Housework issues

[FunkyDunky]

Im a sahm to 2 dc (13&10). A couple of years ago i happily did all the housework, cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc as dc were little and dh worked long hours out of the house.

However, since covid dh dh is now wfh most days and the dc are older and more independent (meaning I'm no longer the only one capable of loading/unloading the dishwasher for example.)

But im finding that im getting more and more annoyed at no one helping and I'm starting to really resent no one else pitching in, even when i ask.

And yes, i have tried to talk to them about this. Things improve for 2 or 3 days, then slip back into old habits.

Its lots of little things, but its all built up and I'm ready to explode. I dont want to constantly 'nag'. I ask, i ask, i ask and nothing changes.

To give an example - i put ds clean laundry in his bedroom, all he has to do is put it away in his wardrobe (5 min job). Instead that pile of clean laundry gets thrown on the floor, then buried in dirty laundry, left to fester until i either loose my shit or he sneaks it back into the laundry basket for the whole cycle to continue again. I have spent a week asking him to put it away, it hasnt been done. So as of yesterday i am no longer doing any of his laundry. I refuse.

Does anyone have any tips/coping strategies/advice? Because its all really getting me down.

[Dixiechickonhols]

I’ve found an epic meltdown from me has made an impression. DD has 2 coconut bowls that can’t go in dishwasher. I was sick of telling her to wash them. I threw one out of window as it was in side. She mentioned it again last night!
I’d do a chore list but definitely be less available.

[FunkyDunky]

@EfficientDynamics

If the kids are 10 and 13 what do you actually do?

You don't need to be at home as the kids are at school now

I don't think i really need to justify what i do, but for e.g. today I did breakfast, school run for primary child, supermarket shop, cleaned the middle floor, emptied dishwasher and sorted kitchen, one load of laundry, school run, take dc2 to after school sports thing, cooked dinner, cleaned up after dinner (made dc1 fill dishwasher) helped dc1 with english homework, ensured dc2 did some reading, listened to dc1 rant about friend stuff for an hour, etc. None of it is really rocket science, just an average day.

No, i don't need to be at home as the dc are old enough. But neither do i need to work as financially its not going to change our quality of life at all.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@EfficientDynamics

If the kids are 10 and 13 what do you actually do?

You don't need to be at home as the kids are at school now

@EfficientDynamics

Well that's not what this is about.

that's a decision that is down to her & her DH.

this is not about her taking care of the family home (if that's the arrangement they have) this is about a DH & kids leaving a trail of mess in their wake and expecting her to clean up after them like some skivvy.

not acceptable.

[EfficientDynamics]

If the kids are 10 and 13 what do you actually do?

You don't need to be at home as the kids are at school now

[belge2]

I feel your pain. As a Sahm, that is sort of what you have signed up for, as much as I hate to say it. I work full time, husband doesn't work (a v v long story) and I still do the cooking, cleaning, washing etc for a family of 5. If I loose my shit, he will do some of it for a day or 2, then reverts back. No answer except I am about to separate for a myriad of reasons, this being one of them

[PrinceOfPegging]

@poorbuthappy

I thought the suggestion of colour coded crockery was genius until I realised that my lot would use each others plates purely to get their siblings in trouble.

This is why the consequence for using someone else’s is so severe. A week without any devices has only been actioned a couple of times. Staying strong with the punishment is a must though.

[rookiemere]

When DS leaves crockery beside the dishwasher, I've taken to putting it outside his bedroom door - does the trick without saying anything.

Also I'm strongly for the favour for a favour so if he wants a lift somewhere he needs to tidy his floor - or whatever- before we go.

[poorbuthappy]

I thought the suggestion of colour coded crockery was genius until I realised that my lot would use each others plates purely to get their siblings in trouble.

[MsSquiz]

There's really no reason that your children cannot do some chores around the house. Whether it's for pocket money or just helping in the house.

You and DH need to have specific allocated tasks. I'm a SAHM and DH also works from home, but ours kids are 2 and 4 months.
DH's jobs are: bins, cats litter trays and cooking dinner 4 or 5 nights a week. All other jobs are mine unless he decides he has a spare 10 mins to run the hoover round or wipe kitchen benches. But he does also tidy up after himself, he doesn't expect me to do it.

The bedroom thing with your ds, when I was old enough to put my clothes away properly, my DM would leave them on my bed in a pile. If I then didn't put them away, it wasn't her problem. She had done her end of the job, the rest was down to me. And if something she had ironed was creased when I wanted to wear it, she would direct me to the iron...

Kids and partners don't carry out tasks because they know you will do them and just be annoyed about it.

[ChilliPB]

@FunkyDunky For all those saying it’s the SAHM’s job to do all the chores, I was thinking - how do you see the Council refuse workers? It’s their job to empty household bins and the bins in streets, parks etc right? But that shouldn’t need to extend to following you round picking up litter as you just chuck it in the street. You put litter in the bin, their job is emptying the bin. If you just chuck your crisp packet on the street when you’ve finished with it, it makes you a dick. Same as a SAHM. Doing the washing, or dishes might be a SAHPs job - but that doesn’t mean they should be running around the house finding everyone’s used cups, dirty laundry etc. It’s reasonable to expect they will put on a load of washing or put on the dishwasher but there are boundaries which involve everyone else doing their bit too.

[ChilliPB]

Have you had a discussion with them about what your responsibilities are and what theirs are @FunkyDunky ?

It feels like they see that you’re responsible for all the household chores because you’re a SAHM. However I think you’re saying you’re responsible for some and they have some but is everyone clear who needs to do what?

I think as a SAHM you might expect to do eg the weekly shop, or the bigger cleaning jobs - hoovering, bathroom etc. But you shouldn’t be doing everything - tidying up a mug they’ve left on the side after they’ve used it, picking up their laundry off the floor to wash etc. I’d be really clear about what is expected from them and when, and set rules. Have lists in the kitchen and enforce them with eg no wifi/whatever until they’re done. Yes you’re a SAHM but it is disrespectful of them to treat you like this.

[Brefugee]

to be fair if they have been doing that, suddenly shouting about it isn't the way to go.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Topgub

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Well it kind of is.

Because that is the natural consequence of having a life long sahm.

Everyone (rightly) expects her to do everything

Your attitude to SAHM is disgusting.

SAHP generally takes on more of the 'housework', they're not there to run around picking up used cups, kitchen left in a mess after a shitty partner has made their lunch & left crumbs/stuff out & picking up dirty washing off the floor!

[mondaytosunday]

Yea just stop. My son did his own laundry and ironed from 14. My daughter stripped and changed her bed from that age - I'd just hand her the clean sheets.
Tell them in X and Y days they are in charge for washing up after supper. If they don't do it - tell them you aren't cooking the next meal .
They will learn soon enough.

[MsMarch]

I grew up in South Africa. We had a full time domestic worker. She did all the cleaning and washing and ironing. Up to a point, she tidied our bedrooms and did a tidy up of our cupboards once eery few months. ie, we were insanely spoiled. And yet... if we came home from school and made a sandwich and didn't tidy it up.... well, we wouldn't have heard the end of it. Her job was to clean and tidy yes, but not to follow us around like we were Little Lord Fauntleroy.

You being responsible overall for household cleanliness is fine. But people actively making a mess and expecting you to sort it out is not. And it won't be doing your DC any good if they think they can do whatever they want, whenever they want.

[Brefugee]

and i don't make anyone iron. Nearly nobody does in our house. And yes, my DCs were ironing pretty early, tbh, same as i was, because just about everyone in my family sews.

Do you think i have them in a flipping laundry 20 hours a day? get a grip

[Brefugee]

at the risk of being shouted at: don't be so bloody sensitive.
They are teenage boys and a washing machine isn't rocket science.
They aren't work colleagues - they are young men who need to do some washing.

[Isthisexpected]

Show them once, and once only, how to use the washing machine. They can film it, take notes whatever - but after that it's on them. Including any ironing, folding and putting away. That is it, you 're done.

^ I don't respond well to someone teaching me a new skill by pressuring me and telling me they'll only show me once. Is that how you treat colleagues?
And you make your 10 year old do the ironing? Childhood is the last bit of happiness they have.

[laundryandwine]

I'm in an almost identical situation w you, OP.
Similar aged children, STAM and a hubby who works from home since covid.
I go through stages, sometimes it's all fine and I'm happy to do the majority of the things (husband does the gardens, outhouses, etc) but still.. sometimes I just want to explode, as it's never ending!!!

Children need boundaries and chores, so perhaps start w a list in the fridge and agree w family members who does what. You don't need a part time job just to teach them the importance of team work

[Brefugee]

frankly? you need a time-machine and go back to when your DCs were younger and get them to help you with chores.

Don't do any laundry for them. Show them once, and once only, how to use the washing machine. They can film it, take notes whatever - but after that it's on them. Including any ironing, folding and putting away. That is it, you 're done.

DH leaves things out on the side? either get him as he exits the kitchen, or when he comes out for a drink, break, snack, whatever. Tell him to clean up after himself.

Get the DCs helping with the shopping, putting away, making a shopping list. Cooking one meal each a week. etc etc.

[Topgub]

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Well it kind of is.

Because that is the natural consequence of having a life long sahm.

Everyone (rightly) expects her to do everything

[W0tnow]

After cooking dinner I don’t touch the kitchen. It’s the kids’ job to clean it. And I mean clean it like I would. And I mean immediately after dinner. And that includes taking out the rubbish. There’s 3 of them and it takes 10 minutes, including bickering time. Sometimes one will cook dinner and is therefore excused from cleaning up.

I don’t let them out the door in the mornings unless their rooms are in a reasonable state and their beds are made. Folded laundry goes on the sofa and it has to be put away that day. They are also in charge of their bathrooms. I have a cleaner once per week. My place is far from spotless 100% of the time but it’s pretty reasonable.

I might be at home all day but I do not expect to have to retrieve other peoples’s dirty stuff and put it the dishwasher, or make their beds, or put their clothes away, or anything else that takes barely a second.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Topgub

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Doesn't sound like there's any consequences though

@Topgub

that has nothing to do with your horrible comment about her needing to get a job asking what she's doing if not working , accusing her of sitting around all day doing nothing ...

[Topgub]

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Doesn't sound like there's any consequences though

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Topgub

Well she kind of does need to get job otherwise what else is she doing all day?

I'd be raging if I was working and my unemployed oh said I had to do housework.

If this was a woman posting about her unemployed oh the responses would be different

It's clearly NOT about the main housework is it. It's about them leaving a trail of mess & muck behind them that they expect her to pick up after them. She's not their skivvy.