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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DD to move away for university

94 replies

Mumsunited11 · 13/09/2022 16:40

we live in a fairly provincial place in the north. It’s classed as a city but in reality there is very little in the way of opportunities and also the culture is a little suffocating (everyone in everyone’s business, ect). I live here because all of my family are here and life circumstances meant it was not possible for me to move away. DD is 17 (almost 18) and in upper sixth and thinking about university. She’s very bright and will probably be on for A’s and B’s and I want her to move away and go to a Russel group. The uni local to us has nothing wrong with it (about 70th in the country) but it’s not as good as I think she could do. All of her friends are staying here, weather for uni or work, and I suspect they will follow the path of their parents and settle down early with boys (now men) who they went to school with and stay here all their lives. I’m not judging anyone but I feel like DD could do better, like DD could have a really bright future and career ahead of her and she simply won’t get that if she stays here. Aibu to want her to move away and fulfil her potential?

OP posts:

Chikapu · 13/09/2022 16:43

What does she want to do? Surely that's the important thing!

Chikapu · 13/09/2022 16:44

And you are coming across as thinking you and your daughter are superior to everyone else btw.

ShaunaTheSheep · 13/09/2022 16:45

Sorry but it is her choice, and she will make her own decisions. Beware of trying to exert influence, as it could have the opposite effect.

gamerchick · 13/09/2022 16:45

It's up to her really isn't it?

britneyisfree · 13/09/2022 16:46

What she wants is more important, but I hear you op. I'd want more for my child too. You can guide her but if she chooses to stay you must respect her decision or risk pushing her away.

alexdgr8 · 13/09/2022 16:47

you are making a lot of assumptions there.
and sounds as if you are trying to live her life for her, or live yours through her, which is not good, esp for you.
you cannot re-live your youth through her.
do not interfere.

Alucadekena · 13/09/2022 16:48

I think the best thing would be to try to take her to open days so she can experience other places but you can't force her to leave home for uni. Ds visited several places, big cities like Manchester, campus universities like Warwick and then small places like Durham.

Open up her eyes to the possibility of somewhere else. Even if you don't manage an open day spend a weekend or two visiting places, go see the university buildings, maybe staying over if it is a distance from where you are. Look at her course, find the uni entry grades for them and narrow down a list of places to go. Lots of unis are back now, some late ones start early October but it will be full of students, she could be one of them but ultimately it is up to her.

BlueThingie · 13/09/2022 16:49

I’d be the same as you, op. Going somewhere new for university and discovering new things is one of the benefits of going. We live in London but I’d strongly discourage my kids from London unis for that reason, despite there being so very good ones.

Ridley10 · 13/09/2022 16:49

At the end of the day, the choice belongs to your daughter. You can show her a variety of options and paths but at the end of the day you need to be led by what she wants. Go and see a variety of universities so she’s got an idea of what is out.

imaginationhasfailedme · 13/09/2022 16:51

I agree with PP that go and visit a few with no pressure. Let her know that you want more for her than you had and wish big things for her, but ultimately you'll have to support what she wants. I get it though, we want our children to hunt out the very best (and that's often better than how we did)

summergone · 13/09/2022 16:51

You can encourage her , but it's ultimately her choice . What has she said she wants to do ?

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 13/09/2022 16:52

Chikapu · 13/09/2022 16:44

And you are coming across as thinking you and your daughter are superior to everyone else btw.

No she's not, she just wants a 'bigger world' for her DD.

@Mumsunited11 I'd be pushing her out of the nest too & wanting a much broader life experience for her too. I think focus more on the opportunities the others offer than how limited the local one is! Does she have any interests she'd be able to get more out of elsewhere?

olympicsrock · 13/09/2022 16:53

It would be good for your daughter to spread her wings and see a bit of life I agree.

DillonPanthersTexas · 13/09/2022 17:01

What does she want to do? Surely that's the important thing!

Up to a point. But if the OPs daughter is selling herself short due to not fully appreciating her choices and the opportunities that come with them then I don't blame the OP with being concerned and wanting to 'nudge' her in the right direction. I knew a few people at school who were smarter then me who kind of went with the flow and just followed their mates to the local HE college when they had the grades to go to tier one uni. Plus, getting out of your home town and making a life in a new city really broadens your horizons and opens up your friendship group. I am with the OP.

MrsToothyBitch · 13/09/2022 17:01

I understand where you're coming from but it's your Dds choice. I think encouraging her to attend open days or take work exp opportunities or trips elsewhere might be your best option to encouraging her to look at a wider world without locking horns or "pushing her out". Is the local uni actually good for what she wants to read and does the set up actually suit her, too? Definitely encourage her to check!

Fwiw I went to uni in my home county (but the other end of it) and so did a few friends - all at the same place- and then we went back to live locally too; but we're all on the London commuter belt so lots of opportunities now. I chose the uni because I liked it and it was good for my subject though; being near enough to see family was a perk but not a necessity. If e.g Uni of Newcastle had been like the uni I did choose, I'd have gone up there, distance be damned.

LittleMissSushi · 13/09/2022 17:06

I've moved around every few years of my entire adult life, all over the UK and abroad. I sometimes look at people around me who've never lived beyond their village or town and find it hard to imagine. But at times, I realise that I'm being mildly judgmental to console myself about my rootlessness and lack of attachment or a sense of anywhere feeling like home. I actually envy those people in some senses. Obviously I'm generalising, but 'community lifers' always seem so much more stable, content and connected to their communities than I think I will ever be. Sometimes I'd give anything for that.

The point of the story is there is no right or better way to be. Is it right to want your DD to fulfil her potential? Absolutely, although as you know, these are her choices to make - all you can do is offer insights and counsel. But don't assume that she can't do that on your doorstep, if she wants to. She had plenty of time to fly the nest yet - and if she never chooses to, then it's probably a sign that she's content where she is. The important thing is you're giving her the opportunity, and that she is not limited by circumstances.

Sunnyqueen · 13/09/2022 17:06

I doubt your daughter is any more special or capable of having a decent future than her peers but if you want her to spread her weeks she needs to be taken or trips facilitated to other cities so she can see what's on offer and get a taste for a bit of adventure. At her age I needed no encouragement and was already funding trips abroad on my own.

Sunnyqueen · 13/09/2022 17:07

*weeks?? Wings

Hankunamatata · 13/09/2022 17:08

Start by taking her around unis. If she wants to stay local then look at Newcastle or Durham or scottish unis if your in borders. Show her what's put there

Hankunamatata · 13/09/2022 17:08

You need to show her what's out there and what opportunities there are and let her decide

goldfinchonthelawn · 13/09/2022 17:09

YANBU to want her to explore life's possibilities. I'd take her on visits to a couple of really lovely cities with Russell Group unis that she stands a chance to get into. Chat casually in the car or when getting dinner ready about how uni is a chance to meet people from different backgrounds, expand your horizons, learn new social skills, get new opportunities, even to decide to do things you;d never dreamed of before.Her school friends will be here during the holidays.

Don't push her, just make sure she considers broadening her horizons. If she doesn't, and chooses to stay put, make sure she at least moves into halls or a student flat. It's not the last chance to explore the world if she does stay put. A very lively, clever friend of mine chose to go to uni in our home town. I thought she was being uncharacyeristically timid but she ended up working in China and then for a major news corporation and had an amazing life. Just wasn't ready to start it aged 18.

Bestcatmum · 13/09/2022 17:10

I've always thought it's so unhealthy to stay at home and go to uni. They need to go out there, socialise and learn how to be independent.

DillonPanthersTexas · 13/09/2022 17:11

I doubt your daughter is any more special or capable of having a decent future than her peers

Well we don't know what the daughters mates are projected to get grade wise but I would imagine out of her entire year there will be quite a spread of academic capabilities and an equally diverse set of pathways that those students are presented with, some offering more promising futures then others.

Mum5net · 13/09/2022 17:12

University courses with opportunity to do a year abroad are ideal. One of mine attended local university in this town but was able to spend third year on a US campus as exchange student and do her 5th yr Masters project in Barcelona.

carefullycourageous · 13/09/2022 17:16

You are going to require her to get into a lot more debt if you send her away, potentially. This is something a lot of people are now considering in their decision-making.

Ultimately it is up to her. Would you want her to move out if she stays local?

Be careful not to try to live your life through her, she may genuinely want to study at home.

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