To ask how the fuck do I get out?

[IroningThrone]

I'm living at home as I care for my mom. I have a health condition that means I can only work limited hours. I currently work 12 a week. I get a small amount of Universal Credit. Mid 20s, single, female.

My situation is getting untenable - mom is verbally and mentally abusive to me. We've just had a massive row when I asked where a certain pan was and she told me she'd thrown it out! I'm not allowed to get upset about people throwing my things away apparently.

It's constant though - she takes everything I say as a criticism and gets really nasty with me. Between that at her multiple and frequent health crisises, my mental health is in the gutter. Not trying to be dramatic but I often get in the car and dream about driving away never to return. Or on really bad days, driving it into a tree. I'm at breaking point.

I have £100 in my savings and get £120/w wages plus £340/m UC. Average rent alone in my area is £400+ so I just don't know how I could possibly afford it. Looking at different jobs but a lot of them are physically demanding and I'm can't physically do it.

What can I do? How the fuck do I get out?

This is also not a begging thread. I'm not after money, just advice!

Women's aid don't just d

Look to rent a room or houseshare. Or if you live in a cheap area, look for a cheap flat.

You don't have to be a carer for your mum. Especially not if she is abusive.

You are so young and it is time that you live your life for yourself, she should want that for you.

Sorry, women's aid don't just deal with abusive partners. Contact them for help.

You'll get housing benefit if you move out. Do you get PIP?

I think you would be entitled to a housing element of UC if you move out?

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds awful. Do you have any friends or other relatives you could stay with for awhile while you make more permanent plans?

Can you get your mum assessed for care? I don't know how that but works I'm sorry. I'd bot be caring for anyone who spoke to me like shit or threw my stuff away.

But for you, I would 100% get a flat share.
Increase your hours.

If your health conditions prohibit you working can you apply for PIP?

It's possible you could be eligible for housing benefit if you move out. Depending on your age it would probably be limited to a room in a shared house.

Does your mum have a disability or health condition that means she cannot care for herself? If so, you need to contact her GP ASAP and explain you can no longer care for her. Do you receive carers allowance?

Also contact your local citizens advice bureau.

Look for a houseshare as a first step, and I am not totally up on Universal Credit but you should be able to get the rent or a good proportion of it paid.
Look up EntitledTo.co.ukwebsite and it will tell you what you are entitled to.
You don't have to sacrifice your own health to look after your mum, you can move out, visit her and hopefully have a better relationship down the track.

Call Women's Aid too, and speak to social services if your mum is under them, you can ask for a Carers Assessment and highlight the impact it is having on you and that you cannot continue.

Write it all up. Every detail. Finish by stating clearly that you can no longer be your mother's carer and that you need help - and accommodation elsewhere - for the sake of your mental and physical health. Do it in great detail, once, so you don't have to go through it again. Email or post copies to your mum's gp, your gp, to adult social services (put both your names as in need of help) and if women's aid give you an email address, send it there as well. Send it with your application to a housing association. Send it to everyone! I did that when my dad was no longer able to care for my mother, and we did get help from it.

Could you work remotely, OP? If you look for remote jobs, perhaps that would allow you to up your hours a bit, as it wouldn’t be physically demanding in the same way a face-to-face job would be. That would then hopefully let you earn a higher salary, so you could then move out and rent a place of your own. Sorry about the situation with your mum ❤️

Your mean mum can look after her bitter old self. Find a houseshare and start building your life. You don't exist to be her servant.

Thank you all for being so kind!!!

Looking at remote work and have 10+ applications in.

I live rurally so no house shares available. No siblings and not many friends, certainly none who could house me at short notice. I also have a little cat which makes things more difficult.

Not eligible for PIP unfortunately. Already tried that and got knocked back. It's Long Covid which I'm genuinely struggling to get any help or support with, especially as my GP seems to think it's just anxiety despite real physical symptoms!

She's downstairs atm calling me "it" (when it goes to work...). I genuinely think she pushes a lot of her unhappiness onto me. She has COPD and can't physically do much.

I'm sorting stuff out to sell to try to get more of a deposit.

Will write a letter, thank you! I feel absolutely and totally done atm.

Is it worth applying to social housing?

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation op. You do really need to get away from she, she sounds highly abusive. Would you consider leaving the area completely? Somewhere as a fresh start and possibly more availability of flat shares? Do you have any siblings, friends or family you could stay with at least a few days a week so as to give you a mental break from her.

You live rurally right now but if you move why can't it be in a town? The whole point is to move on with life and you don't need to stick around for your mum. The world is waiting for you

What’s your mum’s condition? How old is she? Is she eligible to go into a home if she’s getting to be more than you can cope with?

Can you find all bills included house shares perhaps in a town if nothing rurally? There may be more job opportunities there also? Check if your UC would be recalculated if you were no longer living with your mum?

To be calling you “it” shows that she doesn’t respect you for all the sacrifices you have made for her.

I'd speak to your GP about getting you referred to some services for vulnerable people if they think you're not working because of health anxiety and see if you can get guidance that way.

Thanks - I just want to correct something though. I don't have health anxiety. I have some real and very debilitating symptoms due to Long Covid that I'm trying to get to the bottom of (only my GP practice is totally overwhelmed and while I need a face to face appointment I just can't get one!). A&E said its likely POTS and potentially lung damage but I'm stuck due to the GP situation. I used to run 5k daily and since Covid I'm lucky if I can climb the stairs without feeling very unwell.

I've listed a load of stuff on Vinted, emailed after a house share and I'm trying to pluck up the courage (will?) to contact Women's Aid.

There's only one house share listed on rightmove within a reasonable distance to my job so I feel a little bit stuck there!

She's mid sixties, has COPD and RA. I also think she's clinically depressed but she won't do anything about that. Nor will she seek counselling for her anger issues. She won't even consider a home, got discharged to one after leaving hospital at Christmas and made a couple of the staff cry because she was so awful.

Did you try room sharing sites?

spareroom.co.uk maybe…someone will know

You dont have to stay on the area especially if your mum is so awful. Perhaps a new start in a new city with house share.