To ask how the fuck do I get out?

[IroningThrone]

I'm living at home as I care for my mom. I have a health condition that means I can only work limited hours. I currently work 12 a week. I get a small amount of Universal Credit. Mid 20s, single, female.

My situation is getting untenable - mom is verbally and mentally abusive to me. We've just had a massive row when I asked where a certain pan was and she told me she'd thrown it out! I'm not allowed to get upset about people throwing my things away apparently.

It's constant though - she takes everything I say as a criticism and gets really nasty with me. Between that at her multiple and frequent health crisises, my mental health is in the gutter. Not trying to be dramatic but I often get in the car and dream about driving away never to return. Or on really bad days, driving it into a tree. I'm at breaking point.

I have £100 in my savings and get £120/w wages plus £340/m UC. Average rent alone in my area is £400+ so I just don't know how I could possibly afford it. Looking at different jobs but a lot of them are physically demanding and I'm can't physically do it.

What can I do? How the fuck do I get out?

It’s not about being negative or throwing up obstacles. It’s about what the OP can manage with their level of health without making them deteriorate further. It’s vital to not push beyond the body’s limits with the form of long covid that includes post exertional symptom exacerbation, as it gives the best chance of improvement and possibly full recovery if managed well at this beginning stage. I also said only the OP knows what their body can do, so if they can do more hours working online before they reach their energy limits imposed by the illness than physical work which is v possible, then great. I am just pointing out that mental energy is affected as well and there may still be limits.

Of course it goes without saying that putting in place the things that will allow them to move out and leave such a stressful situation is also vital for managing their LC. Emotional energy must also be managed as much as possible.

This is genius!

Would it be worth discussing with your GP, maybe try anti depressants and contact social services for advice. Your mum can not treat you like this, it's not ok. Hope you manage to find some help x

Although I don’t know the full procedure for this, I suspect it would be a good idea to make sure your gp is aware of the impact caring for your mother is having on you, both mentally, physically and emotionally. Change your gp if yours is not very sympathetic. This is so that when you speak to social services about the impact and how you aren’t managing, your gp notes back this up.

OP, I referred to the PIP care component above, I worded it wrongly, it’s called the daily living component, awarded at standard or enhanced rate. The other component is mobility.

I think the environment you are living in isn’t helping your Long Covid. The stress of just being in the same house listening to someone who is angry and abusive towards you must take a physical toll on your mental and physical health

I think the relief when you finally walk out of the door and into your new life I think will really help your health. Even if it just means you aren’t under constant stress it is going to be better for you.

Re work from home stuff. I don’t think it is the right time of year atm but there is always marking exams. Especially in the niche sector you are qualified in.
A friend used to make and sell jewellery on Etsy. There is Matched Betting, buying and selling stuff, drop shipping. There are lots of different things you can do on line where you can do as much or as little as you wish to and be able to earn money.
I would also recommend you get a Quidco account or Topcashback account. Apart from when you go through the site to access the shop or company you want to buy from normally and you get a tiny percent cash back there are also occasionally deals where you buy something and the cash back exceeds the amount spent.

If you can afford to move out then do so. But not at a expense than you have to do without. It's all very well to say houseshare. But if you can't afford an additional cost than it will be worse living in a houseshare with no money trying to cope with the rising cost of everything

As mentioned, I'd phone GP. It might only be a telephone appointment you get, but sounds like you need support. If you don't get anywhere, maybe Citizens Advice or Social Services can help - it's not right you're in an abusive household. Just come across this, hopefully it'll help you www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Just in case you need help with your little cat cinnamon.org.uk have foster carers. Cats Protection might be able to help with a foster carer too.

Good luck with all your applications, I hope things go well for you.

If you are ill and below the age of 35, with supporting medical letters you can be entitled to a one bedroom rate and not just the shared rate for a room in a shared property. This is another good reason to ask to be referred to a LC clinic.

OP, I wrote the above and was wrong that supporting medical evidence may mean you could be entitled to a one bedroom rate and not just the shared rate for a room in a shared house. The criteria is actually if someone gets PIP daily living component, standard or enhanced, they will be entitled to the one bedroom Local housing allowance rate for the housing element of UC even if they under age 35. As said earlier, do consider re applying for PIP especially if you can get a referral to a long covid clinic and get supporting medical evidence from the clinic. PIP is often wrongly denied on the first application.

Dear Op, I don't have much to add to the excellent advice that has already been given here....just to say that the situation you describe is untenable and it needs to change. You can't go on like this and you deserve a good life.

I agree that when you escape from this your health will probably improve too; so please ensure you get all the help that is available. I am sure better times are ahead of you, sending you every good wish.

I agree. I have had ME for over 10 years now. I had a counsellor, who thought helping me was repeatedly asking what I was going to do with my life, being that dd was in nursery almost full time. She was there because I couldn’t look after her. I was pouring my heart out about my pain at not being able to be with my dd to a woman, who was unable to listen. Negative or throwing obstacles I was not.

As for cognitive function, this can be very limited and I often have to search for basic words. Theoretically I could also tutor but struggle to follow a book let alone comprehend any kind of academic writing/scholarly publications or create coherent lesson plans.

What are your BA and MA in? Have you looked into part time traineeships which promise a job offer if you do well? If you're doing PT work, you might use the rest of the time for an online course tgat may open up more avenues?

Another idea would be to get a teaching English as a

Sorry hit post too early. Another idea would be to get a teaching English as a foreign language qualification and get the f out of the country. They often offer housing. Or nannying with a childcare qualification?

If you are in a small rural area start putting adverts in local shop windows and newspapers offering to be a lodger/house share. Lots of people are rethinking things and would appreciate the extra money. Maybe even another young woman wanting to leave home would love to flat share or house share with you.

fheres loads of remote jobs that would be flexible if you had a disability. Also get into a private rented one and claim single persons support they will pay your rent

Through universal credit. You’d need a deposit first though and a guarantor- can you take out a loan and get a family member to help?

Hi Op, sorry if this has already been asked, but how old are you? In my area of the North East there are loads of properties available for over 55's, but if you have health issues that can definitely be lowered. For the majority this means that housing benefit pays for the whole rent, and the properties are lovely. Have a look at Joseph Rowntree Trust to see what's available.

You know you are in a domestically abusive situation right? Get out girl - ring Women's aid or splitz, and go to housing options at your local council to get into the system. You are fleeing.

You deserve a door to close to call your own, where your mental health is safe, and there is help out there for you. Please consider asking for it!

Women's Aid
Refuge
Shelter
Citizens Advice.

Good luck ❤️

Huge sympathies to you OP

It does seem as though the fastests option would be to move somewhere less remote. Why don't you look at room shares in your nearest town - just so you know the options, then you can call Citizens Advise/Refuge etc and see what they can do.

Financially, things will be easier once you are away from your toxic mum.

I am sorry you have ME (me too for many years now). I saw after your post a poster suggesting the OP perhaps could do an online course on top of her part time work which if her form of LC is similar to ME could probably be too much as mental work still requires energy. Also as you say cognitive function is usually affected in ME and I see some people with LC reporting similar problems.

I am sorry your counsellor did not grasp how the illness affected your mental stamina and cognitive function as well as physical stamina. You would hope a counsellor working with someone with ME would read up on how ME affects the body, but I know still many are still not given sufficient training on the effects of ME on the body.

I am limited in how much mental study I can do without getting more ill and my concentration and word recall, like you, is poor. Writing on here wipes me out fairly quickly and has to be paced . If someone is not severely affected they may of course be able to manage a little more mental work than physical but it still needs to be paced and there are limits.

Of course I don’t disagree working from home for someone with ME or the form of LC that shares similar symptoms to ME who can manage it might let them do more hours than going out to work but it is very possible even at that level they still couldn’t do a full working week, study or work.

@IroningThrone, I was just reading on the Benefits and Work website that the success rate for PIP appeals is a very high 71% (DLA 66% and ESA 58%). So they also advise if you consider a decision is wrong, an appeal is always worth considering. You are more likely to win than lose. If you have passed the appeal dates then you can re apply.