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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a rubbish wife?

86 replies

FEF · 13/09/2022 20:30

We have two kids. One is a few months old, the other is 2 and a half.

I am on maternity leave.

At the end of each day, I just don't have anything to give to my husband who returns from work. I often leave food out for him,I'll greet him and some nights I will stay downstairs with him for a bit, but other nights I just go upstairs and fall asleep. He's not around predictively at the weekend. He has the odd day off here and there, when we do spend more time together.

I sleep separately with the baby, as to not wake up husband who has a brutal schedule and needs to be out of the house by 6 am.

Older one goes to nursery some days. I am constantly busy with house stuff and looking after the baby and toddler, it's insane. I hate my life basically and live for the evenings where I can just have an hour of peace and sleep a bit before baby wakes up.

Is this OK : normal ?

OP posts:
ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 13/09/2022 23:13

Give yourself a break mom you have a new baby and a toddler, you're not a shit wife. You'll both look back and realise it was a short lived phase before you know it xx

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2022 23:22

It sounds absolutely brutal for you too! More so, because you are doing all night wakings, and I imagine don’t get any breaks in the day, which he will do.

If he struggles to get staff, and is covering other roles, is there more money that he can pay himself for doing those roles? That money could be put towards some extra help for you so that you’re not so exhausted.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2022 23:29

Sorry I’d missed a bit of this thread, that you’re the poster from yesterday.

He sounds awful OP.

I agree with those saying go off to your Mums and don’t come back until there are big changes. Or possibly just file for divorce from there.

He is horrible and abusive. You are not wasteful and you are not “ruining the family”. You are exhausted and he is not pulling his weight within the family.

Foxylass · 13/09/2022 23:40

Sounds to me that you are NOT a rubbish wife! And sound like you ARE a great mom. Go easy on yourself.

Do you have friends nearby? Are any of us nearby?

We had a really tough time when we had babies (three under 3)and a 9year old. We ran our own business and were struggling with that too.

I was completely exhausted and had no grown up time for ages...it was soul destroying. It passed - but was not easy - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I recall falling asleep while reading a bedtime story to mine and OH being upset with me for it (time we could have had together)! Crazy!

Luckily he 'got it' after a while.... and I forced him to do childcare (by trickery - but it worked) and eventually things started improving.

I had no family nearby and no friends at all in the area..... very lonely. No mumsnet then either.

Things will get better x

expat101 · 13/09/2022 23:58

We have our own business and I remember having to be ''back in the office'' on my first day home with baby. It wasn't easy and various other things at the time didn't help either... looking back its very easy for me to say this time will pass, but I know when you are in the thick of it, nothing seems to change at all!

Sending you big hugs. x

We are still self employed (building indsutry) and also are having difficulty with lack of staff and one who says he is going to turn up but doesn't. We have told Clients they are in a queue, there are material shortages, and everyone is being attended to in the order that the material becomes available...

There are some days DH won't be home until late, however if I needed him home to help out, he would as much as possible (not saying always, just when he could). Perhaps your DH needs to stop the regular 8 - 9pm home arrival time, and explain to his clients he has a young family at home who right now, really need him back at a decent time at the end of the normal working day. Most people truly are understanding.

If he cannot muster that, then I suspect he is delaying coming home as much as possible and using work as an excuse... which isn't helping you at all.

He needs to step up, if only for a temporary period of time to help you over this hump. If he cannot step up, then source in some paid home help.

Original poster
FEF · 14/09/2022 07:51

I don't know, is it too much to expect to be content with just getting by at the moment ? Better times will come, even for our marriage if we stick it out. Although I must say that sometimes I feel the damage has been done in how I see him. I still feel stuck in my head as to whether it's my fault and I am a huge bitch or whether it's him or whether it's the situation.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/09/2022 08:55

FEF · 14/09/2022 07:51

I don't know, is it too much to expect to be content with just getting by at the moment ? Better times will come, even for our marriage if we stick it out. Although I must say that sometimes I feel the damage has been done in how I see him. I still feel stuck in my head as to whether it's my fault and I am a huge bitch or whether it's him or whether it's the situation.

If you were both sticking it out, understanding that it is just the situation and that as time passes the children get older and he can get extrea help then I think better times would come.

But I think his behaviour, him blaming you, him putting extra demans on you and it all on you means that I think the damage has been done. You being stuck in your head thinking that you are a huge bitch is too much and not something you can walk back from and I think you know that

Getoff · 14/09/2022 08:57

If you can google some statistics about how many people are cohabiting with an opposite sex partner, broken down by age, you may be able to prove me right or wrong. (I don't care enough to do it myself.)

Getoff · 14/09/2022 08:58

Wrong thread.

Sophfreddie · 14/09/2022 09:17

I think you should go to your mums for a bit, you need time for you too...

Goldbar · 14/09/2022 10:04

FEF · 13/09/2022 20:53

Yeah he's really fed up with me.

I would let him know that you're equally fed up with him.

Neither of you have much to give at the moment and you can either accept this and work to make it better, or fight about it and piss each other off

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