Annoying MIL goes on about DS being DH twin

[Janedoe95]

does anyone else have this issue, you’d think that DH just cloned himself and I had nothing to do with it according to her.

AIBU to find it annoying, does anyone else have the same problem.

DS also looks like both of us he’s got my eye shape and nose and hair DH family are happy to point out how cute said features are but so far unable to acknowledge he has a single thing from me.

i should add my MIL is nice and so is family but it’s getting annoying to be told your child looks nothing like you and everything is from dad

(strangers do notice the resemblance between myself and DS and my own family are happy to acknowledge they can see us both)

MILs knew their sons when they were little, they didn't know you. So of course they're going to notice resemblances to their own son. When she says your baby is like their dad, she's, whether she realises it or not, remembering him when he was a baby.

Likewise, sociologically, even strangers are more likely to say "oh he looks like his dad" to affirm parentage. I can't remember the study I saw, but for most of history, fatherhood has not been able to be proved. So keep the social and family group stable, we're conditioned to confirm to the father that the baby is his.

I assume that, subconsciously, that's even more important to the MIL.

This. Why the need to be so insecure?
I got up and walked out when meeting a group of girl friends, because one told another 'oh gosh she is beautiful, look at her curly hair like her dad', when another got pics of her baby out, and the mum had a gulping sobbing tantrum saying 'she is tired of people saying the baby looked like her husband (who I suppose she loves). It was so pathetic I couldn't be around her.

There was another thread like this quite recently. And I ended up thinking that many new mums actually resent (consciously or subconsciously) an actual physical link to their MIL/in laws in general.
We feel so tied to OUR babies, that acknowledging that they're not entirely 'of us' alone, is not something that we really want to accept.

I'm not sure why it bothers you so much. MiL said it about DS1 and, from the photos, she was absolutely right.

I always see new mums getting upset about this on here! The reality is if your DS has a child no doubt you will see a huge amount of your DS in the grandchild.
It really isn’t a slight on you and there’s no need to take it as such.
Each side sees more of “their” side in a child than the other usually.

Reply with "Ah sure that's all right. It's not about the stuff on the outside that matters. He gets all his intelligence and compassion from me and he's going to go far in this world because of that!"

It's actually pretty healthy. Talking sociological and instinctively again, the important thing is that both families are tied to the child, to protect them. The more the child is seen as 'one of us' the more the paternal family is primed to support and protect the next generation.

It's been happening for many thousands of years, and we've not evolved away from it yet.

My SIL always goes on about how my son looks nothing like my husband. Basically insinuating that he's not my husband's child (yes, she's that twisted). I think I would rather have your problem 😬

Not so much resemblance, but literally everything my children happen to be good at or excel in, they absolutely must have gotten it from <insert random person from husband family>
It's infuriating!! My kids can't just be good at something just because they are good at it. They hate it too.

People always tell stepFiL that my DD looks like him 🤣

I think it's nice. They love him.

For contrast, my grandmother wasn't very fond of my mother and was constantly talking about how she didn't get anything from her, she was the image of and shared a personality with one of my grandfather's sisters.

That's pretty awful rejection and always hurt my mother as a child. The fact that your MIL only wants her little grandson to be like her own son is good, in my opinion. It's nature's way of bonding families and you don't know when you'll find that very helpful.

I get it OP, Its really annoying. I used to get annoyed that MIL would ho on about how much DS looked like DH brother, her elder son. He's very much the golden child and u felt so sorry sor DH that he couldn't even have this small thing of looking like our son.a

DH and his brother do look quite similar, so ya know, why not say DS looks like DH rather than his brother!

I think there's something in this. New babies can be so overwhelming and as a mum in particular you tend to think of them as all 'yours', with links to your family. But of course 50% of them has come from somewhere else and those people are approaching the baby in the same way. DD definitely looks more like DH than me but i really like that - ILs have sent me pics of themselves when they were young and of cousins saying how much they look like DD and i can't honestly see it but i just let them get on with it. On the other hand my mum (who acknowledges DD doesnt look like our side of the family) will always comment on how her personality is just like mine as a child. I think at the end of the day it's all just about love and finding a connection with this little person.

You're being really overly sensitive.

It's absolutely normal for family members to notice likenesses between grandchildren and their child because they remember what they were like as babies. That's it!!

Yabu. You're overreacting to the normal comments.

DD is the image of me, obviously far prettier than I ever was at her age nothing like her Dad.

DS is built like his Dad and tanned but he is the image of my Dbro and unfortunately has Dbro's grumpy personality too.

One if my grandsons is an absolute clone of his father everybody remarks on it.

I sympathise but also think you have to let it go. Me and Dh both have lots of hair, but it's very different - DH is plentiful and curly and almost black. Mine is insanely thick, quite coarse, a sort of light brown/mousey colour, and mostly straight. DS has hair like mine, DD like DH. And yet, people will look at DS and say, "hair like his Daddy that one." It drives me insane... and then I tell myself to get over it.

Does she actually say 'he looks nothing like you'

Don't let this get to you. She is just showing pride in her son. You will get where she is coming from when your child is older.

It really doesn't come across as a diss

Stop looking for things to be upset about

I just ignore all that. They are her memories and if she sees DH in DS then let her go with it.

I can sort of see why it bothers, but does it really matter? You know your child is yours.

I don’t have the closest relationship with the MIL, but I find it sweet when she points out her family resemblances to DC1, because when I look at him, it’s like looking in a boy-shaped mirror.

I don’t have to feel aggrieved by it, because it’s so obvious DS is my son.

Does it matter who he looks like? It's such a strange thing to be focused on. Your ds is his own person, this obsession with looks like/mini me/twin is pointless (bordering on creepy) no matter who's saying it. I do think grandparents like to think the dgc look like their offspring in a sort of reliving those days, forging a connection way but it's easy enough to smile and nod or ignore.
Enjoy your dc and don't make every inane comment into a personal attack.

I see it so often and it's really weird. I know 2 mums who will cry and shout if anyone says their dc look like their dad- in both cases the dc look very much like their dads but the mums are mortally offended by it and have fallen out with family and friends over innocuous comments like 'oh isn't she the spit of dad?'. Who has that kind of energy to waste?

I know 2 mums who will cry and shout if anyone says their dc look like their dad

There really is a kind of possessiveness to this kind of thing. "He's MY baby!"

My DD was the image of my FIL when she was born. I found it really funny! And while that didn't last, to see her growing more and more like her dad was a positive pleasure for me, and still is (especially since we lost him a decade ago). Her sister was more like my family, but neither are like me.

I now have a DGD. I thought she looked like her dad as a baby, but most people (on both sides of the family) thought she looked like her auntie, my other daughter.

But none of it matters. It's just part of getting to know the new member of the family. Everyone wants to confirm that they're part of the tribe, that's all.

Oh my goodness my mother in law also does this. She constantly says my eldest looks just like my late father in law and how much he reminds her of my husband in personality. I can honestly say he looks nothing like him and his personality is just like mine in every way!

I really think they just want them to be like their sons wether they are or aren't. I just smile politely.

It is annoying and while it can be normal, it can also just be spiteful or just cross the line. My eldest is the spitting image of me apart from the eyes which are 100% her dad's. My MIL refused to believe my daughter had red hair for the first 6 months and actually told off her friend who mentioned it. My FIL would frequently attribute every single thing about my daughter to his side of the family:
Oh she likes coleslaw, she takes after my sister.....oh, she's left handed, my cousin is left handed she must get it from him......oh she likes drawing, my great aunts sister liked drawing she gets that from her.....it was amusing at first but quickly became irritating. More recently my MIL keeps saying to me that my eldest shouldn't be my child - she should be my SILs child. There is a backstory there that makes it all the more painful but even without knowing that, it's a hurtful remark to make.

Is he there first grandchild?
I had this with my eldest, according to mil he was more like her second cousins granddaughters neice than he was like me! It got pretty stupid and can laugh at their insistence now but at the time it was really hurtful.
Just shows how insecure they are