To want DD to move away for university

[Mumsunited11]

we live in a fairly provincial place in the north. It’s classed as a city but in reality there is very little in the way of opportunities and also the culture is a little suffocating (everyone in everyone’s business, ect). I live here because all of my family are here and life circumstances meant it was not possible for me to move away. DD is 17 (almost 18) and in upper sixth and thinking about university. She’s very bright and will probably be on for A’s and B’s and I want her to move away and go to a Russel group. The uni local to us has nothing wrong with it (about 70th in the country) but it’s not as good as I think she could do. All of her friends are staying here, weather for uni or work, and I suspect they will follow the path of their parents and settle down early with boys (now men) who they went to school with and stay here all their lives. I’m not judging anyone but I feel like DD could do better, like DD could have a really bright future and career ahead of her and she simply won’t get that if she stays here. Aibu to want her to move away and fulfil her potential?

I think both are fine. Many french kids stay home, they seem fine. London kids often stay home, they also seem fine. Mature students often stay home, they seem fine.

There are multiple routes to happiness.

I agree with you. Mine are going to a different country ( mainland Europe). I don’t want them coming home every weekend with their washing!

But then again what' perspectives do teens have?

I moved one of my daughter's op and I'm glad I did. We certainly discuss it.

Can you watch something like billy liar with her ?

I can understand your desire for her to do well but you haven't mentioned once in your OP what your daughter wants.

My DC's have been raised with the assumption that they'll move away to uni at 18.

Raising them assuming they will stay at home is a huge barrier to social mobility imo.

Personally I think it does young people good to get away from familiarity when they go to uni. They learn so much about taking care of themselves, budgeting, cooking, exploring and making friends. I can understand why you'd like your daughter to spread her wings.

Bear in mind however, if she goes away she may not come back after. Both of my girls went away to university - one to London and one to cardiff. They've both made their post grad lives in their respective uni cities and as we're stuck in the middle, 2 hours from either of them, we don't see them as much as we'd like, particularly as we're now grandparents, but we all make an effort to meet up as regularly as we can. In contrast I have friends who were desperate for their DC to stay local - spoiled them rotten with home cooked meals, did their laundry, even ran their baths! The one family, their DC now lives in the same street, the other family their DC lives 2 mins away, so they get to see them all the time. I can't say I'm not jealous of their situation now, but I'm still glad my girls spread their wings and left our town.

I would also be cautious with the idea that a Russel group equals better career prospects. Ultimately it's what she does with it. Whatever my dqighterni would want her to be happy and content with the decision as she is more likely to do better. I feel you are perhaps living through your daughter?

I grew up in exactly the sort of place you describe, and I agree with you completely, she needs to spread her wings and get out - I did, and it was the making of me.

She may want to come back at a later date (I didn't), but she should at least see more of life first before deciding that.

Agree there is a lot of benefit to getting the full student experience and living elsewhere - however everyting is so much more expensive than when i went I can see why the opportunity to save 20 grand by living at home now is appealing - although as per Martin MSE most students your daughters age won't ever pay back all their loans so to some extent it is irrelevant whether they come out owing 30 grand or 45!

Could a compromise be going to a uni that isn't your city but also isnt too far? I went to a city only half an hour away from home for my first degree, where my dad actually worked! But still lived in halls/private accom and only went back home maybe once a month or less, so still felt like I had had the full student experience. Another benefit was that I could keep my student job throughout the summer because I was close enough to commute in.

If you say live in Leeds then Manchester would still feel like a big change but would be close enough the safety net is still there!

Even if she does prefer to stay close by you can still encourage her to travel or volunteer abroad over the summer holidays or do an internship in a different city or something.

By saying “I’m not judging anyone” but saying “she can do better than just settling down with a boy from school” implies you are judging everyone around you!

Stop this mindset now.

The most important things is what does your DD want to do?. If she doesn’t know what she wants then that’s absolutely fine. Most 17/18 year old have absolutely no clue. They need to figure life out for themselves at their own pace.

FWIW, I failed my A-levels, re-sat year 12 and moved away to uni when I was 19. I moved from a small Yorkshire town to Manchester city. & I loved it. Loved city life, met lots of amazing new friends. Amazing night life. Gained a whole new sense of independence. Felt like I “found myself”.

I stayed in Manchester for a few years after graduation. Got my first full time job there. Learnt how to look after and run a house. Pay my own bills. Became a proper adult there. After a couple of years I started to resent city life. All the fun of my student days had been sucked away. I didn’t go out as much. Friends started to move on. A lot moved to London. Some went traveling. Then I was left all alone in a city that felt so much like home but at the same time so alien to me.

At 26 I decided to come back home. To my hometown. My small town, where everyone knows each other. Everyone is settled down with people they knew from school. And you know what? I couldn’t be happier. I still have my friends from school. I am in a happy relationship and love my life here.

I am so thankful for the life I had away from home, the lessons I learnt and the experiences I had. But for others this isn’t the case. The grass isn’t always greener. Everybody’s experience of uni and moving away from home will be completely different.

It is completely up to your DD what she wants to do. And when she wants to do it. Yours and her expectations may be different. You can encourage her all you like but please don’t expect anything of her. This will be her choice and her decision, respect it.

I don't agree with that at all. Yes, it is important that her daughter do what she wants, but there is nothing wrong with encouraging her to think about widening her horizons, gaining new experiences, or going to a "better" university. If it's "superior" to want the best for your child and encourage them to get the best out of their formative years and their education, 99% of MN posters are snobs and superior.

FWIIW, OP, encourage her to explore the options and be honest and upfront about what you think, but without pushing those opinions on her. She is now of an age where she has to make her own successes or mistakes, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with providing some advice or opinion.

I couldn't wait to get out of my provincial town (pretty much as you described your city) albeit 40+ years ago. It was the best choice I made, and pretty much all the girls and most of the boys I did A levels with were married and staying local by the time I finished my second year. Half of them divorced and single parents within a couple more years!

My brother wanted to study in the local (10 miles away) city and my mother forbade it! She said that if he went he could forget about living at home, borrowing money, getting meals and laundry done - or coming home every week for all of those things. He wisely decided on another city 200 miles away - where he still lives, is happily married and has a family.

Of course that was all before student loans and the like. But I do believe that getting out in the world and experiencing new people and things is part of university, and you miss out on a whole experience if you stay local.

Obviously it has to be her decision, but that should not mean that you don't tell her the truth and why you feel that way. I totally get why you want more for her. She has a right to choose then. If it's the right choice, great judgement on her part. If it's the wrong one, it was her choice given all the information, and she lives with it. That is all any of us can do - own our own decisions.

I don't agree with that at all. Yes, it is important that her daughter do what she wants, but there is nothing wrong with encouraging her to think about widening her horizons, gaining new experiences, or going to a "better" university. If it's "superior" to want the best for your child and encourage them to get the best out of their formative years and their education, 99% of MN posters are snobs and superior

I'll live. The OP is full of little digs that she didn't need to make.

Mine have been raised with all options on the table: uni/not uni, local/not local/overseas.

I don't believe in limiting my kids.

The OP is full of little digs that she didn't need to make.

I think you are trying a bit too hard to find those 'digs'

No she’s not, she just want different and begged for her disgusted than she had.

I agree with you but your post is very judgemental to the people around you which does not come across well. you say your DD is on for A and B grades, for a lot of the Russell groups she needs A’s, some might accept AAB so you need to see if she will get these. You might want to assess the courses she wants to do and the universities you think she should attend to see what is available and go from there. My DS starts at a Russell uni next week and we focused on the cities he wanted to live in first.

Hull? I'm from there, and my 18 year old is the first one in the family to go to uni, she leaves for Newcastle this weekend. She's had a few wobbles and wanted to stay and go to Hull Uni a couple of times, but I know that in order to feel like she can live anywhere in the country or the world, she needs to escape Hull at a young age and experience life elsewhere. Otherwise when?

I think the best thing would be to try to take her to open days so she can experience other places but you can't force her to leave home for uni.

This^^ My DD is applying for university this year and we've done alot of open days at different types of universities, large, small, campus-based, city-based, etc. DD has worked out what appeals to her and is applying to those.

She's decided that she wants to get away from us, none are less than two hours away. 😁

My mum did this with me. "Get as far away from this dump as you can". I was never taught to value social connections and community.
So I went to Uni, settled in my Uni town where I met my husband, and eventually we moved an hour away from that to our 'forever home' on the edge of a national park.
I've lived a 3 hour drive from mum for 20 years, and will do forever. She's getting older now and is starting to want a bit of help and I'll never be able to provide it.
I'm very happy with my life - its all worked out great - but I've fought against intense loneliness since I left home at 18.
It's only in the last few years, now I'm nearly 40, that I've discovered a raft of beautiful, highly desirable, economically prosperous small towns and villages within the county that I'm from. They have quaint cottages, country walks, cycling and horseriding, characterful pubs, farm shops, trendy bakeries and so on!
It pains me that mum didn't encourage me to think about settling in my county. I could have been in a beautiful location a 20-30 minute drive from the 'dump' she encouraged me to get away from, close to her and surrounded by my large extended family.
Be careful what you wish for OP.

In all honesty if she is not thinking about moving away, encourage her to take a gap year and to go travelling for part of it - travel does broaden the mind they say! If she wants to then come home and attend university locally it's fine, she can make a better judgement a year older

I think that so much of the university experience is being away from home. I will certainly be encouraging my kids to move away to university. I think they would miss out on so much by remaining at home.

You are a great mum for pointing out that other options are avaliable in my opinion. It doesn't mean better just that there is a world beyond where you are.

Go to open days etc with her

If you're in Bradford YANBU...
Manchester, Durham and York are with in easy reach.

Stop trying to put pressure on your dd to fulfil the dreams that you didn’t. She will end up resenting you. It has to be her decision. I hope you take this on board from someone who’s parents forced me into a route I did not want.

Chester by any chance?

If so you'd be right to encourage your DD to attend elsewhere.