To want DD to move away for university

[Mumsunited11]

we live in a fairly provincial place in the north. It’s classed as a city but in reality there is very little in the way of opportunities and also the culture is a little suffocating (everyone in everyone’s business, ect). I live here because all of my family are here and life circumstances meant it was not possible for me to move away. DD is 17 (almost 18) and in upper sixth and thinking about university. She’s very bright and will probably be on for A’s and B’s and I want her to move away and go to a Russel group. The uni local to us has nothing wrong with it (about 70th in the country) but it’s not as good as I think she could do. All of her friends are staying here, weather for uni or work, and I suspect they will follow the path of their parents and settle down early with boys (now men) who they went to school with and stay here all their lives. I’m not judging anyone but I feel like DD could do better, like DD could have a really bright future and career ahead of her and she simply won’t get that if she stays here. Aibu to want her to move away and fulfil her potential?

YANBU

My DD isn’t there yet but she’s a homebody and I already if she even wants to go to uni she’ll choose the closest one to home.

I want her to go to one in a different city or country to experience a completely different way of life.

But that is me living my life through her.
So my plan is to visit different ones and say what I would do but otherwise stay neutral and let her make her own decision (even if I think it’s the wrong one).

It's her choice to make. She's nearly 18.

Are you from Chester?

I was thinking of a few Scottish "cities". Wonder if people are imagining towns close to them that fit the descriptions ...

It's her choice. A lot of students are staying home as they don't want the huge debts and parents can't afford to supplement them.

Of my 6th formers over 1/4 are staying home.

Financially it makes sense to go to a local uni if this is possible. Maybe she doesn't want to be saddled with ££££ of debt at a young age. Her choice.

Making plenty of visits has been key for my DD (and we’re making more this autumn). A couple I thought were great, excellent facilities, lots of opportunities, etc., just didn’t appeal to her and she had good reasons why. It’s about finding the best “fit” for them, not us.

@erikbloodaxe @Butchyrestingface haha my guess was Teeside

It's totally up to her but I agree with how you feel.

It's a tricky balance - isn't it. You want her to know that there are other options, but as many have pointed out, it's ultimately her call.

My siblings and I were strongly encouraged/it was just assumed we would move away to study, and not end up in our northern hometown. We headed in different directions and ended up in London as graduates. But now, at 45, I live a very provincial small-town life in the town my husband grew up in. (It's much smaller, and far fewer opportunities, than the place I grew up.) We're very happy here, and there are many, many good things about it, but it's definitely more quotidian than my parents would have envisaged for me at 18.

I had a friend at school who stayed in our hometown for university because her boyfriend was there. They're still together 30 years later; she is a teacher and they still live locally. Her parents and some of the teachers were very opposed to it at the time, and I thought it was completely crazy, but it's worked out well for them.

Young people are missing out on a huge part of the university experience if they stay at home. She needs to leave, eat terrible food, live in a terrible flat and make lots of mistakes..... without her parent(s) picking up the pieces.

I just think there are many versions of life. This parental pressure on kids to live the way their parents want them to is the reverse of those parents who didn't want their kids to go to university. The kids have to do as they like. A not insignficant number of kids are very unhappy at uni, I would never want mine to go to please me and then regret it.

I understand your POV as I think most people have a better Uni experience when they move away to a new city. And she should go the the best University who will offer her a place. If you’re in the North would she not consider Manchester or Liverpool so she’s near home and friends still, could you go on some open days?

If you’re in Preston or Chester I would definitely say she’d have a better time in a bigger city.

Wow you sound stuck up. Why would you want to rob your daughter of home and community? Just to yield bragging rights over her successes?

No she isn't!

That really isn't what she's doing.

Why specifically a Russell Group uni?

I wouldn't have been half as happy and successful at a RG uni as I was in my vocational ex-poly uni.

Focus on what she wants to do and what will make her happy and what she wants to do in life and work back from there - whatever path that may be.

She doesn't necessarily have to move away to achieve her potential but I do think if you're going to uni then the experience of moving away can be a valuable one as well.

She might be happier staying with all her family and friends. I don’t agree that it’s more healthy to leave everyone you live behind for a career. Getting the very best education and the highest paid job aren’t necessarily the things that will bring happiness and security. And stop interfering….my education was ruined by my mum, who thought she knew best.

You want her to aim higher dream bigger than you did. That's totally understandable, we all want more for our kids than we had. You can help facilitate this by sitting down with her, look at courses and unis, entry requirements, make a shortlist of where she would like to go visit and go with her to open days. Ultimately she will make her own decisions but you can help open up the world to her.

I stayed home for Uni, I come from a big city and went to a Russell group uni. I moved to another city after I graduated for work and then to Scotland when I met my husband. My point being that even if she goes to a local uni now it doesn't mean she is doomed to small town life. She might well spread her wings later.

No. She. Isn't.

I think that with the lifetime of debt now associated with going to university that YANBU to encourage your DD to aim for a top university.

I will be advising my DD (a long way in the future) that if she wants to to a non vocational degree she needs to be getting good enough grades for a Russell group uni/ top arts college/ top uni for her chosen subject or alternatively do a vocational degree.

But OP I think you need to seperate your issues here, whilst you may feel you made poor choices in life by not moving away, that doesn't mean that staying close to home wouldn't neseccarily be right for your DD.

Social mobility?

Great idea in theory but now Erasmus is no longer available to UK students such opportunities must be more difficult to find.

I think you should definitely have a talk with her about it and express your opinion. Uni should be about broadening your horizons and having the time of your life as much as the education bit!

Ultimately up to her yes but encourage her to spread her wings and aim high.

I think ideally kids should go to a different city for University and that it is part of the experience. However, it is obviously not possible for everyone. I hope my dd goes away too, quite frankly I am looking forward to it!