To ask how the fuck do I get out?

[IroningThrone]

I'm living at home as I care for my mom. I have a health condition that means I can only work limited hours. I currently work 12 a week. I get a small amount of Universal Credit. Mid 20s, single, female.

My situation is getting untenable - mom is verbally and mentally abusive to me. We've just had a massive row when I asked where a certain pan was and she told me she'd thrown it out! I'm not allowed to get upset about people throwing my things away apparently.

It's constant though - she takes everything I say as a criticism and gets really nasty with me. Between that at her multiple and frequent health crisises, my mental health is in the gutter. Not trying to be dramatic but I often get in the car and dream about driving away never to return. Or on really bad days, driving it into a tree. I'm at breaking point.

I have £100 in my savings and get £120/w wages plus £340/m UC. Average rent alone in my area is £400+ so I just don't know how I could possibly afford it. Looking at different jobs but a lot of them are physically demanding and I'm can't physically do it.

What can I do? How the fuck do I get out?

Oh love, your life is worth more than this. You need to get out of this situation as it will eat you up and destroy you. Life is short. Sorry don’t have anything in addition to suggestions people have already made

get a full time job and live your life.

The OP says she has long covid and by the sounds of it it has reduced her functioning so a full time job may well not be physically possible at the moment and if it is not to push to do more can be counter productive and make the OP more ill. I don’t have long covid but do have ME and a main form of LC has some similar symptoms to ME, particularly the post exertional symptom exacerbation. Physical, mental and emotional energy can all be limited and if you exceed your energy limits you will feel more ill, flu like and utterly exhausted. POTS on top contributes to further poor functioning. It’s like living on a v low charged battery that never fully recharges. If the OP has post exertional symptom exacerbation they are probably physically unable to work full time. Some can’t work at all.

@Boxowine she’s hardly elderly and the op hasn’t said that she has dementia. She’s just an abusive arsewipe.

OP Im so sorry your mum is abusive. Please call Women's Aid NOW. No more mustering up the courage. They're there to help GIVE you courage. Please do it as you're young ans have a whole life ahead of you.

Also while you definitely have a genuine debilitating health condition, the stress of your situation will be exacerbating it. If it helps make the move, tell yourself you're leaving for your health - physical as well as emotional - because neither can be maintained currently in the situation you're in.

OP,

You poor thing.

You need to get out.

Start clearing out your clothes so you can pack quickly.

Get your essential paperwork together.

You need to be able to move quickly.

Women's aid is for any woman being abused by ANYONE.

You will find support and advice.

Please contact them.

A refuge place might come up for you.

Keep posting.

This.
Op says her mum is in her mid sixties-most of us will be working until 67.
There could be another 30 years of this.

To add further OP, I know I gave info on getting the housing element of UC to cover rent as one option, but I agree with those also suggesting seeing if you can get on housing association lists. I know there could be a long wait but good or get your name on there. If you do get referred to long Covid clinic they may be able to provide medical support to submit to a Housing Association.

Finally, if you get medical support evidence from a long covid clinic for a new PIP application, which can help massively, I would also as someone else suggested seek help from the organisations that help with filling in the forms. Someone has already mentioned fightback for justice, another good one is the Benefits and Work website. Also there may be long Covid groups online that give advice on filling out on PIP.

Do you get carers allowance for looking after her?

I have a BA and a MA already! It's in a slightly niche area and I'm struggling to find jobs that I can physically do. Getting Covid/long Covid wasn't in the plan when I started my degree!

@IroningThrone I am so sorry to hear your situation is so difficult & stressful.

I strongly suggest that you contact the Carers UK helpline for information, help & support.

You are a carer & no-one should be forced to care.
Your situation is adversely affecting your physical & mental health.
Your GP is to see you a carer under extreme pressure.
If you go under, then your GP & the local social services have to step up, so your GP needs to review your wellbeing through that lens.

Find out from the CarersUK helpline how to effectively get a Carers Assessment which is to entirely focused on all aspects of your physical & MH.

Please jump onto the CarersUK forum for some support, you are not alone in this. There is great wisdom, suggestions, kindness & humour to be found there.

The minimum you need is your own health needs addressed, some respite for yourself & an up-to-date assessment for your mother as her abusive behaviours may indicate a deterioration of her condition. This should be addressed.

If she’s always been abusive towards you, you need help to get away.
I second contacting Women’s Aid as well.

If you have been her carer for a long time, this will take its toll & you really do need a break & some support to make the life you want & need. If you need to break away from her, then this is what you need for your life.

Carers UK www.carersuk.org/home

Carers UK helpline www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/talk-to-us

Carers UK forum www.carersuk.org/forum

I hope you can manage to leave. You are much too young to be trapped like this. With your qualifications you might be able to join agencies for online tutoring. My dd is your age, and her university is still providing careers advice, help with interviews (they did a mock interview with her before her last job).

You can claim housing benefits and you'd also be automatically eligible for council tax reduction being a single occupant.

Citizens Advice give free advice to people concerning money, benefits, rent etc.

Is your mum on any benefits that would entitle you to claim Carers Allowance (Attendance Allowance, disability)? You don't have to be living with her, just helping out. Or does your salary mean you are ineligible?

It actually sounds as if you would be better off not working but spending a few hours helping out your mum every day, living alone and receiving CA, Carers Credit, and housing benefit for your rent. At the minute you do sound trapped with a very unreasonable person.

Yes, contact Citizens Advice or Women's Aid or both, as others have advised.

Wow OP, you can do this!! We are rooting for you! Your mum sounds beyond help to be honest, you’ve done enough helping her this long. This is your time. You already have a masters, that’s more than I and many have!! Go live your life!!

If you rent somewhere you would get shared accomodation rate of Uc. However if oyu currently get carers element of UC for caring for your mum and you no longer are going to be doing this you would lose that element.

With your qualifications you might be able to join agencies for online tutoring.

I know this was written with the best of intentions but if the OP has the form of long covid that means amongst other symptoms her energy levels are limited and exceeding them makes her feel more ill and flu like then it is not only physical energy that is limited but mental energy too. So of course I am not the OP and only they know what their body can manage, but it may be 12 hrs work weekly is all she can sustain even doing online work. Obviously online work can help as you are using less energy than commuting, doing physical work but it will be still limited.

Op can't claim housing benefit as she is on UC. She can claim the Uc rent element. The only way she could claim housing benefit is if she was placed in emergency housing.

The rent element of UC is effectively housing benefit.

I'm so sorry for your situation OP
I know you're in a remote area now but you could consider a fresh start in the nearest Town/ city?
I think you need advice asap. Woman's aid first
CAB would go through housing application and benefits advice. As you're unwell you're probably entitled to new style ESA.
They will also claim PIP with you if you ring for the application form.
You would be eligible for housing costs support( or whatever it's called nowadays)
You would also be entitled to council tax reduction/ support
As you already claim UC it should be fairly easy to get these in addition
I think I've read your posts before about your Mum
I sincerely advise you to move out and on with your life as I would anyone in an abusive relationship( which you are)
Better times are ahead. You just need to take the first step
Your Mum will get help from another organisation so don't let your sense of duty and guilt hold you back.

If you rent somewhere you would get shared accomodation rate of Uc.

If the OP applies for PIP again after asking for a referral to a long covid clinic and then can submit more medical support then this time successfully gets awarded the PIP care component, standard or enhanced, they will be entitled to the one bedroom Local housing allowance rate for the housing element of UC even if they under age 35.

First - stand up to her. Bullies are not used to being challenged. Tell her you absolutely refuse to be her carer for another day unless she shows you respect, kindness and politeness. Make it a condition of you even considering staying that she sees the GP about her anger and depression. Go with her to the appointment and explain. You can also write to the GP on her behalf and express concern, giving typical behaviour issues and explaining that her behaviour is pushing you to breaking point.

Next, look into her getting alternative care. Contact SS and say you can't look after her any longer due to her abuse and your MH suffering. Tell them you are walking out and so informing them that the burden of care passes to them. Overstate the case so that at very least, you get some respite.

Go off to a quiet cafe somewhere and consider your options.

• One thing you could consider is housesitting. You get somewhere nice to live for free in exchange for basic caretaker duties. Look into house sitting agencies in your area. I know a woman who escaped an abusive marriage by doing this.
• Or you could look for a lodger's room - lower rent and no bills, but no assured tenancy - you are living in someone else's home by their rules. As long as you found the right place, it could be a good short term solution.
• Can you look for work that isn;t too strenuous, from home, to supplement the 12 hours you currently do? I've had post-viral fatigue before so I have a lot of sympathy with your Long Covid problems and know that 12 hours a week is pretty impressive. I barely managed one hour a day for months when I was at my weakest. But I found gently pushing myself to do an extra 10 minutes aevery other day helped me get back into a better routine.

You get nothing these days by being accommodating and underplaying the problem. Make sure SS and GP both know how low you are feeling and how very badly she has been treating you.

Infinitely more rewarding and mentally and physically exhausting than living with an abusive mother, I would have thought.

The OP said that she was looking for work, but that the physically demanding nature of some jobs made it difficult.

Let's not be negative, or throw up obstacles.

This counts as domestic abuse, contacts women’s aid and see if they can support you. Call social services and tell them you’re leaving , explain why and they will have to attempt a social care assessment. You don’t have to stay and be treated like this, you have your entire life ahead of you.

Gumtree, Openrent and spare room are other sites that may have house shares. Even when I lived quite rurally, you’d see people looking for lodgers on gumtree.

If you just want to get away for a while, and not feel stuck in the house with your mother, you could try looking for opportunities like pet/ house-sitting, Workaway and/or jobs that come with accommodation.
For example www.workaway.info/ - hosts usually expect a max of 25 hours 'work' per week - it sounds like you're probably doing that much at the moment (12 hours paid work plus the same amount of housework?)
You could do it within the UK, so travel wouldn't cost much, or even consider visiting another country - whichever, it would be an escape from what sounds like a toxic environment, might give you some ideas about different places to live/work in future, and as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder - your mother might realise how much you do for her and give you a bit more respect when you come back?