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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a rubbish wife?

86 replies

FEF · 13/09/2022 20:30

We have two kids. One is a few months old, the other is 2 and a half.

I am on maternity leave.

At the end of each day, I just don't have anything to give to my husband who returns from work. I often leave food out for him,I'll greet him and some nights I will stay downstairs with him for a bit, but other nights I just go upstairs and fall asleep. He's not around predictively at the weekend. He has the odd day off here and there, when we do spend more time together.

I sleep separately with the baby, as to not wake up husband who has a brutal schedule and needs to be out of the house by 6 am.

Older one goes to nursery some days. I am constantly busy with house stuff and looking after the baby and toddler, it's insane. I hate my life basically and live for the evenings where I can just have an hour of peace and sleep a bit before baby wakes up.

Is this OK : normal ?

OP posts:
carmenitapink · 13/09/2022 20:33

Yep sounds pretty normal to me!

carmenitapink · 13/09/2022 20:34

Do you have anyone who can help you to watch the baby for a few hours so you can pop out to do something as basic as a walk alone or get your nails done. Sounds pretty intense and mentally draining after a while!

Curiosity101 · 13/09/2022 20:35

Sounds very normal but extra tough if your husband is a shift worker or something?

Hugasauras · 13/09/2022 20:35

Wife isn't a job title, so you can't be good or bad at it IMO.

I think relationships often have to take a back seat during the early months of a new baby. The sign of a good relationship is that it can weather that. My husband and I can easily manage a few months of not seeing each other as much or having much time together because we have been together more than 10 years and know this is just a short phase in our lives.

I'd worry less about that for now and more about getting yourself a break as you sound done in! It's tough, I have a 3.5yo and a 12wo and some days I feel like a frazzled mess! But it doesn't last, so you just have to try to keep smiling, lower your standards about house work and cooking and find joy in the smaller things.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/09/2022 20:37

It’s not unusual but it can bugger up your marriage obviously. Can you talk to him about it, maybe get a sitter sometimes and make some plans for when it gets better (it. Will

Thedungeondragon · 13/09/2022 20:38

You just sound worn out, which is understandable. Why is your DH around so little? That sounds tough on the whole family.

Original poster
FEF · 13/09/2022 20:39

Hugasauras · 13/09/2022 20:35

Wife isn't a job title, so you can't be good or bad at it IMO.

I think relationships often have to take a back seat during the early months of a new baby. The sign of a good relationship is that it can weather that. My husband and I can easily manage a few months of not seeing each other as much or having much time together because we have been together more than 10 years and know this is just a short phase in our lives.

I'd worry less about that for now and more about getting yourself a break as you sound done in! It's tough, I have a 3.5yo and a 12wo and some days I feel like a frazzled mess! But it doesn't last, so you just have to try to keep smiling, lower your standards about house work and cooking and find joy in the smaller things.

That's how I see it. It's a phase that will pass when things get easier. If I had family near by who could just come around a bit and keep me company and lend a hand, I would be in a better way for sure.

Husband is really unhappy though.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 13/09/2022 20:41

Is he a shift worker?

Takingabreakagain · 13/09/2022 20:41

Husband is really unhappy though
Sounds like if he was around more and helped you out you would have more time to spend with him. Is he working or socialising at the weekend? He shouldn't be expecting you to do all the sacrifice and compromise - it has to come form him too

Hugasauras · 13/09/2022 20:41

What has he suggested? You can't pour from an empty cup, so what is his solution for dealing with things at the moment that doesn't involve you losing precious sleep or having to do more than you are already?

Sometimes there's no feasible solution other than the passing of time!

AliceW89 · 13/09/2022 20:42

Husband is really unhappy though

Why? What did he imagine having 2 children under 3 and a ‘brutal schedule’ with work would be like? Fuck, you have his tea on the table and he does no night wake ups. Sounds like he has the easier life out of the two of you, quite frankly…

2pinkginsplease · 13/09/2022 20:44

Sounds like you are left to do everything, if dh put a bit more effort into helping you in the evening and at the weekend then there could be more time for you both as a couple.

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2022 20:49

It sounds harsh on both of you - that you arent able to have couple or family time and you are both unhappy

What is causing him to never be around?

Original poster
FEF · 13/09/2022 20:49

Ginger1982 · 13/09/2022 20:41

Is he a shift worker?

Self employed and struggling to find staff.. it's absolutely brutal.

OP posts:
Elfandshafty · 13/09/2022 20:50

Definitely not normal

But that doesn't mean you're a bad wife

Your circumstances just mean things have ended up like this for you

Unfortunately

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2022 20:51

@FEF so it is situational and affecting you both - it sounds brutal for you both.

WHy is it on you? You cant solve it - he has more control.

It sounds like you have little left to give each other. Has he said anything to indicate you should be

EllieRosesMammy · 13/09/2022 20:51

You've got two very young children, a lot of that sounds very normal. Has your husband said anything to indicate he's not happy with the situation? You're not a rubbish wife x

Original poster
FEF · 13/09/2022 20:53

Yeah he's really fed up with me.

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/09/2022 20:54

He's allowed be unhappy. Where it's not good if he or you think that it's your job to make him happy. It's not.

when mine were your dc's ages we were unhappy a lot of the time. And frustrated and in general all over the place. And then the little one started sleeping through. And then we remembered what being rested was like. And order started to come back to my life. And then I got pregnant again. But I'm back to the order stage now and it's so hard remembering how cross I was at myself for not being more, especially now when I'm in shock I kept going at all.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 13/09/2022 20:56

FEF · 13/09/2022 20:53

Yeah he's really fed up with me.

I would let him have the kids on his own for the day on his day off and book yourself Into a hotel for a good sleep.

He'll soon come to his senses.

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2022 20:57

Yep that isnt on at all. He is allowed to find this hard and difficult, you are allowed to find this hard and difficult

But given that him working has also left you (who is on maternity) wrung out how can you find anything else.

When it is him who has control.

And how will it work when/if you go back - this is not a tenable position long term but he certainly shouldnt be blaming you.

Drivebye · 13/09/2022 21:00

Why is he 'really fed up with you'?

Is it because you are giving the children all your attention because that's what it's like when you have young children and like most selfish men he can't cope now he isn't the centre of attention?

I am sure it's very difficult being in business at the moment but if the above is true I'd be telling him to pull himself together and do something to help the situation of piss off.

carefullycourageous · 13/09/2022 21:01

Husband is really unhappy though. So what is HE planning to do to change things?

Darbs76 · 13/09/2022 21:02

It’s tough. My children are 28, 18 and 14 now and I still remember how tough the first few years are. The first year of a babies life is tough. It would be nice I guess if you could spend an evening or two with your husband, maybe watch a film, but if sleep is your priority right now, he needs to appreciate that. Many men don’t fully understand this, and start to get frustrated.

assume he’s working on the weekend when you say he’s not around?

Elfandshafty · 13/09/2022 21:05

FEF · 13/09/2022 20:53

Yeah he's really fed up with me.

Has he said this

Or is that just what you feel?