To want DD to move away for university

[Mumsunited11]

we live in a fairly provincial place in the north. It’s classed as a city but in reality there is very little in the way of opportunities and also the culture is a little suffocating (everyone in everyone’s business, ect). I live here because all of my family are here and life circumstances meant it was not possible for me to move away. DD is 17 (almost 18) and in upper sixth and thinking about university. She’s very bright and will probably be on for A’s and B’s and I want her to move away and go to a Russel group. The uni local to us has nothing wrong with it (about 70th in the country) but it’s not as good as I think she could do. All of her friends are staying here, weather for uni or work, and I suspect they will follow the path of their parents and settle down early with boys (now men) who they went to school with and stay here all their lives. I’m not judging anyone but I feel like DD could do better, like DD could have a really bright future and career ahead of her and she simply won’t get that if she stays here. Aibu to want her to move away and fulfil her potential?

having the time of your life I understand why parents hope for this but too much emphasis on this is a major contributing factor in young people really struggling at uni and dropping out. Dial down the emotional pressure on young people and stop telling them to 'have a great time!' 'be happy!' etc. Keep this hope inside.

There are buckets of degrees with semester/year abroad still.

Social mobility because if you restrict where you live you restrict careers available to you.

I’m quite sad one of mine chose to stay at home for uni. I think going away you learn a lot about yourself and grow in a way you can’t do staying in the parental nest. Dd2 changed so much the first year she went to uni, in a way that Dd1 certainly didn’t.

My world certainly expanded when I went to uni and had to fend for myself, make my own decisions etc.

well it's not your choice it's hers and if she wants to stay with her friends then again that's her choice it doesn't matter if you want 'better for her' she's got her entire life to meet new people we've just come out of covid why would she want to throw herself into a vulnerable position if she isn't ready for that step

When I was in the sixth form the teachers told us we wouldn’t be allowed to apply to the university in our home town. The point of university is you spread your wings.

The problem is you haven't really shown her any different- it is her life. There are many excellent non RG uni's out there and rankings by uni rather than course are pointless. I would suggest sitting down with her and talking through what she wants to study and then looking at UCAS for all the uni's offering the course and then looking at each one for the units covered. This was my DD's approach as courses of the same name differ in actual units covered. The no.1 ranked uni in the world for DD's course is in the UK and it's not RG.

It’s good to show her the options out there but YABU to be thinking about what you want for her and not about what she wants. She might want to do a course that isn’t available at a RG university. She might change her mind about going to university at all. Just make sure she has lots of info about the choices available to her and be ready to support her.

Yeah your relationship with your daughter will be over, but it probably already is I doubt this is the first time something like this happened. My mum gave my sister horse riding lessons piano lessons etc when we were growing up because she showed more 'promise ' it just got worse from there. She ended up doing something similar to this when we grew up we are no contact now.

I don't think she'll get onto Durham with her grades!

YANBU. Ultimately where DD settles down is her decision but it absolutely makes sense that you would want her to get more experience under her belt before she makes that decision. At 18 you'renot fully matured at all and it's very easy to just go along with the status quo and once you're married and with ids it's much harder to change things. I would absolutely enourage her to look at other unis and expand her focus - maybe a year abroad. She can still keep in contact with friends during holidays etc. If she then wants to settle up north she'll be doing so having explored her options.

DS ended up in a university 19 miles away. We never saw him. After his master's he was off to the middle East then all over the world for the next fifteen years.

You just can't tell

My DD went to a RG uni just 15 miles from our boring town. She met many friends from all over the country and made her life in her uni city, which is a great city.

You can actually do both. DD has only retained one friend from school and the home town, all her closest friends are ex uni friends, some of whom also made their lives in uni city.

she’s close enough to us, her family but not so close that she feels she never left her home town.

I feel like DD could do better, like DD could have a really bright future and career ahead of her and she simply won’t get that if she stays here. Aibu to want her to move away and fulfil her potential?

YABU. This is your DD’s life so this decision should be about what she wants and makes her happy. Please do not live vicariously through your DD. “Do better” is highly subjective. Leaving everything and living in different places or even different countries and continents is fun & yes you get unique p opportunities, but not necessarily better or a brighter future.

Please can we all stop with this idea that Russel Group universities are the be all and end all?
They’re not. Seriously

I see students all the time who tie themselves in knots thinking they won’t get a job unless they go to a Russel Group uni.

Tis madness

Is she taking a year out? Most kids her age have submitted their UCAS forms or are on the verge of. The deadline is soon.

Kids don't necessarily have to move away from home to uni at 18 to spread their wings! Eldest studied at an RG uni 10 miles away and lived at home. She spent her 3rd year in a European country. She then spent a full summer in another European country, and after graduation she went to another RG uni to do a postgrad, and lived and worked there for the following 3 years. DC2 didn't feel ready to leave the nest at 18, so took a foundation degree and then moved away to another RG uni for her degree, plus spent her internship year in London. Youngest is now at a different uni to DC1 (Not RG but well-regarded in his subject - and BTW my kids didn't deliberately choose RG unis; it just happened that way) also 10 miles away. Living at home to save money but hoping to spend a placement year in the US.

In DC2's course, 70 started it - 20 completed it. So, don't put pressure on your DD - let her make her own decisions, and support her.

If you can, offer to help her out financially if she goes away. Level the playing field so going away doesn't add such a huge extra financial burden. And take her round different campuses to inspire her. But ultimately respect her decision.

I have huge respect for friends who stayed local. My mum was completely against it but those who have done so have decent jobs and often better, more balanced relationships with their parents. Roots are good. I think it says a lot for a family if they are prepared to let their kids stick around - mine couldn't get rid of me fast enough!

Maybe the grass is always greener.

I think you're right OP. Good friend of mine lived in a midlands town with a decent Uni, public sector parents, comp schooling. She's bright and went away down south to a great uni and is now the most successful (job wise) person I know. She has a great life too!