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Original poster

Do you forgive and forget things that people say to you in anger during and argument ?

80 replies

FEF · 14/09/2022 09:33

Just pondering on this today.

I find it really difficult to forget insults I have received in an argument and I never forget them.

I've been called some nasty things by husband, mother in law, sister in law. They then say they didn't mean it because they were angry at the time. But I think it's their true opinion of me actually surfacing.

I'm sure I have been guilty of doing it to other people too. Where do you stand on it ? Do you just forgive and forget ? If your mother in law called you crazy during an argument or if your husband called you lazy or whatever ?

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 14/09/2022 12:15

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 12:11

Forgiveness is the secret of any successful relationship

the problem with forgiveness though is that it is only ever needed when the behaviour is unforgivable.

That makes no sense at all, by definition.

AltheaVestr1t · 14/09/2022 12:22

I think this is all about balance. E.g I have had exactly one row with best friend of 20 years, alcohol fuelled and sparked by stressful circumstances. Some cruel things were said on both sides but this is a tiny pebble on the seesaw weighted by many, many years of loving support on both sides. Therefore, it was easy to forgive and forget. Someone who was regularly losing it and saying unkind things, I imagine the seesaw would quickly tip the other way, and at this point it's best to call it a day because the relationship has ceased to be a benefit to you.

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 12:45

*Forgiveness is the secret of any successful relationship

the problem with forgiveness though is that it is only ever needed when the behaviour is unforgivable.

That makes no sense at all, by definition*

yes it does make sense;it simply means that if forgiveness is needed the act is usually very grave. Be it in the case of James Bulger, Ian Huntley etc. The families can never forgive which is understandable yet we still live in a world where we are told to always forgive yet when we need to for our own sanity it's impossible to do.

I know these are extreme examples but in a relationship likewise an affair or demoestic violence or even cases of sexual assault you hear of on mn from partners- they are all so grave that for many they aren't really forgivable ever. Again this is in a society who so quickly preaches to forgive.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/09/2022 12:46

I don’t know about forgiving, but somethings aren’t easily forgotten.

It was decades ago, but my DM once called me ‘evil’ - and believe me, I hadn’t said or done anything to remotely warrant that word.

I can shrug it off now, but I doubt I’ll ever forget it, or stop wondering how she could ever have said such a thing to her own dd. I can’t begin to imagine ever saying that to my own dds.
DM is long gone now so I can’t ask her, and probably never would anyway, since she’d blame me for upsetting her by bringing it up at all!

beachcitygirl · 14/09/2022 12:52

Generic insult/swearing - yes easy to move on.

Targeted personal insult - never

TheLeadbetterLife · 14/09/2022 13:04

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 12:45

*Forgiveness is the secret of any successful relationship

the problem with forgiveness though is that it is only ever needed when the behaviour is unforgivable.

That makes no sense at all, by definition*

yes it does make sense;it simply means that if forgiveness is needed the act is usually very grave. Be it in the case of James Bulger, Ian Huntley etc. The families can never forgive which is understandable yet we still live in a world where we are told to always forgive yet when we need to for our own sanity it's impossible to do.

I know these are extreme examples but in a relationship likewise an affair or demoestic violence or even cases of sexual assault you hear of on mn from partners- they are all so grave that for many they aren't really forgivable ever. Again this is in a society who so quickly preaches to forgive.

The act doesn't need to be grave for forgiveness to apply, and the pp was clearly not referring to things like James Bulger, that's a ridiculous example.

I doubt the pp was referring to violence or infidelity either. There are all kinds of small things one forgives and forgets every day.

Your statement doesn't make sense because you seem to think the only things which require forgiveness are unforgivable, so obviously it's a catch 22.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/09/2022 13:16

I think never a truer word is spoken in anger. And I can neither forgive nor forget.

CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 14/09/2022 13:40

OP,
It would depend what was said and the context.

However, I would say that when someone is either drunk or really angry, that's when the filters come off, and what comes out of their mouth is usually the truth.

And I would deal with it appropriately.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2022 13:43

It depends, my DH has never called my names or anything like that though when argued and I've never argued with my in laws

TheWernethWife · 14/09/2022 16:31

I neither forgive or forget, that's the way it is. Too old to take shit from people.

MassiveSalad22 · 14/09/2022 16:33

Nah, if you didn’t think it you wouldn’t say it. Or at least, you’d be stupid to say it. Especially to someone’s face in an argument. So whether they meant what they said or not, my opinion of them would plummet and I’d think a lot worse of them.

RonObvious · 14/09/2022 16:37

No. I don't really have arguments with people though. If someone got angry with me and started throwing insults then I would definitely rethink my boundaries with them. Life's too short to have people around you that you can't trust. The people I have around me would hate to think that they had upset me - and vice versa me with them.

Mindfulofmuddle · 14/09/2022 16:43

This is common practice in DHs family, and if you don't forgive anything that is said 'in anger' it's you who are weird, apparently. I have plenty of faults, but I don't say things to people in anger, that I don't mean, and expect them to just forgive me because I've stopped being angry. It's free reign to completely lose control and say awful things to people and then blame it on them when you wish you hadn't said it. It's abusive in my opinion.

Original poster
FEF · 14/09/2022 16:45

Mindfulofmuddle · 14/09/2022 16:43

This is common practice in DHs family, and if you don't forgive anything that is said 'in anger' it's you who are weird, apparently. I have plenty of faults, but I don't say things to people in anger, that I don't mean, and expect them to just forgive me because I've stopped being angry. It's free reign to completely lose control and say awful things to people and then blame it on them when you wish you hadn't said it. It's abusive in my opinion.

100 percent agree

OP posts:
Jaffacats · 14/09/2022 16:46

It depends on what kind of insults and whether the insults are accurate. Is it happening after alcohol/drugs are taken? Is the person ill/grieving/in crisis? As isolated one offs in the heat of an argument or pressured situation it’s easier to forgive and sort of forget. If it keeps happening then yes it could be what they actually think of you and harder to deal with. Or, it could be a way of hitting out and is more a reflection of them.

Original poster
FEF · 14/09/2022 16:47

@Mindfulofmuddle it's different if someone calls you a dickhead or idiot ( like others have said ) but it they call you a personal insult- like lazy, or arrogant or crazy etc than that's definitely what they actually think of you.

OP posts:
Forzatesoro · 14/09/2022 16:58

Years ago my now exDH (boyfriend at the time)called me an 'anal psycho' after I mentioned something about how I pack the cupboards in my own house.

Looking back it was a slippery slope and very telling of his attitude towards me.

Unfortunately my response at the time was to apologise for upsetting him. I've learned the very hard way that personal insults are exactly that; and I'm judging them for how they speak to me when I'd not dream of doing it myself.

Boundaries much better now but I was probably over sensitive about it for a long time

Mindfulofmuddle · 14/09/2022 17:17

Yes @FEF I agree. Calling someone an idiot or whatever in a row, is completely different from attacking their personality, physicality or saying you hate them. If I love someone, or care about them, I don't tell them I hate them or say horribly offensive things to them when I am angry - I guess because that isn't how I feel about them, whether I'm angry or not. I also don't want to deliberately hurt them, even when I am angry.
I think this behaviour either shines a light on someone's true feeling, or their method of venting their anger is to take pleasure in causing pain to someone else.

Subaru4336 · 14/09/2022 17:33

My husband regularly used to call me a pyscho because I did used to suffer quite badly with PMT. I still feel labelled as that now.

Warmhandscoldheart · 14/09/2022 17:46

I don't forgive or forget, I remember and change.
Remember what they said and the way they said it.
Then change my behaviour and attitude towards them as necessary.
People who insult me will never be trusted or respected again

KILM · 14/09/2022 17:47

If im honest, and i know people will disagree, i think people who throw out personal insults like this during arguments are thick and do not respect or love you at all.
I know, i know.
But if you are arguing over something, like 'you've quit your job again and we're going to struggle to pay rent'
'How could you be so stupid' would be acceptable said in anger but someone saying 'you stupid fucking cunt' like... your relationship as you know it is over, they have to really THINK to throw out bile like that, they feel like you deserve to be hurt so personally and cruelly? Nahhhhh. There's plenty to be said during an argument that ISNT this shit, and i just think it means the person is retaliating like an animal and isnt smart enough to realise thats not a bloody constructive thing to do to solve a dispute.

ddl1 · 14/09/2022 17:56

Depends what they are. 'Crazy' I could probably put behind me, as it's usually used metaphorically. 'Lazy'- possibly not so easily. I have some visual processing and co-ordination difficulties, and if someone who knows me treats my resulting difficulty in doing certain tasks and noticing certain things as 'just not bothering' or 'expecting too much help from others', I find it devastatingly hurtful and find it hard to get over the pain. it's not so much 'not forgiving' the person, as no longer feeling safe with the person, but I suppose it sometimes comes to the same thing.

Kellie45 · 14/09/2022 18:38

beachcitygirl · 14/09/2022 12:52

Generic insult/swearing - yes easy to move on.

Targeted personal insult - never

I take it you have never moved on since you were a kid?

Kellie45 · 14/09/2022 18:39

Someone has said that bearing a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

EmmaH2022 · 14/09/2022 18:47

Depends what it is
if I think someone really meant a personal insult, no, I'd not forgive. I'll keep the peace for practical reasons.

like Taylor Swift, I believe you can move on without forgiving or forgetting, it doesn't have to mean you think about it all day. You just move on, but when you are reminded of it, it's like no, I don't forgive. Meh. Casual shrug.

for the fans...I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put em 😂

I don't have much experience of this though. I'm not argumentative. I have ordered my parents out of my home for trying to pick a fight. They never did that again. Took them a while to forgive me 😂