but let her know it is her choice.
5. If necessary help her draft an email etc to say she is leaving, but it still comes from her.

and so on and so on.
There are so many ways of giving strong support while still allowing her to be an adult at work.

and I have a teen with mental health issues

[ChaosMoon]

There seems to be a weird interpretation that DMs who wouldn't embarrass their kids also wouldn't help them.

The fact is that OP could have gone in and said there was a family emergency so DD needed to leave straight away. Or any other excuse that didn't involve telling a receptionist that her DD had been crying.

I completely understand why the OP did what she did, I just don't think that makes it the right thing to do.

But of course her DD needs to leave. There are very few posters who disagree that she should be helped to do so.

[SleeplessInEngland]

@Bankcockbabe

Yes and in a movie, a person who is clearly struggling - may hope for some support......

but we aren't in a movie, we are in the intolerant medium of Mumsnet

It's weird how many people are insisting a terrible day at work is somehow made better by your parent storming in and telling your colleagues that you've been crying.

You can bet they'd absolutely hate it as the 18 year old.

[Bankcockbabe]

@SleeplessInEngland

No, most mothers would have waited till she came in the car then had a frank discussion about leaving.

Embarrassing your adult child in front of colleagues just makes a bad situation worse. I suspect the OP thought she'd get a flurry of "Well Done!!" replies but life isn't a movie.

Yes and in a movie, a person who is clearly struggling - may hope for some support......

but we aren't in a movie, we are in the intolerant medium of Mumsnet

[SleeplessInEngland]

@CalmdownCampers

From the general consensus, most mothers would have sat in the car, expecting her to 'deal with it' like a normal teenager

And then wondering why she ended up relapsing

No, most mothers would have waited till she came in the car then had a frank discussion about leaving.

Embarrassing your adult child in front of colleagues just makes a bad situation worse. I suspect the OP thought she'd get a flurry of "Well Done!!" replies but life isn't a movie.

[Heathershimmerwasmyshade]

Mama bear? God that’s cringing 😬

[TheFallenMadonna]

My daughter is similarly vulnerable, and while I don't think I would have responded in the same way as you, I would certainly have wanted to. With my son I wouldn't even have thought about it. Some people need more support. It's how to provide that appropriately that's hard to navigate with young adult offspring.

[Bankcockbabe]

I think you could think about your own wellbeing a bit more here OP too

You are in a high state of anxiety - you can't go on like this throughout her adult life. - and throughout yours

I know it is hard, I have been in a similar situation with vulnerable teen - but as they grow, then they leave home - your anxieties will grow more. Been there done it. It is hard not to, when you know full well the repercussions of the situation are far more reaching than for many

my genuine advice would be try letting her fail a bit more, whilst she is still living under your roof and you can keep an eye, cos in five years time she may have moved out, and then every bump in her road could cause you humungous anxiety cos you wont be there - and anxiety can be life long, trust me i know

Defo swerve her away from this role though - just let her know it is Ok to leave - some jobs are just shit and it is not a reflection of her, we have all had crap jobs where the people are asshats