Housework issues

[FunkyDunky]

Im a sahm to 2 dc (13&10). A couple of years ago i happily did all the housework, cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc as dc were little and dh worked long hours out of the house.

However, since covid dh dh is now wfh most days and the dc are older and more independent (meaning I'm no longer the only one capable of loading/unloading the dishwasher for example.)

But im finding that im getting more and more annoyed at no one helping and I'm starting to really resent no one else pitching in, even when i ask.

And yes, i have tried to talk to them about this. Things improve for 2 or 3 days, then slip back into old habits.

Its lots of little things, but its all built up and I'm ready to explode. I dont want to constantly 'nag'. I ask, i ask, i ask and nothing changes.

To give an example - i put ds clean laundry in his bedroom, all he has to do is put it away in his wardrobe (5 min job). Instead that pile of clean laundry gets thrown on the floor, then buried in dirty laundry, left to fester until i either loose my shit or he sneaks it back into the laundry basket for the whole cycle to continue again. I have spent a week asking him to put it away, it hasnt been done. So as of yesterday i am no longer doing any of his laundry. I refuse.

Does anyone have any tips/coping strategies/advice? Because its all really getting me down.

Just stop doing it for them. Do your own laundry. If you see they have put unworn clothes in for washing, give them them back.

If they won't help wash the plates they've used, serve them food on the dirty plates. They'll soon learn.

Words are cheap, as you have found out. The behaviour works for them, why would they change.

Is it just your DS not putting laundry away or is it a multitude of other issues? Because tbh that sounds like very normal early teen behaviour!

I think the issue is you're a SAHM who's been doing all of this for 13 years, of course they expect it when it's been the only life your DC have ever known - and probably the only life your DH can remember! Tbh at 10 and 13 your DC are still young.

If you don't want to be doing everything, have you considered getting a job and becoming less available? It would possibly force everyone to step up and give a hand, if they saw you weren't around to do things. Otherwise they won't see any change between you doing all the things you normally do a year ago, and now.

The kids need to start doing chores. No screens/consoles/football until their allocated chores for the day are done.

With regard to your husband, if you were happy doing all house-related things because you don't work, him WFH doesn't make a difference to that except him having extra time because of commute.

In honesty, if you’re a SAHM a lot of this is what you’ve signed up for.

That said, I do see the issue with “lazy” children and I agree that you need to do something about that and putting clean laundry in his bed for him to put away seems reasonable.

This.

@VanillaParkersBowl yup, thats pretty much where I'm at, ive reached the stage of why should i do anything for you when none of you will lift a finger to do stuff for me.

@yonce its a multitude of teeny irritations that have built up. Like the family food shop, if i ask what people want for dinner next week i get a chorus of "whatever", but at dinner someone will inevitably someone will moan about something not being to their liking.

Or the bin is full, but they just pile stuff on the lid rather than emptying it (dh very guilty of this one!).

Or they just leave their dirty plates on the side, rather than putting them in the dishwasher.

I know it all sounds really minor and petty, but its just endless things like that.

My kids have a chore list on the fridge each day, until they've done those chores they're not allowed on the computers. The chores will change daily according to what I need doing. They can be things like putting out the recycling cleaning their desks, putting the laundry away, usually two or three chores a day.

Works a treat, if anyone is found on the computer without having done their chores then their computer is switched off immediately. I've only had to do that once, my children are 12 & 13.

We had a similar issue where we were asking our teenage daughter to empty the bin in her bedroom..it went for weeks without being emptied so when she asked me to do something for her I told her I would, after she’d emptied her bin!

It took a few more days before she did but it’s called bargaining power 😃

It might sound cheesy, but it sounds like you could use a visual reminder of what chores the kids need to be doing and when they need to do them. Eg son needs to put clean clothes away before dinner, or no wifi for that evening and he does his laundry himself next week. For it to work, you would need your DH on board with following through with the consequences and him doing his part to set an example to his kids.

@girlmom21 yes, but dh wfh does cause extra mess. E.g. he'll make a sandwich for lunch and doesn't care that hes left crumbs over the countertop, a splodge of jam, a dirty knife not in the dishwasher, whatever. I know it all sounds so fucking petty, but i just feel so unappreciated - ive cleaned the kitchen and he then can't even spend 2 seconds wiping a counter or whatever. And yeah, its just a couple of crumbs and whatever but its millions of little things like this building up over days/weeks/months.

The plates left on the side - go and fetch the person responsible, ask them to deal with the plate now, your not a waitress, and stand over them while they put them in the dishwasher/wash it. Keep doing that until they finally get the message that you'll be hassling them if they don't do it so they might as well do it the first time. Worked for me.

I got everyone individually coloured crockery and glasses. They are responsible for cleaning their own dinnerware.

Its not clean at dinner time, tough. They suffer the consequences.

They use someone else’s then they get an instant week long devices ban.

*you're

Things like putting laundry away and tidying their rooms, I'd take their phones and gadgets off them until it's done.
Other stuff - call them back to do it.

Put the work in now otherwise it'll be impossible once they're older teens.

Oh no that's disrespectful - he should be cleaning up after himself when making lunch or whatever.

I managed to fracture my ankle over the summer. So rest of family have had to step up. And I intend to keep it that way!

Beforehand though there were consequences if the kids didn't do what I asked, usually device related consequences.

If I was you I'd get a job and have new rules at the same time.

I know what you mean. My DH has gone from never working from home to doing it once or twice a week since Covid and it makes a huge difference. An extra person being in the house the whole day creates a surprising amount of additional mess.

Get a job and stop doing everything for them

Dh and kids

They can make their own food and do their own washing

You don't need to get a job. Just start with natural consequences. They'll soon learn.

@PrinceOfPegging (excellent username btw) i actually love the idea of getting them all colour coded crockery. I can see who the culprit is for the plate in the stairs, the mug on the table, the spoon on the sofa.

@foghead yeah, i worry about how they'll be as teens (and a 50ish year old grown up dh who seems to have reverted to an incompetent child)

@faw2009 breaking my leg would be a slightly extreme solution, but I'll keep it in mind.

^ this, with everything they leave out. Also make sure to do it when they are mid-game or mid-tv watching so it is the most inconvenient time for them. They had the opportunity to do it at a convenient time but because they didn't now they do it when you say.

And you don't need a job you need to parent your children so they do the things they have been asked to do. I am a sahm with teens, they do all their chores, prep dinner, set the table, empty bins, put laundry on and away etc because they have had responsibility for themselves from a young age and have had tasks added to their chore list. They also know I am not their slave, I am their Mum. They will need to learn to do everything I do so that they can look after themselves when they move out.

As a SAHM your job has been to look after the household so unless you plan on getting a job outside of the home why would anyone else even consider pitching in? They see that as your roll. I agree that teens should be sorting out their own rooms and hanging their own clothes up but unless you totally stop doing it for them they will continue to let you. My sons are 22 and 26 ( both still at home) and I refuse to do their laundry, they have household jobs to do and we split all of the bills. I have always worked and I am now at an age where I have told them its time for me now.
Get yourself a part time job and have a family meeting .

I think when one person WFH and the other is out all day working or whatever can create resentment.
I get home after work and my partner who has been home all day was so busy he couldn't spare the 5mins to put his lunch bits in the dishwasher and turn it on...or chuck the finished clothes out on the line/dryer.
Little things but they do build up I agree.
I will wash any clothes of my sons if they are in the wash basket otherwise I will ignore them.

I think it's tricky because as a SAHM to two fairly independent school aged children, it's not unreasonable for you to be doing the bulk of domestic tasks. But what seems to be happening is it's gone from you taking on responsibility for the major tasks to everyone thinking they can still act like toddlers around you.

On the weekend I asked DS to empty dishwasher. It is his ONLY regular chore, and I don't make him do it daily. I also don't make him do it instantly - I ask and there's usually a window in which he can do it. In this case, an hour. It still wasn't done. I was getting annoyed. Both Dh and MIL offered to do it. But it wasn't about me not wanting to do it, it was about the fact that he's old enough to take some responsibility. I think that's what you feel?

Agree with other posters. Certain chores are inviolate. And if they don't do them, there are consequences. As for DH, I'd be tempted to stand over him saying sarcastically, in the tone you'd use for a 10 year old, "okay darling, so now, what you do is put the plate in the dishwasher.... good boy. And then you wipe the surface.... well done".