Am I a rubbish wife?

[FEF]

We have two kids. One is a few months old, the other is 2 and a half.

I am on maternity leave.

At the end of each day, I just don't have anything to give to my husband who returns from work. I often leave food out for him,I'll greet him and some nights I will stay downstairs with him for a bit, but other nights I just go upstairs and fall asleep. He's not around predictively at the weekend. He has the odd day off here and there, when we do spend more time together.

I sleep separately with the baby, as to not wake up husband who has a brutal schedule and needs to be out of the house by 6 am.

Older one goes to nursery some days. I am constantly busy with house stuff and looking after the baby and toddler, it's insane. I hate my life basically and live for the evenings where I can just have an hour of peace and sleep a bit before baby wakes up.

Is this OK : normal ?

Yeah he works weekends. Time off is few and far between. He is never home before 8:30-9 pm. So hes never able to help with dinner time or just spend time with us then. I also don't have family near. I think it would be easier if my mum could pop by for dinner some days etc. Ah well.

@Elfandshafty no he told me I am ruining the family with my behaviour and that he's sick and tired of me and that I don't love him anymore. That's not true. I am just lost and tired.

What behaviour?

Why do you put up with this

This isn't normal

Oh that is totally out of order.

You need to have a proper chat with him and tell him how you feel, listen to how he feels, but also he needs to be realistic.

Aw OP you are not ruining anything it sounds like you have nothing left to give after having to do everything for the children. Explain to him how you feel like you have on this thread but this is something he has to understand/resolve. Things will get better as the children get older, sleep through etc but it takes time. If he wants to spend more time with you he first has to spend more time with the family

@Elfandshafty that I seem to retreat and I am cold with him he says. I am also not loyal apparently. He also accuses me of wanting my mum to look after my children for me because I am lazy. He says my mum did too much for me and I am therefore unable to deal with being a mother and wife.

My mum doesn't even live near me. I don't see her that often. But I did go and stay with her for a couple of weeks when things were very tough. She didn't even help me that much, it was just nice to have company ! It's like he resents that.

I have told him ! I just think he doesn't get it/ thinks I am a rubbish person unable to deal with life.

so he’s out of the home from 6am until 8:30/9pm? On the weekends too? How long does he expect that to continue for?

Complete arrogance that he can be out of the house 6am-9pm nearly every day and claim you are the one ruining the family. You are the family! He should be eternally grateful that you are single handedly raising his kids, not complaining that you aren’t the same woman as 3 years ago!

Bloody hell this gets worse with every update you post. He sounds absolutely dreadful quite frankly.

Okay, these are not the normal complaints of a parent who is tired and worn thin. This is some nasty, critical, arrogant shit which has me giving him some serious side-eye. I am wondering if he is abusive. Does he have any previous history of being critical, controlling, selfish?

I feel for you OP I only have 1 toddler at 2.5years and I’m struggling to cope and my mum has her a few hours a week… absolutely crazy! some people with 3/4 kids make it look so easy 🥺 xx

I really feel for you, lovely. My husband works similar hours and I know what it’s like when they’re gone first thing, back after bedtime and not even there on the weekends either, it’s fucking tough. The difference tho, unfortunately for you it seems, is that your husband is an arse whereas mine recognises and appreciates how hard it is to be married to one who works such daft hours. Your husband is being so unfair. You’re doing amazing, one small child and a tiny baby on your own is so hard x

After this update my advice would be to stay with your mum for a week without the kids and tell him to get on with it. Cheeky git. You are doing 99% of the care of his children. He should be praising you to anyone who stays still long enough to listen.

I have a 2 year old and a 3 1/2 year old. They have a 15 month age gap. It's pretty brutal. Your OH doesn't respect what you do. He doesn't respect how you support and contribute to your family. He thinks you are home eating bonbons and sitting on your arse watching TV. Things get easier as the children get older. Although,having 2 toddlers at the same time is pretty shit. Just think it's not long until your toddler turns 3 and you get your free 15 hours nusery.

I really don't know how they do it ! It's the toughest thing I've ever done. My baby has poo explosions all the time. I have to change all his clothes like 3-4 times a day at the moment. I never want another baby !!

He sounds abusive op. Looking after the children and house is hard work when you don’t have a support network. Unfortunately men like this don’t view marriage as a healthy partnership where you have understanding. He seems to think you need to do it all and have time to be a doting wife. He’s got his head stuck in the sand think all women are stepford wives. Why are you putting up with it? The fact that you ask if you’re a good wife makes me think you have internalised this thinking that somehow your job is to make him happy on top of all the other stuff you have to do, why isn’t it his job to come home and make you happy? He sounds old fashioned, possibly how his own parents relationship was. Unfortunately it won’t get better if he keeps this up. And you need to see none of this is your fault, otherwise your physical and mental health will suffer, not because of what you do at home but because of the demands he’s placing on you.

Where is your self esteem?

He is being such a prick

You can do 900000x better than this piece of shit

Why are you staying with frankly such a rubbish abusive husband

its not you it’s him

Do you feel he's a good husband?

Was he always like this? Or this is a new development?

You're doing an amazing job.

There is nothing harder than the job You're doing...raising 2 tiny humans.

Been there.....40 years ago!

Husband became self employed just before I had our 2nd child. He worked 12 hour days, 7 days a week, in the first few years, so I was left to do everything. It was hard, as the older child was still under two at the time, but I look back now and realise it was for such a short time in my life and my DH never complained, in fact I was the one that constantly moaned at him for working such long hours!

Your DH is completely out of order to only think of himself and not understand how hard it is for you. Try telling him it won't be forever!!

....oh and no you are not a rubbish wife! He's a rubbish husband!

Well he obviously is an amazing husband because the bar is so low for some that all a man has to do to be a good husband is go out to ‘work’ and earn the money and come home and sit on his arse to be waited on hand on foot by the wife, who is doing two jobs and home, being the housekeeper and nanny, she doesn’t get to clock off, nope she needs to start her third job of being ‘good wife’. But good question, I wonder if OP thinks he’s a good husband.

OP is there a cultural background here because I hear this talk a lot where I’m from, women are conditioned from a young age to be a ‘good wife’ whereas men are told no such things. So they become very entitled and want women to martyr themselves because they see other women in the family do it. What sort of circles do you mix in? What will happen when you return to work? Is he the type that will call you lazy for getting a cleaner? Use the dishwasher? There are some men who want to make sure their wives don’t get the easy way out so they don’t have time to leave the house or do their paid employment to a good standard. I hope that’s not him.