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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you "allowed" to talk to child outside school gates?

111 replies

Macbeth8 · 13/09/2022 13:01

Bit of a "should I have" moment

Day off and I always have the toddler- she doesnt go to any nursery or preschool yet.
She has gotten used to her big sis being home for the summer and seems lost without her. Bless
Before summer my 4 year old would only do 4 days at nurseryso we always had one day off all together
Shes just started Primary. And today I took toddler out to cheer her up, to cafe and the library which so happens to be near dd1s school so decided to have a walk past with no idea if it was their play out time!
Anyway it so happens it was! And dd1 was out with her friends n spotted us. They came running to the gate and wanted to talk. Dd2 had some blackberries in her hand and dd1&her mates all asked if they could have one
I just gave them 1 each n told them to go back&play. Just as I walked by, another parent who also has a son in my dds class walked past too - she gave me a really annoyed, angry look..I said hi (because recognised her) but didn't look happy at all! I think she had just pulled up and saw me hand those blackberries to them!
Im really distressed now worrying she might have reported me or tell the other mums!
Ive not seen any rules stating you arent allowed to do this? Was I wrong? I feel like an idiot now.

OP posts:
Starlight86 · 13/09/2022 13:03

Honestly, i think your reading too much into it OP, dont worry yourself.

RedHelenB · 13/09/2022 13:03

Children aren't encouraged to talk to people through the fence at school. Plus, giving food to children you don't know without asking their parents permission is definitely a no at that age.

Raindancer411 · 13/09/2022 13:04

I wouldn't say it was the talking that was the issue but to her, it may have looked like you were just giving food to random kids. Probably wouldn't do it again if I was youz

MessyBunPersonified · 13/09/2022 13:04

Saying hi was fine. Passing food through the fence to a bunch of kids that aren't yours, not so much.

5zeds · 13/09/2022 13:04

It’s fine though they shouldn’t be eating stuff given through the gates and that’s probably what she was frowning about.

sotired2 · 13/09/2022 13:07

I dont think its really the done thing to go up to fence at break time to talk to your child as it perhaps raises safe guarding issues as you could be anyone passing the kids anything. I wouldn't worry too much this time but I wouldn't make a habit of it.

User47484739478474 · 13/09/2022 13:07

I live in a village and the school is just behind us, sometimes I will walk past and give my kids a wave and a hello from the path that goes up past their school. I've even walked past and exchanged hellos to the teachers. That's no problem imo.

I would also be fine with the blackberries myself but other parents might have a different view on it. I was never allowed to eat hand picked blackberries as a kid. My own Dd is only allowed to eat then if they are picked high up and away from passing cars. There's also allergy risks but that's probably low.

don't be distressed, maybe she's having a bad day or is generally miserable. Sure she won't report you to anyone, there is nothing to report. I doubt anyone else will give a crap anyway!

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 13/09/2022 13:07

Ah ok I did think that with the food :( luckily dd1s mates that I gave the food to I know the both of them (had them over at my house for playdates) so know no allergies..I wouldnt have dared gave it to a child I didnt know of.

Feel a bit stupid!
So is it normal school parent practise to say hi and talk to child if walking past school gate? Just so I know.
Or does noone do this?

OP posts:
Soapboxqueen · 13/09/2022 13:07

You didn't just talking to them though did you. You gave them food. Were they store bought berries/washed /out of a Bush?

Who knows?

Anyway, fine to say hi but then you keep going. You don't want to encourage children to talk to random strangers who rock up at the gate and you definitely don't want them giving them things to eat

Tbh if I saw a random adult giving berries to children at the fence, I'd alert a member of staff.

Plumbear2 · 13/09/2022 13:08

The food was as big no no. You have no idea what allergies they may have.

Soapboxqueen · 13/09/2022 13:09

Soapboxqueen · 13/09/2022 13:07

You didn't just talking to them though did you. You gave them food. Were they store bought berries/washed /out of a Bush?

Who knows?

Anyway, fine to say hi but then you keep going. You don't want to encourage children to talk to random strangers who rock up at the gate and you definitely don't want them giving them things to eat

Tbh if I saw a random adult giving berries to children at the fence, I'd alert a member of staff.

*weren't just talking

🙄

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 13/09/2022 13:09

They were store bought from local organic shop that is just on the the other road from Primary school.

OP posts:
Soapboxqueen · 13/09/2022 13:11

Macbeth8 · 13/09/2022 13:09

They were store bought from local organic shop that is just on the the other road from Primary school.

You know that but everyone else doesn't.

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 13/09/2022 13:12

Yes I agree..definitely not going to do this again..just dont know if its a code of conduct or not.
The school is situated in a row of houses like a long row of houses then the school. So I suppose it would be normal for kids to see their parents
(We dont live that close though)

OP posts:
TheFuckingDogs · 13/09/2022 13:15

Aww think you’re thinking too much into it however it took me back to when mine was in reception and I happened to see them playing out and then my child fell running to me and was really crying but I couldn’t attract a teacher from such a distance and couldn’t climb over to help them either, was awful at the time 🤦‍♀️

thefatpotato · 13/09/2022 13:19

Really weird, and if I'd seen you doing that at my child's school I'd probably phone though to the school office and alert them.

But then we live in a bit so great part of London where there can be some...interesting characters.

BlueThingie · 13/09/2022 13:30

Agree with PP- if you have to walk past and they see you then a quick hello or wave is best then walk on. Even better if they don't see you. Definitely don't encourage them to see talking to adults at the gate and accepting food as normal. The teachers at my kids' school would have given you a polite bollocking.

Not worth worrying about now though- just be aware for next time.

SpoonyMcFace · 13/09/2022 13:33

No. Every school I've ever worked at has stopped any child talking to even their own parent through the fence.

You can't make sure that every member of staff knows every parent and grandparent of every child.

I don't know what I would do if I saw someone giving children food through the fence. Shock

user29 · 13/09/2022 13:39

No you absolutely can't feed some one elses' child be encouraging random children to engage in conversation woth adults outside the school during school hours. Ok, you are bona fide, but the next peron might not be!

dottiedodah · 13/09/2022 13:40

Probably know not to do it again! Really dont worry I doubt this will be the undoing of you! 1st time School Mum so unsure of protocol.Usually DC are discouraged from talking to people by School Gates in case they are unsavoury .Or DC may get upset at seeing DM or friends DM maybe as still quite young? Either way carry on as normal

LeafHunter · 13/09/2022 13:43

I wouldn’t do it. Even though I know DC would enjoy seeing me I’m aware other children might struggle at that age to understand why their parents hadn’t come by to say hello and I don’t want the teacher to have to sort out things like that.

Gardenista · 13/09/2022 13:44

At my daughters primary school the children are not allowed to play near the gates next to the street to prevent members of the public talking to the children. They are told to tell an adult if anyone tries to talk through the fence to them.

It is for their safety - it is very obvious when playtime is, and this policy is to prevent an adult forming “friendships “ with the pupils which could lead to grooming. It’s a safeguarding issue we discuss at governors meetings.

savoycabbage · 13/09/2022 13:46

Surely you don't need to 'see any rules' to understand why you shouldn't talk to children and feed them when they are at school.

Would you be OK if your daughter came home from school and took an orange out of her pocket and said that someone had given it to her through the fence. Would you say 'oh, how lovely'?

Pixiedust1234 · 13/09/2022 13:50

Don't go near the school at all. Not everybody knows you and giving food is a real no no. Its safe guarding 101. Dont go near strangers, dont accept food. Dont accept going with someone unless your parent says OK, even if they tell you mummy says okay.

Stop giving conflicting messages!!!

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 13/09/2022 13:57

I know. I regretted it as soon as it happened. Dd had seen me n her sis and had ran to me, her friends tagging along.
The teachers on duty had seen but didnt say anything as I was waiting to see if they called her back or anything. I did keep looking over at them to show I wasnt sure.
The blackberry idea was stupid.
Im dreading it now. Thinking there may be a notice out not to talk or call children over at school gate!
Really bad considering I dont feel like I fit in with the school parents anyway.

☹
Should I mention it in the school group chat?

OP posts: