Do you forgive and forget things that people say to you in anger during and argument ?

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Just pondering on this today.

I find it really difficult to forget insults I have received in an argument and I never forget them.

I've been called some nasty things by husband, mother in law, sister in law. They then say they didn't mean it because they were angry at the time. But I think it's their true opinion of me actually surfacing.

I'm sure I have been guilty of doing it to other people too. Where do you stand on it ? Do you just forgive and forget ? If your mother in law called you crazy during an argument or if your husband called you lazy or whatever ?

I agree people say things in the heat of the moment but those comments have to come from somewhere…
but if it’s a one off and someone is genuinely sorry I think I could move past it but repeat comments then blaming being angry I wouldn’t put up with.

as I’ve got older I’m a lot less tolerant of the people I chose to have in my life and it’s liberating

It depends on what the insults are. It's easier to forgive being called a cunt or something like that than it is a more personal insult about my appearance or habits or behaviour. "Cunt" is just a general insult used when someone can't think of a valid line of attack. "Boring" or making a comment about someone's teeth for example is more personal and probably does reflect someone's true opinion.

Dotjones - I agree, generic insulting matter how bad on the scale are just a way of expressing frustration. Anything personal I find hard to forget as I would think they reflect their true opinion which they usually wouldn't say to save your feelings (or to save them getting into hassle).

It depends on what the insult is and how it’s phrased. If someone said I was driving them max because I never did the washing up etc I’d probably reflect and think if that was a fair criticism. But if someone called me an ugly bitch or something really personal I’d assume they always thought that of me not that it was a heat of the moment thing.

That said, I don’t think it’s normal to be having arguments with your husband, SIL, MIL etc and probably be looking at what the common denominator is there.

Agree with dotjones, a generic insult yes, a targeted insult, no I wouldn't really forgive or forget. That's not to say I couldnt move on and still have a relationship with that person though. Thing is, when you choose to say something really horrible to a person, you are choosing to sacrifice a bit of your relationship with that person for a bit of satisaction in that moment. And you can't undo that choice later.

This is something I'm struggling with atm. A close family member said some bloody awful things in anger and I can't move past it. It's broken me!

Like previous posters have said, a generic name calling or whatever I can shrug off.

My husband does it all the time. I'm finding it hard to forget

I don't forgive or forget. I don't buy that people 'didn't mean it' when they say horrible things. They didn't say it by accident did they? I'd be civil to them but I wouldn't trust them.

No, I don't. If someone says horrible things about me, they either, i) mean it, or ii) are saying it on purpose to hurt me. Either way, that's not someone I want to spend time with.

I feel like this. I can never forget or trust them.

Swearing words- I would struggle as it shows disrespectful attitude towards me.

personal comments e.g lazy I would look on circumstances it might be true in some way so I would look at how it was worded.
In general I have good memory and don’t tend to forget words, it’s just the way I’m.
I would be ok with DH saying something hurtful to me during the argument then coming to me with apology and having calm conversation about where it came from. And then if it’s not happening again I would never raise/remember it myself, but if it happens again it triggers all the memories. It just how my mind works.

It depends if someone said ‘oh my god you are such a twat’ I could forgive and forget that. Its a fairly generic thing people say.

But somethings cross the line. My ex partner during an arugument told me he was glad my exh cheated on and he didn’t believe exh raped me. He told me he was only with me because I earn a lot of money. I don’t believe that sort of things comes from nowhere. I couldn’t move past it. There’s no coming back from that.

I don’t,
Thankfully it’s a long time but when we were teenagers my sister would get angry she’d throw everything she could at me (verbally) in an argument, bring up stuff I’d confided in her - anything at all to be as hurtful as possible

I really resented that I was supposed to just accept an “I’m sorry” and then forget all about it.

(we get on great now - and looking back I do believe she was sorry afterwards , but I just don’t think I’d accept it from an adult in my life now )

@Andromachehadabadday It’s so awful, even half of it was impossible to come back from. Sorry that you’ve experienced this. karma will get him if not already.

This sums it up perfectly for me

Yes, people say “I lose my temper but two minutes later I’ve forgotten about it”.They may have forgotten but the victim of the temper outburst won’t have done.

Insults, do you mean name calling? What type of name calling?

Adults hurling insults - on a regular basis - during a disagreement, stems from a bigger problem that the insult itself ....so the problem is no longer the problem, it is something else

no I would not forget - but I could forgive in some circumstances.

I think people do say things in anger however if they are prepared to accept they have done wrong and apologise and never EVER act like it again, i can move on - but if the insult is ever repeated, I would steam roller them

I would accept an apology, and I would raise it with them. If this behaviour continued, I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with them

OH that is awful that he behaved like that

Glad you are away from him now

I think I'm good at forgiving and forgetting a specific disagreement and things said in anger. But I'm talking about a very rare event. You say your husband does it all the time. That's completely different. It's not about being hard or unforgiving, it's about expecting a certain level of respect from your partner. It's not about specific insults (whether generic or personal or whatever), it's about having reasonable expectations to be treated fairly and civilly in your own home.

I forgive but I don’t forget. Anyone can say something wrong or say something in the heat of the moment but if it part of a larger pattern of behaviour that affects my well being then I have to put some distance between us.

As others have said, I'll forgive very easily if it was a generic insult in a heated argument. Anything personal, I'm inclined to think that's what the person actually thinks of me - and if it's not a justified criticism, I won't forgive and forget.

I've become less tolerant of it as I've gotten older. Used to excuse stuff like my mother saying I ruined her life and she wished I'd never been born as her being angry or drunk or feeling sad about missed life opportunities. Now I can still understand the feelings but I think it's inexcusable to express them to the child in question during an argument (and I was very much a child when she started saying stuff like that).

Also I think for me, I know that when I've said something horrible in anger (v rarely!), I've meant it. It's not something I would have said normally, but I definitely meant it. So I suppose that informs/colours my view of other people doing it.

That said, I don’t think it’s normal to be having arguments with your husband, SIL, MIL etc and probably be looking at what the common denominator is there

totally depends on the individual, the family and family dynamics, they are all so different.

I agree with others about generic versus specific insults.
But I would not want to be with someone who throws a lot of generic insults either!

I remember early on in our marriage dh and I argued and I called him a specific insult. He was really hurt. Afterwards we talked about it and both said that was not right and not helpful. If there is an issue, then we should say it at a calm time. Throwing stuff out in the middle of an arugument is frankly not behaving like an adult. We both make an effort not to do it now, although we don;t actually argue much anyway. It is actually surprisingly easy to bite your tongue and have some sefl control. And it is a mark of respect to the other person that you take that effort.

I don't buy that people 'didn't mean it' when they say horrible things

it can be heat of moment but as others said it totally depends on what was said. Difference between called a cunt as to ''you only ever married me for the cash/ you are failing as a parent etc.''

The latter being much harder to forgive as it's right a personal dig rather than a general one. What I never buy though is 'I/he/she was drunk, it was the drink talking.'

That's bollox and a cop out if they make really personal digs. The alcohol cannot excuse it.