Am I a rubbish wife?

[FEF]

We have two kids. One is a few months old, the other is 2 and a half.

I am on maternity leave.

At the end of each day, I just don't have anything to give to my husband who returns from work. I often leave food out for him,I'll greet him and some nights I will stay downstairs with him for a bit, but other nights I just go upstairs and fall asleep. He's not around predictively at the weekend. He has the odd day off here and there, when we do spend more time together.

I sleep separately with the baby, as to not wake up husband who has a brutal schedule and needs to be out of the house by 6 am.

Older one goes to nursery some days. I am constantly busy with house stuff and looking after the baby and toddler, it's insane. I hate my life basically and live for the evenings where I can just have an hour of peace and sleep a bit before baby wakes up.

Is this OK : normal ?

[qpmz]

It's not normal that your husband often isn't around at weekends! That's when you can have a break while he takes the children. Or you do things as family.

You don't need to suffer, you need self care which results in you feeling better and more energised. That means the husband stepping up by being around for you and the babies and doing chores like batch cooking. Ask family and friends for company/help too.

[Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas]

@Quartz2208

@FEF so it is situational and affecting you both - it sounds brutal for you both.

WHy is it on you? You cant solve it - he has more control.

It sounds like you have little left to give each other. Has he said anything to indicate you should be

I think most women would be feed up with him.

[felulageller]

He's abusive, LTB


Go to your mums. You will be loved and looked after there.

[Ihaveanoldiphone]

Marriage should be a partnership, you both work as a team and help eachother out, so if one person is burnt out the other person understands and help if they can but if they can’t help, they certainly shouldn’t be complaining. So far you are being very understanding of him being absent due to his work whereas he doesn’t seem to extend the same courtesy to you. Doesn’t seem equal does it?

[EllieRosesMammy]

Okay from your updates he actually sounds abusive and controlling. I'd be doing fuck all for him with an attitude like that 🤢

[Dogtooth]

He has a brutal schedule? You have a brutal schedule. At least he gets to sleep at night. He sounds like a total dick.

I agree with pp, go off for a day or two and leave him to do the house and kids and be up all night. I bet he wouldn't be waiting up for you looking alluring after all that!

[MumE78]

Sounds like you doing bloody well!

You've got your hands full and your still cooking and holding the fort 👏

Things will get easier and you'll grab some 'me' time back again soon

[FEF]

OP is there a cultural background here because I hear this talk a lot where I’m from, women are conditioned from a young age to be a ‘good wife’ whereas men are told no such things. So they become very entitled and want women to martyr themselves because they see other women in the family do it. What sort of circles do you mix in? What will happen when you return to work? Is he the type that will call you lazy for getting a cleaner? Use the dishwasher? There are some men who want to make sure their wives don’t get the easy way out so they don’t have time to leave the house or do their paid employment to a good standard. I hope that’s not him
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Perhaps there is something cultural here. It's not so much that women need to be good wives, but that the expectation is for you to be able to do it all. Like women are mums and should be able to withstand it all and make massive sacrifices without nagging / complaining. If you don't manage that and need more help, you're branded as wasteful. I do have a cleaner and that's fine with him. But occasionally he does throw it back in my face like ' well you have a cleaner and you have this help or that help ' so why are you complaining kind of thing.

[HungryandIknowit]

I'd be totally unimpressed with him in your shoes. The fact you're questioning yourself speaks volumes. You're doing great. Perhaps suggest that he do half the night wakes so that you can spend some time with him in the evenings.

[Awrite]

Your husband sounds horrible.

With dc2, I didn't do any housework on mat leave. My dh did it. We shared it when I went back to work.

You are not the one letting the side down.

[Summerhillsquare]

Oh let me guess he comes home expecting sex, and you don't want to.

[FEF]

@Summerhillsquare

Oh let me guess he comes home expecting sex, and you don't want to.

Haha that is also part of the issue..

[qpmz]

@MumE78

Sounds like you doing bloody well!

You've got your hands full and your still cooking and holding the fort 👏

Things will get easier and you'll grab some 'me' time back again soon

OP needs more than a pat on the back. It doesn't have to be a life of suffering! Husband should reduce hours and step up.

[Cherchezlaspice]

Why are you tolerating all this, OP? Pack up and go to your mum’s for a bit and figure out if this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life.

[MyneighbourisTotoro]

OP are you the same poster from the other night? When he got very verbal for you asking him not to disturb your toddler at 9pm for a cuddle?
What you are describing is normal to an extent, I raised two children with no help and I was so burnt out and exhausted, do you have anyone who can offer you some respite?
Your relationship is suffering as well, you both have no time for each other which happens with young children but it becomes an issue when you both opt out.
You both need to communicate about your future together, what does he want to change, what do you want to change? Does he help out enough with the children after work or on the weekends?

[FEF]

@Cherchezlaspice

Why are you tolerating all this, OP? Pack up and go to your mum’s for a bit and figure out if this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life.

It's really tough. I think I get to a low point with it every few months. He blows up or something happens and then it passes again.

I think part of the reason why I don't even want to spend time with him really, is because somewhere the trust is broken for me. I just can't forget it and I can't forgive it. I'm just really disappointed in all of it, but I am Stuck in a rut.

[FEF]

@MyneighbourisTotoro

OP are you the same poster from the other night? When he got very verbal for you asking him not to disturb your toddler at 9pm for a cuddle?
What you are describing is normal to an extent, I raised two children with no help and I was so burnt out and exhausted, do you have anyone who can offer you some respite?
Your relationship is suffering as well, you both have no time for each other which happens with young children but it becomes an issue when you both opt out.
You both need to communicate about your future together, what does he want to change, what do you want to change? Does he help out enough with the children after work or on the weekends?

Yes I posted that yesterday.

[Sh05]

The real issue is him being self employed is not working for your family if he's out working all hours all week. He won't admit it though and you'll feel unable to bring it up because he'll throw it back in your face that he's doing it all for you and the kids.
In our culture it's very well accepted that after the birth and during the first few months especially the mother is treated with special care and not allowed to stretch herself too much. My mum was very much of the thought that if a new mum had it as easy as possible in the first few months especially, she would be able to recover from the strain of pregnancy and birth properly.

[Penismightierthantheword]

Having a baby changes a relationship because from the moment they are born they come first. My husband really stepped up otherwise I don’t know how I would have managed ONE! Not sure when you are supposed to be having the family life he complains you are spoiling- after 9pm? He wants sex.
Tell him you want him at home to contribute to family life because he never sees his kids and is being a bad father and husband. So sorry, you aren’t a bad wife but won’t be this hard for either of you soon.

[Cherchezlaspice]

@FEF

It's really tough. I think I get to a low point with it every few months. He blows up or something happens and then it passes again.

I think part of the reason why I don't even want to spend time with him really, is because somewhere the trust is broken for me. I just can't forget it and I can't forgive it. I'm just really disappointed in all of it, but I am Stuck in a rut.

You’re not, though. You can end this at any time.

If your previous post is the one I’m thinking of, I told you exactly the same thing there, as well.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Has the general mood in the relationship shifted very far from what it was before the children? Sometimes men have a way of doing a whole 180 when kids come along. Or were you always a bit on edge about how good/not good of a wife you were?

[Superduper02]

@FEF

Yes I posted that yesterday.

I also read this thread yesterday and was quite disappointed at his reaction, however, I think there is currently a lack of respect and communication between the two of you. His work sounds absolutely back breaking and missing seeing his children growing up and working hard for the family then not receiving much warmth from you / little contact time with the children can't be easy. Equally, why would you feel able to open up to someone that belittles you. I think you're both exhausted and fed up with your own roles/responsibilities. You probably have more in common than you think.

I think you need to head to your mum's for a long weekend. Leave the kids with her and book a hotel or spa weekend together. Going forward, be kind to yourself and each other.

[FEF]

@VladmirsPoutine

Has the general mood in the relationship shifted very far from what it was before the children? Sometimes men have a way of doing a whole 180 when kids come along. Or were you always a bit on edge about how good/not good of a wife you were?

Definitely never worried about being a good wife before we had children. He also didn't complain about me etc.

[momtoboys]

Completely normal. It will pass.

[newjobwhodisperhaps]

Personally I don't think this is normal.
You're both in a high stress situation.
Yes it will ease as the youngest grows up and you are (hopefully) less tired. BUT if he continues with crazy hours then you'll always struggle as a couple, as you'll potentially grow resentful of everything being left to you.

Also, your thread yesterday was sad, he spoke to you shockingly, and he sounds borderline abusive. Maybe not even borderline.

If I were you, I'd get some space at your mums house. Consider what you want to do next.