To ask how the fuck do I get out?

[IroningThrone]

I'm living at home as I care for my mom. I have a health condition that means I can only work limited hours. I currently work 12 a week. I get a small amount of Universal Credit. Mid 20s, single, female.

My situation is getting untenable - mom is verbally and mentally abusive to me. We've just had a massive row when I asked where a certain pan was and she told me she'd thrown it out! I'm not allowed to get upset about people throwing my things away apparently.

It's constant though - she takes everything I say as a criticism and gets really nasty with me. Between that at her multiple and frequent health crisises, my mental health is in the gutter. Not trying to be dramatic but I often get in the car and dream about driving away never to return. Or on really bad days, driving it into a tree. I'm at breaking point.

I have £100 in my savings and get £120/w wages plus £340/m UC. Average rent alone in my area is £400+ so I just don't know how I could possibly afford it. Looking at different jobs but a lot of them are physically demanding and I'm can't physically do it.

What can I do? How the fuck do I get out?

I have Long Covid and I am a carer too OP, it is hard enough without being abused by the person you are caring for.

You have care experience so something like this scheme might work for you. Local councils sometimes run them too, so you might find a scheme locally. You could get paired with someone much easier to live with than your mum.

www.sharemyhome.co.uk/

Try m.spareroom.co.uk

Much better than right move for house shares

You need to be able to live your own life. You are in a difficult situation right now but one step at a time and you will be able to get out of it.

Even if your mother treated you beautifully, it still wouldn't be your responsibility to look after her.

Apply for new style esa. You can work some hours and get topped up with esa if you are successful.

Your mother is abusing you. Who would call their own daughter ’it’?

Do you even want to stay in the same area op, sounds like you need a fresh start to your new life?

Thanks - I just want to correct something though. I don't have health anxiety. I have some real and very debilitating symptoms due to Long Covid that I'm trying to get to the bottom of (only my GP practice is totally overwhelmed and while I need a face to face appointment I just can't get one!)

Oh I believe you - but you said your GP thinks it's anxiety-related so I'm suggesting you use that to get signposted to the relevant services that will then assist with housing. I was suggesting you use their disbelief to your advantage.

This was my first thought .

That's so lovely . There is a big world out there waiting for OP to join it . OP has her whole life ahead of her and it starts now .

As an aside, have you been claiming carers allowance for your mum? I am pretty sure it can be backdated, but not sure how that would work if you are not planning on caring for her going forward.

But it might be worth applying and claiming back dated allowances to allow you to get a bit of money behind you for a deposit?

Would you consider moving out of the area?

I read somewhere some time ago about a scheme that links a young adult needing inexpensive accommodation with an old person or couple with a spare room, who they take as a lodger.

The lodgers are vetted, they get good cheap lodgings and the older person gets a bit of security and help around the home. The case I read was a young man lodging with an aged lady, it worked really well for both of them.

If that is something that could work for you try Age UK?

Agree.

Also calling refuge and woman's aid is a good shout.

Please contact adult social services, can she be moved to a home? I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thinking of you, @IroningThrone

How about using one of the support organisations such as Fightback 4 Justice to help with PIP and ESA applications. I just went through PIP process, it was stressful however with support, I did get it. I work 4 days a week.

You don’t have to look after your Mum. Adult social care will carry out an assessment and support her care needs, the cost will depend on her savings, so if she does not have many, she does not pay. So she will be looked after, you don’t have to be responsible.

Time to think of yourself . If you walk away the LA will have to provide carers. Let them.
you might need to look at relocating to a city nearby to get the best chance in life. Think about your future . Perhaps going back into education for a few years? Student finance plus a little part time work will be enough to live on and you would get the chance to make friends and be a young person again? Lots of people I know did that in their mid twenties and it worked out brilliantly for them. Don’t mention the cat to landlords , it doesn’t matter. If you pay the rent and keep the place nice it won’t be an issue .

Spare rooms is excellent.

Would you like to move where there is a bit more life op? A bigger town or city?

I am sorry to hear what you are doing through OP. Please don’t give up on PIP and consider re-applying, so many wrongly don’t get awarded on first application so worth applying again. Do you attend a long covid clinic? I know they offer little in treatments as none have been developed, but they could help with writIng a support letter for your PIP. Also if you have suspected POTS, you could ask to be referred to a cardiologist to have tilt table testing and get a diagnosis. Some treatments can help POTS, though don’t always work and there are different causes to POTS.

I have ME and and orthostatic intolerance as part of my symptom picture. A cardiologist visited me at home, paid privately, and he diagnosed suspected POTS. I am too ill for the tilt table test. I am bedridden and when I switched from DLA to PIP, I got too low points for how ill I am receiving only low care. I appealed and they did eventually give me the correct award, so don’t give up.

If you are ill and below the age of 35, with supporting medical letters you can be entitled to a one bedroom rate and not just the shared rate for a room in a shared property. This is another good reason to ask to be referred to a LC clinic.

Depending on where you are in the country - ie not in an expensive area - the housing allowance part of UC may cover the full rent for a one bedroom flat. The obstacle is getting a landlord to rent to you. My landlord agreed to my parents acting as guarantor so some will agree to that but not all. I don’t know if you have any one who could be guarantor. I was fortunate my parents could do that. You then also need to have a month’s deposit up front and a month’s rent, but the month’s housing support will be backdated to the day you move in if you make your application on the day you rent.

I wish you all the best, it’s horrible losing so much functioning when so young, and there is a lot of grieving for the loss of your previously healthy self. I would say there is more hope effective treatments will be developed in the coming years than when I first got ME many years ago. Also if you pace your reduced energy well now, there is a chance with long covid you will improve a lot but it is vital you have as little stress as possible and living with your mum sounds incredibly stressful.

Look on house share specific websites. I've not been in houseshares for over a decade now, but I had success on easyroommate, spareroom and gumtree. There may now be other websites in existence! I did end up having to pay to subscribe to spareroom and easyroommate as they release the information earlier to paid subscribers and rooms went really quickly where I was looking. Also have a look on your local Facebook market place or buying/selling pages. Rightmove isn't likely to be your best option. Are you near a university, and would you consider sharing with mature students? If so have a google for university student private accommodation near you. Good luck!! You can definitely do this, and can find a house share willing to take on your cat (I've lived with various housemates pets!) - it may just take a bit longer to find one :) Can anyone care for your cat in the meantime if you move into a temporary option?

I'm sorry your in this situation. Its a miserable place to be when the person you share a home with is abusing you and you feel you have no escape due to work, financial and/or health issues.

I think your best way forward is to start working towards a plan. So many start to make plans, then everything calms down for abit (the cycle of abuse) so the plans come to a halt, then the abuse starts again and your back at square 1 feeling even more miserable & down than the last time you found yourself in this horrible place. That's why you need a plan that is realistic, that you can stick to.

Obviously in order to have your own house you need money. That's where you need to start first in your plan. Check your claiming everything you can, can you increase your hours, if not, is it possible to start searching for another or a 2nd job, even one that is remote working, start to look at how much you can start saving per week/month and put it away in a savings account.

Even if this plan doesn't get you away from your situation straight away then at least a plan offers you hope and offers you a brighter, happier future. A plan, that you stick to, will also help you cope mentally and emotionally because next time anything happens, you will be that bit closer to getting out of this situation.

Whilst making & working towards this plan, contact other services and see if they can help at all. Places like your local council - housing options team if they have one, women's aid. Have a look at house shares etc aswell and if they seem unrealistic at the moment then work the option of those into your plan for the future.

I'm older than you and have had a lot of my life ruined by my mother. She is the person who has caused me the most tears.

Looking back through the years to you, here is my advice. Get in your car, go as far away as possible, get a full time job and live your life. Tomorrow, get a copy of The Lady and find a job-any job-that offers accommodation.

You will never ever be thanked for wasting your youth by your mother and it will get worse until one day she will turn around and tell you that she never asked you to give up your life.

Go.

Hmmm I did see the bit about you only being able to work part-time, but on the basis that only you know what you can manage, how about some sort of work that includes accommodation. Eg live in carer Would only need to be for a short time as you could build up savings to rent a room. Or there are schemes where you live with an elderly person and do a few hours to help them out, not personal care. I will see if I can find the details. Bound to be less annoying than your mum!

Ps I forgot to add your Council May possibly be able to help with a rental deposit. Worth ringing them to enquire.

I'm sorry OP. People tend to disregard the abuse elderly women are capable of. Dementia may be an element but it can be unbearable and then you find that they receive so much sympathy and you get blamed for being uncaring and neglectful. It's brutal.