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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you forgive and forget things that people say to you in anger during and argument ?

80 replies

FEF · 14/09/2022 09:33

Just pondering on this today.

I find it really difficult to forget insults I have received in an argument and I never forget them.

I've been called some nasty things by husband, mother in law, sister in law. They then say they didn't mean it because they were angry at the time. But I think it's their true opinion of me actually surfacing.

I'm sure I have been guilty of doing it to other people too. Where do you stand on it ? Do you just forgive and forget ? If your mother in law called you crazy during an argument or if your husband called you lazy or whatever ?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 14/09/2022 10:41

If your husband is regularly calling you names and insulting you then it’s time to get rid of the husband because that’s neither normal nor acceptable in a relationship. Why would you forgive and forget somebody who is supposed to love and care for you regularly and deliberately bullying and hurting you?

Maybe I’m just very lucky but I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone in my life who called me nasty names in anger or otherwise. My mum said I was being lazy once many years ago, but she was right, I was being lazy. A former friend said I was a crap friend and, in hindsight, they were probably right about that too, to some extent. But regular fights and arguments and name calling other those around me has just never featured in my life at all.

Cats23 · 14/09/2022 10:45

I am guilty of holding on to things and not forgeting!
My DF said something years ago in anger ,it was about me being unmarried to the father of my children- which not only was hurtful to me but towards my children too.
I won't forget it nor forgive.
I do however still speak to my DF no problem ect.

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 10:47

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.

FinallyHere · 14/09/2022 10:56

But I think it's their true opinion of me actually surfacing.

I agree that it is the true opinion, even if, especially if, said in anger

I wouldn't want to spend any time with someone who insulted me. Nor would I be interested in building or continuing a life together.

It's always simpler to say thing like that if you are not involved. That's because you can see more clearly as a stranger.

CatchersAndDreams · 14/09/2022 10:59

Until I was in an abusive relationship I would have said insults or swearing in an argument wouldn't have bothered me. Then I got married... exh was vile to me in rows, insults, using things I had told him about my past against me to hurt me, absolutely awful things. It wasn't normal his level of spite. I don't know if I could deal with an argument with general swearing or insults again as I'm still pretty traumatised from abusive arguments.

I think any level of spite or venom from anyone would have me running for the hills now.

AuntieMarys · 14/09/2022 10:59

I never forgive. Or forget

Boxowine · 14/09/2022 11:02

No

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2022 11:08

I wouldn't say anything to dh (or anyone else in a argument) that I didn't mean and I expect the same back. If you can't win an argument without resorting to nasty jibes you shouldn't be in the argument in the first place!

LindaEllen · 14/09/2022 11:11

I always think people say what they really think in the heat of the moment, because they're too worked up to have the tact not to say things.

So it very much depends on what's said, and what they say about it afterwards.

DP's brother said some horrible things about him during an argument recently, and it was obvious these resentments had been building up for a very long time. That's hard to forgive (particularly when some of the comments he made were based on untrue information from other siblings).

EVHead · 14/09/2022 11:17

I grew up in a household where only my DF was allowed to express anger, so I never “have arguments” with people. I get panicky around people arguing, even when I’m not involved!

My ex used to shout and swear when he was angry, but he never called me anything bad. But I couldn’t forgive the anger. DD and I walked on eggshells all the time, even though the outbursts were rare. I got us out of that situation and thankfully DD is a more assertive young woman than I ever was, and can handle conflict well.

hyperspacebug · 14/09/2022 11:20

Given my husband has never said a single malicious mean thing to me in the last 20 yrs, I get a big shock when someone blurts disrespectfulness out of pettiness, because it's quite rare.

My dad called me self-centred, but to be fair I do have moments of being so, even if it stings a bit. I've been called lazy - but again, I'm not well known for being a doer who keeps word, so if I am ok with beating myself about being lazy...so I wouldn't be surprised if my disorganisation is a secret butt of jokes.

I did have a friend who lashed out at me for not being there for her, but she did so by torching friendship and threatening to dump me. It wasn't her lashing out that hurt but total misunderstanding and almost wilful misinterpretation and mischaracterisation of me. It's hard enough to be vulnerable and being open to friendships as it is, so being subject to wilful misinterpretation isn't on and I'm finding myself sorry and having respect for her chipped rather than angry.

Numbat2022 · 14/09/2022 11:20

Nope. I would be civil and even surface-level friendly if necessary, but I never forget and no longer trust that person. I have an acquaintance who said something horrible 20 years ago... we are still 'friends', I see her once or twice a year with mutual friends and am pleasant to her, but don't seek out her company or tell her anything personal.

If my husband was saying horrible things to me I would leave him... and especially if his mother and sister were doing it too. I also wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who got angry often, I don't like arguments and will not be shouted at.

sleepymum50 · 14/09/2022 11:45

I think I have discovered rather late in the day that people don’t argue the same way. Duh! I probably sound thick as mince.

What I mean is that when I argue, I genuinely believe my case is fair and I am trying to get my voice heard and my feelings validated. I don’t want more than my ‘share’. I just want an equal share/choice.

The only person I argue with is my STBXH. I have realised to argues to win or get his own way, regardless of what is fair. He will say or do whatever he thinks will work. He actually wants to verbally hurt or intimidate me at the time.

I used to believe like you that things said in anger was what they really thought.

Now I’m not so sure, afterwards he often apologises and says he didn’t mean what he said. I on the other hand mean everything I say, just sometimes I didn’t mean to say them to him. So I’m the one who accidentally blurts out my true feelings.

My friend says she forgives but doesn’t forget. I try and forgive my STBXH because I truly think he mostly didn’t mean them, he was just trying to hurt me in the moment because he doesn’t like it when I stand up for myself.

However as time went on I found it harder to forgive and that’s why he is an STBXH.

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 11:47

What I mean is that when I argue, I genuinely believe my case is fair and I am trying to get my voice heard and my feelings validated. I don’t want more than my ‘share’. I just want an equal share/choice

but that's the same for everybody. We all think we are right or have a case.

User112 · 14/09/2022 11:54

Husband and parents - I let things slide. Siblings - to some extent. Especially with my sister - I know what she can be like when angry.

I don’t put up with shit from anyone else. Why should I ?

User112 · 14/09/2022 11:56

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 11:47

What I mean is that when I argue, I genuinely believe my case is fair and I am trying to get my voice heard and my feelings validated. I don’t want more than my ‘share’. I just want an equal share/choice

but that's the same for everybody. We all think we are right or have a case.

@SurfBox What’s wrong with the world today? I find it incredibly hard that I have to fight for my fair share in anything!

TheLeadbetterLife · 14/09/2022 11:56

I think it depends a lot on your upbringing. My family is of the "heated debate" type that flares up, has a bit of a ding-dong that no-one really means, then forgets all about it. So I find it very easy to forgive and forget heat of the moment stuff. It doesn't usually linger with me and I often forget the argument ever happened.

My partner's family doesn't do heated debate or rows really. I've seen them argue, but they were doing it so quietly I didn't realise it was happening at first.

I've learned to try to be careful with him and not say the first stupid thing that pops into my head when I'm cross, because I know he won't take it the way e.g. my sister would. It's hard for me, because I'm so conditioned to it, but I don't want to upset or hurt my partner. In general I've got a lot better at this, even with my family, because I just can't be fagged with pointless arguments anymore.

reducedtimetable · 14/09/2022 11:56

Up to a point. If a certain line is crossed though that’s it (by crossing a line I mean once a comment is made that is racist or about dc etc then that’s it zero tolerance on those instances)

Marvellousmadness · 14/09/2022 11:57

Meh.
People say things when they are angry
I do to
Not things i actusllymean and ill apologise for it later

You sound fragile. Your dh sounds like a douche though....

steppemum · 14/09/2022 12:00

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 11:47

What I mean is that when I argue, I genuinely believe my case is fair and I am trying to get my voice heard and my feelings validated. I don’t want more than my ‘share’. I just want an equal share/choice

but that's the same for everybody. We all think we are right or have a case.

No!
that's how arguments start, but for many they deteriorate into 'winning' or getting the last word.
Some people will say horrible things to make themselves look bigger. Throw out hurtful comments to hurt the other person and get the upper hand.

AhaTopTrump · 14/09/2022 12:02

No
It's always there and if they've made it personal I'll take it to my grave. I sound bitter but I'm truly not, I just don't forgive people who purposely hurt me or my family

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 12:08

No!
that's how arguments start, but for many they deteriorate into 'winning' or getting the last word.
Some people will say horrible things to make themselves look bigger. Throw out hurtful comments to hurt the other person and get the upper hand

but people don't see it like this, they think their ''case is fair and ...am trying to get my voice heard and my feelings validated''. That's generally everybody's perception in an argument and that's the problem. People don't like to admit fault.

Even look on aibu, so many arguments the op retells she is right and being reasonable yet she will get roasted by many others who don't agree/see the reasonable viewpoint because everybody's perception of reason is often not always the same.

Kellie45 · 14/09/2022 12:09

Forgiveness is the secret of any successful relationship.

SurfBox · 14/09/2022 12:11

Forgiveness is the secret of any successful relationship

the problem with forgiveness though is that it is only ever needed when the behaviour is unforgivable.

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 14/09/2022 12:13

My ex used to call me a freak for having epilepsy, that stung and took me many years to get over and tbh it was how I saw myself for a long time. I’m putting off a conversation with my sister after the nasty and cruel things she’s said to me via text and on the phone. They were things I suspected she thought about me so now they’re there in black and white I’m not sure what an apology (if I get one) would achieve.